Breaking It Off Vent

[Leigh 87]

I have decided to take it extremely slow next time..I tried that this time. But he seemed to call me his gf within two weeks and yeah. Apparently that's too fast.

 

The couples I know who fell hard and were giddy with excitement from date one, they all remained monogamous from date one. They only had eyes for each other by default.

 

I am after that type of relationship that starts out with that special chemistry that paves the way for " in love " feeling. As opposed to quietly growing to slowly love without the head over heels, strong honey moon phase.

 

To slow things down, what are some ways I can do it??????? I want a guy where we both know right away that we could be onto something special and lose interest in exploring others.

 

I don't subscribe to the whole multi dating scene. I believe if you meet someone you are really into, you know it doesn't happen every day and there is nooooooo need to try out other candidates who that ONE person is clearly more on your mind.

[introverted1]

 

When it comes to oral, there are three types. Men who love it. Men who hate it. And men who love it with the right woman.

 

I have gotten loads of men who are category two: they love either with the right woman. With the right vagina. True story. I'd know, I've slept with loads of guys.

 

Wow.

 

I must have a designer vagina, in that case, since every guy I've ever been with has been eager to perform oral sex. And it couldn't possibly be because of the emotional connection we had, it had to have been because of my vagina!

 

Happy dance! :bunny:

[Leigh 87]

Because fireworks.[/quote

 

 

I'd never tolerate a guy who was clearly lacking in integrity and who wasn't a good match.

 

Look on the news. There was a major storm here. Power was totally out in his region. My manager lives near to him and her phone wouldn't worry either.

 

Today as soon as I could get through to him I ended it.

[sagamore]

Most guys agree!

 

A few guys have told me that they opted to go down on me and not others was due to my inner lips being invisible and it looking neater.

 

When I asked other men, after dating them for a while, if they have any sexual prefernces regarding their partners genitals, they were baffled that the men I had been with previously, actually HAD preferences.......

 

All I have to say after reading this thread is...damn, does anyone actually talk this much about her vagina on dates??

 

I think you're focusing on the wrong set of lips.

[losangelena]

To slow things down, what are some ways I can do it??????? I want a guy where we both know right away that we could be onto something special and lose interest in exploring others.

 

Wait a bit to have sex. Let the tension build as you get to know one another while keeping the bonding sex hormones at bay, so you know you're getting to know and like them for THEM, and not because of the sex.

 

Then when you do have sex, if you get to that point, it'll be even more explosive, because you'll have the beginnings of an emotional attachment.

[Weezy1973]

OP, you post like a stream of consciousness - pretty much everything that enters your head you type out - and people are reacting to that. From what I've seen, you've actually come to a couple great conclusions after thinking about the situation over the past few days.

 

First:

 

The reason FWB will not work is because I truly do want a loving, long term relationship that grows in time.

 

I was using FWB as a way to be with the person I wanted. And want still.

 

I am unsure if he can give me the relationship I deserve so it is best I end it now.

 

I could have remained somewhat detatched during a FWB I have no doubt. But I would have VERY SOON realised " you know what, I want romantic dates on weekends, declarations of love and the possibility of marriage"

 

I would have likely had a few more rolls in the hay before realising I wanted more and ending it.

 

So I may as well end it now and heal, focus on work and college and I will actually stop being a hermit and leave my flat and go out with friends.

 

This is great! In fact it is the conclusion pretty much everyone in the thread was hoping for. You just had to figure it out for yourself (which is the same as just about everybody).

 

And then this also made me smile:

 

I'm beautiful on the inside. I'm kind hearted, generous and highly empathetic.

 

And I did think I'd handle FWB but once I considered it properly, as an adult should do before committing to giving her body away on a regular basis, I had a change of heart.

 

I've made the right decision. NOT the decision that actually wanted to make. I'd RATHER have him as long as possible. But I know it'd only end badly.

 

So I've actually made a sensible decision for a change.

 

Exactly! It's a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes what we want to do isn't what's best. Kind of like really wanting that second piece of cake, but realizing it's not the healthiest choice to make.

 

Although your thought process is clearly filled with defense mechanisms, you came to the right conclusion. And you realize it will be hard in the short term. That's okay.

[Leigh 87]

I broke it off.

 

He said that he thought we were bf and gf, but were taking it slowly while he sorts himself out.

[rester]

To slow things down, what are some ways I can do it???????

 

Limit your expectations and stop expecting so much so soon. It's unrealistic unless you are seeking out a man with nothing much going on his life besides you. Chill out and see each other once a week and don't expect as much communication from these men. And if you sleep with them, don't expect them to fall madly in love with you. You're not going to scare someone away by sleeping with them too early, but sleeping with them is not an indicator of any long-term potential.

 

 

I want a guy where we both know right away that we could be onto something special and lose interest in exploring others.

 

You can't know anything right away except for how you feel, and a lot of men (and women) can fake a feeling in return if they sense it from you. Or..they may feel the same way but three months later they get bored. This happens to both men and women no matter how wonderful things seem at the beginning.

[Hope Shimmers]

I get straight middle aged women tell me while in dress stores that they wish they had an ass like mine.

 

This is actually more than a little disturbing.

 

Can't believe I just read 2 pages about bedazzled designer vaginas. Ten minutes of my life I'll never get back.

[Leigh 87]

He said that cuddles with me ( literally cuddles) and time with me was the only escape he got from his living hell of a life.

 

He said: I really liked you too much and wanted to take it slower because of all the male attention u get, I get very jealous and didn't want to get hurt

 

It seems like u want me to be there for u 24/7 which I cannot give u atm. Due to my life. I was super happy to have u and thought we were just taking things slow while I sort myself out.

[Weezy1973]

He said that cuddles with me ( literally cuddles) and time with me was the only escape he got from his living hell of a life.

 

He said: I really liked you too much and wanted to take it slower because of all the male attention u get, I get very jealous and didn't want to get hurt

 

It seems like u want me to be there for u 24/7 which I cannot give u atm. Due to my life. I was super happy to have u and thought we were just taking things slow while I sort myself out.

 

That's a really nice way to end things. Clearly you did the right thing.

[Leigh 87]

All I have to say after reading this thread is...damn, does anyone actually talk this much about her vagina on dates??

 

I think you're focusing on the wrong set of lips.

 

 

 

Seriously, no I don't sit around in dates and tell them all about my vagina.

 

Sheesh.

[Leigh 87]

He makes out that the feelings were there, he was liking me too much considering his situation, and that we were still bf and gf and merely taking it slowly while he dealt with his issues.

 

He makes out like he simply needs to sort himself out.

 

I'm very afraid after hearing all your warnings. You all make out like he lies and pretends to like me and lacks empathy.

 

I feel so judgemental. We don't know the full story about his two kids his ex took. Maybe it pains him every day like it would a normal father.

 

I feel awful because he could simply be a loving guy who is going through issues and simply needs time to sort himself out and come right again.

[ascendotum]

He said that cuddles with me ( literally cuddles) and time with me was the only escape he got from his living hell of a life.

 

He said: I really liked you too much and wanted to take it slower because of all the male attention u get, I get very jealous and didn't want to get hurt

 

It seems like u want me to be there for u 24/7 which I cannot give u atm. Due to my life. I was super happy to have u and thought we were just taking things slow while I sort myself out.

 

'living hell of a life' - I think he is being a bit melodramatic here. Sure having an unwanted baby with a woman you hate is certainly not going to put you in a good frame of mind, he is not in hell. He is still working his good job and I gather is not stuck in the same house as his ex. Absolutely for sure a pretty woman sleeping with him is going to cheer him up, but its not like you are his last hope. You said he likely does well with the hotties , has in the past and likely still will. What he says about going slow might be true but also might be a bunch of bs. I gather going slow was to have some sort of low committal fwb for as long as it took him to sort his life out. I get it, makes sense, but you wont know the time frame and it seems its really not what you want with a guy with the omg chemistry.

 

If you were the one with the life in turmoil and this dude was single with no unwanted kids and life was going really swell for him, do you think he would be there for you as a fulltime devoted bf? You probably wont really know because you only known him when is emotionally vulnerable & needy & in the early stages being on his best behavior and saying the right things to get with you.

[Mrlonelyone]

A fundamental problem is that this

 

I have decided to take it extremely slow next time..I tried that this time. But he seemed to call me his gf within two weeks and yeah. Apparently that's too fast.

 

Conflicts with this.

 

The couples I know who fell hard and were giddy with excitement from date one, they all remained monogamous from date one. They only had eyes for each other by default.

 

One thing, Many couples re write history to make their relationship sound much more romantic than it really was. So don't buy all of what your friends are selling.

 

 

You can't both take is slow and act like you are monogamous from day one deep in love. Those two things simply can't exist at the same time. You want to go fast but not call it going fast.

 

You might not be happy as long as you seek that.

 

Look at this from the mans perspective. He is supposed to be head over heels in love with you but....he does not get a commitment talk? From a romantic point of view you should "just know" and all that....but at some point you have to discuss just what is it you're doing.

 

 

I am after that type of relationship that starts out with that special chemistry that paves the way for " in love " feeling. As opposed to quietly growing to slowly love without the head over heels, strong honey moon phase.

 

Those two things aren't at odds either. People can be friends first but the romantic feelings can hit you really fast. The "friends first" situation however, can't be made to happen within formal dating as in online dating. Either you are really friends due to common interest, and activities or you are not.

 

Ideally you will be both friends and lovers and it will feel like a honeymoon for all those years.

 

 

To slow things down, what are some ways I can do it??????? I want a guy where we both know right away that we could be onto something special and lose interest in exploring others.

 

I don't subscribe to the whole multi dating scene. I believe if you meet someone you are really into, you know it doesn't happen every day and there is nooooooo need to try out other candidates who that ONE person is clearly more on your mind.

 

The only way to slow it down is to slow it down. I really don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you want matrimony at first sight or something.

[Leigh 87]

A fundamental problem is that this

 

 

 

Conflicts with this.

 

 

 

One thing, Many couples re write history to make their relationship sound much more romantic than it really was. So don't buy all of what your friends are selling.

 

 

You can't both take is slow and act like you are monogamous from day one deep in love. Those two things simply can't exist at the same time. You want to go fast but not call it going fast.

 

You might not be happy as long as you seek that.

 

Look at this from the mans perspective. He is supposed to be head over heels in love with you but....he does not get a commitment talk? From a romantic point of view you should "just know" and all that....but at some point you have to discuss just what is it you're doing.

 

 

 

 

Those two things aren't at odds either. People can be friends first but the romantic feelings can hit you really fast. The "friends first" situation however, can't be made to happen within formal dating as in online dating. Either you are really friends due to common interest, and activities or you are not.

 

Ideally you will be both friends and lovers and it will feel like a honeymoon for all those years.

 

 

 

 

The only way to slow it down is to slow it down. I really don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you want matrimony at first sight or something.

 

 

That's not what I want.

 

I want the intense chemistry that makes you all excited about dating each other.

 

As opposed to being lukewarm initially.

 

I have it with enough average dudes so I'm sure I can find the White hot chemistry with many more average looking dudes and one of them will be compatible.

 

I don't need to give guys a second date if the chemistry isn't there and we arent both very attracted.

[Leigh 87]

The ultimate reason I left is as follows.

 

It creeps me out that he has two kids interstate. Why hasn't he talked about fighting for them ? Wouldnt a normal man with empathy fight tooth and nail and spend everything he earns taking his ex to court in order for him to see his two kids????????????????

 

It makes me question if he is capable of feeling true and deep love romantically.......

 

He also comes off that well..perhaps he is just very immature and while it tortures him to not have his kids, he simply hasn't been man enough to accept his siruaiton or fully deal with it.

[Leigh 87]

'living hell of a life' - I think he is being a bit melodramatic here. Sure having an unwanted baby with a woman you hate is certainly not going to put you in a good frame of mind, he is not in hell. He is still working his good job and I gather is not stuck in the same house as his ex. Absolutely for sure a pretty woman sleeping with him is going to cheer him up, but its not like you are his last hope. You said he likely does well with the hotties , has in the past and likely still will. What he says about going slow might be true but also might be a bunch of bs. I gather going slow was to have some sort of low committal fwb for as long as it took him to sort his life out. I get it, makes sense, but you wont know the time frame and it seems its really not what you want with a guy with the omg chemistry.

 

If you were the one with the life in turmoil and this dude was single with no unwanted kids and life was going really swell for him, do you think he would be there for you as a fulltime devoted bf? You probably wont really know because you only known him when is emotionally vulnerable & needy & in the early stages being on his best behavior and saying the right things to get with you.

 

 

I do think he was really into me. I don't think he viewed me as some stress free sex whilst he got himself together. I believe he felt for me what he thinks is bf and gf.

 

I believe he just had a bit of a reduced capacity to love in general since he abandoned his own two kids.

 

Fathers with a true sense of empathy would be fighting for those children and would use all his money for them.

 

I do believe this man has issues and it's not a reflection of how he feels about me at all........

[Rejected Rosebud]

Some advice:

 

1) NEVER talk about how "nice" your vagina & body is with guys you are beginning to date unless you are just into having sex with them. Or with other people including us. It's not cool at all Also STOP talking with guys about how much hotter and better you are than their girlfriend, wife, ex, every other girl, etc. NOT OKAY.

 

2) STOP talking about your friend's relationship as your ideal. You have no idea what their relationship is really like. Srsly you DON'T.

 

3) People here on LS care about you and are interested in you, why don't you stop telling lies on here?? There have been so many times starting when you first came here that you have said all kinds of things that are opposite of each other. Just tell the truth!!!

 

4) About taking it slow. You know how to do it you seem to just refuse. You need to go on dates and LISTEN to the person and PAY ATTENTION to him and learn about him, who he is and what he cares about. You need to leave your obsession with HOW HOT YOU ARE and how much he's gonna dig your vagina and how INTO you he is just completely OUT of it!!! I don't think you can do this without help though, your therapist could help you if you were willing to work on it. You do come off as 100% self indulgent though so you may not be willing to work on anything that won't give you instant gratification!!!

 

Don't you think it would be good for you?

[clia]

I have decided to take it extremely slow next time..I tried that this time. But he seemed to call me his gf within two weeks and yeah. Apparently that's too fast.

 

The couples I know who fell hard and were giddy with excitement from date one, they all remained monogamous from date one. They only had eyes for each other by default.

 

I am after that type of relationship that starts out with that special chemistry that paves the way for " in love " feeling. As opposed to quietly growing to slowly love without the head over heels, strong honey moon phase.

 

To slow things down, what are some ways I can do it??????? I want a guy where we both know right away that we could be onto something special and lose interest in exploring others.

 

I don't subscribe to the whole multi dating scene. I believe if you meet someone you are really into, you know it doesn't happen every day and there is nooooooo need to try out other candidates who that ONE person is clearly more on your mind.

 

Slowing down means just that -- slowing down. It has absolutely nothing to do with how much chemistry is present or how attracted you are to the guy. It's about exercising some self control both physically and emotionally while you evaluate his character and integrity.

 

You also can't blame the speed of your most recent relationship all on the guy either. Within a week after meeting him you were calling him your boyfriend on this site. If you wanted things to go slower, all you have to do is pace the relationship.

 

Some suggestions about slowing down:

 

Don't spend every single day with a guy you just met (like you did with Neighbor Guy). Limit yourself to one or two dates a week with him. Frankly with your school, work, and friends, you shouldn't have time to see a brand new guy every single day anyway.

 

Don't spend time excessively texting with a guy you just met. Limit it. No texts longer than one or two sentences. No more than...six or eight texts per day and keep it light.

 

Don't get naked with him for at least...a month. Start there. That will be 4-8 dates into the relationship if you see him once or twice a week.

 

No "at home" hang out dates. This will make it easier for you to resist getting naked with the guy or letting things go too far too quickly.

 

Go on at least 4-6 dates before you decide he's your boyfriend.

[GemmaUK]

I'm so glad you ended this Leigh!

 

 

Even his acceptance message had a big old red flag in it as far as a potential abuser goes!

 

 

The 'I get very jealous' is that red flag.

 

Leigh, you are getting your life all together, studying and it sounds like you are happy doing so plus you are working in the field there is no reason for you to go for someone who fails to even keep in touch with his own children.

Moving away is a drastic change for a woman and her children to take and honestly I suspect what happened was that he was emotionally and possibly verbally abusive towards her (and possibly in front of the children).

He may have been physically abusive and perhaps there wasn't enough in the way of evidence to get a court order for him not to see the children.

An awful lot of evidence is required for that level of court order so instead she may have just had to move away.

 

He doesn't seem to care about not seeing them or having any contact which is really odd. Men don't usually just cut out their children and be happy about it.

 

You replied to my last post saying you wouldn't date someone without chemistry. I didn't even suggest that and I totally agreed it was important if you re-read my last post on here.

For me it is massively important but just as much is that a man is a good man and doesn't have all these huge red flags about him.

And sorry to say but there were a hell of a lot of red flags about this guy and they are actually things that are really really REALLY common in abusers.

 

People who abuse in relationships are not to be taken lightly at all.

To be really honest with you I wish that my last ex who I was with for 7 months had physically abused me straight off the bat.

He didn't, he was very subtle and very manipulative.

I frustrated him as much of his problems with me were utterly bizarre so I thought he was kidding and called him out often.

Because I called him out he figured that his tactic wasn't working so he would have a go at me about something else. Guilt trips, gaslighting, you name it!

 

I tried to end it several times, he promised to change. He got worse and the last time I saw him he raised his hand to hit me.

 

I should have ended it 7 days in when he said 'ILY' as it slipped out on a phone call.

Actually, nope..I confess that I should have never met than more than once - that night he told me how badly all his ex's had treated him and how they were all b****es!!

 

Looking back I was so damned stupid! I had never met someone who flattered me as much nor who was so attentive as he was in the beginning.

What I now know is that the flattery and attention plus the views on his ex's were all the signs I needed to not even date the guy..

He was one whole waste of time - but at least I have learned from it.

I'll never date a guy like him again - that is for sure!

 

He was 'into me' and I know that he was. He even showed photos of me to his family and friends and he told me they said 'how did you get her!?' (btw it took me 5 months after ending it with him to get all those photos of me off public view on his facebook page - I only allowed him personal access to 2 pics of me - he had 15 all over his fb account while I dated him but had them blocked from me seeing them. It was only after he unfriended me that I could see them all) - so yeah, sadly I was his 'trophy' but he also thought that my job was worthless, my life was worthless and that because he was 'da man' I should be quitting my job, selling my house, moving in with him and being his cook and cleaner because I am a woman. That is all he thought women were here to do - just to look after a man.

[Mrlonelyone]

That's not what I want.

 

I want the intense chemistry that makes you all excited about dating each other.

 

As opposed to being lukewarm initially.

 

I have it with enough average dudes so I'm sure I can find the White hot chemistry with many more average looking dudes and one of them will be compatible.

 

I don't need to give guys a second date if the chemistry isn't there and we arent both very attracted.

 

Being friends first and/or taking it slow is not the same as lacking chemistry. It is as others have said simply not being ruled by chemistry, keeping wits about you.

[Leigh 87]

You're all gunna hate me.

 

And I know what I'm doing isn't likely going to yield a long term, loving relationship. I know better and I am going against my better judgment because I want to enjoy myself for the moment.

 

The guy told me that he spent two houses worth of his money..

Fighting for his two kids. He also flies down to visit them when at all possible. He pays child support. He said he has a lot of love to give and what happened with his kids destroyed his soul. He said he is not lacking in empathy and he is sure he can feel the full range of emotions that any normal man can.

 

He visits his new baby every day in the hospital, where it still resides.

 

He said he sticks by women no matter how messed up they can get, in the hope they can help themselves and try and change. He says his love runs very, very deep, and he's sick of people assuming he's a **** when he believes he is actually very loving and has a great capacity to love a woman and his children.

 

He wants to be bf and gf but take it slow while he sorts himself out.

 

He had never wanted to end this at any time. I am the one who has tried to end it twice ish now, because people on here and my good friend in real life and anyone who will listen to me, all his history shows he is some sort of a bad guy...

 

I have gone through the motions of a break up. I know I'll be fine if or when.. I come to the conclusion that you were all right, he IS a monster becsuse of how he didn't fight hard enough to get his kids back ( a claim he vehemently denies I may add)

 

I HATE assuming that all men are lying slime balls!! He's been nothing but nice to me so I am going to give him a chance to prove to me that he's not lying.

 

He hasn't acted over the top comitted or falsely into me. He doen't gush about his feelings or anything suspect. It was clear he was liking me too much in the beggining and that has made him scale things back.

 

He doesn't drink atm. He isn't a big drinker, he started to drink end of his last relationship and has gotten drunk twice in a month with me. His mate who's known him for four years says he has never been a huge drinker.

 

I realise this is a bad decision but I want to exhaust all avenues and be 100% SURE there is no hope of things working out well before I give up on him.

 

Oh. And I know what emotional and physical abuse are. First sign of any of that business and I am done. I actually have wayyyyyyyy wayyy too much support around me in the form of friends and family , that I just wouldn't even consider tolerating abuse; I know there and plenty of people around me who'd support me. I wouldn't be a woman who stays for lack of a support system for her to fall back on.......

 

 

My parents and friend who've met him didn't get a bad vibe about him so far. It's only the people who know of his written, documented history.....

 

I am not banking on this to work out but I LOVE the sex and laughter together and I am focused on uni/ college and I LOVE my job in the field sooo much! I don't mind taking it slow with him. I have lots I need to focus more.

 

I mean it when I say I won't be surprised and I'll be quite numb to things not working out as logically, I know his history point to things not working out.

 

I won't be writing any depressive posts or threads though. I know what I am getting myself into. I'd simply come back and say hey guys, you were right, next time I'm not going to give someone the benifit of the doubt over huge things.............

[Leigh 87]

Being friends first and/or taking it slow is not the same as lacking chemistry. It is as others have said simply not being ruled by chemistry, keeping wits about you.

 

Me and this bf want to take it slow. Once or twice a week visits. While he sorts himself out.

 

It's definately not due to lack of chemistry.

[neowulf]

You're all gunna hate me.

 

You're a grown woman Leigh.

 

You don't owe anyone here an explanation for your choices.

Life is short. We're all on our own journey.

 

Wish you the best and hope you enjoy the ride.