I didn't deserve this!!!

[VeryBrokenMan]

As I read this I can't believe this is my life. If you had told me a year ago that this was going to happen to me, I would have said YOU ARE CRAZY, NO WAY...... What a difference a year makes huh..... I want to thank everyone for your advice. I feel like I'm all alone and then I get on LS and you all turn my frown upside down THANK YOU!!!

 

I can't believe that this is my life either. You and I will never understand why cheaters cheat because we are not cheaters. And they will never understand why we would not cheat even given a similar opportunity.

 

The bottom line is it's not about what we are not it's all about what they are. We are quality people with character and morals and we do the right thing even when no one is watching us. We've worked hard for our family and always put them first. I pride myself on the fact that when given a perfect opportunity to cheat I chose to end the relationship immediately and I still feel that way even given what has happened. My wife cannot understand that and never will.

 

You are a good person that does not deserve to be cheated on. You are the one that worked hard to support your family. You should be proud of what you've done and hold your head high. I'm feel my wife deserves half of everything because without her I would not be where I am. But I think the laws should be changed to limit spousal support in the case of cheating because in a lot of cases they don't deserve half, they are just leaches on a marriage.

[merrmeade]

As I read this I can't believe this is my life. If you had told me a year ago that this was going to happen to me, I would have said YOU ARE CRAZY, NO WAY...... What a difference a year makes huh..... I want to thank everyone for your advice. I feel like I'm all alone and then I get on LS and you all turn my frown upside down THANK YOU!!!

There you go, I4give, you'll be all right. This is good. Get mad! Scream some more to us. Or just scream - in the bathroom, in the car! Let 'er rip.

 

Coming here for outrage and support is a start and, yes, you deserve it in spades. You did NOT deserve any of it and who, by the way, would?? None of it is fair.

 

I think that the most important support is from people you know love and cherish you AND can tell you all the reasons why you are good. In fact, any love with indignation on how you've been treated will pump you up for a long, long time in a good way.

 

Plus the IC is absolutely indispensable. Slowly, slowly you'll be a little better each week, stronger, happier even. The IC is getting you back to you - whether you stay or go.

 

You can do it and, clearly, already are. Nice story about the suitcase and dressed to kill. You're doing great.

[beach]

When I was divorcing my exH after he cheated - he thought that I should just overlook his bad behavior (again) and stay married to him.

He was shocked I was divorcing him.

 

I didn't owe him ANY answers - except = I deserve better than a man who cheats on me!

 

And that's what I told my kids too.

 

And staying silent is the same as agreeing with his BS. Start speaking up. The fewest words sends the clearest message.

 

Do you want to go to counseling? NO

 

Will you forgive me and stay married? NO

 

Will you tell the kids why you're divorcing me? YES

 

 

One word answers are the best! No reason to engage in any argument or conversation.

 

I told my exH "it's not up to you and it's not up for discussion".

 

Ok, that one time I used more than a one word answer. :-)

[flowergirl14]

Boy, I can relate to this. It sucks. I was a good husband and a good father and just plain didn't deserve this nonsense.

 

That and five bucks will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Life sucks and it ain't fair and you can thank your lovely husband for this particular sh*t sandwich.

 

If he's truly remorseful and you're truly forgiving, better days are ahead as you reconcile.

 

If you're missing either of those requirements and you wisely decide to divorce, better days are ahead.

 

If you're missing either of those requirements and you're reconciling anyway, stick around so we can continue beating you around the head and ears until you change your mind. And then better days are ahead.

 

Just don't stay in a hopeless situation for the sake of the kids or out of some sense of fear or some other nonsense. There is absolutely life after divorce. I had been with my wife for 18 years and was well into my 40s when Dday happened. For nearly 20 years I had been focused in one direction. Changing gears was tremendously difficult. But I did it and life improved. Now I'm glad to be out of that awful marriage and I'm with someone that just legitimately appreciates my presence. What a nice change.

 

Give yourself some time. Better days are coming.

 

Not intending to thread jack.. but just wondering how to shift gears. Im in a 21 year marriage w/ a serial cheat. However, since ive focused on family and h so long finding it difficult to switch gears. I have anxiety and depression about the whole thing. Feels hopeless. i need to find a career, get financially better off and divorce. Oh man thats a tall order!

[sandylee1]

I was saying that to myself this morning and then I snapped to it and said "YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG." I don't care if I am alone for the rest of my life I am NOT going back to him.He told me he will come after me for alimony. That was one of his tactics to scare me into taking him back. I am so angry I have to pay him. All because I worked two jobs to keep a roof over our heads. I have to pay him till I RETIRE. Someone needs to change the law somewhere. UGH!!!

 

I'd be thinking about temporarily reducing my income I. E. Dropping one job , so that assessments are based on that.

 

I know its the 21st century and equal rights are here, but I absolutely have no respect for a man claiming alimony. Shame on him. A financially irresponsible man is a huge turn off for me. I've never sat down and had a man support me (except on maternity leave) , so I certainly will not put up with supporting a man who is too lazy to work.

[sandylee1]

Not intending to thread jack.. but just wondering how to shift gears. Im in a 21 year marriage w/ a serial cheat. However, since ive focused on family and h so long finding it difficult to switch gears. I have anxiety and depression about the whole thing. Feels hopeless. i need to find a career, get financially better off and divorce. Oh man thats a tall order!

 

Hi, Start your own thread and people will be able to give advice there.

[I4givehim]

I'd be thinking about temporarily reducing my income I. E. Dropping one job , so that assessments are based on that.

 

I know its the 21st century and equal rights are here, but I absolutely have no respect for a man claiming alimony. Shame on him. A financially irresponsible man is a huge turn off for me. I've never sat down and had a man support me (except on maternity leave) , so I certainly will not put up with supporting a man who is too lazy to work.

 

I'm way ahead of you. I am only working one job now. I miss the extra income but I have to do what I have to do. Believe me he can work. There is no reason he can't go out and get 3 jobs. Thanks for the advice

[Ironpyrites]

It's a bad day. I'm feeling sad. I didn't deserve any of this. I was a good wife. Need some words of encouragement

 

You did not and do not deserve this, stay true to yourself. I feel your sadness and get lost in it sometimes but I know it cant rain forever, stay strong, my empathy is with you if that means anything?

[sandylee1]

I'm way ahead of you. I am only working one job now. I miss the extra income but I have to do what I have to do. Believe me he can work. There is no reason he can't go out and get 3 jobs. Thanks for the advice

 

You're a smart woman. Well done.

Having got my first job (part time ) at 15, I will not tolerate a lazy man. I worked 3 jobs when saving to get married. I had a few policies in mind for a potential husband and one was that if he couldn't raise my standard of living, better not bring it down.

 

Stay strong and know that you deserve so much better. Any decent man would be so appreciative and grateful you were supporting the family, but he decided to cheat. A classic case of 'adding insult to injury.'

 

He fu**** up and now he regrets it. Too late.

[I4givehim]

You're a smart woman. Well done.

Having got my first job (part time ) at 15, I will not tolerate a lazy man. I worked 3 jobs when saving to get married. I had a few policies in mind for a potential husband and one was that if he couldn't raise my standard of living, better not bring it down.

 

Stay strong and know that you deserve so much better. Any decent man would be so appreciative and grateful you were supporting the family, but he decided to cheat. A classic case of 'adding insult to injury.'

 

He fu**** up and now he regrets it. Too late.

 

He sure did. He even said that he fu**** up. He said he lost his mind. He didn't know what he was doing, he was sick. Then he tried to pull our vows into it, for better or worse, sickness and in health. I just laughed in his face. I tried to get him help but he wouldn't go to the doctors. I thought he was physically ill. It turned out he had the cheating Blue's, guilt ect.... Everyone has choices. Some people make the wrong choices and have to live with it. Nothing can take away my pain but I will make it through it. I'm a strong women and I am looking forward to a great life ahead.

[merrmeade]

He sure did. He even said that he fu**** up. He said he lost his mind. He didn't know what he was doing, he was sick. Then he tried to pull our vows into it, for better or worse, sickness and in health. I just laughed in his face. I tried to get him help but he wouldn't go to the doctors. I thought he was physically ill. It turned out he had the cheating Blue's, guilt ect.... Everyone has choices. Some people make the wrong choices and have to live with it. Nothing can take away my pain but I will make it through it. I'm a strong women and I am looking forward to a great life ahead.

I love it when people know how to get what they need like you're doing. Yep, you'll be fine. But there's nothing wrong either with the other FACT that some days will just be hard. You might need to do this again. You will still waffle between extremes of feeling. But, man, that you're so pro-active and clear about what he's done, what that means, and what you need to do to survive it is really impressive. Way better than I did.

[I4givehim]

I love it when people know how to get what they need like you're doing. Yep, you'll be fine. But there's nothing wrong either with the other FACT that some days will just be hard. You might need to do this again. You will still waffle between extremes of feeling. But, man, that you're so pro-active and clear about what he's done, what that means, and what you need to do to survive it is really impressive. Way better than I did.

Oh! I have good and bad moments. When I feel lonely and miss his company I remind myself how I was working 2 jobs and he was doing her. That snaps my right back into reality.

[I4givehim]

Women we don't give ourselves enough credit. We are stronger than we think. Don't ever let a man treat you bad. You are so much better then that. We buy the best shoes, the best clothes so why don't we get the best men..... Stay song women!!! We got this

[sandylee1]

He sure did. He even said that he fu**** up. He said he lost his mind. He didn't know what he was doing, he was sick. Then he tried to pull our vows into it, for better or worse, sickness and in health. I just laughed in his face. I tried to get him help but he wouldn't go to the doctors. I thought he was physically ill. It turned out he had the cheating Blue's, guilt ect.... Everyone has choices. Some people make the wrong choices and have to live with it. Nothing can take away my pain but I will make it through it. I'm a strong women and I am looking forward to a great life ahead.

 

Shame he didnt think of the vows while he was with OW for a whole year. Reconciliation is a gift when a spouse has cheated. You don't have to give him that gift.

 

Wasn't it his mum that knew about the A?

 

Just shows how poor morals can run in the family.

 

What does he expects? For you to say that's okay, you made a little mistake, let's move on and forget about it?

 

People just don't think about the consequences. Or maybe they do and just think the BS will forgive and forget.

[sandylee1]

Women we don't give ourselves enough credit. We are stronger than we think. Don't ever let a man treat you bad. You are so much better then that. We buy the best shoes, the best clothes so why don't we get the best men..... Stay song women!!! We got this

 

You are a perfect example of why it's good for women to be financially independent. Can you imagine if you weren't? He'd feel even more entitled than he does.

 

So many SAHM end up staying in marriages with cheating spouses, because they have no job /career and are fearful of how they'll manage with money.

 

I know one man who called his wife a leech, because she was dependant on him. The kids were in school, but she still didn't work. I was just a kid when I heard this and I said never would any man be able to say that to me.

[I4givehim]

Shame he didnt think of the vows while he was with OW for a whole year. Reconciliation is a gift when a spouse has cheated. You don't have to give him that gift.

 

Wasn't it his mum that knew about the A?

 

Just shows how poor morals can run in the family.

 

What does he expects? For you to say that's okay, you made a little mistake, let's move on and forget about it?

 

People just don't think about the consequences. Or maybe they do and just think the BS will forgive and forget.

 

He said just forget about it. What's in the past is in the past. Let's move on..... I said yes, I am moving on..... WITH OUT YOU. Have a nice life loooooser!!!!

[Spark1111]

I actually disagree with this. By telling the children, the OP is setting up the children in the center - where they do not belong - and having to make judgments that children should not have to make.

 

I do not know how old the children are and that would be a factor, but I ere on the side of explaining nothing other than their parents simply don't agree and they will understand more when they are adults.

 

By forcing them to listen to both sides of an adult problem, it will put them in conflict with both parents. By taking a higher ground and explaining that bad-mouthing is wrong on all fronts, you could continue to raise your children by example.

 

It is not a children's responsibility to bear the brunt of a he-said/she-said scenario so I am all for keeping them out of it. If he starts to tell them stories, eventually they will learn the truth on their own.

 

Sadly, my own husband's Ex did this very thing; to 4, 7, and 8 year-olds. She was the one who started telling the children all these bad things that her husband did to her. Now that they are teenagers, they see their mother for the liar that she is and her façade of being the injured party has shown through.

 

Oh, threaten with the lunatic WS.....but never do so...on this we agree.

 

however, if someone claims I AM destroying the family by divorcing after discovering THEIR infidelity, I BELIEVE they need a strong dose of reality......whether I tell the children or not.

 

OF course, I Never would. But sometimes you have to fight fire with fire when dealing with attacking BULLY, a cake eater who blames you for what is truly THEIR fault.

 

Like another poster said, kids KNOW who the bad guy is.....IF you do not disparage the WS.

[Steen719]

Thank you everyone. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The STBXH had picked up the kids and took them out to dinner. He asked if I would join them. I told him I don't want to give him any hope of reconciliation. He asked if we could go to MC. I said no. There has been so much pain, betrayal, & lies that I can't forget or forgive. I just want to go on with my life. He told me that I AM GOING TO DESTROYING THE CHILDREN, because I want a divorce. He said he will tell the children that he isn't the one who wants a divorce. .... all I could do is laugh in his face. I just walked away and mumbled manipulation. The nerve he has blaming me for this. He is a piece of garbage. Was I that blind in love that I didn't see what an a** he is.

 

I can identify with this. My XH said something like this to my son, who was 20 at the time. "I want your mother to stay and she won't". My son told him that he wanted me to be happy. XH told me later that hurt his feelings, that his son didn't care about his happiness. Such an immense ego. He cheats - twice, I work non-stop to help get us through his medical crisis, he finds another old gf and I am the one who is breaking up the family.

 

This is fresh for you. No lie; you have some pain ahead of you. Cry when you need to. If you keep it inside, you just feel worse. It took me at least 6 months from when I moved out to feel some better. It may not take you that long. Your kids being with you will help. My son was away at college and I was alone. Do a lot with them, go out with friends - I did everything that someone asked me to do. One, I even went with a friend to her doctor appt and sat in the waiting room-lol! I just had to get out. I went to a divorce support group and discovered something. As bad as I thought my situation was, there were some that were so much worse. I was safe and some of those women were not. I also recognized that it was over and the saddest people there were the ones that did not.

 

You are doing great. You have support here from many people. No, you did not deserve it. The decisions he made to cheat on his wife instead of being honest are all on him. You may not have been a perfect wife. God knows, I sure wasn't. BUT, I didn't deserve what I got and you did not, either.

 

You will feel better and that kind of feeling will start to fade. You'll see.

 

Best to you. Hang in there.

[elaine567]

Men more likely to cheat if they are economically dependent on their female partners, study finds -- ScienceDaily