One-night stand

[Pablee]

Fidelity is fundamental to any relationship that is monogamous and heading for marriage.

Your future wife has an image in her mind of you.

You have both been honest re the other partners, when you were on a break, so I guess she trusts you implicitly.

 

BUT you are fooling her here, that was a bit of a trick you pulled. You misdirected her attention, by being oh so honest about the woman on the break, but omitted to tell her about the one night stand.

 

You are hiding from her something that is basic to her decision making re her marriage to you and is that really fair? She is in her 40s, she is not a child that needs protected here, she is an adult and as an adult should be aware of all the facts before you ask her to enter into a marriage contract with you.

 

You also need to consider carefully the reason why you dumped her in the first place. I think you were bored and had the ONS to add some excitement. You then realised she wasn't the one for you, went cold on her and eventually dumped her.

Add in a bit of post-split loneliness and suddenly she doesn't seem so bad.

I have never been an advocate of resurrecting old relationships, the issues that caused the first split tend to resurface, and the dumpee just gets hurt all over again.

 

Elaine, this is the best response for my personal situation so far in this thread. You have hit on a nerve.

 

Thankyou for your wisdom.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Pablee

[PogoStick]

Here's what's interesting. Women by nature are more monogamous than men due to the burden of raising a child. Research has shown some interesting things:

 

1. Open relationships, or swingers, even if women willingly agree to these relationships they report being less happy than women in "monogamous" relationships (defined loosely considering how many women cheat). However, men are more happy being able to have sex with multiple women. In this situation, the woman is sacrificing for the man.

 

2. In monogamous relationships, it's the opposite. Here the woman is more happy but the man is less happy. He is constraining his natural tendency and sacrificing happiness for the woman.

 

3. So it turns out, the best of both worlds is when the man is having sex with multiple women, but the woman doesn't know about it. Here both the man and woman report higher levels of happiness.

 

And another interesting question comes up. In modern times, why do people have affairs when divorce is so accessible? If they are unhappy, they can get a divorce and find a new partner. It turns out affairs often happen even in happy relationships. Just like with the OP.

Edited April 29, 2015 by PogoStick

[Pablee]

Here's what's interesting. Women by nature are more monogamous than men due to the burden of raising a child. Research has shown some interesting things:

 

1. Open relationships, or swingers, even if women willingly agree to these relationships they report being less happy than women in "monogamous" relationships (defined loosely considering how many women cheat). However, men are more happy being able to have sex with multiple women. In this situation, the woman is sacrificing for the man.

 

2. In monogamous relationships, it's the opposite. Here the woman is more happy but the man is less happy. He is constraining his natural tendency and sacrificing happiness for the woman. (Of course, monogamous is a loaded word here because half of women cheat too.)

 

3. So it turns out, the best of both worlds is when the man is having sex with multiple women, but the woman doesn't know about it. Here both the man and woman report higher levels of happiness.

 

And another interesting question comes up. In modern times, why do people have affairs when divorce is so accessible? If they are unhappy, they can get a divorce and find a new partner. It turns out affairs often happen even in happy relationships. Just like with the OP.

 

Well Pogo that is extremely fascinating research I wasn't aware of. It's food for thought indeed. Of course, the problem with scenario 3 is that the woman might find out or the man could pass on a STD. It certainly wouldn't be the best of both worlds then!

[PegNosePete]

"Research" yeah, do you have a link to that "research"?

[April Moon]

And another thing, some people on here keep harping on about giving her the power to decide. In theory I might agree but you have to remember by giving her that power I am also giving her immense pain.

 

 

 

If I thought for one moment that I would eventually cheat again and wreck the relationship then I would certainly tell her right away. But as it is I am trying to find justification not for keeping the secret, but justification for telling her and hurting her so much.

 

You stated earlier that is was out of character for you to cheat and something you never thought you would do. How can you be so sure that you would never do it again?

[Pablee]

You stated earlier that is was out of character for you to cheat and something you never thought you would do. How can you be so sure that you would never do it again?

 

Hi April Moon, all I can say is that I believe I would never do it again because I am now a stronger, more spiritual, and less selfish person than I used to be (for various reasons and life-changing experiences not connected to relationships), and that the pain I have caused acts as a deterrent.

 

However, in the case of my current relationship Elaine has made me realize I have been in self-denial about certain issues which must be dealt with first before I even make a decision on anything else.

[Spectre]

Thankyou for being understanding. Despite what other people think on this thread I'm not a coward to tell her, I DO love her, and yes I was a slimeball at the time but it was out of character. People like to cast the first stone on these forums and when you look for understanding but get a lot of judgmental digs thrown at you it can be disheartening. I don't need people to tell me what I did was wrong I know full well.

 

But you obviously do not know full well. If you did know full well you would of told her. If you loved her you wouldn't be on a forum telling us all how you cheated on her and coming up with lame reasons as to why you can't man up.

 

BUT, I have heard of other couples who went through similar problems and came through in the end to enjoy a long and happy life together.

 

Yeah, those are the kind of people who have zero problem spending the rest of their life with someone who can't possibly love or respect them. Do you feel your girlfriend is like that? Obviously you do not since if you did then you would of confessed.

 

You can't judge someone's love for another, especially a complete stranger, by reading a few words on the internet. But then I imagine a lot of these people have been hurt too, so I don't really blame them.

 

I always see this and you know what? It is a cop out. We don't need to know the intricacies of your relationship or even every detail. ACTIONS speak louder then words. Your actions show how you truly feel, and it's not love. Plus, if you are truly convinced you do love her then wouldn't you want her to never ever be with you? You'd feel she deserves better then to be stuck with a cheater who doesn't even respect her enough to inform her she is living a lie. So, why don't you feel she deserves better then you?

 

 

I'm not afraid to tell her for my sake, but because I do love her and see how happy she is, I am finding it difficult to destroy her happiness, especially when I feel I could build a future with her. If I believed what others have written on here then I would do the right thing and break up with her, but they don't really understand how I feel about her.

 

Just stop with this worrying about destroying her happiness. I hate when people suddenly decide they are all worried about their partners feelings..only AFTER they have cheated. Where was this concern for her feelings prior to that? That is why ultimately excuses like this never work, why saying "I won't tell because I don't want to hurt them" doesn't fly. If you didn't want to hurt her you wouldn't of cheated on her.

 

The happiness you are afraid of destroying? Guess what? That happiness is based on a lie now. You see, when someone has cheated on their partner and not confessed to them what they did..every time you see that person and do not mention what you did? That's another lie, another betrayal. Every time you guys kiss and you don't confess? Another lie and betrayal. Every single time you tell her you love her? You guessed it: another betrayal. Every single time you act like everything is hunky dory when it is not? A lie and betrayal. Pretty much every single day that passes with them not knowing the truth is another lie and betrayal added to the list. Don't even get me started on how messed up it is to be allowing your partner to have sex with you even though you have cheated. That is worse then anything, if a person could do such an intimate act with their partner and yet not tell them of this huge betrayal.

 

So don't think of this as one betrayal, you are betraying this woman all over again, every single day. To me that isn't love. Like I said: there are some things a person just doesn't do if they love someone.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Spectre

[Pablee]

 

If you loved her you wouldn't be on a forum telling us all how you cheated on her

 

According to whom? You?

 

Yeah, those are the kind of people who have zero problem spending the rest of their life with someone who can't possibly love or respect them.

 

Where is your evidence for that?

 

Your actions show how you truly feel, and it's not love.

 

Prove that I don't love her now, Mr. Perfect.

 

I hate when people suddenly decide they are all worried about their partners feelings..only AFTER they have cheated.

 

More emotional diatribe with no evidence that I didn't care about her feelings before.

 

If you didn't want to hurt her you wouldn't of cheated on her.

 

This is your only point I somewhat agree with.

 

So don't think of this as one betrayal, you are betraying this woman all over again, every single day.

 

That's just your perspective, I don't agree.

 

To me that isn't love.

 

Fair enough. Your perceptions of love are much different to mine so let's leave it there. We won't see eye to eye, but thankyou for taking the time to respond with a lengthy post.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Pablee

[Spectre]

According to whom? You?

 

Well yeah according to me. I can only judge what I've been told, and what I've been told is that you slept with someone else despite having been in a long term relationship. I'm not saying what I believe is the universal law on love, I know other people view it differently. I also realize love can be very complicated, so can relationships, they can be complex. But for me cheating is always dreadfully simple.

 

Where is your evidence for that?

 

Simple: I believe if a person cheats on you they do not love or respect you. Thus if you stay with them it means you have either gone into a state of denial and convinced yourself they do love you despite the massive betrayal..or it means you just don't have a problem with being disrespected. Again, this is just what I believe.

 

Prove that I don't love her now, Mr. Perfect.

 

I can easily prove it with one simple question: did you ever have sex with another woman during your relationship?

 

You also illustrated a good point by calling me Mr. Perfect. See, it doesn't take being a perfect person to not cheat. I'm not perfect, I never said I was, because nobody is. What I said is there are some lines you just don't cross. I'm not perfect, I've never been a perfect boyfriend to anyone, but I've also never cheated and I never will. I am also not looking for a girl who is perfect, flaws are fine..as long as one of those flaws is not cheating on me.

 

 

More emotional diatribe with no evidence that I didn't care about her feelings before.

 

Dude if you cared about her there would of been no one night stand. How could you do that to her if you loved her? She gave you her heart..you gave her betrayal. Why would you do this to someone you love?

 

That's just your perspective, I don't agree.

 

But why don't you agree? Don't you feel she deserves to know this info? So every day you do not tell her is a betrayal, right?

 

Fair enough. Your perceptions of love are much different to mine so let's leave it there. We won't see eye to eye, but thankyou for taking the time to respond with a lengthy post.

 

Here is what you need to realize..this isn't just about cheating. I mean it is, but think about something for a second: you are allowing her to believe everything is all right when it is not. Is that fair to her? She only gets one life to live.

 

Look, you obviously feel you love her. I just can't imagine why you wouldn't tell her what you did then if that is the case. I know you are of the opinion you do not want to hurt her, but people are a lot less fragile then you think man. She will be very hurt by this, but pain is a part of life. Doesn't she deserve an honest relationship? I realize you say you won't ever do this again. I'm not saying you will, but consider this: if a few weeks prior to your ONS I asked you if you would ever cheat on your gf..I'm guessing you probably would of said "no I never would" right? Yet..it still happened. You see the point I am making?

Edited April 30, 2015 by Spectre

[Pablee]

Well yeah according to me. I can only judge what I've been told, and what I've been told is that you slept with someone else despite having been in a long term relationship. I'm not saying what I believe is the universal law on love, I know other people view it differently. I also realize love can be very complicated, so can relationships, they can be complex. But for me cheating is always dreadfully simple.

 

Simple: I believe if a person cheats on you they do not love or respect you. Thus if you stay with them it means you have either gone into a state of denial and convinced yourself they do love you despite the massive betrayal..or it means you just don't have a problem with being disrespected. Again, this is just what I believe.

 

I can easily prove it with one simple question: did you ever have sex with another woman during your relationship?

 

You also illustrated a good point by calling me Mr. Perfect. See, it doesn't take being a perfect person to not cheat. I'm not perfect, I never said I was, because nobody is. What I said is there are some lines you just don't cross. I'm not perfect, I've never been a perfect boyfriend to anyone, but I've also never cheated and I never will. I am also not looking for a girl who is perfect, flaws are fine..as long as one of those flaws is not cheating on me.

 

Dude if you cared about her there would of been no one night stand. How could you do that to her if you loved her? She gave you her heart..you gave her betrayal. Why would you do this to someone you love?

 

But why don't you agree? Don't you feel she deserves to know this info? So every day you do not tell her is a betrayal, right?

 

Here is what you need to realize..this isn't just about cheating. I mean it is, but think about something for a second: you are allowing her to believe everything is all right when it is not. Is that fair to her? She only gets one life to live.

 

Look, you obviously feel you love her. I just can't imagine why you wouldn't tell her what you did then if that is the case. I know you are of the opinion you do not want to hurt her, but people are a lot less fragile then you think man. She will be very hurt by this, but pain is a part of life. Doesn't she deserve an honest relationship? I realize you say you won't ever do this again. I'm not saying you will, but consider this: if a few weeks prior to your ONS I asked you if you would ever cheat on your gf..I'm guessing you probably would of said "no I never would" right? Yet..it still happened. You see the point I am making?

 

Now you are being more rational we can have a discourse. I was beginning to think if you were God all humanity would be doomed!

 

You agree none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Some are worse than others, and in the context of a relationship I agree cheating is one of the worst things, although not as bad as murdering your partner of course.

 

When I was younger I felt like you do, that if you cheated you could not possibly love the other person, and I believed, like you, I would never do it. But I did. We all start off with these wonderful ideals, but sometimes we can surprise ourselves as to how low we can stoop. You say now you would never cheat - I hope you always remember that.

 

Anyway, what I did was unloving, yes, and at the time I showed a complete lack of disrespect and love for my girlfriend. But that does not mean I did not love her before, or even that I do not love her now.

 

I have made a big mistake, which I acknowledge, and I should probably come clean to her. But even if I do come clean and she forgives me, and we end up having a wonderful happy life together and I never cheat again, by your definition she is just some pathetic woman who can't leave a man who doesn't really love her, because of one stupid mistake way in the past.

 

That viewpoint does not allow humans to make bad mistakes, and does not allow for something called forgiveness and reconciliation. In your book I am just some scumbag who does not deserve to have another chance, or to be with another woman as along as I live because I am incapable of true love.

 

I am sorry, but I don't agree that the solution to cheating IS always so simple.

 

And you just cannot determine whether a relationship is a loving one based solely on whether a person has cheated or not - there is so much more to love than that. There are plenty of people in loveless marriages who have never cheated, and despite the fact you don't accept this, there are plenty of successful loving marriages that have come through the devastation of an affair and have ended up stronger than before.

 

I will say this though: you are probably right that I do need to confess. And I have already considered many times before now that if I loved her I should just let her go. BUT, if I do confess and she wants to forgive me - then who are you to say we can never find true love again?

Edited April 30, 2015 by Pablee

[davidromero43]

I wouldn't tell. But if you can't get over it, then it will destroy the relationship again. So you might as well tell and see what happens.

[2nd tyme]

^^^^ Agree with this.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm seeing an awful lot of defensiveness, demands for "evidence", snarkiness. And an awful lot of discourse about how much you love and respect your girlfriend, OP. But in the end, your view on love doesn't matter too much in this scenario - your girlfriend's does. Ask her to define what love and a healthy relationship are. Ask her to outline what a loving boyfriend is, exactly. Then ask yourself if you fit HER description.

 

I'm saying this because I went through something similar a few years ago. He came clean about an indiscretion from the past. So in fact I DO have experience from the other side of the fence here. And I'm very glad he finally told me.

[PegNosePete]

I'm just seeing a lot of tangents, strawman arguments, criticism of responders motives, and examples of totally different scenarios where not telling is a lot more justifiable.

[Pablee]

I'm seeing an awful lot of defensiveness, demands for "evidence", snarkiness. And an awful lot of discourse about how much you love and respect your girlfriend, OP. But in the end, your view on love doesn't matter too much in this scenario - your girlfriend's does. Ask her to define what love and a healthy relationship are. Ask her to outline what a loving boyfriend is, exactly. Then ask yourself if you fit HER description.

 

I'm saying this because I went through something similar a few years ago. He came clean about an indiscretion from the past. So in fact I DO have experience from the other side of the fence here. And I'm very glad he finally told me.

 

Do you mind if I ask whether you and him managed to work things out, or did you decide you couldn't trust him anymore? Of course I understand if you don't want to answer, and I know it may have no bearing on my situation as every relationship is different.

 

I already do know my past infidelity does not fit her image of a perfect boyfriend, i.e. one that has never cheated.

[Pablee]

I'm just seeing a lot of tangents, strawman arguments, criticism of responders motives, and examples of totally different scenarios where not telling is a lot more justifiable.

 

Well I have read a number of articles, written by both male and female relationship experts, and the majority of them are of the consensus it would be foolish to reveal a past ONS to your partner if the relationship is currently a happy one and you both are committed to staying together.

 

(Just one such article from a female: If the affair is over, should you tell? FEMAIL expert Tracey Cox says honesty is not necessarily the best policy | Daily Mail Online)

 

You can of course dispute the fact it's not a happy one for me because of my guilt, and it would potentially be misery for her if she found out...

Edited May 1, 2015 by Pablee

[Pablee]

I wouldn't tell. But if you can't get over it, then it will destroy the relationship again. So you might as well tell and see what happens.

 

Hi, well I am keeping the guilt under control and think there is a possibility I could keep it a secret forever. The reason it has resurfaced now is because the relationship is starting to get more serious with talks of marriage.

[Pablee]

Here's another thought.

 

I confess and she breaks up with me. It causes her a lot of pain, but she will probably get over it given time.

 

Eventually, I feel better because I have shed the guilt and have finally been honest (in spite of my dishonesty in the past).

 

Is there not an element of selfishness on my part for confessing? I think so.

 

And, a relationship that has great potential has gone to waste.

 

Just because confession is traditionally seen as 'the right thing to do.'

Edited May 1, 2015 by Pablee

[No Limit]

Just because confession is traditionally seen as 'the right thing to do.'

 

No, because you cheated.

[PegNosePete]

That's not "another" thought, it's the same old excuse you've been wheeling out since 5 pages back.

[Pablee]

I would argue that sometimes the end justifies the means.

 

If I never told her and we spent the rest of our lives happy together, even though she remained in ignorance of my deed, then would there not be some justification in keeping the secret?

 

I would also argue that every person in the world tells lies on a regular basis. Yes some lies are bigger and much worse than others, but if you are arguing 100% for the principle that we must always be honest then you are arguing from an absolutist moral position (primarily a religious perspective), which in reality no human can fulfil.

 

By the way, in case you haven't noticed, I do like debate, and I often play devil's advocate even though I may not necessarily uphold the arguments I'm making.

[Pablee]

No, because you cheated.

 

So you are saying I should throw the whole relationship out the window just because I cheated 3 years ago?

 

In spite of all the good things that are in the relationship?

 

You are saying that giving her painful "knowledge" of my past sin is more important than anything else?

[ExpatInItaly]

So you are saying I should throw the whole relationship out the window just because I cheated 3 years ago?

 

In spite of all the good things that are in the relationship?

 

You are saying that giving her painful "knowledge" of my past sin is more important than anything else?

 

Yes, it is. She deserves to know the truth about the person she probably trusts most in her life.

 

In response to your question about my own experience, no we didn't manage to work it out. I never looked at him the same and obviously knew I'd never be able to trust him with my heart again. He wasn't the great boyfriend I thought he was, because I had believed him to be an honest and trustworthy man. Obviously he wasn't. My feelings for him changed dramatically after I found out and I had to move on without him.

[Pablee]

Yes, it is. She deserves to know the truth about the person she probably trusts most in her life.

 

In response to your question about my own experience, no we didn't manage to work it out. I never looked at him the same and obviously knew I'd never be able to trust him with my heart again. He wasn't the great boyfriend I thought he was, because I had believed him to be an honest and trustworthy man. Obviously he wasn't. My feelings for him changed dramatically after I found out and I had to move on without him.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yes she does trust me more than anyone, and I would die for her, even though I cheated. If I confess I'm sure she will probably feel the same way that you did and not see me in the same light anymore. Whether or not she can forgive me and try again - well I don't know.

 

As Elaine pointed out, at the time there were issues in our relationship that may have contributed as to why I cheated. Not trying to justify myself in any way or shirk responsibility, and of course selfishness and lust were factors. Just saying it's a bit more complex. Not sure I really want to indulge those other issues on an open forum.

[loversquarrel]

Keeping such a secret takes away from any relationship. I think it would be a good idea to confess, but make sure you tell her that the guilt wore on you to the point that you felt you had to break up with her because of it.

 

Also, it's not about giving her the power to decide, more appropriately it is about giving her a chance to forgive you. If you love her as much as you say you do, you will give her this opportunity. It takes a strong person to admit such a thing, and an even stronger person to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Fall so she can catch you.