Affair Question

[almond]

I find it odd that her own friends are coming to tell you all of these details.

 

 

For them to betray her trust and run the risk of totally losing the friendship, they're either:

 

 

a) So disgusted by her behaviour and her continued deceit, that they can no longer be okay with watching you get played for a fool. They were disturbed by the fact that she lied to you and that you haven't left her, so they decided to do the right thing by telling you.

 

 

b) They hate her and want to destroy her marriage.

 

 

I'm gonna go with option a.

 

 

It's your choice to take her back, and I wish you luck. I still also believe that this is foolish. You are giving her a chance because you love her...she didn't love you enough not to fk another guy over and over, and lie to your face for this long. Get checked for STDs, and strap yourself in...I'm guessing this is going to be a very bumpy ride for you.

 

 

Good luck...you're definitely going to need it, and I'm very sorry that this has happened to you - I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing, and the pain that is still unfortunately yet to come.

[almond]

Im a little surprised at the harshness of the replies. A lot of marriages move past infidelity and when the roles are reversed (the man is the cheating partner) the advice is usually mich more constructive.

 

I dont agree that just because she chose to withhold details she cant be remorseful. Personally i cant see what there is to gain knowing the intimate details. Doggie or missionary, 5 times or 10, cheating is cheating. The underlying reasons that motivated her to do this are important and somehing you will need to address together to minimize the risk it happens again.

 

Who knows why her friends said that. maybe they are crappy friends. Maybe they have their own agendas. I cant imagine telling someones husband details about the sex acts their wife performed. WTF.

 

You are taking a risk to try to save the matriage but its not an unreasonable decision. Many couples move past this. Of course many others do not.. Id suggest a good counselor. Good luck.

 

The fact that you can't see the point of it is totally irrelevant, and this certainly does not justify more lies from the cheater. You may not see the point of all the details, but surely you can see the point of not lying to your spouse? Some people require details...others don't. This is totally up to the individual that has been betrayed, and they should be given the entire truth if they ask for it. They may need to know the extent of the cheating to decide whether they want to reconcile or not, or they may simply want to know it all so their head can stop filling in the blanks, tortured and wondering.

 

 

If you come clean, then come clean. Enough weakness and lies. If your spouse asks for the details, you need to give them. Minimizing your disgusting behaviour is just further poisoning your relationship with even more betrayal and lies. Give your spouse what they ask for - they know what they need, and it's not up to anyone else to decide what another grown adult - your supposed equal, requires in their own personal healing process.

[No Limit]

Divorce and run. Ready, get set, GO!

[SummerDreams]

Divorce and run. Ready, get set, GO!

 

The heart doesn't always listen to the mind. Thankfully, most of the times.

[kjohn]

The decision whether or not to continue with a relationship after an affair is a very personal choice.

 

Some can make it work, others cannot.

 

I can tell you, from personal experience, that it is very difficult to move past the hurt and fear once you have been betrayed so please, whatever you do, listen to your feelings and your gut instinct.

 

Three years before my marriage ended I suspected an affair. There was never any proof and my ex denied at all costs. Since I had nothing more to go on than my own suspicion, at that time I decided to stay.

 

It was at least 1.5 years before I started to feel comfortable trusting him again and I thought about/wondered about the suspected affair nearly every single day. It was hard on my mental state.

 

Then he did have an actual affair. He tried to deny that one as well but I found proof this time and it wasn't until I had caught him red-handed and had him backed into a corner that he admitted to it.

 

That was it for me. Once I had confirmation that there had been an affair, I didn't want or need to know any details. I didn't care how many times it had happened. Once was enough for me so I filed for divorce.

 

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide is best for you.

[Bittersweetie]

I'm a former WS who has reconciled with my H. And in the time after d-day, I worked my butt off for my H. He was the one in pain, because of my direct actions. I was transparent, open, and answered all his questions. I worked on myself, like, why did I think these actions were ok? Why was I so selfish and self centered? I did IC and a lot of self examination. I read books and message boards and journaled. I also worked on my marriage and building trust with my H. It was a long, hard road, but worth it, for us.

 

I agree with some PP, if she is still lying, it doesn't bode well. For a BS to even consider reconciliation, a WS has to be 100% all in, or it's not worth it. Is she 100% all in for you? Has she told you that?

 

And in regards to your specific question: does it really matter how many times they were together and what they did, or just the fact they slept together?

 

That is something only YOU can answer. There is no guidebook to tell you that "1 time is ok, but 2 is bad" or some such. It's all about you and how you want to move forward. For some men, any EA or sex is an automatic dealbreaker...totally understandable. For other men, moving forward depends on how the WS acts after d-day. There's no right answer, you have to choose the path that is best for you...not your wife, not your family, YOU.

 

Good luck.

[Confused48]

You have already decided to give her a second chance. That is fine and no one here has the right to dispute the validity of your decision to do that. You are in the best position to make that call.

 

However, why then are you asking if it makes a difference what positions they used in their affair or how many times they had sex? Those are the kinds of questions that are typically asked by someone who is thinking about whether or not to give the wayward spouse a second chance, or not. So you confuse the other readers here and lead them to want to advise you regarding that decision.

 

If you are committed to reconciling with your wife, why do you still want to know what others think about the sex positions and number of times she had sex with her affair partner? Could it be that you know that in time, you will want honest answers to these questions from your wife? Could it be that in time the answers to these questions could make you doubt your decision to take her back? BTW - you can always change your mind, even years later.

[SummerDreams]

You have already decided to give her a second chance. That is fine and no one here has the right to dispute the validity of your decision to do that. You are in the best position to make that call.

 

However, why then are you asking if it makes a difference what positions they used in their affair or how many times they had sex? Those are the kinds of questions that are typically asked by someone who is thinking about whether or not to give the wayward spouse a second chance, or not. So you confuse the other readers here and lead them to want to advise you regarding that decision.

 

If you are committed to reconciling with your wife, why do you still want to know what others think about the sex positions and number of times she had sex with her affair partner? Could it be that you know that in time, you will want honest answers to these questions from your wife? Could it be that in time the answers to these questions could make you doubt your decision to take her back? BTW - you can always change your mind, even years later.

 

I think he asked this in order to take a reply like "5 times doggie style does not really show a romantic connection, you should take her back".

 

Sometimes we can't totally understand what a poster really needs by asking a question. Maybe he just wanted to see the people's reactions, maybe he wanted to express to someone that he wants to forgive his wife, maybe it was some kind of rant or diary thing for him. He did it for his own reasons and lets hope we helped him with whatever he needed.

[sweet_pea]

I think this is something that you have to decide for yourself - whether the amount of times matter. Personally, once is enough to hurt but I can understand how multiple times, and discovering even more, can hurt even more. I agree with others that the lying about how many times is a much bigger issue right now. You should address that with her. Her being honest is very important if you want to successfully reconcile - I get that it's still early on and some people lie to cover their butts but you need to nip it in the bud now.

 

I will say, as a side note, I used to be very "pro-divorce" if you are cheated on but that has changed as I've realized that things can improve with hard work. It's kind of bothersome to see people put down OP and make him feel like he's "weak" or whatever because he chooses reconciliation. Reconciliation is a very personal choice and many relationships do recover, as evidence by BitterSweetie, for example, after infidelity. The man is already in pain over his wife's cheating, there is no reason to attack his choice to stay. He wants to give it a shot. Let it go.

[Esraem]

It will take a lot of work. my wife just filed for divorce after I took her back 18 months ago after she left and cheated on me. It is hard to forget. She has fallen into the same thing and though this one wasnt physical it was very emotional. I understand wanting her back. I still want to work it out with my wife. I want to keep our family together for us and our daughter.

[sammy7111]

I can't get how people can say that some of the best relationships a come after affairs. The best would be to work own it before cheating. It's a stupid say there cheating will always be in the spouses mind. There will always be doubt and once there's boudt

You can never change it.

[jbrent890]

I think this is something that you have to decide for yourself - whether the amount of times matter. Personally, once is enough to hurt but I can understand how multiple times, and discovering even more, can hurt even more. I agree with others that the lying about how many times is a much bigger issue right now. You should address that with her. Her being honest is very important if you want to successfully reconcile - I get that it's still early on and some people lie to cover their butts but you need to nip it in the bud now.

 

I will say, as a side note, I used to be very "pro-divorce" if you are cheated on but that has changed as I've realized that things can improve with hard work. It's kind of bothersome to see people put down OP and make him feel like he's "weak" or whatever because he chooses reconciliation. Reconciliation is a very personal choice and many relationships do recover, as evidence by BitterSweetie, for example, after infidelity. The man is already in pain over his wife's cheating, there is no reason to attack his choice to stay. He wants to give it a shot. Let it go.

 

That really depends on the situation. When you have a wayward that continues to lie even after getting caught and you don't even consider divorce, then yes, I call that weakness. I am a firm believer that if you have to catch your spouse in an affair, then you should divorce. If he chooses to stay, he is going to have to accept the fact that he will never know the full truth about her affair. If she is lying now, then she will continue to keep things from him.

[sweet_pea]

That really depends on the situation. When you have a wayward that continues to lie even after getting caught and you don't even consider divorce, then yes, I call that weakness. I am a firm believer that if you have to catch your spouse in an affair, then you should divorce. If he chooses to stay, he is going to have to accept the fact that he will never know the full truth about her affair. If she is lying now, then she will continue to keep things from him.

 

Ok, and as I said, I don't think it's fair to call someone who literally only discovered the affair a month ago weak for choosing to reconcile. Not everyone decides what they want to do immediately and people change their minds about reconciling or divorcing as time goes on. He has chosen to stay. That doesn't make him weak. It takes a strong person to attempt reconciliation, in my opinion.

 

Him choosing to reconcile wasn't even the question at hand and was never anything he needed addressing. If you don't believe in reconciling, that's fine, but there's no reason to talk down to him for a personal choice. Once again, if you read my post, I did say her lying was bad and it was something that he needed to nip in the bud and address pronto if he wanted successful reconciliation.

[sandylee1]

To learn the meaning of the word "cuckold".

 

Is this really necessary?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Your wife's crime is stepping outside the marriage period. Not what she did during sex or how many times they did it. It ALL hurts and is devastating.

 

No one here knows you or your wife or your relationship. Many here will resist any attempt to reconcile with a cheater. They cannot imagine why anyone would want to do that. You have to decide if your wife is worth it and only you can decide that. If she is doing enough (and only you can decide what that means) then reconciliation is possible.

 

But it's not going to be a slow or easy process and the the women that you are reconciling with has to be worth it. And if she is then you have to give 110% just like she does. I can tell you from experience that it's painful and you will be filled with doubt every day but some couples do survive and I'm told it can be better than ever.

[LifeWasted]

Yes she is and yes she is. She does know the devastation that she brought upon me and has since made it very clear it will never happen again

 

What is she doing to get to the bottom of her cheating? Counseling?

 

What is she doing to make herself a safe spouse?

[fellini]

for me the issue of how and why she was in an affair not doing doggy or missionary comes first.

 

Trouble is lying after dday is part of the process.

She has been lying up to now, so the first task is to turn off the lies.

 

Dday is not necessarily a lie detection switch. Dday doesn't turn off the deception. It continues it but with a revised agenda: damage control.

 

When you have both done the work, and can get to the point where she "gets it", then you can judge her on her ability to tell the truth, but not before.

 

She needs to understand, and the sooner the better, that she has to "get it" soon. Because the longer it takes her to get on board the earlier and more frequently you are going to want to call it quits. what would help is to get her to understand that the sooner you believe that only the truth comes out, as you ask for it, and in fact, that she can offer it unsolicited, the easier it will be for you to feel confident in your decision to reconcile.

 

To resist getting on board she risks ending the marriage in the short run, just to save face today.

[jwi71]

My question is does it really matter how many times they were together and what they did, or just the fact they slept together?

 

Only YOU know if it matters. Does it?

 

I find the "details" don't really matter and the desire to know them is one of individual choice - but I would add the "details" tend to do more harm than good.

 

If you need them...or if they make a difference for YOU...than proceed accordingly.

 

...and I wouldn't get too worked up over lies right after D-day. Normal and par for the course really. If, after some time has passed and the lies persist then you have a problem. Or not. Its up to you really.

[Grapesofwrath]

I think this is a very personal matter. If you would have been okay with 5 episodes of extramarital sex, but not more, then it's an issue for you. And you're the only one that matters here. If you would have been okay with doggy style, but not missionary position, same answer. It depends on what matters TO YOU.

 

Personally, I would care more that she was less than completely forthcoming about what occurred, numbers and positions aside. If you asked her for details, and she didn't give a full accounting, I think that's more worrisome because it indicates a continued desire to minimize the situation, avoid full responsibility, and manage your reaction to her.

 

I would not put my faith in her promise to never do this again. What else is she going to say? Is she going to tell you, "Well...once the storm passes and you seem to be over the worst of it, I'll probably do this again?" Of course not. If she wants to keep the relationship going, she is going to say whatever she thinks you want to hear. Including a heavily edited version of what really went on.

[BetrayedH]

I initially discovered about a dozen hotel stays. My wife then admitted to it being more like 30. Once I became an amateur private investigator, I found it to be more like 60-70.

 

The problem wasn't the number of times but that even after she was caught and repeatedly told me that I knew the full truth and that she'd never lie to me again (with a river of tears coming from her eyes), she was still lying.

 

How could I ever trust her again when she couldn't quit lying to me even after all of this horrible drama?

[lolablue17]

Yes, it matters how many times they did it, how they did it and for how long.

 

1. For example - If it was just once, it means that she took the wrong decision in one point, and realized her mistake. But if it happen other times, it means that she's decided to cheat each and every time again and again. it's different than one night stand.

 

2. It also important if she stopped only after you caught her. Because I tend to suspect the total honesty of people who feel remorse only after getting caught.

 

3. If it was only doggy style, maybe she wants to show you that it was just basic instinct passionate sex and not love. Maybe that what she feels missing in your marriage? maybe the sex with you is not so passionate, and she needs to be taken and be controlled by an ALPHA male?

 

To avoid another cheating the last thing that counts now is her promise not to cheat again, It just doesn't hold. To avoid future cheating it's very important to track the reasons for her cheating. So yes. How many times and how it matters to understand the "why".

 

4. When you, as a BS says something like "This is the first time she ever did it, and i have many sources assuring that fact", It's a strong evidence that you

live in a heavy denial. Allow me to question your solid knowledge. You know nothing. She may have cheated only once, and she may have cheated 10 times with ten guys for years. When you're dealing with a cheater and a liar, I wouldn't be so positive about any word she says.

 

5. If the only reason she will stop cheating is because "She saw how devastated and in pain you are", then you must be worried. Because her extra love to you right now makes her saying all what she thinks will help you heal.

 

But some day she will be angry with you, maybe some distance between you two... So on those days she will care much less about you. And a minute ago you declared that the only reason that will stop her from cheating is ____ ____ ____. So that reason doesn't stand. It's a weak promise.

 

6. You give her a another chance - with NO PRICE! She enjoyed\you suffer. So i see no real barrier to cheat again. And don't try to sell me her guilt as the only protection you have. Guilt feeling is temporary.

Edited April 16, 2015 by lolablue17

[bubbaganoosh]

Hi everyone I am new here and just had a question that I hope can be answered.

 

I discovered my wife was having an affair about a month ago. It had gone on for 2 months before I found out. We are still together and working through the issue.

 

She told me that they only slept together about 5 times and it was doggie style only no kissing. Well now some of her friends have come forward to tell me it was way more than 5 times and alot more than doggie style.

 

My question is does it really matter how many times they were together and what they did, or just the fact they slept together?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. This is something that I just cant figure out

 

If it's me, its' one a done. When she told you they only did it doggie style then if it was me I would have thrown her belongings out in the yard then whistled for her and said "Go Fetch". The closed the door and be done with it.

[road]

It's possible for people to make mistakes and be sorry for them, but it's not possible for people to make mistakes and be sorry for them while lying about them.

 

 

No that is not so. They can be sorry and at the same minimize what they did to lessen the blow for their BH.

 

 

This BH needs to schedule a polygraph test for their WW to get the whole truth.

Edited April 17, 2015 by road

[jen1447]

They can be sorry and at the same minimize what they did to lessen the blow for their BH.

I'm suspicious of any such motivations, because lying to a loved one is never actually doing them any favors. Much more likely it's to lessen the guilt for themselves than to lessen any blows for anyone else.

 

Absolute honesty is required to move past an affair, and that requires genuine remorse, and anyone who's still lying or telling half truths at that point isn't fully remorseful. Lack of remorse means it can happen again. Pretty simple equation imo.

[merrmeade]

Hi everyone I am new here and just had a question that I hope can be answered.

 

I discovered my wife was having an affair about a month ago. It had gone on for 2 months before I found out. We are still together and working through the issue.

 

She told me that they only slept together about 5 times and it was doggie style only no kissing. Well now some of her friends have come forward to tell me it was way more than 5 times and alot more than doggie style.

 

My question is does it really matter how many times they were together and what they did, or just the fact they slept together?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. This is something that I just cant figure out

So weird what happens to the brains of betrayed spouses after d-day.

 

While I was abroad, watching circumstances develop that threw my husband and sister-in-law alone together for days at a time, I thought of the possibility of infidelity and thought that, if it happened, my future would be decided quickly. That is, I had no doubt I'd drop him like a hotcake and walk away brushing the dust off my hands cheered on by the rest of the world

 

The reality was nothing like that. When it happened, I never remembered any of these thoughts. I was devastated, in shock for months, humiliated, in disbelief. I convinced myself that he was someone he was not and never would be. I projected him into whatever I read and thought we could change everything because he was so remorseful. He 'played' remorseful because he the script was in the book he'd also read, and he clearly believed it himself.

 

I think he realized he wasn't going to be able to follow the script fairly quickly when he could not divulge the other affairs. He almost did the one day I went to sleep in a motel. But, nope, he couldn't and I gave in. He did not consider IC and did not think he had to change because I repeatedly caved first. He liked therapists who called what he'd done 'acting out' (and, therefore, 'normal'). I'll stop there.

 

Point is - Both the betrayed and wayward spouses are not in their right minds immediately after d-day. I think of it as brain freeze, full or partial. Some brain activity is there but clinging to skewed logic. For example, there is nothing logical about deciding that the key question, after finding out your wife cheated and lied to you, is: "... does it really matter how many times they were together and what they did, or just the fact they slept together?" As if there were a guidebook that, once consulted, will give the answer and fix your world.

 

My actions were just as self-defeating. We all did stupid stuff, but I really think the going crazy angry stupid is healthier than brain freeze stupid.