Really need some here, "cheating" and partner is not sure he loves me

[Diezel]

For someone whose name translates to "Strength", you really should have put your foot down by now and finished this relationship. Let him chase his little girls. Go find yourself a man. And one that is closer.

[stillafool]

I I'm giving him 1 more chance to prove himself, after that I'm done.

 

Why? You said yourself he is not sure he loves you and he's interested in a 17 year old.

[elaine567]

Yikes. Girl. Wake up.

 

...And you're thinking he deserves another chance. 4.5 years of history in no way is a good reason to hang on; be grateful you discovered this now so you can move on to someone who has a shred of respect for you, because this boyfriend definitely doesn't.

 

Why are your standards and self-worth so low that you think he's a reasonable partner? He sucks. And he's a pig - an adult going after a girl.

 

4.5 years of history is actually the reason you should go and not waste a minute longer of your life with this loser.

[Fuerza]

The thing is, I've been discussing this with him and every time again he says and swears he had no sexual intentions whatsoever, it only made him happy that a girl was kind to him and he thought he could have an extra female friend. I think that if he really wanted something sexually out of her, he would have said so to me because why would he still want to stay in a relationship with me if he could pursue the 17 year old girl?

 

He says he does love me but he is not sure he loves me romantically or that he loves me as a friend. I asked him why he has this feeling and he says it's because we haven't done anything romantically lately.

 

The reason why I don't want to give up on our relationship is because I feel he is being sincere with me and he just had an insecurity moment with that girl. I'm "used" to guys trying to flirt with me and I know perfectly how to react to it but I think he was so shocked that another girl was interested in him and it just got to him. In our whole relationship it's the first time he's told me a girl was flirting with him actually.

[Redhead14]

The thing is, I've been discussing this with him and every time again he says and swears he had no sexual intentions whatsoever, it only made him happy that a girl was kind to him and he thought he could have an extra female friend. I think that if he really wanted something sexually out of her, he would have said so to me because why would he still want to stay in a relationship with me if he could pursue the 17 year old girl?

 

He says he does love me but he is not sure he loves me romantically or that he loves me as a friend. I asked him why he has this feeling and he says it's because we haven't done anything romantically lately.

 

The reason why I don't want to give up on our relationship is because I feel he is being sincere with me and he just had an insecurity moment with that girl. I'm "used" to guys trying to flirt with me and I know perfectly how to react to it but I think he was so shocked that another girl was interested in him and it just got to him. In our whole relationship it's the first time he's told me a girl was flirting with him actually.

 

The reason why I don't want to give up on our relationship is because I feel he is being sincere with me and he just had an insecurity moment with that girl. -- I don't understand why you started this post then. Now you're saying you feel he is being sincere and earlier you were questioning him.

 

I asked him why he has this feeling and he says it's because we haven't done anything romantically lately. -- Here's your heads up.

 

There is a problem in the relationship. He didn't bring it up with you and instead he sought attention elsewhere.

 

You two have some work to do.

[elaine567]

I think that if he really wanted something sexually out of her, he would have said so to me because why would he still want to stay in a relationship with me if he could pursue the 17 year old girl?

 

 

Never heard of cheating and cake eating?

 

Listen to what he is telling you here.

"He says he does love me but he is not sure he loves me romantically or that he loves me as a friend.

This "relationship" is over.

This is the "I love you, but I am not in love with you conversation"

Hang on at your peril, as soon as he finds your replacement or he gets up enough courage to leave, he will be gone.

[ExpatInItaly]

The thing is, I've been discussing this with him and every time again he says and swears he had no sexual intentions whatsoever, it only made him happy that a girl was kind to him and he thought he could have an extra female friend. I think that if he really wanted something sexually out of her, he would have said so to me because why would he still want to stay in a relationship with me if he could pursue the 17 year old girl?

 

He says he does love me but he is not sure he loves me romantically or that he loves me as a friend. I asked him why he has this feeling and he says it's because we haven't done anything romantically lately.

 

The reason why I don't want to give up on our relationship is because I feel he is being sincere with me and he just had an insecurity moment with that girl. I'm "used" to guys trying to flirt with me and I know perfectly how to react to it but I think he was so shocked that another girl was interested in him and it just got to him. In our whole relationship it's the first time he's told me a girl was flirting with him actually.

 

This is so sad. Please read up on gaslighting and co-dependency. He's got you so manipulated it's frightening.

[katiegrl]

Nevermind NPD, to me it sounds more like Asperger's or borderline mental retardation.

 

 

I don't say that to be flip... at 29, he just seems very very confused about his feelings, his relationships, what's appropriate/not appropriate, the whole shebang.

 

 

I mean it's one thing to have a crush on another girl, but to not even know what those feelings are, or what they mean....and then cry to YOU about it?

 

 

Who are you, his frat buddy? No you are his girlfriend. Completely inappropriate.... but he seems to think it's perfectly fine and appropriate to whine to you, his GIRLFRIEND, about it.

 

 

OP, encourage him to see doctor. Have him explain to his doctor what he's feeling/experiencing.

 

 

He sounds really off.

Edited April 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[joseb]

I just gave him a list of characteristics and asked him if he agreed he had some or none. At first he said he would have about 8 out of the 25 characteristics and then he actually turned it around and said about 20 of them were me lol.

 

Anyway he admitted that he can be a narcissist, but his insecurity is playing a role too here. I'm giving him 1 more chance to prove himself, after that I'm done.

 

This is the reason you never suggest t someone you think has a PD that they have one. They turn it around and they try to make you think it's you.

Plus they now know you suspect, so they become less obvious about it (but just as damaging).

 

And the fact that he's moaning to you about this girl ignoring him now????

Seriously, who would do that?

And why would you listen to him.

 

This guy has some serious weird issues, and you need to dump his sorry ass.

[lana-banana]

I don't think he's narcissistic or manipulative, he's just immature and a little cowardly. It sounds like your relationship died a long time ago and you were just going through the motions. He told you he loved you like a sister! He talks to you about other women he wants to be with! NO ONE says that about a romantic partner they care about. Yes, he should have broken up with you as soon as he reached that conclusion, but as I said he seems immature. It sounds like he wanted to force you to break up with him so he didn't have to do it himself.

 

Don't try to get him back. This guy's feelings are so far gone that he sees you as a buddy. Block him and start thinking about what kind of man you want for the next 4.5 years of your life. It shouldn't be a guy like this.

[katiegrl]

This is the reason you never suggest t someone you think has a PD that they have one. They turn it around and they try to make you think it's you.

Plus they now know you suspect, so they become less obvious about it (but just as damaging).

 

***And the fact that he's moaning to you about this girl ignoring him now????

Seriously, who would do that?***

 

And why would you listen to him.

 

This guy has some serious weird issues, and you need to dump his sorry ass.

 

Who would do that? Someone with little to no social skills, who is completely unaware of the nuances that comprise a romantic relationship, confusion about their feelings, appropriate behavior and boundaries, lack of consideration and empathy with respect to how another person (a girlfriend) might interpret your actions = ASPERGERS, not NPD.

[stillafool]

 

 

 

 

The thing is, I've been discussing this with him and every time again he says

and swears he had no sexual intentions whatsoever, it only made him

happy that a girl was kind to him and he thought he could have an extra female

friend.

 

Seriously? Are not you kind to him? This guy is full of it.

 

I think that if he really wanted something sexually out of her, he would have

said so to me because why would he still want to stay in a relationship with me

if he could pursue the 17 year old girl?

 

Are you really this naive? He is not going to tell you he wants to have sex with the 17 year old but you can bet he does. He wants to keep you until he finds someone that he is sure he loves.

[Fuerza]

^ He says I'm not actually. He thinks I'm never happy about him even though the only thing I'm doing is just saying how I feel. But he always thinks I'm trying to bash him. I should be able to tell to him when I'm not happy with certain things without him feeling like all I do is complain and take that as a free card to go and cheat.

 

I won't go into details here but there are certain things that I have brought up over the 4 years that for some reason he just doesn't want to be better in. When I tell him that this frustrates me, he sees it as an assault and me being "unkind" instead of seeing it as constructive criticism and doing something with it. It's like playing a broken record over and over from my side. But he just doesn't seem to be able to understand why I'm telling him certain things. It's like he doesn't understand that in a relationship you're supposed to grow and be better in things. He for some reason seems to think he is an ubergod and perfect in everything and everything that I tell him that is remotely "negative" is unkind and ungrateful.