Breaking It Off Vent

April 23, 2015

You're a grown woman Leigh.

You don't owe anyone here an explanation for your choices.
Life is short. We're all on our own journey.

Wish you the best and hope you enjoy the ride.

I don't even necessarily think I want a long term serious relationship.

I don't feel like I need to find my future husband right now.

If I wanted kids and I was on a deadline at my age of 28 I'd Abandon ship.

But since I don't care one way or the other of I have my own biological children, I feel like there's no rush to find The One yet.

April 23, 2015

I have EXTREMELY lowwwww expectations guys.

He says he went broke fighting for his kids. He claims to be very very loving and he says he sticks by women through thick and thin; he even tried to overcome his recent exes cheating for the sake of his son. Who he visits daily.

Low expectations but I am willing to give him a chance.

Low low low expectations to the point where I won't exactly be shocked or heart broken if it doesn't last long term....

April 23, 2015

Lol I know it won't likely be a long lasting relationship.

But in person he is very drama free and fun.

The sad thing is, despite being.......the way he is, he still takes me out and treats me to dates out, he makes me feel desirable and good about myself....it's STILL better than some women in long term.relationships are treated. I could be doing worse things with my time besides enjoying great sex and company a couple of days a week. Of a man who clearly thinks I'm gorgeous inside and out.

At least I know what I could be getting into! When I feel like I want to find the right guy to marry, I'll re evaluate if he's it. If not, I'll leave.

Men don't tend to change. I'll eventually likey want to find the right guy for me and I'll know to leave if he's not it ( since he won't just suddenly change after months).

I think I have a handle on the situation. I'm not one of those girls who gets used for sex and dumped for a better candidate.

This man is very content. With me. He won't be the one to leave in all likelihood. I am.the one who will leave since I won't be content with a " taking it slow " type of relationship forever. I'll want to find the right guy in the next few years.

April 23, 2015

I thought you were (and some others here) a bit too judgmental on his lack of interest in the welfare of his kids. Hard to say how easy it was to keep his kids. The courts do favor the mothers. If his ex came from interstate and has family there I don't know if they will block the move back....especially if his ex was nasty and brought up tales of him getting drunk & abusive or doing drugs. Two of my friends have children with exes that moved to the other side of town where they lived nearby to their parents who would help babysit. These guys have to drive across the city to pick their kids up for weekends and drive back to return them (2-3hrs). The exes wont pick them up or drive them, and the guys cant keep the children during the week because their school was too far away. They said the family court didn't care.

What he told you might be a bunch of bull or it could easily be true too. I'm surprised the not giving his kids up without a fight issue was enough to swing you back on him. I still don't think you need to get involved with a guy that has a bunch of kids (even tho they will only impact $ wise and not time wise) just because of what you think is really elusive chemistry and a guy who takes you out, but if you are both moving slow it will be a change in pace for you. Anyway as long as you go in with reasonable expectations...have fun.

April 23, 2015

I thought you were (and some others here) a bit too judgmental on his lack of interest in the welfare of his kids. Hard to say how easy it was to keep his kids. The courts do favor the mothers. If his ex came from interstate and has family there I don't know if they will block the move back....especially if his ex was nasty and brought up tales of him getting drunk & abusive or doing drugs. Two of my friends have children with exes that moved to the other side of town where they lived nearby to their parents who would help babysit. These guys have to drive across the city to pick their kids up for weekends and drive back to return them (2-3hrs). The exes wont pick them up or drive them, and the guys cant keep the children during the week because their school was too far away. They said the family court didn't care.

What he told you might be a bunch of bull or it could easily be true too. I'm surprised the not giving his kids up without a fight issue was enough to swing you back on him. I still don't think you need to get involved with a guy that has a bunch of kids (even tho they will only impact $ wise and not time wise) just because of what you think is really elusive chemistry and a guy who takes you out, but if you are both moving slow it will be a change in pace for you. Anyway as long as you go in with reasonable expectations...have fun.

I'll know when I stop having fun.

I'm experienced enough to know when I DO want commitment and the man cannot give me what it is that I need. I know to leave; men don't change. If they don't commit when you WANT them to, leaving is the only option.

We haven't gotten to the stage where commitment is imminent. Although he makes it clear that I'm his girl and he want to be exclusive bf and gf.

I don't suffer from low self esteem. I know decent men want to date me. Yesterday a successful and really nice and normal aussie bloke asked me out in a date. At grocery shopping. He seemed very normal. Great career. He was really intelligent and we talked about a few really interesting scientific theories.

April 23, 2015

I'm definately going against hard facts.

Well aware folks.

Most men with his resume are dead beat dads who have abandon their kids and have no empathy and are likely sociopaths or narcissists or just awful people. I know I know.

But he seems nice, loyal and I am choosing to not DISBELIEVE him when he swears that he went broke fighting for his two kids when his ex left unexpectedly.

April 23, 2015

I broke it off.

And then 24 hours later... more flip-flopping.

I need support and and encouragement to dump him.

It's very hard. I need posters to remind me why it will go bad if I don't do it.

Just remember, you have no one but yourself to blame if it goes south.

But hey, at least you two have "explosive chemistry" and "fireworks" and to you, that's all that really matters.

And no, we're not gonna hate you, we don't have to live with your life's decisions, no matter how poor or blind they may be... you have to live with them.

April 23, 2015

And then 24 hours later... more flip-flopping.

Just remember, you have no one but yourself to blame if it goes south.

But hey, at least you two have "explosive chemistry" and "fireworks" and to you, that's all that really matters.

And no, we're not gonna hate you, we don't have to live with your life's decisions, no matter how poor or blind they may be... you have to live with them.

When have I ever said thAt chemistry is all that matters ?

There are obviously other things about him that I enjoy. We are an intellectual match, we make each other laugh and we both get all giddy and excited about hanging out.

We have talked about our values and hopes for what we regard highly in a relationship.

I have never once said that chemistry is all that matters.

I need the explosive chemistry. I also need a suitable partner who is wholly compatible!

April 23, 2015

If ALL I felt we shared was mutual explosive sex and intense chemistry, I'd run!

I wouldn't overlook such awful circumstances in his life UNLESS I felt I had a rare match in him; it is not every day that u have the intense chemistry and instant sexual attraction, coupled with with an intellectual match plus the ability to really make each other laugh and enjoy one another's company.

Rather than meet 50 guys before I find this rare combo of the chemistry and intellectual match with a dude I love be around, I am making absolute sure this guy isn't it before I abandon ship.

April 23, 2015

I know I know.

Dating is all about finding out what you want and what you don't want in a partner, key on the don't want as that will help you hone in on the type of guy that is right for you.

Whenever a relationship ended for me I did a post mortem and did some self introspection I looked at those things and made adjustments in the next relationship in order to not keep repeating the same cyclic relationship\breakup over and over..

April 23, 2015

I HATE assuming that all men are lying slime balls!!

No one said that. We said you need to pay attention to this particular guy's actions. If we thought all men were lying slime balls, then we wouldn't be encouraging you to make sure you pay attention to a man's integrity.

I don't suffer from low self esteem. I know decent men want to date me.

Someone with good self-esteem would have good self-esteem regardless of the amount or quality of men who wants to date her.

Self-esteem is produced by the self, regardless of how others perceive us.

Edited April 23, 2015 by Kamille

April 23, 2015

No one said that. We said you need to pay attention to this particular guy's actions. If we thought all men were lying slime balls, then we wouldn't be encouraging you to make sure you pay attention to a man's integrity.

Someone with good self-esteem would have good self-esteem regardless of the amount or quality of men who wants to date her.

Self-esteem is produced by the self, regardless of how others perceive us.

Well I don't have bad self esteem. I like my base personality and I love the way I naturally am, based on all the events that have unfolded in my life in combination with my natural predisposition: many people find me very different, intriguing, quirky and funny ! I am always told what a nice girl I am by young and old alike.

My self esteem can't be what it once was, since I once settled for men who didn't adore me and who only sad me as a care taker to pass the time and give them sex until their dream girl entered the picture.

I at least hold out for men who adore me and who seem into me.

Him going quite after his baby was born and the fact he went one day without of contact isn't indicative that he isn't into me. I was at fault for jumping to conclusions.

While I do believe this man whole heartedly goes after the women he truly WANTS, rather than settling, his life is a mess and I have a lot to watch out for. Given the circumstances this very well could end at any given time. I have to not see him more than one or twice a week, nor will I get carried away since I know how precarious his situation is........

I have taken your other advice into account. No more than twice per week visits. No future talking or taking things too seriously. No declarations of love.

I get it.

We don't see one another more than twice per week as is.

I realise this has a very high risk of failing due to his personal circumstances.

I feel we have enough potential to stick by him and overlook things and give it one chance.

April 23, 2015

Well I don't have bad self esteem. I like my base personality and I love the way I naturally am, based on all the events that have unfolded in my life in combination with my natural predisposition: many people find me very different, intriguing, quirky and funny ! I am always told what a nice girl I am by young and old alike.

Stop at what it is that you like about yourself. Like yourself regardless of what other people think of you. What matters is what you think of you.

My self esteem can't be what it once was, since I once settled for men who didn't adore me and who only sad me as a care taker to pass the time and give them sex until their dream girl entered the picture.

I at least hold out for men who adore me and who seem into me.

Him going quite after his baby was born and the fact he went one day without of contact isn't indicative that he isn't into me. I was at fault for jumping to conclusions.

While I do believe this man whole heartedly goes after the women he truly WANTS, rather than settling, his life is a mess and I have a lot to watch out for. Given the circumstances this very well could end at any given time. I have to not see him more than one or twice a week, nor will I get carried away since I know how precarious his situation is........

Here, you link your self-esteem to men once again.

A few things: 1. Self-esteem is seeing those past mistakes and forgiving yourself. There is absolutely no reason why your self-esteem should be lower because of past experiences with men. We all make mistakes, learn and grow from them, as you did. Self-esteem is saying: I accept my past, forgive myself and like myself.

2. Self-esteem is not based on being the most anything, the only woman he ever went down on, the uniquest snowflake in the snowstorm. I notice you tend to compare yourself to other, ah, vaginas a lot. Look around: anyone can fall in love, be happy, be joyful even if they aren't the hottest thing in town. That's because self-esteem takes you out of the competitive mindset and puts you in touch with your inner feelings, helps you identify what you want and helps you assert what you need. Stepping out of the competitive mindset is something I really wish for you.

I have taken your other advice into account. No more than twice per week visits. No future talking or taking things too seriously. No declarations of love.

These sound like superficial rules - but if they work for you, great! I would say the most important thing is:

1. Don't panic the next time he pulls back. Give him a chance to explain what is going on with him.

2. Take the time to identify your needs.

3. Communicate them honestly.

4. Don't let the chemistry overcloud getting to know who this man really is.

If you do that and the relationship works out, great. If you do that and the relationship doesn't work out, then you'll know it's really a matter of incompatibility.

April 23, 2015

Give yourself a break and realize that you don't need to decide anything right now. There is no urgency to end it or become FWB or be gf and bf. Go about your day to stuff and let some time pass. Enjoy it in the meantime

April 23, 2015

Give yourself a break and realize that you don't need to decide anything right now. There is no urgency to end it or become FWB or be gf and bf. Go about your day to stuff and let some time pass. Enjoy it in the meantime

We definately can't do FWB lol. We both have feelings and couldn't deal with the other person sleeping with others.

We both just want to take it slow and see how it goes.

He is baffled by how nice I'm being. He's only had three long term gfs and he's been mostly coupled up with a small casual period in the interim.

I always send him well wishes and offer to do nice things for him. He once said " you're SO nice..such a sweetie, honestly are you really actually this nice :confused:"

I was much the same after a hole " Andrew" who never so much as took me in a single date once in nearly three years

When men actually took me out on dates and, gasp, PAID:lmao: I was like...OMG wtf , what have I been missing, am I a gold digger, is this normal !!?

April 23, 2015

Give yourself a break and realize that you don't need to decide anything right now. There is no urgency to end it or become FWB or be gf and bf. Go about your day to stuff and let some time pass. Enjoy it in the meantime

It's so damn rare to find men who are highly intelligent, make you laugh and are very pleasant to be around AND who you feek that intense chemistry with.

I always go for intense chemistry and that strong " in love " feeling and I settle on other requirements ( of course he has to be a morally sound and good person). But yeah, pretty much being able to make me laugh, intense chemistry and being a good person who is not DUMB.....Is what I seek.

It's just a lovely bonus the fact that he's very intelligent and I can talk about any nerdy thing and he'll more than me about it.

If it doesn't work out I'm still thrilled at the mind blowing sex with a HOT guy who's not dumb as door nails.....

April 23, 2015

Stop at what it is that you like about yourself. Like yourself regardless of what other people think of you. What matters is what you think of you.

Here, you link your self-esteem to men once again.
A few things: 1. Self-esteem is seeing those past mistakes and forgiving yourself. There is absolutely no reason why your self-esteem should be lower because of past experiences with men. We all make mistakes, learn and grow from them, as you did. Self-esteem is saying: I accept my past, forgive myself and like myself.

2. Self-esteem is not based on being the most anything, the only woman he ever went down on, the uniquest snowflake in the snowstorm. I notice you tend to compare yourself to other, ah, vaginas a lot. Look around: anyone can fall in love, be happy, be joyful even if they aren't the hottest thing in town. That's because self-esteem takes you out of the competitive mindset and puts you in touch with your inner feelings, helps you identify what you want and helps you assert what you need. Stepping out of the competitive mindset is something I really wish for you.

These sound like superficial rules - but if they work for you, great! I would say the most important thing is:
1. Don't panic the next time he pulls back. Give him a chance to explain what is going on with him.
2. Take the time to identify your needs.
3. Communicate them honestly.
4. Don't let the chemistry overcloud getting to know who this man really is.

If you do that and the relationship works out, great. If you do that and the relationship doesn't work out, then you'll know it's really a matter of incompatibility.

I know for me, I can get the intense chemistry easily. I just have I issue in that department.

It's the intellectual emotional side of things that I haven't happened to find in the one man, when I have sexual fireworks with them.

Chemistry is easy to find for me. Other traits aren't. Or I can find them in men I have low chemistry with.

Thanks so much for your helpful insights. It helps.

April 24, 2015

He dumped me.

Said he doesn't trust me. Because a week in, I went out and danced with two male neighbours. That is not something I would have done if I was in a relationship. It was one week since meeting him and while I was super into him, I had no idea if he felt the same way since u can't trust a guy after a mere week.

He says he can never trust me. And we have both had too much drama so far....with me doubting him and all.....

So hey. He ended up being the one to end it.

He said the feelings were definitely there but he just didnt trust me. And too much drama had ensured.

Case closed. The end.

April 24, 2015

He dumped me.

Said he doesn't trust me. Because a week in, I went out and danced with two male neighbours. That is not something I would have done if I was in a relationship. It was one week since meeting him and while I was super into him, I had no idea if he felt the same way since u can't trust a guy after a mere week.

So, why did he know about this? Is this when you went to have sex with your neighbor?

I feel like you share everything with new guys when it is not necessary....

He says he can never trust me. And we have both had too much drama so far....with me doubting him and all.....

So hey. He ended up being the one to end it.

He said the feelings were definitely there but he just didnt trust me. And too much drama had ensured.

Case closed. The end.

Yeah, it's been a ton of drama.

You are better off.

April 24, 2015

I had sex with a neighbour but not this one. This was also before I met my ex.

I did nothing sexual with anyone else whilst with this man.

He thinks I did. That's why he ended it.

I was nothing but devoted and loyal.

I was willing to overlook his predicament..that is less than ideal..

April 24, 2015

I had sex with a neighbour but not this one. This was also before I met my ex.

I did nothing sexual with anyone else whilst with this man.

He thinks I did. That's why he ended it.

I was nothing but devoted and loyal.

I was willing to overlook his predicament..that is less than ideal..

Meh, I think that is what he's telling you, but I suspect he was already not as committed as you believe he was.

You're going to be better off. This man doesn't have his life together and he obviously doesn't know what he wants. Don't waste any more time worrying about him. You're not on the same page after all.

April 24, 2015

He talked you into continuing your relationship, and then dumped you? He's an idiot. You're better off.

April 24, 2015

Meh, I think that is what he's telling you, but I suspect he was already not as committed as you believe he was.

You're going to be better off. This man doesn't have his life together and he obviously doesn't know what he wants. Don't waste any more time worrying about him. You're not on the same page after all.

No, he was really into me sorry.

He thinks I slept with my neighbour. Things haven't been the same since that and his baby.....

Trust me. He was into me. That wasn't the issue. I broke his trust. Early on. He never got over it.

This isn't a lack of chemistry, attraction or him not being into me.

April 24, 2015

He talked you into continuing your relationship, and then dumped you? He's an idiot. You're better off.

Since week one he lost trust for me.

He wanted to end it but our chemistry and feelings we shared made him continue. Despite his lack of trust.

I don't write about that part. He didn't trust me after that incident where I went out and danced with my neighbours.

Then I have been uncertain about his situation. And tried to end it. But once he explained himself I honestly think he's a nice guy and a good match and is simply in a very bad situation in life.

All in all, we had that special chemistry and " feelings. It was outside drama that ruined things.

April 24, 2015

No, he was really into me sorry.

He thinks I slept with my neighbour. Things haven't been the same since that and his baby.....

Trust me. He was into me. That wasn't the issue. I broke his trust. Early on. He never got over it.

This isn't a lack of chemistry, attraction or him not being into me.

Why are you not totally upfront from the get-go when you start these threads? In your first post, you neglected to share important details, such as him having these babies and the fact that he didn't trust you. Why hide that?

I think you are a kind person but in denial. If he doesn't trust you, he couldn't have been very committed to you even from the beginning. Then he plays mental gymnastics with you to get you to stick around against your better judgement, then dumps you. I'm sorry, but my initial position stands: he's not on the same page as you. If he were, you wouldn't have created this thread to begin with. And you should be glad he wasn't, because he sounds all kinda of shady.

I just don't get why you don't paint a clear picture from the start. Hiding key details means you get skewed feedback. Waste of your and the posters' time. Lots of pages could have been saved if you'd been more honest about the context of the problem.

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