4 year relationship done

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, both of you need time. This whole thing is way too rushed. You need significant time apart OUT OF CONTACT. It's way too much too soon -- nothing has been solved or worked on ON BOTH SIDES.

 

This is why I've been calling you foolish for pursuing it. Neither one of you is ready or capable of doing this, which is why it's going downhill fast.

[ravfour4]

I feel like she'd have been gone for good if I hadn't explained that I still really cared about her though (maybe a good thing seeing how things are playing out), she apparently felt like I did nothing to get her back and gave up when as you all know....all I've been doing is trying to get her back.

 

I just hope she calls me tonight after he leaves or else it's obviously done for good and the whole situation is a complete mess if he's willing to get back with someone who still has feelings for her ex and if she's willing to say she'll give me a chance, break up with this dude and then get back with him and ignore me....I knew this may happen so my shield is up, but it'll still hurt.

 

Update: She called back, said he calmed down and told her that he wants her to be happy, that she needs to do what she needs to do and he'll respect that. She said she feels strong feelings for me again and can't just ignore them and needs to give this a chance before she can move on. She's excited about dinner on Friday and sounded sincere. I'm happy to hear the dude chilled out, I don't need him being all psycho in my life that's for sure and I'm glad she's sticking to her guns. I'm going to take things very slowly and carefully, knowing that this may not work out because it's somewhat rushed. I may be back and you can throw a big "I told you so" in my face, or this wacky ridiculous situation may work out.

Edited April 28, 2015 by ravfour4

[Simon Phoenix]

I feel like she'd have been gone for good if I hadn't explained that I still really cared about her though (maybe a good thing seeing how things are playing out), she apparently felt like I did nothing to get her back and gave up when as you all know....all I've been doing is trying to get her back.

 

I just hope she calls me tonight after he leaves or else it's obviously done for good and the whole situation is a complete mess if he's willing to get back with someone who still has feelings for her ex and if she's willing to say she'll give me a chance, break up with this dude and then get back with him and ignore me....I knew this may happen so my shield is up, but it'll still hurt.

 

Update: She called back, said he calmed down and told her that he wants her to be happy, that she needs to do what she needs to do and he'll respect that. She said she feels strong feelings for me again and can't just ignore them and needs to give this a chance before she can move on. She's excited about dinner on Friday and sounded sincere. I'm happy to hear the dude chilled out, I don't need him being all psycho in my life that's for sure and I'm glad she's sticking to her guns. I'm going to take things very slowly and carefully, knowing that this may not work out because it's somewhat rushed. I may be back and you can throw a big "I told you so" in my face, or this wacky ridiculous situation may work out.

 

I don't want to throw this in your face. I do think you're being an extreme fool about this, but I honestly hope things work and I'm wrong. But yeah, everything you've done sucks so far. And I'm going to shut up for real now.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Ruby65]

Wow, this is all just so wrong.

 

Clearly, she's enjoying the rush from all the teenage melodrama of the breakups/makeups with two different guys.

 

Once things settle down, she'll get bored again and you'll be back where you started. You can bet this other guy isn't going anywhere, either.

 

Really wish this wasn't the case but.... I just can't imagine this has a chance of working out for you.

[ravfour4]

I think I've learned from the mistakes I made and am seeing the situation more clearly than it may appear. I'm super skeptical of her having learned from her mistakes and could see her being flakey and running away from this, to you all that's a sign that I should run for it to avoid a disaster, but I just couldn't fully move on until I got this chance. Now I have it, she apologized for much of what she had done and said which was great to hear and admitted I was right about a lot. That gives me a peace of mind that I was craving so badly.

 

Will it work out? I'm very skeptical. Do I want it to work out? I'm not 100 percent sure yet. Am I willing to give it a shot as long as she remains as she is now and stays honest? Yes. We're going to take things slowly and it should be obvious if its going well or not. She seems very confused, but she knows she still has feelings, enough to break things off with that other guy, she knows she wants to give it a shot, but she's scared I'll hurt her again. I'm obviously scared of the same.

Edited April 28, 2015 by ravfour4

[Ruby65]

Good luck. You'll need it.

[lolablue17]

Just one question.

 

You manage all communication with her assuming she had only an EA. Would it matter to you if you knew she had a PA? Would you have done things differently? Does it matter to you?

[ravfour4]

The EA is a bigger deal to me, her and I hadn't been intimate in a while mainly because all we did together was smoke and argue those last few months and that turned me off of her. She eventually got more and more distant and I imagine this guy reaching his hand out when she was most vulnerable and being very vulnerable himself led to her liking him more and more, which eventually led to kissing etc. and then she migrated all her feelings for me over to him, which she now admits.

 

She says she doesn't really know why she liked him now and that him being super sad begging for her back never made her cry, while anytime we would ever talk about us she'd breakdown instantly. I think she fled to this guy because she felt like she had no one else, was devastated that we didnt work out as planned and invested her emotions into him instantly because of her rough past (she's thrown all emotions into people quickly before, and she arguably did the same with me when we first met - oh, you're safe, take care of me I love you)

 

She's different now than she was before, she seems very confused and unstable while with me when I was caring and priortized her highly, she was calm and much more level headed. She told me she had been thinking about us for a while, before I told her how much I still cared and she broke things off with this guy right away to give it a shot. She seems mainly scared that she's shaking her life up once again to give me, the person who once hurt her and took her for granted, another chance when it could just happen again. I feel like I've grown and will not make the same mistakes, but I cannot say the same for her at this point. When she's with me, she's open again, honest and I can tell she loves me still - but I'm not confident that she's stable enough for this to work right now.

[ravfour4]

I guess to actually answer your question, if she had been having a PA while we were together longer than the day or two before we broke up, that would matter to me and it would make me more confident that she is not worth giving another shot.

[lolablue17]

I guess to actually answer your question, if she had been having a PA while we were together longer than the day or two before we broke up, that would matter to me and it would make me more confident that she is not worth giving another shot.

 

"The story" that she haven't slept with him seems unreliable to me from all aspects. Just saying...

[ravfour4]

I agree its farfetched, only reason I sort of believe it is because we were together the large majority of the days before and the only time she was gonelonger than expected was when she was meeting him at the gym, which was pretty much the only place they could meet because he lived with his wife and kids.

 

Anyways, I acknowledge there's a small chance of this working, but I stubbornly couldn't give up until I got this final chance, even if I end up being the one who determines its not gonna work. If she doesn't give it her all and or starts acting weird again, I'm gone for good. I'm going to let this play out and will update you all in a few

[lolablue17]

nly reason I sort of believe it is because we were together the large majority of the days before and the only time she was gonelonger than expected was when she was meeting him at the gym, which was pretty much the only place they could meet because he lived with his wife and kids.

 

Yes. You're right. I'm sure none of them have heard about the new invention called "hotel".

[ravfour4]

A valid point. That odd behavior was only the day or two before we broke up and then on and off the 2 months we lived together afterwards though, not like that makes much of a difference. She just called me and we talked for an hour, overall she still seems to be really liking me but is afraid we'll just migrate to how we were before (in her mind, that means me taking her for granted and being a jerk) and gets mad about random stuff I did.

[Chi townD]

Dude, really?!?!

 

 

She slept with this dude. Stop kidding yourself. She put more value into this married jackass than she did you. So much more that she threw you to the curb to be with him. If she went to THAT extreme, then I don't buy that she didn't do anything with this guy.

 

 

Also note that when she broke it off with him, he went bat sh*t crazy! Texting and calling and trying to come over. Who would go through all of that if he wasn't getting any? I mean, would you?

 

 

If you were with a girl and the only thing you did was flirt and talk and she tried to end it with you, would YOU go batsh*t crazy over a girl you were never intimate with?

 

 

Dude, if you believe that they didn't sleep together, then I have a bridge to sell you.

[ravfour4]

I know they've slept together, I was just saying I don't think they did necessarily while we were still together, not that it really makes a huge difference. The dude just is bat **** crazy and who wouldn't go crazy if you're going through a divorce and your much younger "savior" says jk I'm going back to my ex

[ravfour4]

Well....here is the final chapter to this story.

 

I had asked her to stop over to talk since she said she was doubting things and unsure about Friday. I bought a bottle of wine to share so she knew I was giving it my all. She started out saying how mad she was at me and listing a long list of things I could have done better in the relationship, trying to find any excuse to not make this work. I admitted there were things I could have done better, but mentioned that it wasn't all me. She told me the other guy keeps constantly sending her flowers, won't give up and is making this difficult on her. I told her that she's being ridiculous and making herself, this other guy and me very sad and explained how devastated she had made me throughout all of this.

 

I wasn't going to take her constantly berating me and started speaking the truth on the mistakes she made (ditching me when I needed her most for a married man) and how she was far from a perfect gf as well and that she could have communicated better - she told me she never knows why she does what she does and that's just how she is. I told her there's no way this is going to work if she still has one foot in with the other guy (he knew she was at my place and said something like "I just want you to be happy, be honest with yourself, him and me") and if you're just going to tell him how our date went afterwards and that I look like a chump for fighting for you when you're doing what you're doing.

 

We then argued about small meaningless things that happened in our relationships, the same stupid arguments we used to get into when we were dating. All kinds of random misunderstandings ("You should have paid for a nicer place for us!" Me: "What? I would have...you were insistent on getting this place and I wanted to make you happy so I said yes") I pointed out how crazy she was being and is and how she should be single and focus on herself and get her **** together. It ended in a mutual we can't be together and one final hug.

 

I should have seen this coming, but it was the stupid closure I needed. I'm a bit in shock right now, but I also feel relieved and like I finally no longer want her. She was SO indecisive, confused and selfish, something I would never want in a girlfriend. I'm sure I'll be a bit sad tomorrow, but at least I know that final door is shut. Time to go NC for life.

Edited April 30, 2015 by ravfour4

[Cinnamonstix]

Sounds like she wasn't willing to work on herself and you weren't willing to compromise your needs either. I'm glad you got the closure you need. And it sounds like now it feels more mutual this time. I think this is a win! Though if you could have cancelled on her, that would have been even better.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Cinnamonstix

[ravfour4]

I was willing to compromise, I just couldn't keep apologizing nonstop and that's what she wanted me to do. I couldn't put up with it anymore, this wasn't all my fault and she's being ridiculous trying to see if we can work while in another relationship without actually calling that other relationship off. I had to speak the truth and I got a glimpse at those few months before we broke up, when I despised her and wanted to break up with her myself.

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude. Sorry, but I think you needed to walk away on this one. She sat there telling YOU where YOU went wrong, but lets glean over the fact that she was screwing a married man. And I guarantee you as soon as she left your place, take a scientific wild ass guess who she was on the phone with.

 

 

Karma is going to bite her right on the ass. Take solace in that. Dollars to Donuts, this guy isn't leaving his wife and kids. He's not getting a divorce. If he was, he wouldn't have been trying so hard to hide their relationship. He just told her he was and she bought right into it. Plus, he's twice her age. You think she's going to hang in there in her late 30's while he qualifies for social security and has to use Viagra to get anything done?

 

 

Dude, time to get your revenge. Go NC and stay there. The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good and adventurous life. Go out and explore the world! It's just right outside your door.

[Purepony]

At first when I read this thread I assumed you where 13 and your ex was probably 12 because you both are confused and sound silly. I figured its your first break up so they always turn out silly but you've broken up before so now I just think its your ego.

 

Simon told you many many times that you where playing with fire and you ignored him and continued, which is fine because you got what you deserved! A confused women who wasted your time and made you feel like a clown, only to bring you back to square one but worse... it seems she won the game and played you well. Score: her 1 you 0

 

Learn from this and move on!

I will solve this circus for you for free for your own good, but it wont matter because you'll find a way to ignore all this and proceed to entertain her and her games. I have to admit she's good at screwing with YOUR brain because any other mature person would have walked away from day one.

 

This is not going to work because you two never took time off! You both lived together so your stupid 2 months don't count and 1 ninth she was f*cking him and seeing you!

 

So here you go

 

*Keep the dumb dog because it seems both of you are sharing the same brain or give it to her!

No excuses pick one and don't look back!

 

*Don't call her don't text her don't answer her calls! Don't wait for her to text you so you can say she initiated it! Change your number because I really don't believe you can do this one! This one requires discipline!

 

*Change the f*cling locks or I will because I'm tired of reading about the stupid keys!!!

 

*Throw her stuff away or drop it off! Go so that now!!

 

*Stop justifying why she left you!

She was a quitter, it was easier for her to leave you instead talking about things before *****ng some other guy with kids. This was her problem not yours! She knew what she was doing trust me!

 

*Go out with your friends, don't date because you need the time to focus and heal.

 

*Apologize to Simon for not taking his advice.

 

*Update your progress

 

This is my first and last post on this thread unless your commited to getting through this

[ravfour4]

Thanks chitown, she was like a nasty drug I was addicted to. I'm consumed by this **** today, I know with time I will heal and will find someone much better.

[na49]

You may have said your goodbyes, but I don't think this is the last time you'll hear from her. How will you proceed if she changes her mind (again) in a few days/weeks? This really was a disaster from the start, but we all need to touch the stove to know it's hot. It's your life after all, and you do whatever you think is right. I'm sorry this ended up not going the way you wanted, but you're finally seeing her for who she is now.

[Riptide91]

ravfour4 I have been kind harsh in the past posts, but all I want to say here is: I think you've learned your lesson. I honestly hope that you see now this was for the best, and by the slight change in your tone of these posts I believe you have. She is going to keep digging her hole deeper with the married situation and when it ends, oh and it will, she will probably come calling. I hope for your sake you've moved on by then and have no interest. Good luck!

[ravfour4]

@na49 - You're right, I heard from her later today. I ignored her text until she called. She's bringing me my keys this weekend and it's done. If she contacts me weeks from now, I'd ignore it. I have to. If she gave me some legit gigantic apology letter and came over, made out with me and wanted to bang - I'd have trouble saying no, other than that a no will be easy

 

@riptide91 - I appreciated the harsh words, I know I was being an idiot. Logically I knew what was going on the entire time, but I let myself subdue to "I love her, do anything", knowing that it was the wrong thing to do, but staying stupidly hopeful. I'm sure what she has with this guy will end, they already tried to break-up and now he harassed her constantly after saying she had feelings for me until she backed away and will have to live with that. I know I'll meet someone better and emotionally stable and I'll never want to go back to her crazy ass again.

 

@purepony - I knew what I was getting myself into, I just didn't care and wanted to do, I guess I'm self-destructive? I don't really appreciate your harsh words, but I know/knew Simon was 99% likely to be right, I just stayed stupidly optimistic that I could save her, but she's the only one who can save herself. I'm getting my keys this weekend and never talking to her again. It's not an excuse, but I feel like my dad recently passing away amidst all of this played a role, I didn't want to lose my 2 favorite people in the world so I did whatever I could (knowing logically it was wrong) to get 1 of them back.

Edited May 1, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

I got the keys! Now I no longer need to worry about her popping in or having to rely on her to take our dog out.

 

We had a short very calm chat too, saying how crazy she was the past few days hurting all 3 of us for literally no reason - never even went out to dinner tonight which spawned the whole mess, calling her out for overlapping me and this guy (she admitted it was wrong), saying we didn't work out despite a lot of good times, told her good luck but she'll see the real version of that guy soon and that if she texted me I wasn't going to text back.

 

I'm actually ready for NC now. Let's do this!