What do you think of this?

[GH101]

I'm a dude, so take this with a grain of salt, but I would have offered to replace the dress with a brand new one and kept the stained one. That way she gets a new unstained dress and you get to keep the old one. Everybody wins. That way your aunt knows that if something happens to a dress you borrow, you'll take ownership of it and replace it so she's not out anything.

 

At bare minimum, I'd give get the cash as promised along with a heartfelt apology. I don't think you meant to do it, it was an accident. But even when we inadvertently create accidents, apologizing and fixing the problem is the right thing to do.

 

She told me I wasn't allowed to borrow her dresses anymore even before she gave me a chance to offer to pay for it. However, what bothered and surprised me the most was my aunts attitude towards me. After I returned the dress she called mad saying it was worse than I said, which wasn't true. I explained to her while the dress was at the cleaners what the spot looked like. She didn't even give me a chance to apologize again and offer money to replace it before she started being disrespectful to me. To not even let me get a word in and just run your mouth off saying things like you can't ever borrow anything again from me again, etc. was immature and rude.

 

She was mad at me even before I had the chance to offer money to replace the dress. However, again I don't think the dress was ruined and to act that way over an item of clothing was ridiculous.

 

If she allowed me time to apologize again and didn't start getting mad right away, than maybe I would feel worse about what happened.

[Toodaloo]

Debretts do several books on modern etiquette and manners.

 

I suggest you read them.

[Jessie1231]

You keep saying that your aunt is acting ridiculous about a dress, but you're then one who is coming to a forum to still complain about it when you said your aunt acted fine the last time you saw her. She seemed to get over it, so you should too.

 

The fact that you had to ask people whether they could see the stain when you were wearing the dress shows that it wasn't as insignificant as you're making it sound. You should have just paid for the dress when you returned it instead of acting offended by being asked to simply have manners.

[Giggle]

You keep saying that she didn't give you the chance to offer. If she already had the dress, then /you/ were late in offering. You should'be just kept it and then while returning the others offered to pay. Offered to pay when the dry cleaners couldn't remove it. Waiting for her to have it in her possession and calling upset.. It was already too late for you to be honestly sorry about the dress.

[Methodical]

The dress is laying in a landfill now, with other ones she carelessly threw away because she was tired of them. It really doesn't matter anymore.

 

To you it doesn't matter anymore. To her it did and does matter and your attitude and response was flippant. Maybe to you the dress wasn't ruined, but to her it was. This is a perfect example of differences in perception. What one person sees as a minor flaw is major to another. You feel a sense of entitlement because your aunt buys dresses often and is kind and generous.

 

Your attitude is appalling. I'm sure your aunt is thankful it wasn't an expensive dress after seeing your blatant disrespect after the fact. If you were willing to have the dry cleaners try to remove the stain and pay for it, why not pay her instead? You did mention doing so and then didn't follow thru. That's two strikes against you.

 

Because you attend a family gathering and your aunt doesn't create a boatload of drama doesn't mean she's forgotten your actions and all is well. It simply means she has more respect for her family than to let your actions determine her attitude and ruin an otherwise pleasant event.

[salparadise]

This isn't a dress problem anymore- it's a relationship/integrity problem. You can fix it with $20 and an apology (unless you've already burned the bridge). Why would you even hesitate to accept responsibility and make it right?

 

There's something missing here- a serious gap in awareness. You need to make adjustments to your thinking and attitude, or it's going to cost you a lot more than the price of a dress. The ripples go on forever.

[Mrin]

This isn't a dress problem anymore- it's a relationship/integrity problem. You can fix it with $20 and an apology (unless you've already burned the bridge). Why would you even hesitate to accept responsibility and make it right?

 

There's something missing here- a serious gap in awareness. You need to make adjustments to your thinking and attitude, or it's going to cost you a lot more than the price of a dress. The ripples go on forever.

 

Yes, this. You are way out of integrity on this OP. You borrowed a dress. You brought it back stained. Who cares whether it is destroyed or not - it isn't in the condition you borrowed it in. So it is up to you to clean that up. You should have offered to pay her for it at the get go. She probably would have declined and you all would be good.

 

But you didn't. She called you on it. You reluctantly (your own words) said okay, can I pay you for it? She said yes. And you didn't.

 

You broke integrity twice here. Over what, $20? Then you come on her and present you case as persuasively as you can. You trot out evidence of her wealth, of how she didn't buy you a present once, about how she loans her dresses to a bunch of other women, blah blah blah. And what do we, a bunch of strangers who could really care less tell you? We tell you that you're wrong.

 

Stop acting like a petulant child. Go get back into integrity with your aunt. Send $20 to your aunt with a heartfelt letter simply apologizing for staining the dress, thanking her for loaning it (and the others) to you and that you are also sorry it took so long to make things right. No story. Nothing else.

 

Believe me, it will be the best $20 you've ever spent.

[autumnnight]

It's called taking responsibility, which you have yet to do.

 

I agree about the Debrett's book. You need to learn about graciousness, gratefulness, and manners.

[preraph]

Give her the money. Now. Mail it to her if you must. Maybe this was one of her favorite dresses, you never know. Don't borrow anything from her ever again.

[Carm]

I think you're attitude is the main problem.

 

 

My daughter borrowed a white top of mine without asking my permission (I wasn't home). She also stained it and on her own brought it to the dry cleaner but they couldn't get the stain out.

 

 

Without me prompting her, she went to the store and bought me the identical one because she felt bad, even though it was also "wearable" as the stain was at the bottom and I usually tuck the front into my jeans.

 

 

Now, she is my daughter and she could have gotten away with it but you are the niece and you must give her the money. Sheesh, I can't believe you are so disrespectful to your aunt. I'd be pissed with you and would never let you borrow anything again. It's not the $20, it's your entitled attitude. Get a grip!

[GH101]

I appreciate all the advice and opinions. However, my mother/sister and other aunts agreed with me. This was not one of her favorite dresses, my other aunt said it didn't even fit her. She has tons of them and I just learned that one of her son's girlfriends ripped one of her dresses at their prom over the weekend. My aunt laughed it off and said I guess you had too much fun, don't worry about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

 

My other aunt was appalled at my aunts attitude towards me. I get a tiny red dot in the crease at the bottom of her dress and she freaks out, but other people have ruined her dresses and she doesn't care.

 

If this dress was so important to her then she shouldn't have lent it to me especially since I told her I was concerned about traveling with it.

 

You don't know my aunt or family, so nobody really knows how she is. She just doesn't care what I think of her, she cares what her friends and son's friends think of her.

 

I won't pay for a dress as if it was ruined. I apologized and tried to get it cleaned. To demand money from me isn't right, I'm her niece who isn't swimming in cash.

 

My aunt shouldn't have acted this way. I am not spoiled and I do have manners.

I should be treated better than she treats her son's friends.

 

I have loaned her things in the past and she had taken a long time to return them or has given back to me ripped and used. I didn't freak out because she's my aunt and I would never act like she did. I understand accidents happen and if I insisted on someone borrowing something to travel with I would realize something could happen to it.

 

The situation has blown over. My other aunt said it was because she throws dresses out all the time and buys new ones. She probably forgot about it by now.

 

She is still lending dresses out to her son's girlfriend even though she ripped a gown and didn't offer to replace or pay for it.

 

Again, nobody here really knows my aunt or me and are just going by what they interpreted in my post, which may come off worse than it really is.

Edited April 28, 2015 by GH101

[eye of the storm]

Just from reading a few of your posts, on this thread and others...it sounds to me like you spend a lot of time with hurt feelings.

 

Your cousin with a new baby asked you to get up to date on your shots and you got upset. Another cousin didn't acknowledge that you were more devastated than they were over losing your grandmother (their grandmother also btw) and didn't come up to you to console you and you got upset. (you didn't approach them either but...) And now you are loaned clothes and when you couldn't return them in the condition that they were borrowed in (and you got called on it), instead of thinking about your behavior you only want to focus on the aunt's behavior, so again you are upset.

 

But let's say for the sake of being fair that the aunt was out of line. Instead of letting it go, you are now going to everyone in the family that is still talking to you and egging them on to side with you over the aunt. You are intentionally causing family drama for no reason. By your own words she did not cause drama at the family gathering you both went to.

 

You seem to be the only constant in these dramas.

 

For your own sake, try letting some things go. Don't worry about who your aunt loans things to or how they are returned. Just worry about you doing the right thing. Everything else will eventually work out. But more importantly, you will be a happier and calmer person.

[Mrin]

OP doesn't seem inclined to accept any objective advice. She'll just keep asking and asking people until she hears what she wants

 

/thread

[Carm]

OP doesn't seem inclined to accept any objective advice. She'll just keep asking and asking people until she hears what she wants

 

/thread

 

 

Very true. She is a right fighter and that won't serve her well in life. How old are you?

 

 

OP, I'm so thankful that you are not my daughter and your mother was wrong. She missed a teachable moment with her daughter. Regardless of what that dress meant to your aunt or not, regardless of what other items were loaned out to other people, you borrowed the dress, you stained the dress and you owe her money. What's right is right and YOU are not right.

 

 

I started that paragraph writing how thankful I am that you are not my daughter but I'll tell you something no child of mine would behave so disrespectfully.

 

 

I hope she never loans you anything else again.

[GH101]

I am amazed by how negative some people can be to a person they don't even know. Saying things like I am glad you're not my daughter and I'm spoiled is out of line. Nobody here knows me or my aunt. You don't fully know the situation, so to pass such strict judgement is ridiculous.

 

I could be in medical school who donates her time at the children's hospital and ASPCA and you are saying things like I'm glad you're not my daughter because I didn't pay for a dress that was far from ruined. I didn't burn down her house or hurt anyone.

 

I wanted to just hear some feedback on this situation and instead I got attacked. You all need manners and realize that I am a stranger and you don't know me.

 

Nobody once said in the end we don't know you or your aunt, we also didn't even see the dress so are opinions may be wrong. I wasn't looking for a personal attack on me. I just wanted to either read pay for the dress or don't. Attacking a stranger on a forum is ridiculous.

[GH101]

Just from reading a few of your posts, on this thread and others...it sounds to me like you spend a lot of time with hurt feelings.

 

Your cousin with a new baby asked you to get up to date on your shots and you got upset. Another cousin didn't acknowledge that you were more devastated than they were over losing your grandmother (their grandmother also btw) and didn't come up to you to console you and you got upset. (you didn't approach them either but...) And now you are loaned clothes and when you couldn't return them in the condition that they were borrowed in (and you got called on it), instead of thinking about your behavior you only want to focus on the aunt's behavior, so again you are upset.

 

But let's say for the sake of being fair that the aunt was out of line. Instead of letting it go, you are now going to everyone in the family that is still talking to you and egging them on to side with you over the aunt. You are intentionally causing family drama for no reason. By your own words she did not cause drama at the family gathering you both went to.

 

You seem to be the only constant in these dramas.

 

For your own sake, try letting some things go. Don't worry about who your aunt loans things to or how they are returned. Just worry about you doing the right thing. Everything else will eventually work out. But more importantly, you will be a happier and calmer person.

 

I am not hurt by some of my family's actions, but instead confused.

I am up to date on my shots, I just didn't want to get the flu shot and tdap.

By the way when you go to a funeral you tell the mourners your condolences. For my cousin's to ignore my mom is a disgrace, she did lose her mom. I was also closer to my grandma then they were and they knew it, so to ignore me as well was strange.

[Jessie1231]

I am not hurt by some of my family's actions, but instead confused.

I am up to date on my shots, I just didn't want to get the flu shot and tdap.

By the way when you go to a funeral you tell the mourners your condolences. For my cousin's to ignore my mom is a disgrace, she did lose her mom. I was also closer to my grandma then they were and they knew it, so to ignore me as well was strange.

 

Have you tried therapy to figure out why you try to paint yourself as the victim? It seems to be the theme of your threads. People behave in a normal manner, but you turn it into some slight against you.

[redglass]

Wow. It's very rare that I will post a mean comment on a forum, but, seriously: get over yourself.

 

This isn't even a monumental issue (which makes the thread in itself a little bit ridiculous) but you made things ten times worse by not offering a simple apology and a paltry $20.

 

Of course you are in the wrong, so it's hard to understand why you don't grasp this. Perhaps your aunt *was* having a bad day, which led her to speak a little more sharply than normal, but she had every right to be upset and annoyed at you. If you consider a blob of red nail polish to be nothing, it makes me wonder what state some of the other dresses were in after you returned them...

 

Please simply apologise and pay for the damage. I'd personally include a handwritten card with a second apology for leaving it so long.

[Toodaloo]

It's called taking responsibility, which you have yet to do.

 

I agree about the Debrett's book. You need to learn about graciousness, gratefulness, and manners.

 

Shocks me that some people don't seem to learn this from their mothers any more...

 

Feeling a bit sad and deflated now.

 

OP perhaps your aunt was able to laugh off the torn dress because the approach to the damage was different. Have you considered that?

 

Perhaps the girl who tore the other dress went to your aunt, apologized, offered to pay and got her something nice like some flowers or chocolates by means of an apology.

 

Instead of being laughed at and comments about how she can afford for you to ruin her dresses she may have been treated with some dignity and respect...

[elaine567]

As you grow up you start to realize that the attitudes of your parents and family are not necessarily correct.

They may agree with you not because they think you are right but because they don't want to upset you or they have their own agenda or they have a skewed way of looking at the world.

[GH101]

Shocks me that some people don't seem to learn this from their mothers any more...

 

Feeling a bit sad and deflated now.

 

OP perhaps your aunt was able to laugh off the torn dress because the approach to the damage was different. Have you considered that?

 

Perhaps the girl who tore the other dress went to your aunt, apologized, offered to pay and got her something nice like some flowers or chocolates by means of an apology.

 

Instead of being laughed at and comments about how she can afford for you to ruin her dresses she may have been treated with some dignity and respect...

 

I am really tired of reading these personal attacks against me and my mother. Just keep it to the situation. You have said your peace about how I should pay for the dress, okay I get it.

You don't know anything about me.

 

I really don't want to read anymore negative comments about my attitude etc.

None of you know me or my family. The excuses and defense of my aunt is insane, none of you know her. You all act like you know her personally and saw the dress.

I guess this came off badly over the internet.

If you're getting upset by this thread and my attitude then why keep responding to it; why waste your time?

 

Also, my other aunt saw the dress that other girl ruined and told me the girl ripped the zipper, tore the front of the dress and got sauce on the bottom of it. She gave it back to my aunt, and just said sorry. She didn't offer to pay for it, get it cleaned or do anything else etc. My aunt responded saying oh it's okay, guess you had too much fun at your prom. My other aunt witnessed this and mentioned my situation and my aunt just said well this is my son's girlfriend and I have a ton of dresses anyway.

My other aunt got annoyed and said but I'm her niece. My aunt just shrugged and said whatever.

Double standard because she was her son's girlfriend. I think they were only together for the prom too.

My other aunt is annoyed at her sister now because she thinks this was bad. I didn't really say anything when she told me this and just said ok.

Edited April 29, 2015 by GH101

[Carm]

I am really tired of reading these personal attacks against me and my mother. Just keep it to the situation. You have said your peace about how I should pay for the dress, okay I get it.

You don't know anything about me.

 

I really don't want to read anymore negative comments about my attitude etc.

None of you know me or my family. The excuses and defense of my aunt is insane, none of you know her. You all act like you know her personally and saw the dress.

I guess this came off badly over the internet.

If you're getting upset by this thread and my attitude then why keep responding to it; why waste your time?

 

Also, my other aunt saw the dress that other girl ruined and told me the girl ripped the zipper, tore the front of the dress and got sauce on the bottom of it. She gave it back to my aunt, and just said sorry. She didn't offer to pay for it, get it cleaned or do anything else etc. My aunt responded saying oh it's okay, guess you had too much fun at your prom. My other aunt witnessed this and mentioned my situation and my aunt just said well this is my son's girlfriend and I have a ton of dresses anyway.

My other aunt got annoyed and said but I'm her niece. My aunt just shrugged and said whatever.

Double standard because she was her son's girlfriend. I think they were only together for the prom too.

My other aunt is annoyed at her sister now because she thinks this was bad. I didn't really say anything when she told me this and just said ok.

 

 

Your side story doesn't really matter. What matters is that YOU borrowed a dress, you stained it, it didn't come out at the cleaners and you refuse to understand that you need to pay your aunt.

 

 

That's the story, it doesn't matter if you are a good Samaritan in other areas of your life. You owe her an apology and the money.

 

 

Grow up and do the right thing!

[salparadise]

I really don't want to read anymore negative comments about my attitude etc.

 

Of course you don't. You pretended to be seeking wisdom, but the reality is that you think and behave like a petulant adolescent, and are interested in nothing more than ammunition to help justify an attitude of entitled, righteous irresponsibility. Of all the thoughtful posts in this thread, not one single person has said you're justified in behaving the way you have. What do you think the chances are that everyone else is wrong and you are the only one thinking straight?

[road]

As soon as you saw that the stain did not come out you should of given her the money for the dress when you gave the dress back without asking her if she wanted to be paid. First mistake.

 

 

Then you did not honor your word and the agreement for you did not pay her back. Second mistake.

 

 

Your third mistake will be that you do not send her the check along with an apology note in the mail today.

[beatcuff]

Just keep it to the situation.

 

OP simple request --- reread the posts and let us know how many have sided with you... hint: NONE.

 

your take --- we are all wrong.

 

my take --- not sure what you are looking for as you already have it, you are right and the world is wrong.