Homewrecking, or "Moving in on one's territory."

[E-Squared]

Do some people actually condone this? Here is what I mean: In the past, I remember friends of mine noticing me talking to some girl, and she was a female friend, mostly on the platonic level. They asked me who she was and asked if I was trying to holler at her. I told them that she had a boyfriend, which she did at the time. One of them said "That is just one obstacle you have to go through." Another friend said that just because a girl has a boyfriend that I should not let it stop me.

 

I even remember having a crush on a female coworker and finding out she had a boyfriend. Of course that didn't stop me from being friendly with her, but I ceased to consider trying to score points with her. However, a female coworker told me that usually that would be up to the woman to leave the man for someone else, but then I said that it can open a can of worms, like feeling the wrath of a jealous ex.

 

What do you think?

[Gloria25]

IMO, people are technically "single" until they say "I do" in front of a priest...

 

This is sort of the "illegal" vs "immoral" argument...

 

Someone with a bf/gf is technically not in a committed RL (thus, not illegal)...But yea, to make a move on someone in a RL - committed or not - is douchey (immoral).

 

I don't condone messing with people in RLs, cuz when I approach someone in a RL, more than likely I'm not trying to steal and/or "take" them away...I just wanna "borrow" them.

 

Besides, if someone in a RL takes the bait of someone else hitting on them while they are in a RL - either they are/were not happy/not getting their needs met in the RL or are dogs...either way, them stepping out on the RL is a sympthom of bigger/underlying issues in a RL that probably should have ended on its own...

[carhill]

IMO, stick to one's own boundaries and accept that other people may not have similar boundaries.

 

In our competitive world, there are few to no rewards for second place. Each person decides for themselves which competitions they engage to win and which they let go of.

 

A generation or two ago I had some very rigid boundaries in this area and spent a lot of time on the bench because of them while watching the first stringers bend the rules and score the touchdowns.

 

The more experience I gained, the more clearly I came to see that a home can't be wrecked unless the owner/co-owner runs the demolition job themselves. It's impossible to do without their cooperation. A flaming bag of poop on the doorstep does not a wrecked home make.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

IMO, stick to one's own boundaries and accept that other people may not have similar boundaries.

 

In our competitive world, there are few to no rewards for second place. Each person decides for themselves which competitions they engage to win and which they let go of.

 

A generation or two ago I had some very rigid boundaries in this area and spent a lot of time on the bench because of them while watching the first stringers bend the rules and score the touchdowns.

 

The more experience I gained, the more clearly I came to see that a home can't be wrecked unless the owner/co-owner runs the demolition job themselves. It's impossible to do without their cooperation. A flaming bag of poop on the doorstep does not a wrecked home make.

 

Going off this line of thought, it's up to you to make the right move,

Boyfriends aren't obstacles unless you think you've got a point to prove,

Besides, any woman who gets lead astray so easily from a relationship as such,

Doesn't seem like they would be good in a relationship very much.

 

Why even label yourself in a relationship if it has no meaning I ask?

Why not keep it simple and say you're dating instead of giving it a mask?

What's the point of declaring a relationship if it's so easy to change your mind,

Seems like that's why multi-dating and noncommittal arrangements have such a fine line.

[E-Squared]

I just don't understand why some people would think that a boyfriend shouldn't be an issue. I remember some guy trying to make a reference to that old early-1990s rap song called "I Got a Man" from Positive K. I get that there are women who are unhappy in relationships and will meet a man whom she may like better, but still.

 

I also don't agree with leaving someone, only to start dating the other guy shortly after dumping the previous guy.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I rubbed another man's rhubarb once a long time ago. I got a painful lesson in Karma the next day that I still remember & because death is permanent, still haunts me.

 

 

My rule is I don't play with anyone who is involved.

 

 

As a judgmental moral call, I'd say that no one should mess around with someone who is married or if kids are involved.

 

 

I'd say it's an individual moral question.

[E-Squared]

I rubbed another man's rhubarb once a long time ago. I got a painful lesson in Karma the next day that I still remember & because death is permanent, still haunts me.

 

 

My rule is I don't play with anyone who is involved.

 

 

As a judgmental moral call, I'd say that no one should mess around with someone who is married or if kids are involved.

 

 

I'd say it's an individual moral question.

Man, I LOVED that line from the 1989 Batman movie.

 

Back on topic, I don't know why some people think it would be a good idea to try to go after women or men who are involved. I wouldn't go after someone who is married, that's for sure.

[Ninjainpajamas]

IMO, stick to one's own boundaries and accept that other people may not have similar boundaries.

 

In our competitive world, there are few to no rewards for second place. Each person decides for themselves which competitions they engage to win and which they let go of.

 

A generation or two ago I had some very rigid boundaries in this area and spent a lot of time on the bench because of them while watching the first stringers bend the rules and score the touchdowns.

 

The more experience I gained, the more clearly I came to see that a home can't be wrecked unless the owner/co-owner runs the demolition job themselves. It's impossible to do without their cooperation. A flaming bag of poop on the doorstep does not a wrecked home make.

 

Yes, the responsibility is far too often placed on the person on the outside than the person who is actually in the relationship.

 

That person in the relationship is the one responsible for upholding the standards and expectations of their conduct for their relationship, any outside influence cannot be blamed for something occurring because of what someone else did, the actions or character of that person...not that you don't have a right to judge and criticize them.

 

While it may not be an attractive and respectable quality, for someone to intentionally try to engage in an already formed relationship, it is all too often that the partnered person had to open the door to that kind of advance and it had nothing to do with the other person in question than what it had to do with that persons behavior and choices in general...that person was merely exploiting something they knew they could have access to if they pushed hard enough.

 

The other person on the outside watches in disbelief as the other exploits the vulnerability they thought wasn't present or in question..but these people see something the other does not.

 

I just don't understand why some people would think that a boyfriend shouldn't be an issue. I remember some guy trying to make a reference to that old early-1990s rap song called "I Got a Man" from Positive K. I get that there are women who are unhappy in relationships and will meet a man whom she may like better, but still.

 

I also don't agree with leaving someone, only to start dating the other guy shortly after dumping the previous guy.

 

What's her man got to do with me? honestly, what does it? it's not my problem...he doesn't know the guy, and if she is showing interest, then that person doesn't have an obligation to care.

 

I think it shows no class or proper social etiquette to openly pursue someone partnered up, but if there's an underlying interest, flirtation that is taking place...both people are putting themselves out there for it, that's their choice at that point.

 

Now within your own values and beliefs, or just how you are a person...for you, that's not something you feel is appropriate or maybe you just find it disgusting. And it's fine to criticize other people and make your judgments, but they're the ones getting what they want out of it, you're just sitting there groaning about it.

 

It's not great when people relationship hop, or leave someone for someone else...or rebound, or date immediately after divorced or coming out of a long term relationship, but people still do...they do all the stuff they "shouldn't" do, and they suffer the consequences for it...but that's the way the world goes round.

 

The only thing stopping people from doing all kinds of crazy crap, is that little voice in their head telling them they shouldn't...and no everyone has the same voice, at the same decibel level or saying the same things to them...and the end of the day, everyone's got need, there are no rules in actuality to getting them, it's just about whether you can or cannot and what you're willing to sacrifice and do to get it.

 

Once you make the decision that it doesn't matter, it's not going to stop you from actually doing it...even if it's something you swore you'd ever do your whole life. People struggle with these ideas and thoughts/feelings their whole lives.

[casey.lives]

in my opinion, i think it makes a difference if they live together or have children together.. but it's true, if you're not married, you're single. i learn't that the hard way.

P.s there is no illegal vs. immoral argument; sadly, you don't go to jail for being a homewrecker. It's always an immoral issue

Edited April 23, 2015 by casey.lives

[2.50 a gallon]

My simple rule is until he puts a ring on her finger and they say "I do" she is still fair game.

When I met my current GF, I just knew that anyone that good looking and nice was sure to have a man in her life. I was right, as I found out she had been living with her current BF for almost 5 years. My buddies said give it up, but I pointed out No ring, No wedding, she was still available and I waited for him to make a mistake. It took two years, when they temporarily separated while he left the state for a six month program to clean up from drugs, we began dating. We have now been together for coming up on 20 years.

[elaine567]

I also don't agree with leaving someone, only to start dating the other guy shortly after dumping the previous guy.

 

Why not?

Dating is about trying to find suitable people. Life is too short to ignore obvious attraction between two essentially single adults.

I do not believe that anyone should deliberately try and mess up, long term serious relationships or relationships where pregnancy or kids are involved, just because they can.

Nor do not think it is moral to cheat behind anyone's back, but if attraction exists and the necessary break up is carried out and is complete, then there is no reason to postpone dating the new partner.

 

"Rebound" relationships happen when one partner is still emotionally attached to an ex, if that attachment is null and void, then there is no rebound effect.

[Jimmyjackson]

I was cheated on and dumped, a guy made an advancement on my ex and she entertained it while with me. Speaking from a guy who has been the sucker in it all I'd say no, it's not a nice thing to do.

 

I also don't think anyone without a ring on their finger is "fair game". You're still in a committed relationship, and some people spend their lives together and don't get married anyway.

[gaius]

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If you're happy with her and she's happier with you, why would you both not indulge that to be respectful to the singular current boyfriend? =/

 

Life is short E and you're wasting it letting other dudes have the women you want.

[Auspecial]

I rubbed another man's rhubarb once a long time ago. I got a painful lesson in Karma the next day that I still remember & because death is permanent, still haunts me.

 

 

My rule is I don't play with anyone who is involved.

 

 

As a judgmental moral call, I'd say that no one should mess around with someone who is married or if kids are involved.

 

 

I'd say it's an individual moral question.

 

I don't think everyone is single until there' a ring on it. Because people can make commitments before marriage and if there is respect, that commitment is not broken lightly.

 

I don't understand going after someone who is "taken," when there are soooooooooo many other fish in the sea. To me, it means that the person trying to "take" has no scruples and is very self-absorbed.

[elaine567]

Besides, if someone in a RL takes the bait of someone else hitting on them while they are in a RL - either they are/were not happy/not getting their needs met in the RL or are dogs...either way, them stepping out on the RL is a symptom of bigger/underlying issues in a RL that probably should have ended on its own...

 

Agreed.

Many will be lured away by the charms of someone else, that is life, and what dating is about.

We like what we like, for as long as we like it.

We weed out those we do not like, and we try to attract those we do like.

 

There is also the age issue, expecting life long commitment from someone aged 18-25 yo is unrealistic, IMO.

Such relationships can turn out to be a long term, leading to marriage kids and the whole works; "in sickness and in death" together. However mostly they don't.

Piling all hopes and dreams into such early life relationships, or having "serious" relationships with those in the 18-25 age group is often asking for trouble and is usually asking to be badly hurt too.

Younger people usually at some point want to go and experience "life" and that usually means experiencing other people too.

[gaius]

I don't think everyone is single until there' a ring on it. Because people can make commitments before marriage and if there is respect, that commitment is not broken lightly.

 

I don't understand going after someone who is "taken," when there are soooooooooo many other fish in the sea. To me, it means that the person trying to "take" has no scruples and is very self-absorbed.

Or maybe there's just one particular fish that's better than all the others, so it's worth trying to catch that one.

[No Limit]

The more experience I gained, the more clearly I came to see that a home can't be wrecked unless the owner/co-owner runs the demolition job themselves. It's impossible to do without their cooperation. A flaming bag of poop on the doorstep does not a wrecked home make.

 

This. You think a woman is forced to open her legs for a guy who throws a few compliments at her? Just like a guy simply has to get the girl into bed that did some aggressive flirting? No, they don't have to. They can shove you aside like the radio commentators nobody really cares about while driving to work - if they want to, that is.

[E-Squared]

I can't say that there aren't any moments when I have liked women who are involved because there definitely were. However, I remember someone once telling me that I could not just break up a relationship just to go for what I want. Again, I am aware of unhappiness in relationships and there may be a chance that I might lure someone away, but don't you think that consequences may occur like feeling the wrath of a jealous ex?

 

Of course, like I said, I'm not blameless in being attracted to women who are involved. I remember getting the number of a woman who is older than me who was going through marital problems and later got divorced. I still have her number and have spoken to her in rather recent memory, like about a month ago. She is still rather vulnerable over the divorce, but at the same time, I'm kind of open to trying to get at her, just not right now.

 

Another one is an older woman who I am friendly with at school. She has a boyfriend, but she isn't that serious with him, at least from what she had told me. She told me that she would have sex with me, and that was more of a comment, not an invitation, but if I was invited, I would take it. So yes, I'm not acting all high and mighty because I have had my moments of attraction to women who are involved with other men.

[No Limit]

but don't you think that consequences may occur like feeling the wrath of a jealous ex?

 

People in relationships who step out of them regularly are bound to bring trouble. Doesn't matter whether the 3rd person involved is aware of it or not.

[E-Squared]

People in relationships who step out of them regularly are bound to bring trouble. Doesn't matter whether the 3rd person involved is aware of it or not.

Like for example, maybe a jealous ex who then starts stalking.

[E-Squared]

Okay, has anybody on here ever actually "stolen" another man or woman from somebody?

[carhill]

There's one poster who's already outlined their process of acquiring a partner who was involved with someone else. I've had plenty of opportunities and took a few pretty far but my mistake was being too serious with parameters surrounding sex and marriage, rather than simply engaging the requisite emotions and going with the flow. Perhaps, as a young man, my mother's view on women 'stepping out' on their marriages had some play in why I didn't close the deals, IDK. In event, a lot of MW's gone by.

 

The good news out of all those experiences was a better understanding of the transitory potential of every relationship or marriage. It helped end the misguided 'you and me forever' Cleaver socialization I had. Heh...

[autumnnight]

Man, I LOVED that line from the 1989 Batman movie.

 

Back on topic, I don't know why some people think it would be a good idea to try to go after women or men who are involved. I wouldn't go after someone who is married, that's for sure.

 

They justify and celebrate this, saying it is up to the other involved person to keep their partner happy. IE: "If she had been keeping him happy he wouldn't have been interested in me."

 

IMO, this is what trashy people tell themselves to feel better. And yep, that was judgmental, and nope, I'm not sorry.

[UpwardForward]

We're so used to being able to have most anything we want. Or anything of materialism that we can afford to have?

 

On the True Tori show: Dean and Tori met 9 yrs ago.

 

After 8 yrs and now a problem marriage to Dean, Tori arranged a meeting with Dean's ex, Mary Jo.

 

Tori apologized to Mary Jo, only 'for the way it was handled' at the time Dean and Tori met, and while divorcing their spouses.

 

Mary Jo said, Yes I was made to look old and insignificant. When in fact I did everything to make a good marriage and home with Dean and our children.

 

Tori then said, I apologize for the way it was handled after I fell in love with Dean.

 

Mary Jo said, Well I think you should also 'own it'.

 

There was a blank look on Tori's face, as if she didn't even understand. Or that it was all on Dean.

 

The only thing that seemed to phase Tori was the love letter Mary Jo showed Tori, that Dean had written to Mary Jo shortly before Tori and Dean met.

 

What I'm trying to get to, is these cheaters tell the OM/OW how bad things are in the M, that they're not sleeping together - (which IMO is often a lie) so the OM/OW considers themselves as the Rescuer. And lays claim on the one who isn't theirs.

 

Imo, the OM/OW will look for any reasoning i.e. a bad M, etc to rectify what they are doing. And the cheater will lie to get the OM/OW.

 

As a former BS, I also lived it.

[star gaze]

Now, this post is really making me think.

 

In my demographics, most of the women that I can be interested in are taken/attached. So when posters are saying that “if she’s not married, she’s basically approachable” and that some even regret not doing that (while some other guy tried and succeeded), it feels good that I too can have that chance. Lately I actually had some chance.

 

So, if I don’t try to attract involved women, I may have to settle or even worse, be single my whole life.

 

But my ex-fiancee cheated on me after 4 years. And obviously, she was not married. I remember the pain and the devastation (which still haunts me), and to be the cause of the similar pain to some other bloke really nauseates me. Even, way before I was cheated on, I never approached those in relationship; though I have seen people taking perverse pleasure in “stealing” (their words) other’s SO, like it’s some kinda “rite of passage” or “manning up”. This was during my early 20s. So, even if I get the girl, can I respect myself for breaking somebody else’s home, so to speak? Or can I respect and truly love the girl that I can woe away from a stable relationship? No.

 

So this is not an option for me.