you must let it go Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Well keep doing what you are doing. It's the only way forward. Being Friday today is hard. This time every week was when we use to meet up for a drink after work & spend the whole weekend together. I miss her so much right now. Just got to force myself to get through this. You will miss her thats natural you have to force your self through this its not going to be easy brother, but you will. I love this I read it most days hope it helps you as much as it does me? There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk Away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, Loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, Staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might Be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they Would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means That their part in the story is over. And you’ve got To know when people’s part in your story is over so that you Don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God Means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reality015 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 You will miss her thats natural you have to force your self through this its not going to be easy brother, but you will. I love this I read it most days hope it helps you as much as it does me? There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk Away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, Loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, Staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might Be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they Would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means That their part in the story is over. And you’ve got To know when people’s part in your story is over so that you Don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God Means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! Let them go! Trust me i'm trying! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reality015 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 You know, sometimes even when you really love someone or care for them the relationship can become impossible for various reasons.. letting go always hurts, and I believe even more so when you really love the other person... You still have strong feelings for her but distance can often put a new perspective on things... At this point, I think you've come to terms with what is.. it doesn't stop you from wanting what was, but it has allowed you to accept that things have changed, and with that you've been able to maybe see things in a different way, and to perhaps recognize that the relationship while maybe very good at times, also had not so great elements to it as well... With that comes progress is letting go, and feeling better. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 The ironic thing is even if you gave her a second chance, once she had you back, she'd probably wind up dumping you again soon after. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Paterlany Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 My boys ex is trying for almost 2 years after she dumped him! We called the police once when she was screaming outside our house. He never has any contact with her. Best way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reality015 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 The ironic thing is even if you gave her a second chance, once she had you back, she'd probably wind up dumping you again soon after. I know & that is what is stopping me getting back with her. We only broke up 5 weeks ago. The same issues would come up again & I would be right back to square one. Still hurts though Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reality015 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 My boys ex is trying for almost 2 years after she dumped him! We called the police once when she was screaming outside our house. He never has any contact with her. Best way. I really don't hope this happens to me. Link to post Share on other sites
gnick Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 If you're clear you don't want to get back together, what does it really cost you to let her continue to contact you for a few more weeks? It sounds like she's changed her mind and wants you back, and now you're in the position of dumping her.... so my feeling is, when you're the dumper, you treat your ex with as much compassion as possible. Most exes don't become crazy stalkers. But the more you cut her off, the more desperate she'll be feeling.... is it really necessary to cut her off so soon after a breakup? (Yeah, I think five weeks is soon after a breakup.) I know I'm probably alone in this thinking, but I just don't see the harm in letting her go through her process, as long as you're not giving her false hope -- and as long as it's not delaying YOUR healing. Just my take anyway. I agree 100 percent. My ex girlfriend cut me off completely after she broke up with me and it absolutely drove me nuts. If she would have had a little compassion and talked to me a time or 2 it would have helped me alot.the harder she avoided me the more intent I was that she was going to talk to me.no one owes you anything but I thought it was a ****ty goddam thing to do.I think if you haven't allready you should explain why you are cutting her off 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I think if you haven't allready you should explain why you are cutting her off He has, 15 times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gnick Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I read he tried telling her not to contact him 15 times but I didn't see anywhere that the op explained to her why Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Err, because she dumped him?! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) Trust me this whole keeping in contact with an ex is delaying my healing. If it wasn't i'd have no problem staying in touch. IF you feel it's delaying your healing, then I agree you should cut her off. However, it's also easy for posters to demonize all dumpers around here. I wouldn't assume your ex was a stalker or crazy or evil just because she couldn't cut contact immediately. It sounded to me like the reality of the breakup was only hitting her after the fact, not that she was trying to manipulate you -- she was actually begging for another chance! But of course you know her best. My point was only that if it doesn't cost you anything, you should continue to stay in contact to help her through it. Not that you should sacrifice your own healing, but that you should be there as a compassionate human being for her if it doesn't cost you anything. That is all. Edited April 17, 2015 by Ruby65 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 IF you feel it's delaying your healing, then I agree you should cut her off. However, it's also easy for posters to demonize all dumpers around here. I wouldn't assume your ex was a stalker or crazy or evil just because she couldn't cut contact immediately. It sounded to me like the reality of the breakup was only hitting her after the fact, not that she was trying to manipulate you -- she was actually begging for another chance! But of course you know her best. My point was only that if it doesn't cost you anything, you should continue to stay in contact to help her through it. Not that you should sacrifice your own healing, but that you should be there as a compassionate human being for her if it doesn't cost you anything. That is all. So you think that she not only is allowed to dump him, but also deserves to have him hold her hand as she deals with the dumping she initiated? That's absurd. Dumpers are not evil at all, but life has consequences. You make a decision, you live with the consequences of that decision. She chose to dump him (which she was well within her rights to do), the consequences of that is that she loses him as a lover, a friend, and a confidant. She can't have it both ways. She asked back, he's told her no. Game over -- sorry Charlie. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I agree 100 percent. My ex girlfriend cut me off completely after she broke up with me and it absolutely drove me nuts. If she would have had a little compassion and talked to me a time or 2 it would have helped me alot.the harder she avoided me the more intent I was that she was going to talk to me.no one owes you anything but I thought it was a ****ty goddam thing to do.I think if you haven't allready you should explain why you are cutting her off She broke up with him nick. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 So you think that she not only is allowed to dump him, but also deserves to have him hold her hand as she deals with the dumping she initiated? That's absurd. Dumpers are not evil at all, but life has consequences. You make a decision, you live with the consequences of that decision. She chose to dump him (which she was well within her rights to do), the consequences of that is that she loses him as a lover, a friend, and a confidant. She can't have it both ways. She asked back, he's told her no. Game over -- sorry Charlie. She broke up with him, but then changed her mind. She was begging him to take her back. Look, I'm not saying what she did was *right* or *mature*.... but just as a human being, when you've got someone who's begging you for another chance, I can't see just blocking them after five weeks when they're still so upset. That's just me and my take. Five weeks after a breakup doesn't seem like that long to get over someone. If she's really hurting, I'd say to be there for her until she pulls it together a bit more. On the OTHER HAND, if it's delaying his own healing, obviously he has to do what's best for him. The point of my post was to say, if it doesn't cost him too much, he should be there for her until she's okay. You know, like.... treat others the way you'd like to be treated? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 She broke up with him, but then changed her mind. She was begging him to take her back. Look, I'm not saying what she did was *right* or *mature*.... but just as a human being, when you've got someone who's begging you for another chance, I can't see just blocking them after five weeks when they're still so upset. That's just me and my take. Five weeks after a breakup doesn't seem like that long to get over someone. If she's really hurting, I'd say to be there for her until she pulls it together a bit more. On the OTHER HAND, if it's delaying his own healing, obviously he has to do what's best for him. The point of my post was to say, if it doesn't cost him too much, he should be there for her until she's okay. You know, like.... treat others the way you'd like to be treated? She's not giving him the same courtesy. She asked multiple times, he said no and to please leave him be. She didn't. She's an adult and this is part of the consequences of her decision. It's not like he completely ignored her, he told her no and politely requested that she stop contacting him but she won't. I'm sorry, it's not on him to hold her hand like she's a child. She doesn't get the luxury of him being there for her when she's the one that pulled the trigger, and it's not cool of her at all to expect him to do that. He hasn't stonewalled her -- the only reason he's considering completely stonewalling her (besides the fact that he's healing and her contact inhibits that healing) is that she hasn't respected his request for her to leave it be. It sucks she feels bad, but that's part of being an adult. Sometimes things don't go your way and sometimes you just have to figure it out on your own. But expecting the person you dumped to hold your hand to help you through it is not a realistic or appropriate thing. If she wants him to treat her the way she wants to be treated, then she should respect his request for space and time. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 We'll just have to agree to disagree then, because I just could never ever cut off someone I was involved with who was begging me for another chance. To me, that's just too cold. I don't care if I initiated the breakup or they did -- they're asking me to get back together and I'm telling them "no," which puts me in the Dumper Seat. As a Dumper, I've never cut off anyone -- I never gave false hopes, but I've never cut anyone off. However I think if OP feels it's too much for him, then of course he should go No Contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 We'll just have to agree to disagree then, because I just could never ever cut off someone I was involved with who was begging me for another chance. To me, that's just too cold. I don't care if I initiated the breakup or they did -- they're asking me to get back together and I'm telling them "no," which puts me in the Dumper Seat. As a Dumper, I've never cut off anyone -- I never gave false hopes, but I've never cut anyone off. However I think if OP feels it's too much for him, then of course he should go No Contact. Sometimes the simple act of keeping in contact fuels false hope. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, though he hasn't been cruel at all -- she just keeps pushing the envelope and intruding on him, which is why he is looking to detach completely. That being said, I'll agree to disagree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 This interesting, because it's basically the flipside of the dumper/dumpee dynamic that we usually see. Where it's the dumpee who's all upset about not getting closure, and we counsel them to just go NC, closure comes from within, etc. Not too often we see the dumper who's calling and bugging to talk, and the dumpee who has to say no. I suspect that doesn't pop up too much on here. Plus, it may well be one of the few times where the dumpee isn't wanting reconciliation at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 The dumpee doesn't want to reconcile.... it's the dumper who wants to reconcile! The dumper has become the dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Oh, I know It's just unusual that we're helping the one who DOESN'T want to reconcile and is getting bugged. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reality015 Posted April 18, 2015 Author Share Posted April 18, 2015 I read he tried telling her not to contact him 15 times but I didn't see anywhere that the op explained to her why Trust me I explained why at least 15 times. I've spent hours on the phone with her. The last conversation was for nearly 3 hours. I have no been cold & nasty towards her. I have been very respectful towards her. Even her best friend has told her that she has to let me go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reality015 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 This is what I keep telling myself. "It takes strength & courage to detach from someone you love. No matter how unhealthy the relationship is, it's always hard to walk away. Detaching involves letting go of ones hopes & dreams you had for the future & the idea of spending your life with that person. It's a huge loss & you will go through a difficult grieving process. If you let yourself grieve, you will come out the other side. You WILL find ways to be happy again" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bradwhite411 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 What caused the breakup? And did you contact her any after the 5 weeks of NC? My ex gf and I have broken up almost a week and a half ago and I have went NC for a week now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reality015 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 I have never iniated contact. We broke up for a few reasons. Short version is she didn't like the way I parented. Even though we love & miss each other I don't see how getting back together will change the fact my parenting compared to hers is always going to be an issue. I have my children full time she has hers part time. We also live two hours drive from each other & the distance was creating pressure as one of us would of had to move eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
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