Staying strong to end an affair!

[stupidcow]

Counseller said I have Borderline Personality Disorder btw

[LifeWasted]

I haven't called the police I think I deserved it - i deserved more even than that

 

You deserved to be dumped by your BF, but not smacked around. Hate SOBs like him.. He needs to have a sock party done on him. Prick.

[elaine567]

OK he hit you, who is to say he is not going to get angrier and hit you again.

Leaving abusive men is the most dangerous time, make sure you have friends and family alerted and go to a safe place tonight and let him calm down.

Your son may also be in danger here especially if he resorts to alcohol or drugs.

I would advice leaving ASAP.

[Lurkeraspect]

With your self defeatist attitude, I almost didn't want to respond to you, as I feel you'll just continue on with your reasons and excuses why you deserve to live with an abusive ass. So...if you can't leave because you've resigned yourself that you deserve anything your abusive husband doles out, why not put yourself aside and think of your son.

 

You've claimed that your husband is a fantastic father, but come on, how exatly is that possible? He most certainly is NOT a fantastic father as he abuses this child's mother. So unless you want your son to grow up modeling his crap behavior, becoming a potential abuser himself, you need to collect your child and leave. Today.

 

You may believe that you're useless and deserve whatever, but why resign your child to the same fate?

[LifeWasted]

Is this what they call stockholm syndrome?

[dreamingoftigers]

Counseller said I have Borderline Personality Disorder btw

 

This makes sense.

 

Continue with the CBT, it gets better.

 

Your life will get better the more that you are slowly able to take care of yourself.

 

You are not broken. I know it just sounds like words.

 

You just haven't learned the skills yet to manage your feelings and relationships.

 

I too was diagnosed with BPD at 20.

 

It feels like life is a series of waves that knock you down and not connected to your choices. Criticism is devastating and floods you. You feel manipulated by others and then afraid of being alone forever. Yet you feel at fault for other's poor behaviour but not your own because you feel like you had no other choice.

 

It's hard as Hell.

 

I guarantee you that you have not felt how good life can be, and not because you are broken or stupid or whatever. But because somewhere along the line someone abused the Hell out of you in childhood and told you it was your fault they "had to do this to you" or made excuses for it.

 

It means that once you learn the skill sets that CBT teaches you, your brain starts to produce more balanced feel-good chemicals that your peers take for granted. It is not too late. You don't need to be alone and you don't need to die, even though it feels that way.

 

You are going to become the woman you always wanted to be. You are. You are going to fall down and have some failure on the way. Expect that. It is going to feel overwhelming and shameful. Expect that. And you are going to judge yourself harshly. Expect that too.

 

But most of all, expect to get better and expect your life to get better.

 

What happened to you to make you feel this low to begin with was NOT your fault. And since then you have been clawing your way through to just survive. Now that you know what it is that hurts so bad, you can slowly, ever ever so slowly confront it day by day. It feel look overwhelming. But I GUARANTEE you that each task and each step is easier and easier when you realize that love and self-love is not hurting anyone else and is not a betrayal of anyone else. And love isn't something you need to suffer for. You do not need to punish yourself to feel love come from someone.

 

Someone ahead of you is waiting to really love and accept you. Someone ahead of you is waiting for you to love them too, and they really want you to show up. But he can't do that until you accept yourself and love yourself. It's so hard at first. Like coming out of a deep dark prison and adjusting to the daylight, but you will adjust and then you will not feel the bright light hurting your eyes. You will feel warmth and comfort like a soft blanket. Just take one small step and think of one thing you are grateful for. One small thing. And do one small thing nice for yourself. Just to show yourself that you care.

 

And you do not need to be rescued. Except from your ex. Because he's ****ing crazy. Get away from him.

 

Seriously. You got your diagnosis. It's hard to hear. It's hard to hear the flack and it feels awful. That's okay.

 

I am so serious. I guarantee you I was in that same dark prison. I wanted to die so bad to end the pain and the flooding. There is something beyond that and you do get away from both the prison and the flooding. It will end. It isn't a life sentence when you practice the skills.

[dreamingoftigers]

Is this what they call stockholm syndrome?

 

Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

They aren't a series of excuses to her.

 

Her reality is framed by it. It's like PTSD on steroids. You feel like everything is falling down around you all of the time because you are inadequate. You alternate between feeling responsible for everything to saying "oh eff it, I can't handle this" and do whatever you can to feel better and then you feel shame and guilt over it. And beat yourself up. Then you feel pathetic and helpless for having beat yourself up.

 

The one solace you feel is when someone first loves you without expectation. Because you feel like you will disappoint their expectations. You try to be everything to them. Then they want a little independence and you feel abandoned, like you lost the only good thing on the planet, even if they go to work and don't text you all day, if they usually do. Stuff like that. You feel like you are almost stuck in a waiting room all day for your partner to get home.

 

Then at the same time you resent them having any expectation on you, because you can't handle much of the ordinary day to day stuff because of the stress etc. Only 1/3 of BPD people ever consistently work, for instance. You get emotionally flooded, try to turn to a partner but it is so up and down that often a partner can't relate to it at all and doesn't understand. So you end up resenting them. It's really draining too.

 

Couple that with actively being abused and you just shut down on all fronts. It's frigging awful. I had EMDR therapy and it stopped the "emotional flooding" as I call it. It literally changed the way that I perceive the world. My brain became much more balanced. And it still isn't emotionally at par. But honestly, I went through some very terrible things after EMDR that would sink the average person and I came through it okay.

 

That was because living day to day with active BPD was so much more painful than say, losing my child and separating from my husband after therapy.

 

I am not kidding. I would rather live one year of crappy circumstance than one week with full-blown BPD again. Truth be told, I couldn't even guarantee that I would survive it because the impulse to end one's life comes on so strong and quick.

 

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't had it.

[LifeWasted]

I though BPD was more heinous. I thought BPDers were manipulative and exceedingly selfish to the point of being destructive towards others.

[dreamingoftigers]

I though BPD was more heinous. I thought BPDers were manipulative and exceedingly selfish to the point of being destructive towards others.

 

Yes.

 

Just like Schizophrenics can talk to the animals. (ARG, not the best example OP)

 

It looks a lot different from the inside than the outside.

 

That's generally the case. I was a pathological liar. I felt if anyone knew the "truth about me" they would see everything awful about me.

 

And frankly, with BPD, you feel like everyone is lying to you and manipulating you emotionally day in and day out. You believe that, the level of that varies. Again, it is challenging to explain.

 

In a way you know that intellectually you are hurting people, but you think that they are all so much stronger than you and can see how much you are hurting and can handle it all, whereas you can't and you think they know you can't. So they are just "making you feel bad" for trying to help yourself feel not only better, but even okay.

 

Like I could have cheated on someone and felt like it was less than him being 15 minutes late on the way home because "he knows what that does to me." And if he told me he was really hurt by it, I would think, "but I was really really hurt by him being late and that's why I cheated to begin with."

 

But on the other hand. You think if you move their shoes to the wrong side of the door, they will leave you alone forever. You are constantly guarding the little things, messing up the big things, trying to cover it up and then resenting 'having to.'

 

Just trust me, it isn't contagious and you don't want it.

[autumnnight]

I though BPD was more heinous. I thought BPDers were manipulative and exceedingly selfish to the point of being destructive towards others.

 

From what I understand, the ones that people with BPD are most cruel to are themselves. Of course, a lot of times it isn't the people with BPD that people tend to care about. Sadly, the OP's remark about deserving worse is probably partly a reflection of what she has heard and what many people feel.

[velvette]

I haven't called the police I think I deserved it - i deserved more even than that

 

I don't know who told you or taught you to think like this, but no you do not deserve to be hit.

 

 

No one deserves to be hit unless they are threatening violence to someone else and they are hit in self defense.

 

 

Call the police and press charges. If you don't, he will probably hit you again.

[stupidcow]

Thankyou for the long posts on bpd I have my second counselling session this week and she's starting DBT with me?

 

My partner and I are still in same house in diff rooms the thought of him leaving makes me want to die, but I'm also scared of him and I know the relationship is a wreck.

 

He texted me from his bedroom tonight saying come and sit on my cock bitch then come suck my cock. I replied he could **** me as I have no sex drive he said no I had to make the effort guilt tripping me now I have promised him sexual favours tomorrow even tho I don't want to cos I feel so guilty over what I have done.

 

I cut myself again im a train wreck I can't give him what he wants but I think I might die without him x

[wizer]

Put a lock on your door so he can't get in.

[stupidcow]

So he just came in a had sex with me and gone back to his room he said sorry but he had too. 4 hours and I have to be up for work God knows how I will get through tomorrow

[dreamingoftigers]

So he just came in a had sex with me and gone back to his room he said sorry but he had too. 4 hours and I have to be up for work God knows how I will get through tomorrow

 

Okay,

 

I know that there is a very good chance that you won't leave on your own and if you do, that you will pop right back anyway.

 

There is not much hope in explaining all of the ways that this is toxic to you. etc.

 

I know that no one could have talked to me about relationships, self-worth, leaving, etc.

 

Please talk to your DBT therapist about this next week. Underline it.

 

You know that you will have trouble hiding it from her anyway as your therapy progresses.

 

The chemicals in your brain are causing you to freeze up and accept whatever is coming at you. They are also making you terrified of him leaving.

 

I guarantee you, you will survive this and it is temporary pain that is NOT as bad as you think it will be. It is BAD but not as bad as you think it will be.

 

As well, I don't know if you have enough posts to PM yet, but if you do I will look up your area and forward you a distress center number if you are not up to doing it yourself.

 

When the impulse strikes to self-harm. CALL THE DISTRESS LINE.

 

You and I both know that it lasts maybe half an hour and you can't predict when it is coming. Some operators are better than others, if you have to call multiple times in one night, do it.

 

Try to do it from a cell phone though. Or else you end up doing the hospital rodeo. Ugh. And that's relatively useless. The DBT is the gold, not the hospital stays.

[GirlStillStrong]

Please, you need to see a doctor and tell them about these suicidal thoughts. They are not normal and they mean you are having a medical issue, a medical emergency and you need help dealing with this emergency. You cannot do this alone. You are NOT better off dead!! You need to get serious with yourself and see that this guy who is calling you and saying he can't live without you is desperate and needy and he is pulling you down. You need to understand what I have come to know about these people: THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH; this is YOU versus HIM, a battle for your one precious life. Who are you going to choose? I don't mean kill him or harm him, I mean CHOOSE YOU!! You need to get yourself strong and talking to this guy or having him in your life means death to you. FIGHT! Fight for your life! I have experienced this in the past and came to see it like this: Life is like you are swimming and need to get from one place to another but this guy keeps pulling you under. You cannot save your self when you have someone who is under water and has grabbed you by the leg! He is dead weight. Shake him off! Stop talking to him: Go No Contact from him. Please call the doctor tomorrow. If you do not have a doctor you can go to, go to the emergency room.