Embrace Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Hey All, Looking for some help... I've started seeing a guy (we've met a few times) but he is extremely quiet! I know a bit about his history, and he has been cheated on by his two ex's which I think has something to do with it, but it has gotten to a point where its just very awkward! The last time we met, I suggested we went to an arcade (as I thought it would be good as there's lots going on/lots to talk about). He literally just stood there the whole time, not saying a word, not playing on any machines etc... Was very awkward. I thought maybe there is too many people for him, so suggested we went to a cafe afterwards. We got to a cafe, wasn't too busy which was nice and I thought maybe he'd be more open then. Nope... Still not really making any conversation. Asked him if he wanted a drink and he said no, so I just got my own drink and as soon as I got back, he got up and got something. The relationships I've had in the past have always been great. I've enjoyed the dates and always had a laugh/good banter with my boyfriends, but literally there is nothing there with him. It's a shame as I do want it to work, he's not bad looking, got a nice family, got a good job etc but there is literally no chemistry. Shall I try to see him again (even though it sometimes feels like a chore when it is so awkward). Or just accept that there is no chemistry? I messaged him last night to say that Iam a bit worried that we are too different from each other and he replied 'Oh well I was actually going to ask you to be my girlfriend...' I literally have no idea what to say to that?! We haven't kissed or anything and most of the dates, I've had to pay for myself (not saying that a man has to pay for dates but you know..) Anyone got any suggestions?!
Buddhist Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 He sounds autistic to be honest. But for what it's worth, dating shouldn't be getting blood out of a stone. And anyone who isn't completely socially retarded should be aware that when out on a date, you don't act like you're alone. If someone's trying to talk to you, you talk back until you find a topic of mutual interest. It's not like you met up with one of your friends and gave them your attention leaving him out in the cold and he had reason to sit there like a stuffed penguin. This guy sounds too hard. Imagine if you take him up on his offer to be his girlfriend and every time you spend together is just like this. 2
Author Embrace Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 He sounds autistic to be honest. But for what it's worth, dating shouldn't be getting blood out of a stone. And anyone who isn't completely socially retarded should be aware that when out on a date, you don't act like you're alone. If someone's trying to talk to you, you talk back until you find a topic of mutual interest. It's not like you met up with one of your friends and gave them your attention leaving him out in the cold and he had reason to sit there like a stuffed penguin. This guy sounds too hard. Imagine if you take him up on his offer to be his girlfriend and every time you spend together is just like this. That's what I was worried about! It's nice to know its not just me that thinks its a bit weird though. I thought maybe because I wasn't experienced in dating that sometimes it takes a while for attraction etc, but maybe its not normal at all! Thank you.
neowulf Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Here's a thread I posted recently you might find useful; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/523884-how-many-dates-without-attraction-before-you-give-up Generally speaking, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Forcing things just wastes both your time.
Author Embrace Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Here's a thread I posted recently you might find useful; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/523884-how-many-dates-without-attraction-before-you-give-up Generally speaking, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Forcing things just wastes both your time. That link is very helpful, thank you! Please tell me his actions are not normal though... I'm thinking I'm being too harsh?
neowulf Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 That link is very helpful, thank you! Please tell me his actions are not normal though... I'm thinking I'm being too harsh? You're couching the statement incorrectly. It's not about "right" and "wrong" in dating. It's more like a "key" and "lock". People have to fit together, be compatible. Just because you're not compatible with a person, doesn't automatically make them a "bad" person. Or you for simply acknowledging you're not a good match for each other. From what you described, the chemistry just wasn't there for you two. It isn't a big deal. Most dates will end that way. Just chalk it up to experience and move on. 1
Gary S Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Your date reminds me of what happens when one of my foreign dates does not speak English well... I can't banter and play with them. It's kinda like talkin' to a rock. A relationship is a freindship on fire. If you can't even be freinds, what's the point? 3
katiegrl Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 That link is very helpful, thank you! Please tell me his actions are not normal though... I'm thinking I'm being too harsh? I agree with Buddhist, it sounds like he may be autistic - Aspergers perhaps. That said, even if his actions were "normal" and he *were* saying and doing all the *right* things, it you don't feel chemistry, that's OKAY! No need to feel bad or harsh about that, chemistry is either there or it's not, you are either feeling it or you're not. You cannot control how you feel, but what you *can* control is what you DO. And since you are NOT feeling chemistry with him, what you should DO is stop seeing him. Again, absolutely no need to feel harsh (or guilty) about it. As long as you are honest (just tell him you don't feel enough chemistry to move forward). Good luck! 3
Author Embrace Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Thanks for all the help guys, I appreciate it. I guess I know in my heart that if there was going to be chemistry, there would be now but I'm only 21 and have chronic health problems so I feel that getting into a relationship is unlikely as I never really meet new people! But if its not there, its not there
Penguin_hugs Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Unfortunately you can't force chemistry. I tried twice- I went a few dates with 2 really nice guys. Nothing *wrong* with them- so I went on a few more dates. But there was just nothing there- but I felt like I should like them because they were decent people. But I moved on. Eventually met my current BF and I knew instantly that there was a spark. If you don't have a spark quickly- it's unlikely that you will ever get one with that person.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Unfortunately you can't force chemistry. I tried twice- I went a few dates with 2 really nice guys. Nothing *wrong* with them- so I went on a few more dates. But there was just nothing there- but I felt like I should like them because they were decent people. But I moved on. Eventually met my current BF and I knew instantly that there was a spark. If you don't have a spark quickly- it's unlikely that you will ever get one with that person. When a woman isn't interested, a guy is "nice". But notice that she isn't calling her BF that. Haha Just another interesting phenomenon in the male/female dating dynamic. Once a man learns more about women, how to interact with them, etc he understands what was wrong with his behavior before. But it's gotta be frustrating growing up to hear that you're "nice" by every woman that rejects you. They all must be wondering "Well if I'm nice, why don't you want me?" What I would love is to see every day women hosting seminars educating the average guy on how to be the right type of nice and not the one that gets followed by a "but".
neowulf Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Thanks for all the help guys, I appreciate it. I guess I know in my heart that if there was going to be chemistry, there would be now but I'm only 21 and have chronic health problems so I feel that getting into a relationship is unlikely as I never really meet new people! But if its not there, its not there You're still young. A chronic illness is a difficult challenge to live with, but love finds people in all points in life. Just keep going on dates, getting out there and trying to meet new people. I'm sure it'll come together for you.
Penguin_hugs Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 When a woman isn't interested, a guy is "nice". But notice that she isn't calling her BF that. Haha Just another interesting phenomenon in the male/female dating dynamic. Once a man learns more about women, how to interact with them, etc he understands what was wrong with his behavior before. But it's gotta be frustrating growing up to hear that you're "nice" by every woman that rejects you. They all must be wondering "Well if I'm nice, why don't you want me?" What I would love is to see every day women hosting seminars educating the average guy on how to be the right type of nice and not the one that gets followed by a "but". I'm not sure that was quite what I meant- my BF is a very nice guy- more so than the others- and you can't claim it's confidence because he is one of the shyest people I have ever met and didn't talk to me for the first 10 mins of our date- he froze and just nodded his head. But there was something else. Probably his high level of intelligence when he did speak as I am a sapiophile.
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