How much time do "normal" married couples spend together?

[Mae512]

My husband and I have been together for over 20 yrs and married for 11 yrs. We were separated for 2 yrs and are heading in the same direction again.

 

The main issue is that I lose myself in my marriage and it is my own fault. I build my life around my husband and want to spend every possible minute with him. I did it before and I am doing it again and I don't know why. We are seeing a counselor and she is identifying that I have an insecure attachment to my husband. I recognize the patterns and know that I do it, but I have yet to figure out why and how to stop it. I guess I dont't know what a "normal" relationship feels like. To me, if I am not with my husband I feel like I am missing something, that he will find he likes time better without me, that he will find someone better. And needless to say, he is feeling very controlled and suffocated in the meantime. The more I pull him to me, the harder he pushes away.

 

So I would like to know how married couples keep their individuality but yet have a strong loving bonded marriage.

[xxoo]

Do you have kids?

 

A lot of our time together is limited by work and kid responsibilities.

 

We both take a few hours a week to exercise alone, and generally take an hour or so on the weekend to do something "just for me" out of the house. Otherwise, we are together, albeit with kids in tow!

 

True "us" time is usually limited to evenings, after the kids are in bed.

 

What is something you could do--just for you? Do you take time for yourself to work out? Does he?

[carhill]

How did things go while you were separated last time? Time alone, date nights, separate interests, potential other partners, etc, etc. Did you view that period as a healthy one of growth and discovery? Other?

 

Have you and he ever participated in MC? If so, what's your perspective on that process and any lessons/tools learned? If not, would you consider it before separating again?

 

My exW and I spent, on average, about 14-16 hours a day together. She did travel separately, sometimes alone and sometimes with family/girlfriends, but the buik of our travel was together. We shared similar interests so such didn't seem abnormal, to me anyway.

Edited November 25, 2012 by carhill

[Mae512]

We don't have any kids just a couple dogs and cats. We both have full time day jobs. We both go to the gym (not together) and he gets a lot more out of it than I do. He is a very social person and I am not - its just never been easy for me. I recently signed back on with a Photography club in our area - I go, but don't enjoy it all that much. Most of our friends now have children, so they are not available all that often. I try to keep in touch with my girlfriends but they can only get out for an hour or 2 maybe once a month.

 

I suspect some of it is depression on my part, and I think I use him as my drug, as sad as that sounds. I plan on getting to my PCP to get an anti-depressant for a while.

[Mae512]

During our last separation, I actually did quite well. I found stuff to do, I made a point to go out with friends from work. I felt very healthy for the first time in my adult life. That whole process is what brought us back together. And I promised myself that I would never let that happen again... but here I am. Hopefully this time, I will be able to indentify what leads me here. We are going to marriage counseling again, so I am hoping it will help again, this time without the separation though.

 

The main thing that upsets him so much is that I hate it when he finds things to do without me. He likes to watch sports, so he likes to go to the event nights at the bar with his friends. He has taken me with him, but it is obvious to him that I am not having a great time (even though I try) and then he feels guilty if he is having fun. I have even started making the gym miserable for him (certainly not on purpose, its like I can't stop the dysfunction coming from my mouth!). He has people that he talks to at the gym, and I make it seem like he has other interests than me making him feel like he is going something wrong. As I put it - the rational part of my brain is saying - whats the problem?? Let him go to the gym in peace. Its a healthy habit! But then the "damaged" part of my brain crys out that he doesn't like me, thinks that I am fat and gross, thinks that the people he talks to are more interesting than me.

 

I have a vicious cycle going on in my mind...

[carhill]

Thanks for clarifying. While nearly any marital issue is an issue of the marriage, meaning both partners own a portion of it, perhaps you have identified an area of work you can perform solo. Would you be willing to be assessed by a professional? In many cases, people who feel 'depressed' don't need a brain chemistry adjustment at all, rather cognitive tools to process the emotions they view as 'depressive' in a different way.

 

I see potentials in your anecdotes for such differential processing.

 

One potential is accepting your style of bonding/intimacy as your truth and 'spreading it around' to the larger world, of which your spouse is an important and vital part. There is always a 'special place' for him and it's also healthy for other special places to exist, in different ways.

 

Since you've been together for 20 years and survived a two-year separation, to me it sounds like you both want this to continue. The work is figuring out a mutually beneficial path to walk to achieve that goal. Walk it, side by side. It's possible. Good luck.

[Mae512]

Thank you, carhill.

[xxoo]

But then the "damaged" part of my brain crys out that he doesn't like me, thinks that I am fat and gross, thinks that the people he talks to are more interesting than me.

 

Is there anything that he is doing or saying to contribute to these beliefs?

 

What did you do last time to get to a mentally and socially healthy place? Can you start walking the walk, and expect your attitudes to follow? (fake it til you make it)

 

You say you have a hard time resisting the impulse to guilt him. If you can predict the times that is a problem, you can plan a different response. Literally script out some other response for that situation. For example, "ok, have fun. I'm going to spend some time [insert huge treat that you've reserved for only when he goes to the gym]"