Would most men hit for only bad words being said?

[dragon_fly_7]

Let's say there is an argument, there is an exchanged of words and both are so close in like a screaming match... is that all it would take a bf to hit? Words?

 

Now I'm not the type to say mean stuff but I would still expect the man knows better than to revert to aggression (I think self-control is a trait he needs to not forget). I guess many men lack self-control lately in this generation. Needlessly to say, I still stand my ground that if a bf ever hits me even once, not only will I press charges but literally he would be a POS in my eyes. He losses my trust immediately. I mean, how would I then ever feel safe if the very bf who claims to love me already put fear in me and basically demonstrated that he's capable of hurting me??

 

This is in regards to this:

My boyfriend just slapped me should I call the police on him? - GirlsAskGuys

 

I was shocked that certain people were still trying to get the girl to reason with him and give him a second chance if it was his first time and he's sorry and a male poster even said it was deserved.

Edited April 26, 2015 by dragon_fly_7

[Els]

It's never excusable to escalate to physical violence, and I would hope that anyone on the receiving end of it would leave.

 

I've been with my SO for several years - like most long term couples, we've had a couple of bad arguments. Obviously we were both still wrong in those cases - we had to learn how to communicate effectively instead of aggressively in conflict situations (and we did learn). But there was still never any physical violence towards each other, no matter how bad the argument got. If there had been, I wouldn't have stayed and tried to make it work.

 

That forum seems to be full of immature boys who are unaware that real men do not hit women except in absolute self-defense (like if she charged at him with a knife).

[Taramere]

A couple of the people answering seemed to take a responsible approach, but on the whole the advice she was given seemed to be treated more as an excuse for posters there to vent their own personal issues than to pay any kind of serious attention to the welfare and safety of the poster. Some of them were going on about "emotional and verbal abuse" on her part. Well, if a person genuinely feels emotionally and verbally abused by their partner then ending that relationship is the best course of action. Slapping them around is not an acceptable response.

 

However, to look at it from the other side for a moment (and I'm stressing here that I in no way believe violence is an acceptable response), some people have more of a block about saying something abusive than they do about getting physically aggressive. They'll see how emotional or verbal abuse can psychologically scar, but they won't necessarily recognise that even relatively low key physical violence can also have long term effects (with regard to making people jumpy, anxious, extremely reluctant to get physically intimate with the person who has been violent to them etc). So they'll dismiss something like a slap as not being a big deal, and a "deserved" response to emotional abuse. And if they've been brought up in a household where that's the prevailing view then it might be pretty difficult to shift them away from thinking that a bit of violence is sometimes in order.

 

I think it's important to be realistic and remember that just because the responsible, respectable line is "violence is wrong" - that's not always the message people are getting behind closed doors...from the people they trust and love. In a highly charged situation, with one person screaming in another person's face I think everybody knows that basic instincts are likely to start kicking in, and that violence is quite a likely outcome.

 

"You deserved to be slapped" is a stupid response, because it implies that violence is an acceptable way of dealing with couple conflict. I don't think "in that highly charged situation, things were likely to become violent" is such an irresponsible response though. It's realistic. If somebody were up in my face screaming at me and I didn't feel able to physically remove myself from the situation (eg because they had cornered me) - I wouldn't slap them, but I would push them away from me with a fair bit of energy and tell them "do not scream in my face."

 

Screaming in somebody's face is something I would potentially class as an assault...and I think that's a view that would find support in quite a few jurisdictions, due to the physically threatening nature of getting up close to somebody in an aggressive and out of control (screaming) manner. Pushing the person away from you in that situation is, I think, a fair defensive gesture - so long as you don't overdo it and knock them to the ground. I would expect a guy to do the same thing (push the screamer away), whether the person screaming in his face were male or female. These two people lost their tempers and they both behaved badly as a result. It actually does sound as though both of them recognised the fault in their behaviour...but the question is whether that recognition would lead to them taking effective steps to manage themselves better in conflict situations.

 

I do agree that she should end the relationship. She was physically threatening by screaming in his face - and he responded to that threat with violence rather than a defensive gesture of pushing her away and telling her to stop screaming. Once that boundary against physical violence has been breached, I think it changes a relationship in ways that may be irreversible. I would certainly walk and never look back if a guy hit me....but I think if the slap had been preceded by me screaming in his face, I'd be doing a lot of soul searching with regard to my own behaviour.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Taramere

[dragon_fly_7]

That forum seems to be full of immature boys who are unaware that real men do not hit women except in absolute self-defense (like if she charged at him with a knife).

Yes, it's sad to see there are very few gentlemen in this generation. That's making me lose some hope every time I read posts from those guys.

[Taramere]

Yes, it's sad to see there are very few gentlemen in this generation. That's making me lose some hope every time I read posts from those guys.

 

To be fair, the way others treat us is often reflective of the way we treat them. I mean absolutely, there are some men out there who have a low opinion of women and are probably just living in hope of any old excuse to dish out a slap.

 

However, screaming in somebody's face is far from ladylike behaviour. It's aggressive, unpleasant and abusive. Personally I don't believe there's all that much difference between screaming in somebody's face and slapping them. Both are likely to create high levels of stress and anxiety in the person subjected to them. Both behaviours fall far short of the standard you'd expect from reasonable, civilised adults.

 

It's a double standard to skim over a woman screaming in somebody's face with little or no critical comment...and to then complain about men being ungentlemanly. I think the ones who say "she deserved to be slapped" are showing their abusive streaks...but it would be fair comment to say they both conducted themselves in an abusive and pretty trashy manner.

 

If the girl in the thread you linked wants a gentleman, then she needs to be a lady. Here's what she says:

 

In the end my boyfriend said something really mean and untrue about my sister I got as close as I could to his face and yelled "Shut the **** up! You are the worst ****ing boyfriend that I have ever had!" I know I shouldn't have said that, and Im pretty sure he would have never said that to me. I know this really hurt him. But still what he did in response was completely uncalled for.

 

She does make some acknowledgement that her behaviour was hurtful, but it's fairly obvious from the way she comments that she doesn't see it as being anything like as abusive as slapping somebody would be.

 

Have you experienced both things? Being slapped, and having somebody screaming abuse in your face? I have to say, I've experienced both (though thankfully a long time ago now) and though neither are pleasant experiences I found having a person screaming in my face worse in terms of creating high anxiety and stress.

 

Being slapped is humiliating and it stings, and as an adult I would not retain somebody who treated me like that in my life...but I wouldn't say it creates the same sense of "oh my God, this person is losing it and this could get really bad" fear that somebody inches from your face and screaming at you does.

 

If the only response that girl got involved people saying "OMG, I'm not saying what you did was right - but he was completely out of order in slapping you" then that really doesn't do much in terms of making her face up to her own abusive behaviour....as opposed to simply seeing herself as the victim here. This was a drama she helped to create, in which she played both persecutor and victim.

 

It's not good enough to retreat into "men should be gentlemen" thinking after such unfortunate events. Men should be adults. So should women. Both words (men and women) imply adulthood with the self discipline and sense of responsibility that involves.

[carhill]

Taking gender out of it:

 

" In the end [the person] said something really mean and untrue about my sister I got as close as I could to his face and yelled "Shut the **** up! You are the worst ****ing [person] that I have ever [seen]!""

 

If that had been a guy in my neighborhood, a blood bath would have ensued.

 

Also, we seem to give women a pass on abusive behaviors towards men because they're 'weaker'. I can tell you from personal experience getting kicked in the balls and slapped in the face when I was caregiving for a psychotic person (my mother) that indeed a woman striking with full force can do some pretty good damage, and that paritcular one was in her 80's. No, I didn't hit her back; she was mentally ill.

 

My perspective is, you run your mouth you take your chances, man or woman.

 

If diplomacy were the only path in life, we'd have no wars. Sometimes physical violence is necessary and so is death. Sometimes.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I've never hit a girl in anger & never would. Other then a legit self defense situation, there is not an acceptable reason to do so. Spanking & BDSM is another subject of course.

[Arieswoman]

My perspective is, you run your mouth you take your chances, man or woman.

 

Spot-on Carhill.

 

Let's not forget that in these situations everyone, male or female, is responsible for then own behaviour.

 

When we get angry we have a choice. We can stay and fight/argue or we can walk away.

 

Those of us with maturity, walk away.

[carhill]

I recall, in the heat of divorce, some unkind words being hurled at me and I went outside and took my anger out on the lawnmower TBH, I don't think I've ever experienced an 'argument' like that described in the article with any girlfriend, though my exW and I may have come closer, especially while I was caregiving. Still, no f-bombs were hurled that I can recall by either of us. Personally, I despise having had to learn to use violence and deadly force to defend myself but such is the way of human existence and, yup, women can be violent and deadly, sorry to say. De-escalation simply isn't in the vocabulary of some, gender notwithstanding.

[autumnnight]

this guy shouldnt have hit her, but lets get real. She was verbally abusive. NO ONE was right in that scenario.

[jay1983]

It's not socially acceptable to lay hands on a women. Actually it's closer to a sin to do so. A lot of women take advantage of this. My ex wouldn't hesitate to pop me, knowing I wouldn't hit her back.

[dragon_fly_7]

It's not socially acceptable to lay hands on a women. Actually it's closer to a sin to do so. A lot of women take advantage of this. My ex wouldn't hesitate to pop me, knowing I wouldn't hit her back.

Would be cool if more men were like you. Actually my ex bf was like that too but I treated him good in return. Unlike those women, I wouldn't take advantage of that...actually it would make me respect him to know he has values. But good to hear she's your ex gf now, dumping her is the right answer. Edited April 27, 2015 by dragon_fly_7

[jay1983]

Would be cool if more men were like you. Actually my ex bf was like that too but I treated him good in return. Unlike those women, I wouldn't take advantage of that...actually it would make me respect him to know he has values. But good to hear she's your ex gf now, dumping her is the right answer.

 

Believe it or not, she dumped me.

[carhill]

Some people are socialized to experience love through violence. A man who is non-violent is weak and unloving. Happens! I see it as incompatible and, yup, have run into women who've told me just that. Wimp. Great word.

[loveweary11]

No one in any instance in any way should ever hit someone else. Sex of the aggressor doesn't matter at all.

 

I do not tolerate any form of physical violence in a relationship and I think everyone I've been with has figured that out very quickly, even if they were the violent type.

 

PS: Anyone hits me, they get hit back with equal force. It's never happened though. I'd also dump them immediately.

Edited April 27, 2015 by loveweary11