Cinnimon Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 I am curious after reading about EA's and their purpose. Why would a MM stay involved in a strictly EA long term? Is it because it helps him stay in his marriage? He gets his emotional needs met by one and his physical needs met by the wife,while being able to APPEAR to be honoring his vows, duty and obligation? Thoughts?
Friskyone4u Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 Could be a couple of reason, the first one you hit on. less chance of getting caught. the second one is if he thinks that at some time in the future he can turn it PA by travelling to where you are. It does happen. 2
GoldieLox Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 I've noticed the mentality of a lot of males (I work in a predominately male field) is if they don't touch, it ain't cheating. Males are not necessarily the most emotional creatures on earth, so I, like you, also wonder this myself. 4
Author Cinnimon Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 I often wonder if it's really because it creates a sort of " safe haven " for expressing themselves without the fear of losing the respect of someone they love.
Quiet Storm Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I think many times it is because he has disappointed his wife and seeks the ego stroking that she doesn't feel like he deserves anymore. The emotional affair is likely not the first selfish thing he's done in his marriage. When the wife no longer admires him, when she stops telling him how great he is (often because he's genuinely let her down), some guys will seek that supply of validation and attention elsewhere. Who provides the attention and validation isn't important to him. What matters to him is that another person thinks he's special. An emotional affair allows him to get close to someone that he hasn't disappointed yet, someone that doesn't have expectations of him. 10
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 There's similar thread going on in infidelity about EA's. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/522273-why-do-men-participate-eas 1
Rainbow00 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I've noticed the mentality of a lot of males (I work in a predominately male field) is if they don't touch, it ain't cheating. Males are not necessarily the most emotional creatures on earth, so I, like you, also wonder this myself. I agree with this. My xMM and I were in a strictly EA relationship. He told me that he never had talks with his wife about any of these things, only the minimum required communication to keep their house and kids on track. We didn't always talk about deep personal things, but I think he was just looking for some carefree, fun, flirty banter. Which we did often. However, our "long term" was only about 6 months. I know the xMM was in PA prior to me as well. So he wasn't a strictly EA only guy. 1
privategal Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I think its filling voids. Lets face it people don't exactly always pour love on their spouses every minute, its a lot of times when he/she gets home, kids are crying, dishes need done, bills need paid, people are tired, phone is ringing, emails and family issues and left over work stress is left over on the brain. dinner needs cooked, someone is sick...you know, real life....its not all meant to sound so grim but moreso, marriage isn't all fun and exciting and lovey dovey EVERY minute truly. Its real and its hard work. but on the flip side, what do you get when you talk to your ea? The fun stuff! Sweet friendly carefree irresponsible banner, no diapers, bills, real life stuff...more fantasy or support or your great, wonderful, attractive, missed...the kinda stuff that makes you feel like you still got it. Its hard to resist that kind of escape. 5
Author Cinnimon Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 There's similar thread going on in infidelity about EA's. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/522273-why-do-men-participate-eas I saw that and have been following it. I have read that EA can be more damaging than a PA, especially if it's long term. I guess I am curious why a WS would risk their marriage for an EA. I know that makes it sound very simple and most A of any kind are not simple, but I can't help but wonder......
privategal Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I saw that and have been following it. I have read that EA can be more damaging than a PA, especially if it's long term. I guess I am curious why a WS would risk their marriage for an EA. I know that makes it sound very simple and most A of any kind are not simple, but I can't help but wonder...... Im not sure they are sought out. I think often times people are exposed to eachother, with their best foot forward, looking their best etc. in the workplace. But in the workplace, your also vulnerable and any ally is good for personal sustainment, job satisfaction etc. Those friendships evolve, slow but sure. They excite the pleasure center in the brain, making another feel good. The person comes back for more feeling good, the closeness ensues, grows. An affair is born and neither wants to run from what is bringing happiness. A happy marriage at home (for some, it was the case for us) but more happiness on top of that? wonderful, bring it on, whats the harm some might think (I did) and the justification, compartmentalization, ego strokes and "harmless" flirting. A recipe for disaster I suppose. In EA both people are able to have a constant source of using the other, we get used to a person completing our lives and we don't want to give it up. We get fooled (unless it really is the case) that we are valuable and of great meaning to someones life. We are deeply convinced its really the friendship that is the true bond. We continue with the "this is harmless" mantra to continue. Some are manipulative and seek it, others fall in and open their eyes in the middle of it that they are in very deep, some fall in love, some are just plain users, theres so many scenarios and people are so different, but the one constant that seems to be consistent in everyone, is that we all want to be liked, loved, validated, important....EA seems to feed all of that and without the sex...the sex is in the mind only. 4
whatatangledweb Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I saw that and have been following it. I have read that EA can be more damaging than a PA, especially if it's long term. I guess I am curious why a WS would risk their marriage for an EA. I know that makes it sound very simple and most A of any kind are not simple, but I can't help but wonder...... Many WS do not believe they will be caught. So in their mind , they are not risking anything. 1
Grapesofwrath Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I engaged in an EA at the end of my marriage. (I'm divorced x 4 years now.) My marriage was a cold and lonely place. He was a largely absent father, "working" all the time, and yet he made no money. I supported the family financially, took care of all household chores, and parented the children. On weekends, it was more of the same, except he would smoke weed and sleep on the couch. We rarely had sex, and when we did it was pretty awful. I felt completely invisible in my home. Just a drudge. Encouraged to be smaller, less than, and silent. It was miserable. I got in touch with an old college friend on FB and we started an email/text relationship. He was funny and willing to listen. He saw me. He understood me. He lived in another city, a plane ride away, so it was purely emotional. I had one opportunity to turn it into a PA. I burst into tears and couldn't do it. In that moment I realized what I was doing and that I didn't love my husband. I knew I had to get a divorce. The EA was a lifeline for me. It gave me connection. Someone with whom I could share my thoughts and feelings. But a PA was too much. That felt unseemly. My issue was not about sex. It was about intimacy and being seen. IMO, that's what gives an EA its power.
Grapesofwrath Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I've also read that BW are more upset by EA and BH are more upset by PA. Who knows if that is true.
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