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Why do men participate in EAs?


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As a woman, I get why I engaged in an EA, but I'm wondering why my male AP participated.

 

(Our A lasted nearly a year. Through therapy I think I'm finally strong enough to end it).

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As a woman, I get why I engaged in an EA, but I'm wondering why my male AP participated.

 

(Our A lasted nearly a year. Through therapy I think I'm finally strong enough to end it).

 

Men get in EA's for the same reason as women. The feeling of being close to someone for validation and ego kibbles. Most men, however, are hoping it will lead to a PA

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Why?

 

Historically my style is to first to get to know someone, then become emotionally attached, then move into a relationship milieu and actual sex begins at that point. This is fairly outlier for men, especially men of my generation. Hence, where MW's haven't disclosed their marital status (happens!) or boundaries slip (happens!), inappropriate intimacies are shared.

 

Back in my OM days as a young guy, I saved sex for exclusive relationships so none of the interactions with MW's were ever 'exclusive', by default, since they were married, so EA's were the dominant interaction. Additionally, most MW's I was enmeshed with didn't think what we call an EA was an affair so, for them, it was perfectly fine. However, their husbands felt differently! :D

 

Today, I avoid the milieu by simply avoiding any sort of emotional attachment or 'love'; great fun flirting and playing around but nothing serious.

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Some of us already know that men love EA's too. It's amusing to me when either men or women are convinced that it's always just for the sex.

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At one point my EA was talking about being virtuous during his midlife crisis years because he didn't go out and bang any 20 year olds. He's attractive and could have. So this comment made me wonder why he didn't opt for PAs but engaged in multiple (from what I gather) EAs. Maybe his sex life at home was good.

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whichwayisup
As a woman, I get why I engaged in an EA, but I'm wondering why my male AP participated.

 

(Our A lasted nearly a year. Through therapy I think I'm finally strong enough to end it).

 

Ego feed. It made him feel good. To have extra attention and know someone is into you can be a high and I'm betting since he knew it was just an EA, he may have felt like he wasn't cheating on his wife.

 

Congrats on seeking counseling!! You can end it. Love yourself more, respect yourself more and don't settle for table scraps. You deserve a great (single) guy who can offer you the whole world, not bits and pieces on his terms and time frame.

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as a woman, i get why i engaged in an ea, but i'm wondering why my male ap participated.

 

(our a lasted nearly a year. Through therapy i think i'm finally strong enough to end it).

 

sex full stop

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It just HAS to be SEX.

 

Otherwise, as women, we would have to ignore EVERY SINGLE post by men here about what they want in a relationship.

 

It's never "the emotional connection" or the "romance" or the "special times" or the "sharing of problems" never.

 

Women want THAT - generally.

 

Posters here say once they get sex then the man will be more than happy to provide the above things to a woman. THIS IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT THE CASE AT ALL IN EVERY R.

 

I'm concluding from my extensive research on LS (LOL) that this whole discussion is like the never ending question of "what came first? The chicken or the egg?"

 

To make a MASSIVE generalization: men want sex. Women want intimacy. I'd like both! And I'm sure some men wouldn't mind both but given a choice, men would choose sex over anything else (???)

 

It's sex.

 

Lion Heart.

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As a woman, I get why I engaged in an EA, but I'm wondering why my male AP participated.

 

(Our A lasted nearly a year. Through therapy I think I'm finally strong enough to end it).

 

I suggest while you're still in the EA and let it be your last conversation, especially if either of you ARE in other "committed" relationships, you ask OM "Are you hoping we'll have sex one day?"

 

You know the answer anyway. If he's cheating and HE KNOWS this is the last conversation, he'll answer "G** ofcourse not!".

 

If he thinks you're gonna continue the EA, he'll answer honestly.

 

Men think with their most important member MOST OF THE TIME.

 

:-) LH

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Q

Why do men participate in EAs?

 

A. Because their wives don't understand them. :D

 

Or at least that's the crap they tell some unsuspecting female to get her sympathy, so they can lure her into a PA.....:rolleyes:

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Sorry, but the formula is wrong. It's not about SEX it's all about INTIMACY.

 

Men feel they can experience greater intimacy through sex.

Men do feel intimacy in a PA, no question, and it feels great, it is not some empty experience necessary to conning the woman into bed. It is NOT delayed gratification. The intimacy HEIGHTENS as the opportunities and activities move toward more physical - the first kiss can be a mind blower. The chase is great but the enormous intimacy from love making session is the climax.

 

Now you can understand why when men learn that their WW had a full blown EA PA they mostly cannot return to a normal life. It is the thought of another man being INTIMATE not just the "SEX"

 

 

I won't pretend to know why woman prefer EA, I'll trust women to explain it.

 

It just HAS to be SEX.

 

Otherwise, as women, we would have to ignore EVERY SINGLE post by men here about what they want in a relationship.

 

It's never "the emotional connection" or the "romance" or the "special times" or the "sharing of problems" never.

 

Women want THAT - generally.

 

Posters here say once they get sex then the man will be more than happy to provide the above things to a woman. THIS IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT THE CASE AT ALL IN EVERY R.

 

I'm concluding from my extensive research on LS (LOL) that this whole discussion is like the never ending question of "what came first? The chicken or the egg?"

 

To make a MASSIVE generalization: men want sex. Women want intimacy. I'd like both! And I'm sure some men wouldn't mind both but given a choice, men would choose sex over anything else (???)

 

It's sex.

 

Lion Heart.

Edited by fellini
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The intimacy HEIGHTENS as the opportunities and activities move toward more physical - the first kiss can be a mind blower.

 

That is very interesting, Fellini.

 

So if I understand your point correctly, an EA is like the long game leading to sex for a man, but better sex than just a PA because of the intimacy that has been built up during the EA. Correct?

 

It is the titillation of all the encounters over time that heightens the experience of the end game [sex], then?

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Back in my OM days as a young guy, I saved sex for exclusive relationships so none of the interactions with MW's were ever 'exclusive', by default, since they were married, so EA's were the dominant interaction.

 

So Carhill, thanks for your response - it intrigues me. It sounds like sex was not really part of your end game strategy for MW back in your younger days, but you still participated in the "emotional attachment" of EAs with MW.

 

Can you state more what the payoff of the emotional attachment was for you when it wasn't necessarily part of the long game toward sex or long term love (like the love one builds with a potential life-long partner)?

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So Carhill, thanks for your response - it intrigues me. It sounds like sex was not really part of your end game strategy for MW back in your younger days, but you still participated in the "emotional attachment" of EAs with MW.
Yes, correct, while the vestiges of the religious training I received as a young man regarding interpersonal relationships wore off and reality moved more into the fore.

 

Can you state more what the payoff of the emotional attachment was for you when it wasn't necessarily part of the long game toward sex or long term love (like the love one builds with a potential life-long partner)?

 

The goal was finding a long term partner or wife and, after age 20 or so, I didn't meet single women anymore so I looked around and saw what other guys were doing (hitting on married women) so gave it a whirl but without the proper toolbox to be successful at it. Other men were. It still goes on. The short-term payoff was intimacy, and that aligned with, at that time, the vestiges of how I was socialized into and trained for interpersonal relationships.

 

I'd say after about age 28 or so, I got what MW's were really about and how out of sync my style was with reality so moved on to other things in life, keeping an eye out for available single women and didn't really run across any until probably 7 or 8 years later, and not in any volume until dating internationally.

 

By that time I had switched to being like a normal man of my generation, pursuing sex first and a relationship later, and success improved. MW's, at that point, became more of a social skill lubricant and not anything serious and that's how it plays out today.

 

The few I encounter in my general age group, 40-60, are highly skilled and very good at what they do and there aren't any illusions. It's simply something to do now, absent any emotional/sexual involvement.

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Yes, we get so stuck on gender stereotypes that we forget that that eveyone is different. Besides the LGBT crowd every woman in an ea means a man is in one too. And so they are getting the same thing out of it as the woman. Genitals don't change that.

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Correct. Except sex is not an endgame. It's a continuation of the same game

 

I see it this way: the spectrum is not Intimacy vs. Sex.

its always forms of inimacy. Intimacy in its many forms. One is EA (OR the romance /dating stage without the physical. Huge turn on for some. Less so for others) on the other end is Intimacy through physical connection. It's not just sex. It's intamacy achieved through it. No either or. It's always the same thing. Some arrive at a heightened form of intimacy through sexual connection, others prefer, or feel greater intimacy in emotional connections. Both are meaningful. Men are raised to believe that the sexual is more important.

 

For me the biggest Bull Sht is when a woman says that a man "is only in it for the sex" BY which they mean a kind of wam bam thank you ma'am neanderthal.

 

I don't know how all men are, but i derive most of my pleasure during sex pleasuring my partner. I'm not in it just for me. When I feel enormous intimacy I wish to express that making love. Not just having sex.

 

 

That is very interesting, Fellini.

 

So if I understand your point correctly, an EA is like the long game leading to sex for a man, but better sex than just a PA because of the intimacy that has been built up during the EA. Correct?

 

It is the titillation of all the encounters over time that heightens the experience of the end game [sex], then?

Edited by fellini
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So this comment made me wonder why he didn't opt for PAs but engaged in multiple (from what I gather) EAs. Maybe his sex life at home was good.

 

How do you know he was truthful in his description of the other relationships? Many WS deceive their AP's just as adeptly as they lie to their spouses...

 

Mr. Lucky

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autumnnight

I'm always amused when one gender thinks they speak with authority about the other. As they are men, I think Fellini and carhill summed it up quite nicely.

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So would a man embark on an EA if a PA was off the table? or is a PA always the goal and the challenge perhaps?

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Yeah, I totally forgot about the slippery slope. Successful OM's can play a woman's emotions like a fiddle and they know that a PA is always on the table and it's simply a matter of finding the right mix of emotions to play.

 

The guys who seem to only want EA's could definitely match up with what things seem like, or they could want more and don't know how exactly to make that happen in an infidelity situation, or they have an agenda or they have other PA's going on the side, or they have a girlfriend or wife at home. It depends.

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Men get in EA's for the same reason as women. The feeling of being close to someone for validation and ego kibbles. Most men, however, are hoping it will lead to a PA

 

 

Fully agree.

 

 

P.S. I have added ego kibbles (and sex bits) to my affair dictionary - thanks.;)

Edited by dichotomy
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So would a man embark on an EA if a PA was off the table? or is a PA always the goal and the challenge perhaps?

 

I'm going to go ahead and be sexist and use absolute terms and say that no man will embark on an EA if a PA is off the table and that a physical encounter(s) is always the endgoal.

 

 

I know people hate that kind of generalizations and that kind of absolutism but it is for a purpose. That purpose is everyone should always assume that if a man is schmoozing up to a married women without his wife or her husband involved, it is never for platonic friendship, never for an EA, but always with having sex as the endgame.

 

 

If you take that assumption and act accordingly in shutting it down, the worst that will happen is that in 0.0000000001% of time, you will be mistaken.

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autumnnight
So would a man embark on an EA if a PA was off the table? or is a PA always the goal and the challenge perhaps?

 

I would assume it would depend on the man, just like it would depend on the woman.

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At one point my EA was talking about being virtuous during his midlife crisis years because he didn't go out and bang any 20 year olds. He's attractive and could have. So this comment made me wonder why he didn't opt for PAs but engaged in multiple (from what I gather) EAs. Maybe his sex life at home was good.

 

I think that some men enjoy an EA simply because someone female and good looking wants their attention. It is ego boosting and can actually do some good.

 

For others the EA can turn into a PA. I know of cases where the woman pushed the man in the direction of a PA.

 

But since most women want an ear---someone to talk to who will listen, it is usually the man who takes advantage of the situation.

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