Strong suspicions he's having an affair, now what?

[Lion Heart]

So to outsiders, does it sound like I have a legitimate concern? I'm not crazy?

 

I did tell him I wasn't comfortable with him texting her, but of course his job requires him to do so. He could quit if I want him to (his words). He also said lots of people work out, it's not just the two of them. I could also go meet her, which at his work would be next to impossible and he knows it (security, non employees not allowed in building, etc). Judging by the amount of gas he uses, I don't think they are going anywhere or she would be driving. According to Facebook she is married with 2 kids close in age to mine. I believe my brother in law would have been in the same high school class as her, his family is not from the area. She does not live close to us or to work.

 

My other concern...what if I do all this to "catch" him, but he really is being honest? And he finds out what I did? He'd end the marriage. If he is cheating, more than likely I would end it. Either way I'm screwed.

 

SJS you're not crazy.

You have many legitimate concerns.

Read up, he's already doing things from the :cheaters handbook" whether he's in a full blown PA or not. He's clearly overstepping the boundaries of your M by meeting with another woman alone, that you don't know and you've not been INVITED to know or hang out with them.

 

There are red flags everywhere so it's not just your gut talking to you, there are physical signs that he's hiding ALOT.

 

IDK I'd probably text him on his gym night and tell him you've got a lovely dinner planned for after the gym. Do this dinner.

Then surprise him at the gym. Even be there before him.

I wonder if he's really AT the gym all the times he says anyway.

 

Ofcourse if they work together, well alot of As begin at work.

There are also lunch breaks to meet.

 

You know I had NOTHING to go on (no changes in behaviours to note and no new H happening) but my H was in an A. My dreams were more frequent about him having sex with other women but ofcourse telling my H about them was pointless.

 

If WH hadn't ended it before it got deeper, and totally pi$$ ed his OW off then she wouldn't have forced him to tell me, bringing about my D Day. I'm trying to say that I was "lucky" to find out! I'd be none the wiser tbh!

 

Do what you have to do. It's YOUR M too.

 

I hope you're not completely financially dependent on this H.

Get some training or start back part time in your profession.

It sounds like you need a backup plan.

 

Lion Heart.

[SJS]

Lion Heart & SS, thank you...

 

 

I do delete my texts, but only because I'm done with them, no need to keep...the spotlight search is a great idea! I've done it on my own phone but now that I'm trying it, today's calendar is coming up instead...hopefully his phone will cooperate.

 

 

LH, this is all on his lunch hour, his work has a gym for employees. He works out every day instead of eating lunch and then takes a shower. I have been checking out his workout clothes to see if they smell like perfume, stains, etc. Of course I'm a SAHM but going back to college & should graduate at this time next year. :-/

[SJS]

I was able to spotlight search...no text messages came up at all but work emails did. Nothing much different from the texts I was able to see before (the playful banter, work related stuff, a lot of stuff about the workouts because they send out calendar invites of when the workout is scheduled and then reply to it) but his calendar came up too. She's included in all of the out of office stuff, which isn't often, maybe twice a month, but whenever I've asked who goes it's always the same "oh you know the guys, Bill Bob Ron...". The emails not containing much don't surprise me because he knows the IT people are watching. But the no texts...not even the one from the other day...and there are a lot of calls to one of the office numbers, but there's no name to it. I didn't think to write it down so the next time I have access that will be my focus.

[BetrayedH]

Some affair partners buy pre-paid cell phones. That way nothing shows up on company or work devices. Might be worth a quick search of his vehicle. With you throwing up alarms, it wouldn't be a surprise if he tried to get off that phone.

 

I still think a VAR is a good idea for you. Try Best Buy.

 

ETA: if you get a chance, check the phone for other texting or email apps (Yahoo Messenger, Blackberry Messenger, Kik, Snapchat, etc.). They use data instead of text. Check internet history, too.

Edited April 30, 2015 by BetrayedH

[fellini]

Unlikely you will find evidence of an affair happening inside the workplace. The workplace is where the dance occurs.

 

Still, based on what you are saying, I would say that IF he is onto something, it's very possible he is just in the infatuation stage of having strong feelings for this woman. It's even possible she is not on board yet. My WW had to spend MONTHS chasing her eventual AP.

 

He knew she was married and it took him a while to see that "she knew what she was doing" so he eventually played the game as well.

 

EVEN THEN, they spent 7 months not discussing between themselves, their growing relationship until he finally asked her for a coffee outside of work to offer they hook up. I remember she told me how a colleague noted that they "needed to control their sexual tension" at lunches (as a kind of joke, but obviously he wasn't kidding), in January. They didn't start having sex until April.

 

So you might be digging for things that have YET to occur.

 

All I know is that once my WW got it into her head that she was going to pursue her AP, she stopped talking about him, she did not mention his name when talking about going out for social events, she spoke of him as little as possible, but she spent as much time as she could thinking about him and changing her routines at work to have more time around him, and he, around her. But she did NOTHING different at home, seemed the same person for over a year. In fact she made sure her affair did not in anyway draw attention to itself, she always had routine activities (meetings, lunches, swimming) that she could say she was doing and I had no reason to wonder.

 

BUT: had I been suspicious, I would have found out if I had put a GPS in the car. (Of course had I been suspicious I could have just read her emails before they even got to the sex.)

Or, because my WW is so not technologically saavy, simply turned on her GPS on her phone, I would have known IMMEDIATELY about the hookups. I would have found her car to be in places it had no business being. And since she takes her phone with her everywhere, I would have had all I need to know. But being as trusting as I was, I would take our daughter to Ballet Classes, all the while she would be 2 blocks away in her AP's studio apartment, and she would drive up and meet us to take us home. Why would I have thought she hadn't come straight from work? There were zero signs.

 

 

Now some people jump right into affairs, others take it slowly, carefully, and enjoy the chase, all the while telling themselves its "perfectly under control" and they aren't going to take it to an unacceptable level. Eventually they begin to believe in their own self deception all the while they start to cover their tracks. His deleting her (only her?) emails, and not mentioning her name in listing who he is socializing with are huge flags that EVEN if he hasn't moved forward, he WANTS to and naming her is like revealing his secret desire to have greater secrets with her.

 

Lion Heart & SS, thank you...

 

 

I do delete my texts, but only because I'm done with them, no need to keep...the spotlight search is a great idea! I've done it on my own phone but now that I'm trying it, today's calendar is coming up instead...hopefully his phone will cooperate.

 

 

LH, this is all on his lunch hour, his work has a gym for employees. He works out every day instead of eating lunch and then takes a shower. I have been checking out his workout clothes to see if they smell like perfume, stains, etc. Of course I'm a SAHM but going back to college & should graduate at this time next year. :-/

Edited April 30, 2015 by fellini

[Lion Heart]

Lion Heart & SS, thank you...

 

 

I do delete my texts, but only because I'm done with them, no need to keep...the spotlight search is a great idea! I've done it on my own phone but now that I'm trying it, today's calendar is coming up instead...hopefully his phone will cooperate.

 

 

LH, this is all on his lunch hour, his work has a gym for employees. He works out every day instead of eating lunch and then takes a shower. I have been checking out his workout clothes to see if they smell like perfume, stains, etc. Of course I'm a SAHM but going back to college & should graduate at this time next year. :-/

 

SJS that's great to hear that you're getting qualified soon. Congratulations and well done. It's no easy task being a mum and studying but it's gotta be done.

 

I've been an BW twice now (yeah got the wrong picker out TWICE).

Nothing makes a betrayed spouse happier to lose a wayward one than independence and the confidence in themselves to go it alone. The exit plan helps too.

 

I don't want to sound cynical but with a near 50% D rate here, it's imperative that a woman becomes a breadwinner as early as possible in life.

 

Wishing you all the best,

Lion Heart.

[sandylee1]

Yep. This. Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

Seriously think about it. Do YOU delete texts? Ever? If you do, think about why.

 

My xMM used to delete ALL of his text conversations except for those from his family. Everything. I guess it made it look less questionable, because that way he could say, see, I don't just delete HERS. I'm so innocent...

 

I of course deleted questionable texts from xMM too.

 

I delete text messages sometimes. Just to clean up my phone. It can be those sales texts or others thatI have no need for.

[Winterina]

Ask him for his passwords and for full access to all his emails and phones RIGHT NOW and look it up right away before he has a chance to delete anything.

If he has nothing to hide he will hide nothing.

I would be happy to ease my partner's mind this way if he ever suspected me of an affair or inappropriate contact with someone else.

 

 

Join the gym with the male friend with whom you are in constant touch, and see if he feels great about it.

[Grapesofwrath]

Even if a text has been deleted, it can still be in the contact history, at least in truncated form. This is how I caught my cheater. He deleted the texts, but they were still in the history. I hated myself for snooping on his phone like that, but it had to be done for me to know the truth. He was lying to me constantly and about everything.

[SJS]

I'm not going to demand passwords or act passive aggressively by all of a sudden working out with some other guy to see how he likes it. All that will do is create more tension and we'll end up going in circles accomplishing nothing.

 

 

What I have done while I'm trying to dig around is make myself available to him...he's interested in golf? Friday night I suggested we go hit some balls at the driving range. He wants to work out? I suggested on the days our kid is at practice we go to a fitness class together. He is actually beyond thrilled with this. I'm also trying to be more attentive and flirty with him, so if he has not actually started an affair yet then maybe I can "win" him back.

 

 

Over the weekend, using the spotlight search on his phone I was able to go through most of their emails together and have found nothing. The texts are gone, no snippets show up (with her) and I've specifically searched words I knew they used in prior texts. I know he used to plug his phone into his computer at work to charge it, so if he's syncing to iTunes then it may be gone. I made the mistake of trying to get into his iTunes account, which I did, but before I could get anything IT contacted him saying an unidentified computer accessed the account and made him change that password. Hopefully they did not give him the IP address, because I was at home. :-/ But, with this level of security is why I'm still not surprised emails came up with nothing. Still on the fence about getting a VAR. I found some USB styles that I could easily hide, but it just feels...not right...

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for all the responses. I have gone back and checked credit card records--nothing out of the ordinary, I have the only ATM card so I know he's not withdrawing cash, and he averages a tank of gas about every 10 days according to the credit card bill.

 

 

He is of course, acting on his best behavior...even left work way earlier than normal yesterday (about 2 hours). There has been no texting since I brought it up (I played around with old texts on my phone deleting just one or two messages in a conversation and the date stamp never changed even with those messages missing, and her last text has the date that I saw). Although emails & work IM'ing I have no idea.

 

 

So with this in mind I think a GPS would be useless, and believe if anything is going on it's all at work. I don't know how a PI could help unless they are somehow able to get in as an employee? Not sure how that works. Currently researching VAR's, spysticks, how to retrieve deleted texts and trying to act as normal as possible.

 

Even a VAR in his car would help because I would bet that he talks on his phone in the car. He can't do it in the house, right.

 

Plus there's spyware you can put on his phone.

[sandylee1]

I'm not going to demand passwords or act passive aggressively by all of a sudden working out with some other guy to see how he likes it. All that will do is create more tension and we'll end up going in circles accomplishing nothing.

 

 

What I have done while I'm trying to dig around is make myself available to him...he's interested in golf? Friday night I suggested we go hit some balls at the driving range. He wants to work out? I suggested on the days our kid is at practice we go to a fitness class together. He is actually beyond thrilled with this. I'm also trying to be more attentive and flirty with him, so if he has not actually started an affair yet then maybe I can "win" him back.

 

 

Over the weekend, using the spotlight search on his phone I was able to go through most of their emails together and have found nothing. The texts are gone, no snippets show up (with her) and I've specifically searched words I knew they used in prior texts. I know he used to plug his phone into his computer at work to charge it, so if he's syncing to iTunes then it may be gone. I made the mistake of trying to get into his iTunes account, which I did, but before I could get anything IT contacted him saying an unidentified computer accessed the account and made him change that password. Hopefully they did not give him the IP address, because I was at home. :-/ But, with this level of security is why I'm still not surprised emails came up with nothing. Still on the fence about getting a VAR. I found some USB styles that I could easily hide, but it just feels...not right...

 

He's either not having an affair at all, or gone super secretive and you'll find nothing. Leave his work accounts, before that causes trouble for both of you. My work place is high security like that as well and if my H tried to access anything I'd be very annoyed with him.

 

Nice to hear your proposals and attentiveness are welcomed by him.

[Southern Sun]

I'm not going to demand passwords or act passive aggressively by all of a sudden working out with some other guy to see how he likes it. All that will do is create more tension and we'll end up going in circles accomplishing nothing.

 

 

What I have done while I'm trying to dig around is make myself available to him...he's interested in golf? Friday night I suggested we go hit some balls at the driving range. He wants to work out? I suggested on the days our kid is at practice we go to a fitness class together. He is actually beyond thrilled with this. I'm also trying to be more attentive and flirty with him, so if he has not actually started an affair yet then maybe I can "win" him back.

 

 

Over the weekend, using the spotlight search on his phone I was able to go through most of their emails together and have found nothing. The texts are gone, no snippets show up (with her) and I've specifically searched words I knew they used in prior texts. I know he used to plug his phone into his computer at work to charge it, so if he's syncing to iTunes then it may be gone. I made the mistake of trying to get into his iTunes account, which I did, but before I could get anything IT contacted him saying an unidentified computer accessed the account and made him change that password. Hopefully they did not give him the IP address, because I was at home. :-/ But, with this level of security is why I'm still not surprised emails came up with nothing. Still on the fence about getting a VAR. I found some USB styles that I could easily hide, but it just feels...not right...

 

This is good about the spotlight search...I mentioned syncing to iTunes, but I actually think it requires a full wipe of the phone for the old stuff to totally disappear. Basically, the phone 'remembers' everything, even stuff that's been deleted, until enough new stuff has been put on there to take over the old stuff (sorry, not very techie with my words here). Anyway, unless the texts are VERY old, something would still be there, UNLESS he has done a total reset of the phone, meaning under the settings icon, General, Reset, Erase All Content and Settings. Most folks would do a back-up to iTunes first so they don't lose pics, etc., and then just restore their phone using that back-up after the erase. But the erase gets rid of the leftover stuff on the hard-drive that otherwise would hang around until enough new 'stuff' gets put on the phone to override what is there.

 

Hope that makes sense. Anyway, it's generally a good thing that you found nothing using spotlight search

[RoseVille]

I just did a spotlight search for stuff I deleted yesterday - email strings of friends, group texts that were annoying me - and nothing came up.

[SJS]

That's the trouble I'm having. I know they weren't old, because I saw them dated in April, but am finding the snippets from texts that are still there (from other people) but may be old.

 

 

I'm starting to feel like I'm at a roadblock. Afraid of getting sloppy with snooping, or getting him in trouble at work if I screw something up. I can't put spyware on his phone (it's not his phone). Either I go the VAR route or hang back but stay on guard. I think right now he would be super careful in covering his tracks anyway since it's only been a week...

[HereNorThere]

I do not understand why the lack of transparency alone isn't a deal breaker for you. If he's openly hiding something or refuses to give up his passwords after 14 years of marriage even though he knows it's hurting you, that should be enough for you.

[SJS]

I do not understand why the lack of transparency alone isn't a deal breaker for you. If he's openly hiding something or refuses to give up his passwords after 14 years of marriage even though he knows it's hurting you, that should be enough for you.

I have never asked for his passwords, so no, he has never refused to give it up. He will let me use his phone if I ask but has no idea that I have looked on my own.

 

 

At this point what I think may be "openly hiding" could be my own paranoia.

[Pinkdisney]

Even a VAR in his car would help because I would bet that he talks on his phone in the car. He can't do it in the house, right.

 

Plus there's spyware you can put on his phone.

 

I put a VAR in my ex-h's car - bought it at CVS for $49.99. I was nervous as heck but I put it in a fairly secure spot and 3 days later I checked it and found the proof of the affair - the two of them in his car together dirty talking and fooling around. Gag.....

[Grapesofwrath]

I put a VAR in my ex-h's car - bought it at CVS for $49.99. I was nervous as heck but I put it in a fairly secure spot and 3 days later I checked it and found the proof of the affair - the two of them in his car together dirty talking and fooling around. Gag.....

 

 

that feeling in the pit of your stomach is the worst. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm proud of you for taking action and getting the information you needed.

[Sandy43]

Hi SJS, I have found a few ways to track my husband when I was suspicious of him. If he has an iphone and you know his apple id you can get his imessages sent to you. I would say maybe the best way may be to put a voice activated recorder in his car. I have also used a program to download deleted information from his phone as well as ipad if he has one. Also when you are doing a spotlight search don't just search her name, search words like sexy, baby etc whatever you can think of. I have several other tricks but they depend on what kind of access or passwords of his that you have.

[SJS]

So just a little update...I was caught trying to hack into his iTunes account to see deleted texts (which I couldn't find). He got in trouble at work--they tracked our IP address--so I spilled the beans...it was me, why I did it. I believe he went into his best behavior mode...all texting just suddenly stopped, he seemed attentive to me. I had let him know that I did not find the texts appropriate for people who are both married to other people (he disagreed and said he thought they were just friendly, not flirty or inappropriate), and I let him know that based on what I saw prior if I found out that he was deleting texts from her again I would assume some kind of cheating was going on. He understood my position.

 

 

I had tried the VAR, but put it on the wrong setting so it only recorded me slamming the door shut (nice, I know!). Then he started talking about getting a new car, so I got it out of there. He did just get a new car though but I have not had another chance to put it back in and try again. His new car comes with an OnStar app that shows me on a map where he is, although that was not something I worried about. New car also comes with Bluetooth over the speakers, so both sides of the conversation can be heard if/when the VAR goes back in.

 

 

Just recently however, like within the last week, the texting has started again--and they are being deleted. The spotlight search on his phone shows that they are texting but no snippets are there or date/time, and when I click on it there is no text. So "good behavior" lasted about 2 months. This time I know what mistakes I made last time...zipping my lips and starting over.

[Sandy43]

Has he ever plugged his phone into your home computer? Does he have email accounts other than the work one?

[SJS]

Has he ever plugged his phone into your home computer? Does he have email accounts other than the work one?

No, he doesn't plug his phone in the home computer. The only other email accounts that I know that he has, the password autofill turned on, so I can (and have) get into them, as well as linkedin and facebook.