Author keylime009 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 Wish me the luck and give me the courage to do this and do it the right way..thank you all 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 - Hmmm, I'm not so sure about that? I've had teachers that have became friends, and have clients that turn into friends (dating a client while they are a client can be a problem though). Gary, stop! You can't possibly be serious. PLEASE tell me you are not defending this guy! Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I am not defending the guy, he's a lier. I was just making conversation. For a person to be a good catch, they must have integrity. Furthermore, the number one reason men cheat is, those men lack integrity (happy now?!). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author keylime009 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) Wish me the luck and give me the courage to do this and do it the right way..thank you all. He doesn't seem to respond to flirty messages buy then again he could delete them before hand. It's put of respect for me and our relationship. She seems to know alot of his personap life. When I asked how she knew, he said oh my co worker, which is a friend of the woman's), told her. Which I knew was BS, because I saw the text that my bf sent her. Edited April 19, 2015 by keylime009 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Wish me the luck and give me the courage to do this and do it the right way..thank you all. He doesn't seem to respond to flirty messages buy then again he could delete them before hand. It's put of respect for me and our relationship. She seems to know alot of his personap life. When I asked how she knew, he said oh my co worker, which is a friend of the woman's), told her. Which I knew was BS, because I saw the text that my bf sent her. What are you planning on doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Do you know what. I think I would gently lay down the law. I would come out with something along the lines of... "Honey I know you two are exchanging texts and I know you are deleting them. Its becoming a real problem because I don't know what you are saying to this girl and she is obviously not taking no for an answer. Its actually affecting my sex drive right now and I would like a bit more honesty so I can start feeling a bit more attached to you again." Then when he is a bit more open and honest bonk his brains out... Its a training technique called "positive reinforcement"... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 He has a double standard and it's OK for him to boost his ego with her. He probably has no intention whatsoever of starting anything with her but at the same time he is not respecting you by letting her think she has an 'in'. Don't message her. Your actual problem is not with her. It's with him replying to her. He can very easily choose not to reply. I would be upfront and totally open about how you know. You were concerned, you checked his phone, you checked his log and it didn't match the texts that were left on his phone so you can see he deleted some. Tell him straight up. Don't say sorry for checking either and don't apologise if he gets angry that you checked. If he doesn't have anything to hide he may be a little upset that you checked but he won't be angry. 'I had a gut instinct so I checked your phone. The log shows more texts than are left on your phone so you clearly deleted some of the texts. If you want to continue texting her then I am leaving now, today.' Is all that you need to say. No more words are required. No shouting nor apologies or defending what you did. Just silence and a bag packed. See what he does and says. If you aren't happy then you walk out bag in hand. ^^The above is what I would do. It's called "teaching people how to treat you." Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 If he's not cheating, he's about to. She is very aggressive and after him. I think you have to give him an ultimatum about this. When is this class over? Is it over in May at the end of the semester? Your ultimatum could be that he never speaks to her again once the class is over. And you should let him know that if he's the kind of guy who wants his devoted woman at home worrying about things every single day, then he is not the man you want to be married to. Because a good guy doesn't allow that to happen. Meanwhile, check and see if she has any outstanding warrants and call and tell the police where she can be served. This is my new favorite thing with scumbags and hobags. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 If he's not cheating, he's about to. She is very aggressive and after him. I think you have to give him an ultimatum about this. When is this class over? Is it over in May at the end of the semester? Your ultimatum could be that he never speaks to her again once the class is over. And you should let him know that if he's the kind of guy who wants his devoted woman at home worrying about things every single day, then he is not the man you want to be married to. Because a good guy doesn't allow that to happen. Ultimatums (threats) don't work. She is not his prison warden, or worse his mother. He is free to do as he wishes, and she is free to not like it and leave, explaining to him why she is leaving...as Gemma suggested earlier..to which I agreed. He is a grown man, let him make up his own mind about what he wants to do. Her leaving and absence will say way more than any ultimatum would. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Meanwhile, check and see if she has any outstanding warrants and call and tell the police where she can be served. This is my new favorite thing with scumbags and hobags. I love you! So funny! I don't think she should get quite so tough just yet. He does need to know that this behavior is having consequences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Ultimatums (threats) don't work. She is not his prison warden, or worse his mother. He is free to do as he wishes, and she is free to not like it and leave, explaining to him why she is leaving...as Gemma suggested earlier..to which I agreed. He is a grown man, let him make up his own mind about what he wants to do. Her leaving and absence will say way more than any ultimatum would. Not much difference between an ultimatum and what emma suggested. Both are saying: Here is what I need to be in a relationship with you - if you don't deliver I am out. In both approaches it's his decision to make, no one can force him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Not much difference between an ultimatum and what emma suggested. Both are saying: Here is what I need to be in a relationship with you - if you don't deliver I am out. In both approaches it's his decision to make, no one can force him. Good point.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keylime009 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 the class was a weekend thing last summer, something he does on a regular or as needed basis. It's something he does on the side..self defense Class. He has a big heart and has a hard time telling people no,. I want to ask him why he is still speaking to her on more than a business only level when I thought I was pretty clear on that when it happened back in the fall. What is the hold or connection she has that he can't stop taking her calls or text. Please respect me and our relationship and stop the communication. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 the class was a weekend thing last summer, something he does on a regular or as needed basis. It's something he does on the side..self defense Class. He has a big heart and has a hard time telling people no,. I want to ask him why he is still speaking to her on more than a business only level when I thought I was pretty clear on that when it happened back in the fall. What is the hold or connection she has that he can't stop taking her calls or text. Please respect me and our relationship and stop the communication. The daisy dukes probably has something to do with it.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Ultimatums (threats) don't work. She is not his prison warden, or worse his mother. - Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
melissacus Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 The fact that this is a woman in her early 50's and acting like this is just concerning to me in general. When I read the first part of the post, I imagined this was a very young girl, maybe in her early 20's by the behavior you described. You have every right to be concerned and upset about this exchange! It's sneaky and weird, I would feel the same way. How long have you been with him? Do you two have many issues in your relationship? I say do what one of the above members had mentioned (I forget who), tell him gently how you feel about it and let him know it's not what you desire in a relationship and that it's causing you to question your trust in him. I think it's not so good that you have to come to that point with him (since you have already expressed your feelings toward it and he is refusing to budge about it...makes you wonder why), but if you're wanting to work it out with him, that's the best option in my mind. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author keylime009 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 I should of mentioned a few things in OP, I tried to make OP a long story short..lol. I'm not use to conveying my personal issues to strangers and only very few close friends I trust, knowing people can be so harsh. the only other personal issue we have is with his ex wife but that's a whole other story. I appreciate everyone's help and honesty and personal experience. I have never had to be a nasty person, it's not in my nature but if I ever have to so I protect myself I do what I have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 It's not being nasty KeyLime, it's sticking up for yourself and showing you value yourself. I would ask about the ex wife but it sounds like you are not keen to post. I wouldn't be asking him why by this stage though. I think all he will say is 'because she texts me'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keylime009 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Th e ex hates me, so there will never be a civil conversation. This issue with this woman has been eating at me for some time now, and the other day it just had really hit me hard to the point I couldn't hold it in. He has much other added stress in his life and I felt bad in a way adding to it but I'm not good at hiding my feelings. I said to him, honey I know you care for me however I have been battling with this issue for some time time now. In the past week I noticed when you were scrolling thru your text, there were messages from her but yet you blew by them and I noticed she only contacts you on days ypu are at work. I feel that her sending u pics and inviting you to events with or without friends is not appropriate. I haven't trusted her since day one. I would feel better if you would please cease all contact. He said I agree those things are not appropriate but you have to believe me that the re is no th ing going on, she isn't my type and it's kept to a minimum. Thats when I burst into tears because I know it's more than just occasional, more so on her part but he does nothing to stop it either. I couldn't get it out that I know its more frequent th an i know. He seemed ok, then I returned 5min later from dropping off my kids at school, his whole demeanor changed after that. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm not sure how to approach him again, but without letting him know that I have been through his phone.. which some people will say is wrong. My girlfriend told me to never lose your woman's intuition. .when she did it messed her up and later found her intuitions were indeed correct. I told him if she would contact him again, I will be private messaging her. we are in our 40s..and i think her in her early 50..so yes grown adults and she is NOT a very attractive woman either, but to each their own You open a casual, non-confrontational conversation with him that taps into his conscience without being accusatory. You say something like, "I am happy in and value our relationship very much and would never do anything to jeopardize it. If there is anything about our relationship that we need to work together on, I'd like to hear about it". If he is not happy with your relationship and that is causing him to seek attention elsewhere, hopefully, he will take the opportunity to discuss those things that maybe causing him to do that. If he says he's happy, observe whether he does curtail the situation on his own. Otherwise, I'd move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keylime009 Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 I noticed today she sent a text, I said some thing later in the evening. I said I saw she text you, what did she say?. She wanted to know why he wasn't responding. I asked what he was, planning on telling her. He said just going to ignore her. Why don't you tell her what we discussed. He said I don't want to lose a business contact and not have her ever send referrals And Thats what happened to the last female friend he had that I had an issue with. (This other woman posted a pic on fb of her and him, she cut me out and kept asking him to come see her band) He got defensive, said it would be immature of me to discuss the matter with her and that I am being in secure. Now, he has me feeling guilty and upset Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 He got defensive, said it would be immature of me to discuss the matter with her and that I am being in secure. Now, he has me feeling guilty and upset Google "gas lighting." Deflecting your feelings back indicates he is guilty of something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I noticed today she sent a text, I said some thing later in the evening. I said I saw she text you, what did she say?. She wanted to know why he wasn't responding. She wanted to know why he was not responding?? I am sorry but this is way too personal than just a student and business contact texting him. I asked what he was, planning on telling her. He said just going to ignore her. Why don't you tell her what we discussed. He said I don't want to lose a business contact and not have her ever send referrals And Thats what happened to the last female friend he had that I had an issue with. (This other woman posted a pic on fb of her and him, she cut me out and kept asking him to come see her band) He got defensive, said it would be immature of me to discuss the matter with her and that I am being in secure. Now, he has me feeling guilty and upset HUGE BS. Her not sending him business referral ever? pppfftt !! How bad can that be really!! He doesn't need her to do business. He wants her business referrals or he wants you? If the last female indeed did what you're saying than he should not care about losing potential business contacts. You are not being insecure, you are being smart and aware. No, it's not your job to contact this woman. Don't lower yourself by doing that. Your boyfriend isn't afraid of you one bit. I don't think you are being very assertive. How much do you want this to stop? You're gonna have to put your money where your mouth is and make it clear if it's the little respect he has for your relationship then you won't be in it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author keylime009 Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 (edited) I feel when people get too defensive, it's because they are guilty. I also notice that when he gets defensive when he seems to be guilty that he brings up my past relationships and says he is trying to get past those. He says he is begining to question us and my feelings. Edited April 23, 2015 by keylime009 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author keylime009 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Share Posted April 24, 2015 Update..although woman sent him a text last night saying please call me i have something to ask you. I asked if he was going to call her he said no he said I don't care what she has to say I don't care what she wants I don't care what anybody else wants what matters are your feelings. but then again ever since I asked him please not communicate with her anymore he acts like he's lost his best friend. just something doesn't add up for me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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