He still doesn't want to get married and I start wondering if we ever will

[sandylee1]

Thank you guys, I really appreciate it.

 

He argued with the house, saying that this is a big commitment too, but that he just doesn't want to get married now and doesn't understand why I do. I asked him for at least a timeline and he said he really cannot give me one.

 

I guess now it's really time to walk away..

 

He's not on the same page as you.

 

It's time to move on. Some guys need longer than others to decide. Definitely time to cut loose.

[Thicke2013]

After a couple of years, what are the reasons to wait that don't fall into the category of reluctance to commit to the person you're with ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I agree with this 100%. I was married at 20 and divorced at 33. When my current wife and I started talking about being exclusive we had very candid discussions about what our relationship goals were and where we saw our relationship heading and that was within the first 3 months. I knew that I wanted to be in serious long term relationship. I wasn't just casually dating. It was paramount for me to find someone that was looking for the same. Why waste my time with someone who is only wanting to date around for a few years? It doesn't make them wrong and me right. It just means we would be on different pages. I feel at this age and point in my life ( I have 3 children) that I didn't want to date around. I wanted to find a life partner. I did just that.

[rester]

This seems counter-intuitive to me. Why would I stay with someone 7-10 years that I didn't want a long-term commitment with? A decade is a long time to just hang out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree, but my point was that there are people that have long-term commitments to each other without marriage being the immediate goal. This doesn't sound like it would work for the OP, and that's fine, but it works for many couples.

 

In general, I don't believe that a man (or woman) not wanting to get married within a year's time determines the magnitude of that person's love for another. That's what I was disagreeing with.

 

In the OP's case, her boyfriend is apparently apprehensive because he is concerned about their fighting. I think the OP needs to figure out if she is willing to work on that aspect of their relationship, as well as determine if her boyfriend is willing to work on that.

[rester]

If both people are in agreement not to marry, I see no foul at all.

 

 

And I can see extending the dating period if the partys are young or in college or waiting to get out of the military or have gainful employment etc.

 

 

But if both people have completed their education, are gainfully employed and one for-sure wants to get married and the other is perfectly happy to just keep marking time indefinitely, the other has the right to walk.

 

 

A year is plenty of time for an adult to know or not.

 

 

Now please understand I am not saying that all couples should be engaged in a year. I am not implying that at all. I am saying that a developed adult should know within a year if the person they are dating is 'the one' or not and know if they want to be with that person or not.

 

 

That person saying "..I don't know." is BS and a stalling tactic.

 

I agree with everything you're saying except for the one year part. I suppose I know too many couples that parted ways around the two year mark.

[Timshel]

I agree, but my point was that there are people that have long-term commitments to each other without marriage being the immediate goal. This doesn't sound like it would work for the OP, and that's fine, but it works for many couples.

 

In general, I don't believe that a man (or woman) not wanting to get married within a year's time determines the magnitude of that person's love for another. That's what I was disagreeing with.

 

In the OP's case, her boyfriend is apparently apprehensive because he is concerned about their fighting. I think the OP needs to figure out if she is willing to work on that aspect of their relationship, as well as determine if her boyfriend is willing to work on that.

 

Right, agree with you rester that couples who agree to not want marriage and co-habitate, fine. They are on the same page with the same goals.

As far as the I don't like how we/you fight issue, I see this as gas lighting. He's throwing things out to see what sticks to get her off his back about it, in my opinion.

Now he brings this up? Please do not buy a house with this guy OP and seriously consider walking. I think he is cake eating, putting you off and as long as you hang around and take it, nothing will happen.

You deserve to have the life that you want for yourself and it seems at this time it's all about him.

[missblue]

As far as the I don't like how we/you fight issue, I see this as gas lighting. He's throwing things out to see what sticks to get her off his back about it, in my opinion.

Now he brings this up? Please do not buy a house with this guy OP and seriously consider walking. I think he is cake eating, putting you off and as long as you hang around and take it, nothing will happen.

You deserve to have the life that you want for yourself and it seems at this time it's all about him.

 

 

You have a really good point here and I haven't seen it from this side yet. I thought all the time our relationship is great (apart from the marriage issue), we don't fight much and if we do, it's usually about random stuff like 'You seem pissed', 'No I'm not' and half an hour later everything is fine. Or other random stuff, we always make up the same day. It's really not a big deal and he always confirmed it's not a big deal, so now that he's bringing it up might prove your point that he's gas lighting me, pretending that he actually has a reason to be not sure. I don't know how to react.

 

I haven't broken up yet, but we're not really talking. The conversation yesterday ended when he said he doesn't have anything to say anymore for now, so I said alright. Now I'm at work and he is, too. I don't plan on seeing him tonight as I have made plans with friends. Probably he wouldn't say more anyway. I guess I just have to break it off, right? The worst is that we booked a one week vacation in Cuba, leaving tomorrow in a week. I can't cancel the trip (already paid flight tickets, no insurance) and I don't want to cancel it, but now it just seems weird going with him.

[Timshel]

Whether you go on the trip depends on how upset you are about this right now.

I would say go, relax, if this topic comes up, it does so organically. You have a lot invested in this relationship and nothing should be done off the cuff.

Maybe I am biased in the sense that I like to process, absorb all the information before making a final decision. Once that happens, it's a done deal. You have quite a bit to think about and there is no reason you can't do that in Cuba on vacation, maybe all the better.

The question is, how do you feel about it? Will it be too uncomfortable for you or can you use the time to process and perhaps gather more information?

[missblue]

Whether you go on the trip depends on how upset you are about this right now.

I would say go, relax, if this topic comes up, it does so organically. You have a lot invested in this relationship and nothing should be done off the cuff.

Maybe I am biased in the sense that I like to process, absorb all the information before making a final decision. Once that happens, it's a done deal. You have quite a bit to think about and there is no reason you can't do that in Cuba on vacation, maybe all the better.

The question is, how do you feel about it? Will it be too uncomfortable for you or can you use the time to process and perhaps gather more information?

 

You're right, it's just that right now we're not really talking. Yesterday the conversation ended when he said he doesn't know what to say anymore and I said I've also said everything. Shortly later he just said he's going to sleep. This morning I was having breakfast when he woke up, he just said good morning without even looking at me. Then he got ready for work, didn't say anything the whole time (me neither). Then he said 'See you later' and left. No calls or messages ever since (we usually text often during the day). Now I'm at a friend's house because I really don't wanna sit at home waiting for him. I also don't know what else to say.

 

Also, how can I forget about everything and enjoy the trip with him when I know that he suddenly says he has some doubts (about our fights, as mentioned before) and that he hasn't thought about marrying me at all and that he cannot even give me a timeline? If I pretend that everything is ok he will probably think he 'won' and I gave up on my idea and we're just back where we were before.

[loveboid]

You could stay home while he goes and use this alone time to think.

 

P.S. I'm sure he could find a buddy to go with him if you give up your ticket for free.

[missblue]

You could stay home while he goes and use this alone time to think.

 

P.S. I'm sure he could find a buddy to go with him if you give up your ticket for free.

 

 

No, don't wanna do that. I've been planning this trip for months and always wanted to go to Cuba. And now that I have some days off I def wanna do it... plus plane tickets weren't cheap from here.

[sandylee1]

You're right, it's just that right now we're not really talking. Yesterday the conversation ended when he said he doesn't know what to say anymore and I said I've also said everything. Shortly later he just said he's going to sleep. This morning I was having breakfast when he woke up, he just said good morning without even looking at me. Then he got ready for work, didn't say anything the whole time (me neither). Then he said 'See you later' and left. No calls or messages ever since (we usually text often during the day). Now I'm at a friend's house because I really don't wanna sit at home waiting for him. I also don't know what else to say.

 

Also, how can I forget about everything and enjoy the trip with him when I know that he suddenly says he has some doubts (about our fights, as mentioned before) and that he hasn't thought about marrying me at all and that he cannot even give me a timeline? If I pretend that everything is ok he will probably think he 'won' and I gave up on my idea and we're just back where we were before.

 

He won't have won if you break up with him after the holiday. Go on the holiday, relax, soak up the sun. Read books and magazines or whatever you do on holiday.

 

The holiday is a bit soon to cancel. In your position I'd be half tempted to say let's go as friends, so I can really enjoy the holiday. Shame you can't go with someone else, like a gf. I have a way of turning my feelings of for a guy if I feel they aren't reciprocated. Well, I did before I got married anyway.

 

If someone wasn't as serious as me, I had a change of heart pretty quickly.

 

If you really can't bear to go, then bail out.

[xxoo]

He said that we thought we agreed to wait and see what the future brings, and that we said it'll be under three years..

 

He should know by now, actually by two years ago. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even feel enthusiastic about a proposal after all this feet dragging.

 

And what exactly does he mean by "what the future brings"? He's not waiting for some milestone (a career development, for example) before proposing. It's not what the future will bring; it's what he will do in the future. So it could be rephrased as, "I thought we agreed to wait and see what I decide in the future." Which, of course, is bull crap.

[Timshel]

You're right, it's just that right now we're not really talking. Yesterday the conversation ended when he said he doesn't know what to say anymore and I said I've also said everything. Shortly later he just said he's going to sleep. This morning I was having breakfast when he woke up, he just said good morning without even looking at me. Then he got ready for work, didn't say anything the whole time (me neither). Then he said 'See you later' and left. No calls or messages ever since (we usually text often during the day). Now I'm at a friend's house because I really don't wanna sit at home waiting for him. I also don't know what else to say.

 

Also, how can I forget about everything and enjoy the trip with him when I know that he suddenly says he has some doubts (about our fights, as mentioned before) and that he hasn't thought about marrying me at all and that he cannot even give me a timeline? If I pretend that everything is ok he will probably think he 'won' and I gave up on my idea and we're just back where we were before.

 

Ok. You are not the same now and you need to honor that. Can you tell him to take a hike from the trip? Unlikely, I know. So if not and you won't give it up then you have to endure him and make the best of it. Your other option is to really take a stand and move out while he is away. You can tell him it's over before he goes and insist that he goes without you because, though you are passing it up, you would still appreciate the quiet. What do you think is the choice that will give you the most peace?

[sandylee1]

When you break up ( please do ) dont let him try and say if you really loved him you'd wait. I've heard that crap before and just said if you really loved me you'd know it and I'm not waiting around for you. No hard feelings. Good luck for the future.

 

He doesn't have to marry you and you don't have to wait.

[missblue]

We just talked again. He was the one who offered to talk, but seemed very uncomfortable all the time and didn't seem to like the topic at all. I asked him straight if I'm the one for him and if he sees us together in 30 years. He said yes, and argued again with the house, that this is a big commitment and that it should show me that he's sure about me. He also says that he just doesn't understand the concept of marriage or why it is important. I told him that for me it's a bigger commitment than buying a house and that you show to the world that you're taken and not 'leave the door open' to be able to leave anytime you want. He said you can also be married and just leave and that this happens all the time. I said I know, but that this is not how it's supposed to be. He also mentioned (without me even bringing it up) that he's not ready for kids and he doesn't know when he will be (he said he will be, but he doesn't know when). I said that's ok, since I haven't been planning on having a child in the next three years anyway. But he doesn't even know if he wants one in three years.

 

I told him that I need an answer, if he wants to get married or not. He then said yes, but he needs more time. I asked how much time and he said he doesn't know (again). I told him I need a timeline and not a 'Yes, but I don't know when'. He then said okay, I will think about it and let you know. By the way, I also asked him straight forward if it's about ME and the relationship and he said definitely not.

 

 

In general I'm okay with giving someone more time, but to me it really seems like he's scared of that commitment or he just doesn't want it. I don't want to stick around and wait maybe another ten years. I just don't understand why he is like this.

[minimariah]

I just don't understand why he is like this.

 

2 options.

 

1. he doesn't want it with YOU (no matter what he keeps telling you)

2. he doesn't want it because he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage.

 

you have different views on love & M, it's as simple as that. if he does marry you - it won't be because he wants it, it will be because you pressured him into doing it so be prepared for a divorce in that case, too. he doesn't want marriage and you want it for all the wrong reasons. just find someone who will be HAPPY to marry you without you giving some kind of ultimatums and timelines. like, are you really happy with someone you need to talk into marrying you? come on.

[xxoo]

I just don't understand why he is like this.

 

 

Do you have to understand it to accept it?

 

I get the feeling you're hoping to change him. That isn't going to happen.

[beach]

No, he is actually from a picture perfect family. His parents have been married for over 30 years and they still seem super happy and even advertise marriage. His father told us a while ago that he thinks that one year of dating is enough to get married.

 

Half a year ago he told me he wants kids in about four years, which was ok to me. But he wants to buy a house NOW. I told him yesterday 'How can you want to buy a house with me if you're not 100% sure about me and our relationship'? (He said he sometimes has doubts when we fight). He said it's not that he's not sure and that he loves me very much, but he didn't have any answer to this. If he really loved me and wanted a future with me, wouldn't he be able to tell me at least 'We can get engaged til the end of this year'? I mean it's been three years of relationship this summer (he actually said 'Oh really? I thought it was only two'... I just thought what a douche).

 

You see - you've allowed him to call all the shots.

 

You want marriage? Then get busy dating a man who has the same goals as you.

 

This guy isn't interested - or should I say interested enough to make that commitment with you!

 

He knows you want to. He doesn't even acknowledge your desire to get married.

 

He's selfish!!! He hasn't considered what would make YOU happy!!! And in order to have a healthy, solid marriage it takes considering what would make the spouse happy.

 

I'd move. I'd start dating men who are serious about marriage.

 

And what's with your expectations being so low? Eloping? Is that what you REALLY want or did you say that to try and get him to consider it easier? And no big expensive ring? You don't want one? Is that true or are you just lowering your expectations because you think he may consider it more if you don't expect much?

Li really want to know if these are your true feelings or if you've just changed your ideas to suit him better?

 

Don't settle = he's not likely to work hard to satisfy you and yours needs...there are plenty of men out there who are willing to jump through hoops for a nice gal and equal partner - it doesn't look like he's that guy.

[missblue]

And what's with your expectations being so low? Eloping? Is that what you REALLY want or did you say that to try and get him to consider it easier? And no big expensive ring? You don't want one? Is that true or are you just lowering your expectations because you think he may consider it more if you don't expect much?

Li really want to know if these are your true feelings or if you've just changed your ideas to suit him better?

 

 

 

You're right about everything but the above part. I never understood why people want to spend a huge amount of money on a single day. I prefer to spend my money on traveling and my hobbies, not for a big wedding. Plus, I always found the idea of eloping romantic, being somewhere on an island on the beach. And about the ring, I DO want a ring, but it shouldn't be too expensive because I'd be too worried to lose it or to even get robbed. I'm not into diamonds, rather into emeralds and sapphires, so I'd prefer that.

 

But yes, about the rest you're right. He seems selfish and doesn't seem to care that it would make ME happy. He seems to be angry about me wanting to get married and I don't get it. When he left for work today he just said bye and didn't give me a kiss or anything, like if I did something bad. I know I cannot change him, but I guess I can' deny that there is some hope inside of me that he might change his mind when he sees that he's losing me (and he will, I'm planning to walk away).

[beach]

You keep having the same discussions with him. Are you noticing the OUTCOME is the same each time?

 

He has stated over and over he's not interested in marriage now. He's not willing to say when.

 

That's your answer. Know that! He's not willing to consider marriage. Not now - don't know when...

 

But he is willing to use half your money for a house! If hew antsy house that badly - HE can buy the house! Do not get tangled Ina house WITH him.

 

 

Or better yet - you buy a house in your name only with your own money. And start dating men who are interested in marrying you.

 

He knows what you want and he's not willing to go there. That is your answer. I hope it's not "good enough" for what you want.

 

Never settle - he's asking you to settle - I don't recommend it!

[sandylee1]

OP

 

It's coming over as pressure now. You shouldn't have to pin a guy down to a timeline. YOU need to decide what's an acceptable time in your own mind, then either leave or be content. If he marries you now, any problems that occur early in the marriage, any little argument, he'll say 'this is why I didn't want to get married yet, but you kept pushing and pushing it'. 'You practically forced me. I married you to shut you up'

 

I'd want a man to propose of their own free will. You said you wanted marriage and apparently he does, but not yet and he doesn't quite know when. You keep pushing him on a time. If he doesn't know, how can he tell you. Clearly your views on marriage differ at this point.

 

So if you wait another year and still nothing from him, you bring this conversation up again? His silence says it all.

 

Personally, if he got on bended knee tomorrow I'd say no . It needs to come from his heart. I really get that you want to get married, I was the same from a certain age , but any of those BFs who said they'd like to get married one day, but didn't know when, I stayed to kill a bit of time and have fun, then swiftly moved on.

[missblue]

OP

 

It's coming over as pressure now. You shouldn't have to pin a guy down to a timeline. YOU need to decide what's an acceptable time in your own mind, then either leave or be content. If he marries you now, any problems that occur early in the marriage, any little argument, he'll say 'this is why I didn't want to get married yet, but you kept pushing and pushing it'. 'You practically forced me. I married you to shut you up'

 

I'd want a man to propose of their own free will. You said you wanted marriage and apparently he does, but not yet and he doesn't quite know when. You keep pushing him on a time. If he doesn't know, how can he tell you. Clearly your views on marriage differ at this point.

 

So if you wait another year and still nothing from him, you bring this conversation up again? His silence says it all.

 

Personally, if he got on bended knee tomorrow I'd say no . It needs to come from his heart. I really get that you want to get married, I was the same from a certain age , but any of those BFs who said they'd like to get married one day, but didn't know when, I stayed to kill a bit of time and have fun, then swiftly moved on.

 

 

True. I shouldn't even have to bring it up again. I just think three years is enough time for a 31 years old man to decide if he wants to get married, isn't it? To me he sounds more like an 21 years old when he says stuff like 'Yea, I wanna get married but I never think about it ever and I don't know when' and 'I might not be ready for kids for another 5-10 years'.

 

I don't think though that he would marry me because of pressure. He's not the type of guy who would react to that kind of pressure.

[oldshirt]

Sounds to me like he's more interested in a roommate to help pay the mortgage.

 

If you believe in marriage and want to have a traditional marriage and family etc, why are you with a man that doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't see marriage as part of his world.

 

You and he simply have completely different values and outlooks on home, marriage and family. Why are you trying to cram a square peg in a round hole here? You two have vastly differing views on something very basic and critical here.

 

He may be a decent guy and he may like puppies and moonlight walks and beach like you do but you have different values and beliefs on something very important and fundamental to your lives. Does it matter than you like the same kind of music and both love chocolate chip cookies if you have such differing views and values on marriage???

[oldshirt]

And in regards to the Cuba trip, I don't see how that is even an issue or why it is even being discussed. He's not an ax murderer or child molester and he hasn't done anything wrong. There's no reason not to go on the trip and no reason to even consider not doing it.

 

You don't have to dump him today. I would just start making plans to start looking ahead and moving forward with your own life goals.

 

At some point that will mean getting back on the dating market in looking for a man that shares your values and goals.

 

That doesn't necessarily have to be today but the longer you wait the more time you burn, the more your "pretty" fades and the more marriage-minded men get married leaving only the playa's, career bachelors and the the bottom-feeders that no one wants.

 

Go to Cuba. Have fun. Look good in a bikini. Take lots of bikin pictures and post them all over Facebook. You'll have more eligible bachelors than you'll know what to do with when you get back ;-)

[missblue]

And in regards to the Cuba trip, I don't see how that is even an issue or why it is even being discussed. He's not an ax murderer or child molester and he hasn't done anything wrong. There's no reason not to go on the trip and no reason to even consider not doing it.

 

You don't have to dump him today. I would just start making plans to start looking ahead and moving forward with your own life goals.

 

At some point that will mean getting back on the dating market in looking for a man that shares your values and goals.

 

That doesn't necessarily have to be today but the longer you wait the more time you burn, the more your "pretty" fades and the more marriage-minded men get married leaving only the playa's, career bachelors and the the bottom-feeders that no one wants.

 

Go to Cuba. Have fun. Look good in a bikini. Take lots of bikin pictures and post them all over Facebook. You'll have more eligible bachelors than you'll know what to do with when you get back ;-)

 

 

 

I for sure go to Cuba, but going with him might be weird because the whole situation is just weird now. We talked again, but we don't kiss, we don't touch, he just says bye when he leaves and does't contact me all day from work. If we go to Cuba together, it won't be different I guess- I mean how can I just pretend that everything is ok and start acting couply again? He even seems pissed all the time and I don't understand why. Any idea?

 

And the reason why I'm with him even though we seem to have different expectations is that I didn't really know we do. When we started we started dating I was 24 and a Master student, I didn't think about marriage at all at that time, so in the first 1.5 years of the relationship we never even mentioned marriage. Then his answers were always kinda vague so I thought he probable wants marriage and a family anyway, because he's absolutely great with kids and comes from a happy family and he's an absolute family guy. Sometimes I wonder if he maybe wants what I want, just not with me. On the other hand, why is he with me then? He usually is super sweet, tells me all the time how much he loves me, takes me to every friends and family meeting and wants to buy a house with me. If I'm not the one for him he could just tell me, I even asked him if I am and he said I absolutely am. It doesn't make sense.