The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[Shining One]

These things really are only a concern for people who date often and indiscriminately.

I actually used to spend more when I was dating "less discriminately". I would focus on one woman at a time and try to arrange great dates, which often translated to expensive. I would end up spending a lot on one woman only to have her end things with an offer of friendship.

 

In recent years, I go on cheaper dates with multiple women. I drop women who don't contribute early and keep seeing the ones that do. Overall, I end up spending less this way.

[katiegrl]

In recent years, I go on cheaper dates with multiple women. I drop women who don't contribute early and keep seeing the ones that do.

 

That's probably best since you don't feel the same away about courtship.

 

I say whatever works for you (and your dates) you should continue doing.

[salparadise]

Because I don't want him spending his money on me if I am not interested.

 

If I am interested, then him paying makes me feel the way I explained in all my previous posts... which ends up being a win-win for both of us!

 

Which again was explained in my previous posts.

 

It works well for me and the men I date.

 

If it doesn't work for you and you and your dates prefer to split, that's fine too... no skin off my nose. lol

 

I should just stop reading these threads. It will be another generation or two before the archaic, nineteenth-century, care-taking, ownership mentality is extinguished.

 

I'm just so happy to be in a great relationship with a real 21st century woman who understands the hypocrisy, irony and the reality that women really can't have it both ways.

 

My brother was in town a few weeks ago with his [newish] wife and we went out to dinner with them twice. Both times my brother and I picked up the checks. She asked me about it afterward. Said she didn't want to take a chance on embarrassing me since my brother and his wife are more traditional. I told her I knew exactly and appreciated it. She just smiled and said, so the next couple are on me, ok? It's amazing how aligned we are on most things like this, and how insightful and considerate she is.

[katiegrl]

I should just stop reading these threads. It will be another generation or two before the archaic, nineteenth-century, care-taking, ownership mentality is extinguished.

 

I'm just so happy to be in a great relationship with a real 21st century woman who understands the hypocrisy, irony and the reality that women really can't have it both ways.

 

My brother was in town a few weeks ago with his [newish] wife and we went out to dinner with them twice. Both times my brother and I picked up the checks. She asked me about it afterward. Said she didn't want to take a chance on embarrassing me since my brother and his wife are more traditional. I told her I knew exactly and appreciated it. She just smiled and said, so the next couple are on me, ok? It's amazing how aligned we are on most things like this, and how insightful and considerate she is.

 

sal, I am talking about the first few dates here... NOT the entire RL.

 

Shining One knows this about me.... after the first few dates, it's 50/50. I pay sometimes, he pays sometimes.

 

I also initiate much of the time.

[Shining One]

Here's how I look at it: If a woman's feelings for me are contingent on me inserting money as if she's some coin-operated ride, then there really is no long-term potential. I can only see her as a fling at best.

[katiegrl]

Here's how I look at it: If a woman's feelings for me are contingent on me inserting money as if she's some coin-operated ride, then there really is no long-term potential. I can only see her as a fling at best.

 

And that's fine! We cannot help how we feel... our feelings just "are."

 

Based on upbringing and a whole slew of other things.

 

Whatever works for you.

 

You and I would probably never date.... LOL, which is okay too!

 

There is no sense in attempting to insult anyone here just because he/she feels differently from you.

[No_Go]

We cannot help how we feel... our feelings just "are." - I disagre here - we are not 'victims'/'dependants' on our feelings, we can change them with applying appropriate logic/rationale. I think Shining was giving te example to show that regardless of the misogynistic (Indian?) traditions he was raised into he made another choice.

 

I've personally experienced a lot of that coming from the Balkans - some social behaviors (that I was raised with) would be considered rude to unacceptable in the US or Western Europe (e.g. very boisterous over the top behavior in friendly settings) - I had to make a choice to 'integrate' by reevaluating what is acceptable and what is not, or get stuck only with people that accept my values (like people coming from the same part of the world).

 

There is not wrong or right choice - I'm just saying the values and traditions shouldn't be treated as a constant since they can be re-evaluated/re-considered depending on the situation and context.

 

And not to be too off-topic: say for dating costs, I could never figure it out. I've been making substantially more than most of the men that I've dated - would it be appropriate to let them 'court' me with spending their already limited cash supplies? I'd hate people to speculate with me, but usually there is a way to compensate (e.g. in my case the guys that were disadvantaged financially would cook for me instead of taking me out).

 

 

And that's fine! We cannot help how we feel... our feelings just "are."

 

Based on upbringing and a whole slew of other things.

 

Whatever works for you.

 

You and I would probably never date.... LOL, which is okay too!

 

There is no sense in attempting to insult anyone here just because he/she feels differently from you.

[PrettyEmily77]

I actually used to spend more when I was dating "less discriminately". I would focus on one woman at a time and try to arrange great dates, which often translated to expensive. I would end up spending a lot on one woman only to have her end things with an offer of friendship.

 

In recent years, I go on cheaper dates with multiple women. I drop women who don't contribute early and keep seeing the ones that do. Overall, I end up spending less this way.

 

Ok.

 

I'm self-sufficient so contribute financially as a matter of course (makes sense to me) but wouldn't want a guy for whom this matters so much. It just seems too much like a business transaction.

 

I don't want a guy with a calculator in his head when the bill comes, and who keeps a tally of who does what and when.

 

Go on fewer dates, pay less often. Not less. Quality over quantity every time.

[Shining One]

I don't want a guy with a calculator in his head when the bill comes, and who keeps a tally of who does what and when.

Speaking for myself, I don't go that far. Generally, I handle the dating costs for one evening and she handles the costs for the next. I make considerably more than my girlfriend, so my "dinner and a movie" nights are in the $200 range and her "dinner and a movie" nights are in the $50 range. I consider that reasonable.

[PrettyEmily77]

Speaking for myself, I don't go that far. Generally, I handle the dating costs for one evening and she handles the costs for the next. I make considerably more than my girlfriend, so my "dinner and a movie" nights are in the $200 range and her "dinner and a movie" nights are in the $50 range. I consider that reasonable.

 

It does. That it is such an issue is mind boggling, however.

 

For me, I don't keep a score sheet and mental note of who spends what in a R and like things to flow naturally without worrying about who does what and when.

[Shining One]

It does. That it is such an issue is mind boggling, however.

It becomes an issue over time with a lot of bad experiences. Many years ago, I spent around $5,000 in one year on dates with women who had no interest in me. It was the wakeup call for me.

[PrettyEmily77]

It becomes an issue over time with a lot of bad experiences. Many years ago, I spent around $5,000 in one year on dates with women who had no interest in me. It was the wakeup call for me.

 

That's an error of judgement on your part though, not necessarily proof that women are gold diggers.

[Shining One]

That's an error of judgement on your part though, not necessarily proof that women are gold diggers.

At no point did I say "all women are gold diggers". I fully agree that it was bad judgment on my part and I have made changes accordingly. Now, I only pursue relationships with women who contribute. 100% of the women I have dated that contribute on Date 2 continue to contribute past Date 10.

[deep_night]

i always look for opportunities to make my boyfriend feel loved and cared for

when he makes effort to come and see me (=money, cos we live far), i treat him... and he does the same

 

the most important thing for me is that both of us feel supported and appreciated

[PrettyEmily77]

At no point did I say "all women are gold diggers". I fully agree that it was bad judgment on my part and I have made changes accordingly. Now, I only pursue relationships with women who contribute. 100% of the women I have dated that contribute on Date 2 continue to contribute past Date 10.

 

Whatever works for you, man. We all have our priorities, I guess...

[William]

Main polling re-opened. If you've already voted, you've already voted. Only one vote per member. Thanks for your responses!

[Shining One]

It is often said on these forums that people are on their best behavior during early dates. These early dates are usually a preview of what a relationship with that person would be like. If someone gives the impression that they are a "taker" early on, is it not logical to assume they would continue to be a "taker" as the relationship develops?

[Leigh 87]

I used to always pay everything and refuse to split (unless she was insistent, which is unusual)

However I'm changing my policy, for a few reasons.

If a guy is reasonably successful with attracting women, he will be going on a lot of dates. If he lives somewhere like Melbourne, even a few drinks can easily top $100. If your talking nice restaurants, well it can skyrocket.

Paying for all that on, say, 3 dates a week takes a serious chunk out of disposable income. I have long term plans and don't want to flitter away my hard earned cash trying to impress someone I've just met. They should be trying to impress me just as much. If they are only impressed because of my willingness to pay, then they are probably the wrong type of woman for me anyway.

 

A lot of people here are talking about what they are doing in relationships. This is about dating.

 

 

I always suggest drinks only initially as I got sick of men treating me to first dates when I didn't actually feel into them. It felt wrong and inmoral even!

 

I always shout the man rounds of drinks for the first few dates until it has been well established that we are an item.

 

Then I only date men who prefer to treat me to date related activities. Because I just strongly prefer it. I am super generous and in turn, I need to be spoilt too.

[Leigh 87]

Most guys aren't going on dates with a mental calculator, adding up everything we spend. Spending money becomes an issue when someone makes it an issue. For example, I am a bit of a generous guy. When I am dating a girl, I fully expect to pay for most of all dates. I also pick her up little gifts and things from time to time. However, if I start to feel for an instant that I am being taken advantage of, I am out. If a woman starts acting entitled to my money, or if I feel like she is constantly taking, but never offering anything, I am out. A lot of guys have no problem paying for dates, but around date 3 or 4, if the woman is always in the bathroom when the check comes, or she somehow makes it obvious she has no intention of helping with the bill, or if she never does anything in return for all these free dates, some guys get sick of it. And they very well should.

 

My bf is exactly the same.

 

He prefers to treat me but is really put of by women who come to expect it.

 

I always thank him and I just make it really obvious that I am impressed.

 

I tell him that him treating me makes me feel special lol. The smile on my face and extra attention..ahem I give, definately makes him feel appreciated.

 

His mum was a shameless gold digger and he maxd it knimown that while he was naturally very generous- he would never be taken advantage iof the way in which the poor guys his mother used, were taken for granted and used.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Actually, guys don't have to spend a lot on dates that go nowhere especially if they are doing OLD. You go out for one drink to see if there is chemistry. Save the dinner and real spending for later on when the mutual interest is established.

 

This baloney that men have to spend so much on dates is a choice. So choose wisely. If you meet for a casual drink, a lot of women are decent enough to pay their own way if there is no romantic interest. But if there is you can do a first meet for under $20.

 

First dates with someone you have never met in person before should never be something elaborate or pricey, that's just foolish.

[Leigh 87]

Actually, guys don't have to spend a lot on dates that go nowhere especially if they are doing OLD. You go out for one drink to see if there is chemistry. Save the dinner and real spending for later on when the mutual interest is established.

 

This baloney that men have to spend so much on dates is a choice. So choose wisely. If you meet for a casual drink, a lot of women are decent enough to pay their own way if there is no romantic interest. But if there is you can do a first meet for under $20.

 

First dates with someone you have never met in person before should never be something elaborate or pricey, that's just foolish.

 

God I hated online for that reasin. I just felt super uncomfortable when men insisted on treating me to dinner as a first date.

 

I felt crappy if I didn't feel a spark. I don t enjoy strangers tbrowing their hard earned money at me. I feel I owe them.

[katiegrl]

It is often said on these forums that people are on their best behavior during early dates. These early dates are usually a preview of what a relationship with that person would be like. If someone gives the impression that they are a "taker" early on, is it not logical to assume they would continue to be a "taker" as the relationship develops?

 

First off that is not true as we are talking about early courtship.

 

Second, assuming it's true, then turning it around, it is safe to presume that if a man insists on her splitting or paying on a second date, that he will lack generosity throughout their relationship?

 

I am a very generous person in my relationships ... emotionally and financially (gifts, treating etc) and prefer men who are the same.

 

You cannot judge what takes place during the courtship (first few dates) as any sort of indication or test of what the future will be like, otherwise he will deem her a "taker" and she will deem him "cheap".

 

Just go out with girls who are on the same page as you and stop making baseless assumptions about people (women) who feel differently from you.

[Shining One]

First off that is not true as we are talking about early courtship.

 

Second, assuming it's true, then turning it around, it is safe to presume that if a man insists on her splitting or paying on a second date, that he will lack generosity throughout their relationship?

 

I am a very generous person in my relationships ... emotionally and financially (gifts, treating etc) and prefer men who are the same.

 

You cannot judge what takes place during the courtship (first few dates) as any sort of indication or test of what the future will be like, otherwise he will deem her a "taker" and she will deem him "cheap".

 

Just go out with girls who are on the same page as you and stop making baseless assumptions about people (women) who feel differently from you.

Stop taking things personally. This wasn't directed at you. It's a legitimate question. How is a man supposed to know early on if a woman is a taker or if she intends to be generous later on? As a man who has dated a disproportionate amount of takers, I would love to know.

 

A woman who is generous early is (in my experience) generous later. A woman who is not generous early (again, in my experience) is usually not generous later.

[PrettyEmily77]

It is often said on these forums that people are on their best behavior during early dates. These early dates are usually a preview of what a relationship with that person would be like. If someone gives the impression that they are a "taker" early on, is it not logical to assume they would continue to be a "taker" as the relationship develops?

 

No.

 

Plus I'd rather be a giver myself (yes, as a woman) than constantly obsess over money. A guy assessing people as 'givers' or 'takers' over material stuff as a priority, is definitely not the kind of person I want to be in a R with. Most everything else is more important (to me). Money comes and goes; generosity of spirit doesn't.

[Shining One]

Plus I'd rather be a giver myself (yes, as a woman) than constantly obsess over money. A guy assessing people as 'givers' or 'takers' over material stuff as a priority, is definitely not the kind of person I want to be in a R with. Most everything else is more important (to me). Money comes and goes; generosity of spirit doesn't.

Is this just theory, or have you actually put this into practice? How many relationships have you had in which you handled all of the early dating costs?

 

To be clear, I'm only using money as an example of reciprocation. If I treat a woman out on Date 1 and she cooks me dinner on Date 2, that's perfectly fine. I want someone with generosity of spirit too, so why is it odd for me to make that a priority?