One-night stand

[Pablee]

Keeping such a secret takes away from any relationship. I think it would be a good idea to confess, but make sure you tell her that the guilt wore on you to the point that you felt you had to break up with her because of it.

 

Also, it's not about giving her the power to decide, more appropriately it is about giving her a chance to forgive you. If you love her as much as you say you do, you will give her this opportunity. It takes a strong person to admit such a thing, and an even stronger person to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Fall so she can catch you.

 

Wow. Your response blew me away! You have given me a whole new perspective to think about.

 

Thankyou!

[2nd tyme]

"tell her that the guilt wore on you to the point that you felt you had to break up with her because of it"

 

Yes, but only say that if it is the truth. If it's not the truth, then don't say it and just carry on. I kind of agree with the articles you referenced above.

[oneinamillion]

DO NOT say a word. Not one. You will regret it. It will ruin you, her and your relationship. Your relationship will never recover fully from it, if at all. This will scar her for the rest of her life and cause problems for her, either with you or with future relationships -- not being able to trust, self esteem issues. And all this, just to ease your guilt? Don't be selfish. Don't do it. If you feel that guilty, then leave her. Or shoulder the guilt, learn something from your mistake and vow to not do it again.

[Pablee]

DO NOT say a word. Not one. You will regret it. It will ruin you, her and your relationship. Your relationship will never recover fully from it, if at all. This will scar her for the rest of her life and cause problems for her, either with you or with future relationships -- not being able to trust, self esteem issues. And all this, just to ease your guilt? Don't be selfish. Don't do it. If you feel that guilty, then leave her. Or shoulder the guilt, learn something from your mistake and vow to not do it again.

 

Part of me agrees with you, while the other part is being swayed by those who think I should confess. I think you are right about damaging her self-esteem and ability to trust anyone else.

Edited May 2, 2015 by Pablee

[ExpatInItaly]

Part of me agrees with you, while the other part is being swayed by those who think I should confess. I think you are right about damaging her self-esteem and ability to trust anyone else.

 

I need to step in again, to speak from experience. While it hurt to hear the truth from my ex and I had to learn how to trust again, it didn't damage me forever. I understood that his bad choice was HIS bad choice. It's a reflection on HIS character, not MY self-worth, and not to be projected on other men in my life. I'm now in a loving relationship, and so much happier for it.

[Pablee]

I need to step in again, to speak from experience. While it hurt to hear the truth from my ex and I had to learn how to trust again, it didn't damage me forever. I understood that his bad choice was HIS bad choice. It's a reflection on HIS character, not MY self-worth, and not to be projected on other men in my life. I'm now in a loving relationship, and so much happier for it.

 

And I would hope that if I did confess she could be as strong as you. Thanks for sharing.

[SunnySide0418]

I see what you are saying but I don't think things are as black and white, or as simplistic as you make out. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to justify myself and many times I have thought exactly like you do - that it's unfair to keep the secret from her and I should just tell her and let her decide. I almost did tell her a few days ago. But then I began to think of a few scenarios.

 

What if I didn't tell her, I never cheated again and we ended up having a wonderful life together.

 

But what if I did tell her, she was heart-broken, ended the relationship, and never could trust another man her whole life and ended up feeling unhappy and alone? This happened to my aunt, so it's not an impossible outcome.

 

Which would be the worst outcome of the two?

 

(Of course there are other possible outcomes but I'm thinking about these two).

 

 

Take it to your grave but NEVER do it again. You said you "don't think" it would happen again. How about saying it "wouldn't"? Are you unsure that you can remain faithful? If you tell she will never look at you the same and because of what her dad did most likely leave you.

[SunnySide0418]

DO NOT say a word. Not one. You will regret it. It will ruin you, her and your relationship. Your relationship will never recover fully from it, if at all. This will scar her for the rest of her life and cause problems for her, either with you or with future relationships -- not being able to trust, self esteem issues. And all this, just to ease your guilt? Don't be selfish. Don't do it. If you feel that guilty, then leave her. Or shoulder the guilt, learn something from your mistake and vow to not do it again.

 

 

I couldn't agree more!!!!

[April Moon]

OP I mean this in the best way.

 

You claim to be less selfish. You say telling her would be a selfish since it would hurt her but ease your guilt. However, what is truly selfish is not telling her. By not telling her, you have control of your relationship. You have all the facts and are able to decide what you want out of life and your relationship. If you tell her, you are giving up that control. She would now have all the facts and could decide what is best for her. You are not afraid of hurting her. You are afraid of giving up control. The guilt destroyed you before because you were unable to control your feelings. You may be more selfish than you think.

 

Do you love her as much as you do? If you love someone, you want what is best for them no matter what happens to you. You say you would die for her, putting her life before yours. If you truly believe this, then you know the best thing you can do for her is give her the truth. Then she can have control of her life. It might not be the best choice for you but it is for her. Actions speak louder than words. Prove to yourself that you have changed by being more selfless. Prove to her and yourself that you really do love her. Tell her the truth.

[dreamingoftigers]

You forget I said that if there was no chance I would find out in the future if my wife had cheated on me in the past, then I wasn't sure if I would want to know now. If it never came to light, she never did it again, and we were blissfully happy together, why would I really want to know?

 

It's not an easy situation and different moral philosophies would handle things in different ways, e.g.

 

1. Natural Law Ethics says truth must always be told.

2. Utilitarianism says do what produces the greatest amount of happiness.

3. Situational Ethics looks at each problem individually and attempts to find the best solution.

 

So, while you are obviously someone who thinks Natural Law morality is the only way forward, there are other philosophies that might suggest a different approach.

 

Oh for God's sakes.

 

You started out sounding like the man who was really remorseful and now you've gone into the "justification zone."

 

Really, you have three ethical options available now?

 

You can't figure out in your forties that cheating and lying about it isn't okay?

 

Well let me help you out:

 

CHEATING AND LYING ABOUT IT ISN'T OKAY.

 

And apparently you aren't okay with it either. Unless your goal here is to come on here and make yourself okay with it to continue the relationship with her.

 

So what's your goal: continue the relationship knowing that you've done a dealbreaking thing and hide behind it.

 

Give her what you think she'd want. To move on without knowing she'd been cheated on.

 

Be honest with what you have done so at least she can make the choice for herself. And you can move on realizing that it wasn't worth behaving in that way.

 

There's your three special options. Since you know all about different ways to justify it, figure it out. No one is going to make that decision for you.

 

And frankly, it sounds like you've already decided but you want to feel better about your decision.

[dreamingoftigers]

Part of me agrees with you, while the other part is being swayed by those who think I should confess. I think you are right about damaging her self-esteem and ability to trust anyone else.

 

Ironically enough, at the moment you are putting her in the position of not being able to trust someone. Because right now she trusts you, and you are not to be trusted.

[ascendotum]

You have all the facts and are able to decide what you want out of life and your relationship. If you tell her, you are giving up that control. She would now have all the facts and could decide what is best for her. You are not afraid of hurting her. You are afraid of giving up control. The guilt destroyed you before because you were unable to control your feelings. You may be more selfish than you think.

 

All he has over her is just the full facts about 1 day in the 9x365 or so days they have known each other. How do we know that maybe she doesn't have the full facts about something he doesn't know about that she has done, that he is blissfully unaware of. That one day would likely change the course of the relationship if she knew but in the absence of knowing it does not give him control of the relatiosnhip or change anything for her with the day to day dynamics of the relationship (unless the guilt seeps thru). He will hurt her if/when she finds out and as this is their 2nd go at this relationship she could well take the deception harder having won him back and bitterly regret it. For some here discovering they were cheated on is a huge stab in the heart, for others they are resilient and take it in their stride.

 

Everybody here would want to know they have been cheated on, and no one wants to see a cheater get way with it (especially the unremorseful ones), but from the cheaters perspective they see it that they have not damaged the relationship and the damage is crystalized only when their partner finds out. Pretty much all cheaters are selfish and they rationalize.

[darkbloom]

I have been cheated on. Coming from that perspective, I would have 1000 times over rather heard it from him than from the girl he cheated with. Food for thought. You cannot guarantee that she won't find out.

 

My other issue with cheating is I don't believe in anything that knowingly causes harm or could cause harm to another person. You knowingly cheated on your girlfriend. It's done and you can't take it back. You can however, apologize from it and grow into a better person. You have the power to make it better.

[Pablee]

How about saying it "wouldn't"?

 

Good point, yes that's what I will say.

[Pablee]

Oh for God's sakes.

 

 

Well let me help you out:

 

CHEATING AND LYING ABOUT IT ISN'T OKAY.

 

Yes, I already know that.

And you can move on realizing that it wasn't worth behaving in that way.

 

Yes, I realized that 3 years ago.

 

And frankly, it sounds like you've already decided but you want to feel better about your decision.

 

No, I needed advice and I have got some, from you and from others who see it differently from you.

 

Thanks for adding to the discussion.

[Pablee]

All he has over her is just the full facts about 1 day in the 9x365 or so days they have known each other.

 

in the absence of knowing it does not give him control of the relationship or change anything for her with the day to day dynamics of the relationship

 

This.

 

Very insightful.

[Pablee]

OP I mean this in the best way.

 

By not telling her, you have control of your relationship.

 

She is not a robot.

 

She knows absolutely everything else about me. The only thing I have control over is whether to tell her my mistake which will never be repeated.

[Pablee]

Because right now she trusts you, and you are not to be trusted.

 

Yes she trusts me and I can be trusted never to cheat on her again, despite your assessment of me.

[Pablee]

What I do find interesting about discussions regarding cheating is that those who are younger are, generally, very idealistic, everything is black and white, and the only right thing to do is confess.

 

When speaking to older people who are more experienced with life and relationships, many tend to see the dilemma from different perspectives, and things are not so one-dimensional. They tend to give more thought as to the pros and cons of telling or not telling.

[still_an_Angel]

This issue is clearly in the forefront for you. While I understand your fear of hurting her by telling her, I think not being upfront and honest about it before you get married will cause problems more down the road. Fact is, she has a very bad experience with cheating within her family, its is also a fact that your ONS happened. I think you have to bite the bullet and be totally honest this happened, and that it lead to your break-up before. While you cannot control her reaction (but have a strong indication of how it will be), you don't know the deep recess of her mind, whether she loves you enough to forgive you, etc. etc. But for your own peace of mind, you will feel better not hiding this from her and let the pieces fall where they may.

 

 

She can then make her decision whether to marry you or continue having a relationship with you. Then you go into the marriage with a clear conscience and there will be nothing in the future that will bite you in the bum.

[Pablee]

This issue is clearly in the forefront for you. While I understand your fear of hurting her by telling her, I think not being upfront and honest about it before you get married will cause problems more down the road. Fact is, she has a very bad experience with cheating within her family, its is also a fact that your ONS happened. I think you have to bite the bullet and be totally honest this happened, and that it lead to your break-up before. While you cannot control her reaction (but have a strong indication of how it will be), you don't know the deep recess of her mind, whether she loves you enough to forgive you, etc. etc. But for your own peace of mind, you will feel better not hiding this from her and let the pieces fall where they may.

 

 

She can then make her decision whether to marry you or continue having a relationship with you. Then you go into the marriage with a clear conscience and there will be nothing in the future that will bite you in the bum.

 

Thanks for your input. I think you have made a very good point.

[fireflywy]

 

Anyway, what I did was unloving, yes, and at the time I showed a complete lack of disrespect and love for my girlfriend. But that does not mean I did not love her before, or even that I do not love her now.

I have made a big mistake, which I acknowledge, and I should probably come clean to her. But even if I do come clean and she forgives me, and we end up having a wonderful happy life together and I never cheat again, by your definition she is just some pathetic woman who can't leave a man who doesn't really love her, because of one stupid mistake way in the past.

 

And you just cannot determine whether a relationship is a loving one based solely on whether a person has cheated or not - there is so much more to love than that. There are plenty of people in loveless marriages who have never cheated, and despite the fact you don't accept this, there are plenty of successful loving marriages that have come through the devastation of an affair and have ended up stronger than before.

 

I will say this though: you are probably right that I do need to confess. And I have already considered many times before now that if I loved her I should just let her go. BUT, if I do confess and she wants to forgive me - then who are you to say we can never find true love again?

 

You have answered your own question.

 

If you love her now, then you'll give her love by giving her her free will to choose what SHE will do next.

 

You said yourself, that you cannot determine whether a relationship is a loving one that can survive whether a partner has cheated or not and yet you are afraid to prove to her, and let her prove to you that this is true.

 

If she chooses to forgive you, that DOES NOT make her weak if you're truly seeking it, it makes her someone worth TREASURING. It also makes you an honest and humble man who learns from the past.

 

If you truly want to show her love, if you TRULY want to let go of the guilt, and if you TRULY want to prove the strength of this relationship then..

 

ROLL THE DICE and tell her the truth.

Edited May 3, 2015 by fireflywy

[Pablee]

You have answered your own question.

 

...and let her prove to you that this is true.

 

I don't feel I need to let her prove anything though.

If she chooses to forgive you, that DOES NOT make her weak if you're truly seeking it, it makes her someone worth TREASURING.

 

But I already know she is worth treasuring.

 

It also makes you an honest and humble man who learns from the past.

 

What you are saying here is curious. Do you mean by facing the fallout from her anger and bitter disappointment, that the hurt caused to me will make me more humble?

 

And If she stays with me, what will I have achieved in reality, apart from causing her a lot of pain which will take some time to heal and spoil her present happiness?

 

Conversely, if I do the "selfless" thing and give her the "power" and she leaves, what then? Statistics show that over 50% of people cheat at least once in their lifetime. What guarantee is there that her future partner(s) won't cheat either?

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes she trusts me and I can be trusted never to cheat on her again, despite your assessment of me.

You aren't to be trusted because you are withholding something from her that would change her whole view of the relationship.

 

Like if I won the lotto and didn't mention it to my husband and we lived off of Kraft Dinner because we were so broke.

 

That would be very deceptive and to no other end than to be selfish and indifferent to his feelings.

 

This is no different. You don't want to lose, so you will lie to keep her.

 

This isn't about "her" it's about you.

[darkbloom]

What I do find interesting about discussions regarding cheating is that those who are younger are, generally, very idealistic, everything is black and white, and the only right thing to do is confess.

 

When speaking to older people who are more experienced with life and relationships, many tend to see the dilemma from different perspectives, and things are not so one-dimensional. They tend to give more thought as to the pros and cons of telling or not telling.

 

I think it's interesting that a discussion about simple morality is being pushed into gray territory. Age has nothing to do with this discussion.

 

What you did is considered 'wrong' in our society as we have considered lying and cheating to fall into that category.

 

The question now is if you are willing to face the consequences for that decision. You are already experiencing them internally. You are trying to decide if it will be worth it in the long run.

 

Your outside should match your inside. The two are causing a conflict within yourself.