samantha303 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I have been having a lot of issues with my boyfriend of a year and 3 months. I actually posted a thread here about him being emotionally abusive http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/512108-my-boyfriend-makes-me-feel-like-loser (thank you everyone for your replies). Later on he got on being a bit physically abusive but he's promised to change this and has made the effort to change. However it was too late and I already cheated on him. I had no idea why I'd do this and I didn't even like the guy. But later on he started to develop feelings for me and wanted a relationship. I started to like this guy and the way he said how I should leave my boyfriend cause he is abusive he will never change etc make me question my life and my relationship with my bf. But I never wanted to leave my bf. I had sex with this guy three times until my bf found out from our text messages. This sort of affair lasted for 3 weeks. I feel really sad. I love my bf to death. Although things weren't working out well in our relatonship but I always had faith. Now I made a terrible terrible mistake and I want to know what I should do to get him back. I feel so sad I just want to kill myself. Please help me!
EgoJoe Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Don't kill yourself. Seek help. Sounds like a convoluted situation, forgive yourself.
hunk Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Nothing more to say here really, the relationship is totally over, there's no point trying to work on it because it's a complete mess and is destroyed. There's nothing to work on. He was physically abusive and you cheated on him 3 (three) times. Stop wasting your time/emotional resources on this cos it's completely done. If you got back together it would last 1 month maximum. There is no hope for this ever working, ever. Cut him off, leave him alone and start healing and moving on. Do this or remain in self-inflicted misery for absolutely no reason.
Author samantha303 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Don't kill yourself. Seek help. Sounds like a convoluted situation, forgive yourself. I dont want to forgive myself i want him back please help me
Author samantha303 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Nothing more to say here really, the relationship is totally over, there's no point trying to work on it because it's a complete mess and is destroyed. There's nothing to work on. He was physically abusive and you cheated on him 3 (three) times. Stop wasting your time/emotional resources on this cos it's completely done. If you got back together it would last 1 month maximum. There is no hope for this ever working, ever. Cut him off, leave him alone and start healing and moving on. Do this or remain in self-inflicted misery for absolutely no reason. He has changed and stopped the abuse. I can see he's making effort although not enough to make a significant changes. I dont want to lose him I really really love him
Riptide91 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 First off, I'm going to say something im sure you're going to get a lot of: you should never let a man hit you and if he does that is not a relationship you should ever want. Leave it now. Next, I don't respect cheating in any case, why mess with two peoples feelings? That's hurtful to all parties involved. It sounds like you need to take a step back and look at both these relationships, one is abusive and obviously not working if you cheated on him, and the other was doomed from the start. Get away from both of these and reassess your life and priorities, after you've figured that out then perhaps you can reconcile with the one you cheated with, but DO NOT stay with the abusive one, that's asinine. My advice, don't mean to be blunt, but come on, have some self worth. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I don't think the OP's ex hits her physically. He was emotionally abusive. Did I get that right? Not that emotional abuse is any less detrimental. But girl, the best thing you can do is to work on yourself. I say get yourself to counselling and figure your **** out before being with anyone. Your relationships will always be miserable until you fix yourself. You need to assess why you are willing to be mistreated and are very hungry to be loved and avoid being alone at any cost. It sounds like you have a void within yourself that you are trying to fill. And if you continue on the path you're on, you will always find yourself with **** men that don't respect you, because you don't respect yourself. I know you're hurting, and I'm very sorry that you are. But really, this^^ is the best way to healing. I don't think anyone here is going to advise you on how to get your bf back. 2
Author samantha303 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 I don't think the OP's ex hits her physically. He was emotionally abusive. Did I get that right? Not that emotional abuse is any less detrimental. But girl, the best thing you can do is to work on yourself. I say get yourself to counselling and figure your **** out before being with anyone. Your relationships will always be miserable until you fix yourself. You need to assess why you are willing to be mistreated and are very hungry to be loved and avoid being alone at any cost. It sounds like you have a void within yourself that you are trying to fill. And if you continue on the path you're on, you will always find yourself with **** men that don't respect you, because you don't respect yourself. I know you're hurting, and I'm very sorry that you are. But really, this^^ is the best way to healing. I don't think anyone here is going to advise you on how to get your bf back. He did hit me physically but he felt so horrible and he never touched me again, even after finding out i have cheated on him. I've never loved anyone more. I really just want advice on how to get him back i dont want healing
hunk Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 No one here is going to tell you how to do that because no one knows. I doubt anyone here is going to tell you that getting back with him is even plausible or a good idea. You cheated on him 3 times he's not coming back. The trust in your relationship is gone and you've broken the relationship in a fundamental way that can't be recovered from, you guys sound about 18 so neither of you have the emotional tools to even think about beginning to work this out properly. You need to sort yourself out before you go looking for another relationship. The only advice you're gonna get here is to let it go.
TunaCat Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 OP, I'm sorry you're hurting. I really, really am, but you are not going to get many people telling you how to get him back. He is abusive. I don't care if he only hit you once, he still hit you. Please get that through your head. He was also emotionally abusive. That's not okay. By you still pining for this guy, you are saying that it's okay that he's emotionally & physically abusive. Please have enough self worth to realize that you deserve so much better. I'm not even going to touch on the cheating thing. Have the self respect to walk away from the abusive boyfriend AND the man you cheated on him with. I know this probably sounds harsh, but I'm all about the tough love. 1
Ruby65 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Later on he got on being a bit physically abusive but he's promised to change this and has made the effort to change. I don't think there's ever been an abuser who DIDN'T promise to change. In no way should you have anything to do with this man. Emotional abusers.... physical abusers.... can all too easily become wife and girlfriend killers. UNLESS he's gone through intense therapy for his abuse, you don't want to be with this guy anyway. Left to his own, abusers always get worse -- NEVER better. This behavior only escalates with time. I'd say you dodged a bullet -- BIG TIME. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 He has changed and stopped the abuse. I can see he's making effort although not enough to make a significant changes. I dont want to lose him I really really love him If you really love him your perception of love is deluded. You are mistaking co-dependency for love. 4
No Limit Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Get into counseling to figure out why you run from one jerk into the next and then find a decent new BF. And don't cheat on him. 1
seminoles84 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 You sounds very young and dependent. Curious how old you and your bf are.
Friskyone4u Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 you DO NOT stay with a man that hits you EVER!!!!! Emotional abuse is one thing. Physical abuse is a totally different animal. your boyfriend is not coming back, and although you do not accept it now it is a good thing. That is because at some point, even if you manipulated him back, true ANGER is going to set in. That could put you in big time danger of getting hurt, and I do not mean emotionally. you are obviously young, so learn a lesson. When you next relationship develops problems, and they all do, the answer is NOT to get into bed with another man. it does have consequences. learn your lesson. 3
oldshirt Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 However it was too late and I already cheated on him. I had no idea why I'd do this and I didn't even like the guy. I had sex with this guy three times until my bf found out from our text messages. This sort of affair lasted for 3 weeks. I'll make a deal with ya. I'll give you some pointers and advice on how to get him back if you can tell me how I can become a guy that chicks won't like and won't want a relationship with but will still screw me 3 times while they have a boyfriend. (Actually, since you got busted by your BF, we have to assume you would've kept screwing the other guy so in that case if you can teach me how to be the kind of guy that can screw chicks that have BF s even though they don't like me or want a relationship with me, I'll help you with your BF) 2
PaperCrane Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Run. Seriously. Pick up one leg and place it in front of the other, follow suit with opposite leg. Do this until all parties involved in this are no longer in sight. You'll probably cross some bridges on your running travels. Make sure to bring a zippo so you can set them on fire. You'll thank me later. 2
Chi townD Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 He's emotional and physically abusive and you are dying to get him back. Boggles the mind. Starting to think that we're only getting one side of the story. Perhaps maybe you were just as emotionally and physically abusive to him? Because, I have no idea why you wouldn't be happy as snot to be out of that situation otherwise. 1
kendahke Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I dont want to forgive myself i want him back please help me That's a wide chasm to jump here. You can't have him back unless he wants to come back and from what you've written, he doesn't sound like he wants to do that. You have to accept where things are, your role in where you find yourself and take steps to never do something that will end up putting you opposite to that which you say you want most. No one can tell you how to get him back if he doesn't want to come back. All we can do is tell you how to move on and learn from this.
devilish innocent Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Your previous thread was started just a few months ago, and you said he's been abusive since then. That's maybe enough time for him to have taken a short break in abuse. It's certainly not enough time for the abuse to have ended. Besides, if he's just "making the effort", that's not enough for his abusive tendencies to stop. He would need to get into treatment to change. That's not what he was doing, so it would have continued. You're lucky he didn't do anything when he found out you cheated. That doesn't mean he wouldn't. Even sweet guys get really mad after their girlfriends have sex with another guy. This isn't the sort of the anger that will end in a few days. It can go on for years. You're lucky he left you because otherwise you would be in even more danger. If you really want to help yourself, then the best thing you can do is to cut off all contact with him and focus on moving on.
Satu Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 He did hit me physically but he felt so horrible and he never touched me again, even after finding out i have cheated on him. I've never loved anyone more. *I really just want advice on how to get him back i don't want healing *There is no magic that can make someone want you. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 You shouldn't be asking how to get him back, rather WHY you want him back in the first place. He was emotionally abusive for months, making you feel terrible for your job, your hobbies, and not being rich. Then this prince escalated the abuse into physical violence, and only has sort of made an effort to change (which you yourself say isn't enough). I don't know what about any of this you'd want to return to. And how can you say you love him? He's terrible to you, he doesn't even treat you with the basic amount of respect one should show towards a fellow human being, much less a girlfriend. That's not love, that's not even like. Why are you looking for ways to go back to this? I get that you're hurting. Holy sh*t, do I get that. But you need to take a look at what's really happening, and not what you want to happen. He's only going to continue on with this behavior, and I'd bet it'll get even worse. If you scheme and beg him back into your life, you're telling him that it's ok to treat you like garbage, because not only will you tolerate it, but you'll literally be begging for more. Do you want that? If you think you're hurting now, wait a few years. This isn't going to get better with time, and you'll have the bonus gifts of guilt and self-hatred for not ending it sooner. The best, the very best thing you can do is to forget him. You owe it to yourself to not put up with this for one minute longer. I don't care if you DID cheat on him, nobody deserves to be treated that way. Nobody. Get him out of your life, get him out of your heart, and you will find your worth again. And better yet, you'll be able to find someone else who will see it too. 1
goldway90 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Sorry about the abuse it's common for the abused women to cheat really,the abuse and the trauma make them feel unworthy and seeking love from another source is the only way to feel wanted. I'm sorry he treated you badly. I say it's time for therapy to get over this and never contact him again. You can read a book about this kind of this and it will open your eyes and make you feel better, it's called Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Sorry about the abuse it's common for the abused women to cheat really,the abuse and the trauma make them feel unworthy and seeking love from another source is the only way to feel wanted. I'm sorry he treated you badly. I say it's time for therapy to get over this and never contact him again. You can read a book about this kind of this and it will open your eyes and make you feel better, it's called Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Cheating isn't the only way to feel wanted. I think the OP should focus on herself and discovering why does she take that?
lolablue17 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 If you've stopped your affair on your initiation, I could somehow believe that love your BF. But you only feel that way because you got caught. If your BF wouldn't catch you, you were still be screwing that guy now. So the real problem is your broken ego. You tried to have both worlds - Sex with one guy and a relationship with another, and you weren't careful enough to manage your plot, so you got caught. Your tears are wounded ego tears, not love tears. 2
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