pawa Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Hi. My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married next year January. However, there one thing bothering me. My boyfriend does not really like spending time with me. During working days, he would pick me up after work and drop me off at home, and then he took off for the rest of the day. We live together, so he only comes back when he wants to make love, eat and sleep. During weekends we sometimes go to the farm just for few hours, to do some work, when we get back he will drop me at home and then he goes out. He always finds an excuse to take him out of the house no matter what. If we ever go out, it’s only when i suggest it. We don’t do dinners, lunch, or just hangout together anymore. He always prefers to go out alone. If I go out alone even just for a walk he would freak out or get angry and start asking lots of question. I talk to him about this and he said it’s because I don’t seems to enjoy the places where he hangout and vice versa. What worries me is that i don’t really know where he goes, with whom and what he does. Most of the times he would say he is the bars but would someone really spend so much time at bars???? He was recently advice by the doctor not to drink alcohol because of his high blood pressure but he refuse to stop. I am worried about this too, since we planning a future together. He tells me that he loves me every day and that he can wait to get married but how can he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he can’t even spend one hour with me now?? I am concerned. I am afraid that once we get married things would only get worse. I talk to him about this so many times and no change. Maybe someone can give some advice on how to approach this situation for the last time before I give up?
StalwartMind Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 That doesn't "sound" like someone you would want to marry, precisely because of what you said. "He can't even spend one hour" with you now, how does he plan to spend the rest of his life with you? I know reading that isn't what you perhaps would prefer to hear but it's better to take the bull by it's horn early on than let a potential disaster happen anyway. You need to talk to him, there isn't any way around it. If he is unwilling, stubborn or will brush things off or come up with excuses than that is even more reason to consider your relationship. I grant you that there are all types of relationship where people are perfectly "content" with not doing or giving much to their partner. It does sound like this is not the type of relationship you desire. Your concerns are valid and they will not be solved if they are constantly being dodged. There may be multiple ways you can approach this, after all you know this man the best yourself. I know I can't tell other people want to do but "don't waste" your time on someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings and perhaps doesn't even share the same values as greatly as you. It typically always lead to the same end result and you as much as he owe yourselves a life of happiness to the best of your ability. You say that you do talk to him but perhaps you need a final serious talk with him and if nothing changes, then there you most likely have your answer. Most people who don't care more than what they currently show, will repeat their behavior forever as there is no need for them to change. 4
preraph Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 He doesn't want a wife. He wants a free maid and free chef and free sex. Please, please do not marry this guy!! You can do better. You can have love and someone who wants to be with you and wants to do things for you instead of just taking. He's no doubt cheating as well with his attitude. Please don't be naive enough to marry this guy!! My guess is he thinks you're the meek little wife who will live with blinders on and overlook all his shortcomings and cheating. There are plenty of guys who like to have someone like that so they can just keep doing what they're doing and have someone at home keeping their lives in order. This is not a good deal for any woman. 5
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 There are plenty of guys who like to have someone like that so they can just keep doing what they're doing and have someone at home keeping their lives in order. This is not a good deal for any woman.~ Nevermind the guys, I would love that too. Little housekeeper man at home, cooking meals, cleaning and keeping the bed warm, whilst I do what I want. What's not to like? 1
SoleMate Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) It's better to be alone than to be "with" a man like this. You are right, after marriage the neglect will only become more severe. This r/s doesn't make any sense, I recommend you end it immediately unless you want this to be your future. If I go out alone even just for a walk he would freak out or get angry and start asking lots of question. And given that, I recommend you do not indicate in advance that you're leaving, but instead work with a local shelter or very close friends and family for a safe plan, including access to cash, car, clothing, and all your necessities. Edited April 19, 2015 by SoleMate 1
Mrlonelyone Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 First of all... for some perspective. The average married couple in the United Kingdom spends an average of 2.5 hours of non-sleeping time together (Not counting sex). http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/358918-how-much-time-do-normal-married-couples-spend-together So if he spends about an hour a day with you .... that's about average. Welcome to married life. On the other hand. Marriage councilors say that the most happy couples spend 15 hours a week of quality time with undivided attention of their spouse. That means 15 hours of no kids, no tv, time. I think they even exclude sex from that time...they mean talking interacting time. ( Sex can count for some of that I reckon...but they seemed to be talking about more emotional intimacy). Consider this as a marriage goes on people have less passion. Passion does not just mean sex. You want to be around them ALL THE TIME. You react emotionally in a strong way to them and their actions. If you are already in a place of not having any real passion should you get married?
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 His accusations against you is from a guilty mind of a cheater. It's a possibility and would explain why his focus is not on you anymore. 2
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