Character Flaw in WS?

[velvette]

The triumvirate of characteristics according to psychologists is low self-esteem, which leads to poor communication skills (about THEIR NEEDS) and conflict-avoidance.

 

Often, these characteristics start in early childhood, way before a marriage partner is chosen.

 

Because they are so unsure what their needs are, or how to express them ( Intimacy issues) they often feel VERY entitled to any positive attention that comes their way....

 

Which leads to a void no one partner is enough to fill and results in poor, poor, boundaries with the opposite sex and sometimes the same sex where they become highly competitive for the attentions of the opposite sex.

 

 

For me, this nails it and you pretty much see this triumvirate of issues running through the threads of almost all the stories told here.

 

 

Offshoots of these big three usually include passive aggressiveness and or overt aggression and problems with anger management, impulsiveness, and an inability to tolerate frustration when things don't go their way.

 

 

I don't think of this as a character flaw per se, but dysfunctional behavior. Its usually learned behavior in response to things you mentioned as well as sometimes traumatic events.

 

 

We all have this.... negative sides to our character/behavior. Its a matter of degree, how self aware we are or are not, and what we do or don't do to refrain from dysfunctional behavior or learn better behavior. Also, how much the behavior is negatively impacting our lives and the lives of others.

[autumnnight]

So how do those of you who subscribe to the cheating character flaw since childhood idea view a person who cheated, say, a decade ago, and worked hard, did therapy, had true remorse, worked to rebuild trust, and changed from the inside out?

 

Are they still that "flawed" and therefore less than and dangerous person, or can they be defined today by something other than their A?

 

In other words, do you believe once a cheater always a cheater because they came forth fundamentally damaged?

 

If a person withheld sex or had angry outbursts at their spouse for years and the changed, would they forever be the frigid spouse or the angry spouse, or could they eventually be defined another way?

[gettingstronger]

Still flawed for sure, but you are making the jump from flawed to dangerous. I'm not sure why that is. My husband considers himself less than what he could have been had he made different choices. I agree with him. I don't know anyone that has 100 percent lived up to their true potential. This is a thread on character flaws and cheating. A few are acting like its a thread saying cheaters are the only ones with flaws and freaking out. I can admit my husband has the flaw this thread is about without having to quantify it too much. I have flaws too but they are not the topic of this thread. KWIM?

[velvette]

So how do those of you who subscribe to the cheating character flaw since childhood idea view a person who cheated, say, a decade ago, and worked hard, did therapy, had true remorse, worked to rebuild trust, and changed from the inside out?

 

Are they still that "flawed" and therefore less than and dangerous person, or can they be defined today by something other than their A?

 

In other words, do you believe once a cheater always a cheater because they came forth fundamentally damaged?

 

If a person withheld sex or had angry outbursts at their spouse for years and the changed, would they forever be the frigid spouse or the angry spouse, or could they eventually be defined another way?

 

 

I rarely define someone by one aspect of their personality.

 

 

However, I am aware that for most people, their negative traits come out when they are under stress. Its kind of like a physical wound that always aches when the weather is bad.

 

 

The stuff that's hard wired into your psyche in childhood or because of traumatic events never really goes away imo.

 

 

I don't think that means a cheater will always be a cheater, but I do think it means they have to be much more self aware to avoid using cheating as a coping mechanism. Some people will be more successful than others...some will fail.

[velvette]

So how do those of you who subscribe to the cheating character flaw since childhood idea view a person who cheated, say, a decade ago, and worked hard, did therapy, had true remorse, worked to rebuild trust, and changed from the inside out?

 

Are they still that "flawed" and therefore less than and dangerous person, or can they be defined today by something other than their A?

 

In other words, do you believe once a cheater always a cheater because they came forth fundamentally damaged?

 

If a person withheld sex or had angry outbursts at their spouse for years and the changed, would they forever be the frigid spouse or the angry spouse, or could they eventually be defined another way?

 

 

BTW I missed this when I responded to you, but, I don't think of it as a "cheating character flaw". Lots of people have the same basic traits for similar reasons, but they don't cheat.......they act out their dysfunction in other ways....like drinking, drugs, abusing their spouse, etc. Cheating is not the character/personality trait imo......its the poor coping mechanism that manifests because of other dysfunctional behavioral traits.