Author lisbon67 Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 Refuse to let this action of your WW define your life. It shouldn't and it won't (for long) IF you do the healing work. You've already started, you just can't recognize it yet. You're here so you're gonna be fine. Great advice again Lionheart. ..I get everything you're saying to me... having a bad today today and feel a bot paralysed to do anything ...and just to get my ass of the sofa....I need to force myself to do the things I need to and of course to try to 'look the part' even when feeling awful inside....I've been having obsessional thoughts about her and her AP and everything. ..I'm hoping the ADs kick in soon to help this....I've only been taking for 2 weeks and doc says can take 4-6 weeks to get into my system .. And jn1921....I agree it's pretty crazy to want to stay in a WW marriage....just to satisfy my need just not be alone...doesn't make sense Thanks for support...all appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Lisbon I'm all for the "glass half full" perspective any time I get down. You ARE doing something. You're on LS. You're out of bed cause you're on the sofa! Well done. :-) You've done the D. You've seen your Dr and gotten your prescription filled. It's your life. It's your time. Do ONE thing different today. I'll get you started. Now you've got an empty note book. FILL IT UP. Buy your FAVOURITE food. Just for today. Buy some cat food! Buy a nice new shirt. Check out the kitten rescue sites. Give a tin of food to a soup kitchen. He** WORK in the soup kitchen for a shift. You might even see some really happy and grateful people to serve there. Make 2 dates with friends or family on the weekend. One each day. Exhaust yourself. This stuff works but you gotta work it. The drugs can only do so much. They can't erase your past. They can't change your present. They can only dull your reactions. Maybe more IDK but they're not quite magical, sorry to say. When any unpleasant thoughts pop in or invade your mind, throw them back over a HUGE thick wall. Change what you're doing and attend only to that. It's mindfulness and takes practise but you can do this. We're with you buddy. LH 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) Refuse to let this action of your WW define your life. It shouldn't and it won't (for long) IF you do the healing work. You've already started, you just can't recognize it yet. You're here so you're gonna be fine. Great advice again Lionheart. ..I get everything you're saying to me... having a bad today today and feel a bot paralysed to do anything ...and just to get my ass of the sofa....I need to force myself to do the things I need to and of course to try to 'look the part' even when feeling awful inside....I've been having obsessional thoughts about her and her AP and everything. ..I'm hoping the ADs kick in soon to help this....I've only been taking for 2 weeks and doc says can take 4-6 weeks to get into my system .. And jn1921....I agree it's pretty crazy to want to stay in a WW marriage....just to satisfy my need just not be alone...doesn't make sense Thanks for support...all appreciated I feel like taking a train up to Glasgow and drag your backside to the local cat shelter. It's kitten season right now, so many little ones needing a good loving home. As another poster said, their love for you is unconditional. They will keep you company during the day, snuggle up at night and make you laugh all hours of the day with their daft antics. It will take a while for the anti-depressants to start working. It differs from person to person but for me I started noticing a difference after 3 weeks. It wasn't like a sudden parting of those heavy black clouds that had been enveloping me to reveal a blue sky and bright sunshine. It was small things. Like going to the supermarket and actually remembering what I was there to buy. Or humming along to a tune on TV. Laughing out loud at my cat Milo's offering of the washing up sponge.... Not long after I realised I was no longer on the verge of tears all the time. I was sleeping better, my focus and concentration started to improve. Slowly my appetite returned (I had pretty much lived on cheese & ham toasties, oceans of tea and white wine for months) and I started cooking meals again. My D-day was in June 2011. It took me nearly 2 years to get back on my feet. But I did and I'm happier than ever even though the divorce has cost me dearly in terms of finances, property, family & friends. On the flipside, I have gained and learned so much. I am seeing the most gorgeous, lovely, funny, smart & wonderful guy whom I otherwise would never have met. Been places I otherwise wouldn't have gone. I made friends with people whom otherwise would not have crossed my path. I have a great job and fantastic colleagues. Hang in there mate, you'll get there too. And in the meantime we are all here to help you as best we can, day & night. Edited April 29, 2015 by SoulCat 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 The only thing I can tell you is to smile. Shes gone and you can start over new and fresh. Think of all the things you can do now. If your into hobbies get more into them. Start making new friends. Try new things. Get out and experience life. Life is so much better without a cheater in it. Just smile. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) For the all the good friends on here who supported me over the past 6 weeks...Lionheart and many others etc Yep the Divorce was final last Thursday 24th April....she's been out the house now for one week. Certificate will come to each of us in 14 days. Great...im still off work sick with stress, suffering i think from PTSD after her DDAy 6 weeks ago...and especially the big gory details sex etc DDAy only just over 2 weeks ago (probably still only told me about 40-50 %....and I knew then for first time that she also met him during the day a few times while I was out at work) She Betrayed me...lied about it and denied it for nearly 12 years...which was eating away at me ALL this time...and always came up in arguments..but she still denied anything. Then we had nearly 7 torturous weeks there while she TT me after admitting was full blown affair for 3/4 months. Especially the last 2 weeks after the BIG, REAL DDay...! Then we haD Divorce procedures and lawyer which was horrible for me to. Now im coming home to an empty house each night to my own company which is hell, Ive not been alone for at least 12 years..and I come from a big family too when growing up,,,so this is hell for me. I look drawn and anxious all the time (like sh** really) I'm on anti depressants...and still drinking too much though Ive cut down....to help me sleep So ..ive been betrayed horribly, now lost my partner and company, on my own off work and not too healthy.. HER...she looks fine, still very attractive, not really remorseful or sorry, didnt even want to attempt R...and strolls off with her wad of cash to a new flat tenancy.... THATS FAIR ISNT IT....!! ps...ive been using the Noxema cream that one of you guys recommended on here day and night...ive got the cleansing cream and the anti-bacterial wash...its good...but im still no Keannu Reeves yet...unfortunately When someone has surgery it means something toxic has been removed and yet along with it comes a period of recovery. Not so easy to celebrate if there are stitches and pain to deal with. The thing is, the cancer has been removed but the trauma and the long road ahead will not be easy. In reality you've been given a second chance in life. It's up to you if you allow the past to define your future. Only when you grasp the freedom to enjoy life can you truly celebrate. Why allow a person who has disrespected you to hold you down from the beauty of life. Get that kitten, reconnect with old friends and make new friends. Enjoy the sunshine instead of shutting your window curtains. Volunteer, offer your time to your local food bank or good causes that you can be a vital part of. Often when we give we receive more in return. Life is beautiful, don't let a cheater cast your blue sky grey. Edited April 29, 2015 by Furious 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 OK, you come home to a empty house. Would you rather come home to a lying cheating wife who didn't give a damn about you or your feelings? Forget getting answers. Anything she would tell you wouldn't be good enough even if she told you the gospel truth it wouldn't be good enough. One question and you get one answer which leads to another question and it's a never ending losing battle, I know because I went through it. Rather than worry about all the whys and what fore's, think of the upside where you don't have to deal with her ways any longer. Get yourself squared away and stop wondering about the past. It's history and you can't go back and undo what's already happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Lisbon67, what your going through is normal. No one ever expects their marriage to be one of the ones that fail. You now know the truth, your marriage was a lie from the very beginning. She became corrupt, even accepted money from her black friend for sex just weeks after you married her. The secrets she kept from you were just further manipulation. Her drinking problem may be related to this in some way. Listen hard, the bells are no longer tolling for you, your free again. What you are experiencing at this time is the empty cup that has replaced what you knew as your life. It is up to you as to how you refill the void that was her. You can sit around watching television wondering what she is up to, who she is with, keeping yourself in the bruised and beaten state or you can take control of your life for the first time in decades. Something will fill the void, pure physics, those of us that survive infidelity and succeed fill it with what takes us to where we want to go. Have your plan ready, that's the secret. What an amazing opportunity you have my friend, don't do what she expects you to do, don't waste it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 How are doing today Lis? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 hey snap out of it dude. you are FREE. savor it. go fishing. Join a crossfit gym and lose 20 lbs. go on a week long hike. take a cruise in the Caribbean. have your friends hook you up with some hot women to date (but do NOT date anyone seriously for at least 6 months!!!). just get laid a lot, and enjoy life like God intended men to do! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) hey snap out of it dude. you are FREE. savor it. go fishing. Join a crossfit gym and lose 20 lbs. go on a week long hike. take a cruise in the Caribbean. have your friends hook you up with some hot women to date (but do NOT date anyone seriously for at least 6 months!!!). just get laid a lot, and enjoy life like God intended men to do! If I'd gotten a pound for every time someone told me to 'snap out of it' or that I'm better off without him, or that I could do so much better now that I was single again I could have paid for the whole damn divorce in full. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work like that. The hurt, loneliness and betrayal Lisbon is feeling is a very deep emotional trauma. He needs time to process and heal. Catching a few salmon and shagging a bunch of random women aren't going to accomplish that. Exercise however, will help him. Research suggests it increases serotonin levels which helps balance moods. But it's damn hard to even contemplate getting on a treadmill when you are having trouble getting your ass out of bed in the first place.... Edited April 29, 2015 by SoulCat 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I have to say though, getting a kitty really WILL help. It is quite amazing the effect they can have. Almost like they radiate some kind of anti-sadness aura. Get yourself a female cat, and this way you know that no matter what happens..at the end of the day you will always come home to at least one female who won't ever betray you. I think dogs help too, however with little puppies you have to spend a lot of time training them as well so they don't poop in the house, chew on things, etc. But with cats..you pretty much just get a litter box and get them a scratching post and you are set. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Spend time at the gym. It is nice to see people and not be in a bar. You can walk on the treadmill for hours while watching people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Lisbon67, what your going through is normal. No one ever expects their marriage to be one of the ones that fail. You now know the truth, your marriage was a lie from the very beginning. She became corrupt, even accepted money from her black friend for sex just weeks after you married her. The secrets she kept from you were just further manipulation. Her drinking problem may be related to this in some way. Listen hard, the bells are no longer tolling for you, your free again. What you are experiencing at this time is the empty cup that has replaced what you knew as your life. It is up to you as to how you refill the void that was her. You can sit around watching television wondering what she is up to, who she is with, keeping yourself in the bruised and beaten state or you can take control of your life for the first time in decades. Something will fill the void, pure physics, those of us that survive infidelity and succeed fill it with what takes us to where we want to go. Have your plan ready, that's the secret. What an amazing opportunity you have my friend, don't do what she expects you to do, don't waste it. ..Brill advice BH I will act on this and seize it....I know exactly what you mean Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Really really appreciate all the supportive comments since last time yesterday. .. all are top notch and profound even if different in shades of advice they all resonate with me... I even told my therapist about support from great people on here on LS... She said that is great and a good idea...it takes away any morbid negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness about future. ..near and far. .I was there today...she's prescribed me some tablets to help with sleeping. ..without alcohol...so hopefully these will help...I asked about melatonin which some on ls have mentioned. ..she said it is an American thing...can't get them here.. LS....I'm feeling better today. ..your advice and anecdotes has helped me no end...big hugs... will pm you soon... cheers all... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 ...and I've already made my enquiries to get my kitten. ..as you say...and least I coukd have one loving trustful female to come home too...will send photo when I get it 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 LS ?. I mean LH...Lionheart of course ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Soulcat. . spot on..that's the way I feel.. at the moment anyway. ..cheers 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 I'm hearing what you're saying..."the world's your oyster , go out and grab it...you're free...do this , take up that , go a cruise etc etc....I wish I did feel like that...and hopefully I will...but I still feel a bot paralysed and not firing g on all cylinders. ..I hope aliveagain is right. ..and I amjust going through the empty cup void stage and it will fill up again with positive experiences....but I'm at the stage soulcat is talking about. ..for now anyway. .. even now I'm still remembering some of the unbelievable deceit and lies she was feeding me during the A... new ones are still coming to my head every day... its a nightmare! ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 ..Brill advice BH I will act on this and seize it....I know exactly what you mean This I meant to acknowledge to Aliveagain. ....oops. ..must have sounded like BHs advice when I first read it...but top notch. ..have copied to my mobile phone memo pad...I NEED to STOP ruminating and analysing the past all the time of the 3/4 months of her A...it was nearly 12 years ago and she's gone now and we re divorced. ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I NEED to STOP ruminating and analysing the past all the time of the 3/4 months of her A...it was nearly 12 years ago and she's gone now and we re divorced. ... I think it's just part of the process Lisbon. It doesn't matter that it happened a long time ago. The hurt & betrayal you feel is very much in the present. My ex and I were together for 10 years before we got married. About a year after of wedding he started having an affair with colleague. EA at first, PA a bit further down the line. He ended up leaving me for her a few months later. We never made it to our second wedding anniversary. I went over the entire 12 years together in my head over & over again afterwards. For months. I questioned everything, were we ever that couple I thought we were, did he ever even love me? Was any of it ever real? I think it's just human nature. It's part of how we process what has happened. In time you'll learn to separate the good times and the bad ones. Just right now it's all muddled together in one big confusing mess. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 This I meant to acknowledge to Aliveagain. ....oops. ..must have sounded like BHs advice when I first read it...but top notch. ..have copied to my mobile phone memo pad...I NEED to STOP ruminating and analysing the past all the time of the 3/4 months of her A...it was nearly 12 years ago and she's gone now and we re divorced. ... The more that I read here on LS, the more I realise that expecting a 18-25 year old male or female to remain true is a big ask, far too many distractions and opportunities get presented to them. Your wife was 24 at the time of her affair. I am not trying to excuse her, cheating is never right and I totally get the never being able to forgive, you did the right thing. Onward and upward. It just seems to me that too many have expectations of 18-25 yo partners, that are just too high IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 I know what ur saying Elaine. .. but I think that's a bitty unfair.. she was 25 when we married in July 2003....she is 15/06/1978....I am 10/june/ 1964... ..both Gemini's. ..probably dodgy combination. ..but I was only 39 at the time...still quite young. If I'd known about her A in 2003.. .I would have divorced then of course. ..and still be fairly young to move on... she stole 12 lying deceitful years of my life.. are you saying fidelity is age related? My mum married my dad when she was 22..and stayed faithful till he died..I was 11 then...can you be me for marrying a 25 year old and expecting her to be faithful. ..which according to your logic was never going to be possible....so really its my fault. .. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 blame me I meant Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 Read and re read ur post soulcat. Ditto ...I've been doing exactly the same thing.. almost 12 years of analysing and groundhog days. Was it all just a bad dream. .who was she really....?? It's a nightmare never to wake up from...where the feck did 12 years go...I never knew her at all...really....but it happened Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I know what ur saying Elaine. .. but I think that's a bitty unfair.. she was 25 when we married in July 2003....she is 15/06/1978....I am 10/june/ 1964... ..both Gemini's. ..probably dodgy combination. ..but I was only 39 at the time...still quite young. If I'd known about her A in 2003.. .I would have divorced then of course. ..and still be fairly young to move on... she stole 12 lying deceitful years of my life.. are you saying fidelity is age related? My mum married my dad when she was 22..and stayed faithful till he died..I was 11 then...can you be me for marrying a 25 year old and expecting her to be faithful. ..which according to your logic was never going to be possible....so really its my fault. .. I apologise, I was not taking pot shots at you, I was just theorising out loud really about what I have seen on the forum recently and IRL. It's not your fault, of course it isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts