Author Lovleynight Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 The BBm isn't crazy - yes, he's made her that way. He goes back to her when he's done sampling other women and he drives the other women crazy by saying she's hassling him. So, only his needs get met in this situation. The kids get used as pawns, the BBM isn't getting a good relationship without threats, any OW he has are getting sex and drunken bootycalls like you. All true Maybe the reason it's so hard to quit him is because all the fighting for his attention made it feel like you were winning something for once? I agree with this^ If you ex LDR was an alcoholic and your OM sounds unable to handle his alcohol as well, maybe these are a bad pool of people to be trying to date and that should be the first order of business in IC as to why you choose such wounded and unavailable men to become attached to? Yes I need to change this^ There's a validation there you're looking for and it goes way back throughout your life. That's something you need to work with your IC on. Fix that esteem issue or cluster of issues and you'll have the strength to go NC forever. At 42, you certainly deserve a better shake at love and companionship than this. I don't feel like I have a self esteem issue, I really like me! I think the problem is more about people-pleasing and a need to be needed by others. I think it's rooted in my abandonment issues from my mom dying when I was so young. Still, I need to correct those issues. Thanks so much for your insight and advice, it's very helpful! Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 (edited) I don't feel like I have a self esteem issue, I really like me! I think the problem is more about people-pleasing and a need to be needed by others. I think it's rooted in my abandonment issues from my mom dying when I was so young. Still, I need to correct those issues. Thanks so much for your insight and advice, it's very helpful! You may want to look up "Codependent" because these are classic symptoms - childhood abandonment, people-pleasing, needed to be needed, and falling for "Love Avoidant" types (or addicts). Even though you like yourself (which is great and important), sometimes there can be a sneeky sense of not feeling worthy of things, which ultimately is a self-esteem thing. I think the CODA (Codependents Anonymous) 12 Step Program is fantastic for helping fix things in yourself so you can find the relationship you deserve! Edited April 30, 2015 by starglider 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovleynight Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 I made the mistake of looking at BBM's Facebook page today, I haven't done that in weeks. Of course she has a pic of him and the kids as her cover photo. She hasn't posted a pic of him in months. Of course I knew when I stopped seeing him it would push them closer, or at least make him more available to her since he doesn't have to make time to see me anymore. Just hurts seeing the proof of that, though. And this is why not looking at FB is part of NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovleynight Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 I hadn't seen him in 2 months, although I struggled with NC meaning I kept blocking and unblocking him. I just couldn't get past wanting to know if he was trying to get in touch with me or not. I wasn't contacting him, but he kept reaching out to me and I would respond saying that I couldn't see him. Shouldn't have been responding at all, but justified it to myself that I just didn't want things to end on a bad note, impossible of course. Here's the worst part, in a super impulsive move last week I took his call like everything was back to normal and hung out like nothing had ever happened and slept with him again. Then didn't hear anything for a week, so yesterday I checked his girlfriend/BBM FB page and noticed that she changed her relationship status to single, which was a total surprise since the last time I checked it she had new pictures of him on there with the kids. I then foolishly sent a him a benign message last night and got absolutely no response which made me so angry I went home and wrote 10 pages about how much I hate him just to get the anger out. Today I feel worthless, and I don't know why I can't get it through my head that he is just a fundamentally f'ed up individual, and there's no way to end this relationship on anything but a bad note. Now I'm back to ground zero Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Now I'm back to ground zero Look at it like this. The only way is up! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovleynight Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 Thanks SandyLee, I'm trying to look at it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Don't be too hard on yourself.... You let your walls down and he took advantage, but now you can build them back up stronger and higher!! Learn from this... I've made mustakes too but I'm on 4 weeks with him blocked! And believe me sometimes I want to check but just thinking about it makes me anxious! Forgive yourself and move on!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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