Ex left me for guy she cheated with - Having trouble coping

[mightycpa]

This possibility right here is why you really should block her number entirely.

That's what I was going to say... I'm sure that's what a lot of people were going to say.

 

The thing about that is that your hope will lead you to doubt that this is the right move. You'll feel like you're sealing the deal, cutting off the possibility of reconciliation with this move. You'll feel like you're the one making it final, and that will gnaw at you until you accept the reality of your situation.

 

And in a way, you are the one finalizing it. But it's like not buying lottery tickets. Might you win? Sure. Will you? No way. So why waste your money?

[AprilTears]

Thanks for the advice RUBY - i will check out the guide now.

 

The hardest part of this is accepting that she is a liar and a cheat..

 

I've taken on so much of the guilt for all of it. I feel like a matyr. I keep telling myself its ALL my fault for not showing her how much i care about her etc. But i guess that still doesnt justify lying and cheating..

 

Its so strange thinking so highly of someone one minute, then the next knowing that they are so selfish and inconsiderate of others feelings.

 

I let her get away with it.

 

It's in your control to not let her get away with it anymore. No contact is the only way to move forward. Yeah it's hard but it gets much easier with time.

 

If you feel the urge to contact her write out what you want to say to her then sleep on it. Or post here first. DO NOT SEND IT TO HER. If you continue contact with her you are only delaying your healing. Move through it one day at a time. Sometimes it's hour by hour but it can be done.

[Chi townD]

Ladies and Gentlemen! The very reason why NC is paramount right after a break up!

 

 

Dude, she cheated on you and dumped you. She confessed to you with very little remorse and continued to see you and sleep with you. You even helped her move and probably paid for the move yourself (and now you know where she's going to be staying). She tells you that she's going to go fly off (and how was she able to do this when she ran out of money during her move?) and be with this other dude and you know she won't call or text you because she'll be in bed with this dude for the next five days giving this asshat everything that belonged to you. And now you get to sit here and stew on how unfair it all is.

 

 

If you would have gone NC the moment she confessed and dumped you, you wouldn't have known any of this. You would have saved yourself the heartache and pain. Sometimes ignorance is truly bliss.

 

 

Dude, time to heal and move on. The next thing she'll ask if you'll help her move to this dude's state and drop her off at his front door.

 

 

If she texts you or calls you when she returns. I would suggest that you tell her that you're going NC on her. You can say, "Look, I understand that you don't want to be with me anymore. I may not like it, but I have to respect your wishes. However, I have to stop contact with you so I can heal and move on with my life." and leave it at that. If she contacts you after that and you don't respond, she'll know exactly why and you don't have to feel bad about it.

[Maverick27]

Thank you all so much, there is so much support on this forum! Once i move on from this i will regularly log in to help others who are struggling.

 

I'm going to take a piece of advice and post the email i WAS going to post to her on this thread instead.

 

Dear Anon,

 

Whilst i forgave you for what happened, i feel you have confused my forgivness with the notion that i am over it and not in pain. If this is true, you are very wrong.

 

What you did to me hurts. It hurts so much. You took something very special away from me. You took away my ability to trust and have made me question my own judge of character.

 

You relinquished yourself of all guilt and blamed me for all the shortcomings in our relationship. You broke it off because you thought i didn't care about you. When infact, i have never cared about someone so much in my entire life. I gave all of myself to you. You were so emotionally dependent on me that there was never enough room to talk about my issues and my state of mind. Did you ever think that maybe the reason i sometimes seemed distant was because you never made an attempt to understand me on a deeper level?

 

Over the week following your return you made me feel so guilty, like i was a monster and you were a princess that needed saving from the beast. You made me hate myself.

 

You continued to sleep with me and have sex with me for more than a week after breaking up with me, leading me along, giving me hope that there was still a chance to fix my mistakes.

 

Only to then let me find out on my own steam that you had slept with another guy the week prior, and had continued to flirt with him by text, everyday, in bed whilst i slept next to you.

 

I forgave you - you made me feel so guilty after the initial break up that i hated myself enough to justify your behaviour.

 

You continued to sleep next to me, have sex with me. Leading me along further. Whilst i knew you were now skyping this man - probably laughing at the fact that i was emotional distraught and in complete denial about the situation.

 

I helped you find a new place and move out. When you didnt like that place i helped you move again. I listened to you cry on the phone about how hard this was for YOU.

 

I sent you countless emails and texts, telling you that i was sorry for breaking your heart, and that all i want is for you to be happy.

 

Then, after i had returned your bond money to you and the last remaining items of yours, you decide to tell me that you are flying back to this state to spend easter with this man. How do you think this made me feel? How do you think it made me feel when you told me it wasnt an accident, and that you decided to sleep with him?

 

Im sorry that you felt unloved during our relationship, even though we moved in together, shared every meal together, you had christmas with my family, i told you i loved you everyday - still, this was enough to at least SPEAK to me about this before going and sleeping with someone else?

 

You gaslighted me so badly during the initial stages of the breakup that i now can not distinguish between my own heartbreak and my own guilt. Everytime i get angry all i feel is guilt.

 

I dont want you back. I want my self esteem back

[Maverick27]

Should i send it? I feel like i was so blind during the whole thing. The whole emotional trauma of it made put me in ABSOLUTE denial.

 

I want to take back my forgivness of her and tell her how i really feel. For sake of myself and her future partners.

 

Has anyone done this? How did you feel afterwards? I'm worried i'd send it and regret immensely

[AprilTears]

No, no, no!! Do not send that to her!!

 

You'll feel a million times worse when she never replies!!

 

She already knows everything you wrote and she doesn't care! I'm so sorry for your pain and I'm not trying to be harsh but what I say is true and is only meant to help you.

 

If you feel you have more to say to her say it here but do not send!!

Edited April 2, 2015 by AprilTears

[Ruby65]

Don't send it.

 

It's only going to have the reverse effect of making her feel BETTER and MORE JUSTIFIED and MORE SELF-RIGHTEOUS because you're calling her out on her crimes -- instead of leaving her with the guilty stench of having totally screwed over someone who was completely lovely and supportive and understanding who forgave her.

 

Don't take back your forgiveness.

 

Let it sit there and fester and rot in her soul.... like a sack of rotting stinking raw shrimp locked in the trunk of her car!

 

Seriously: she's not going to learn or grow or have an epiphany. She'll just get defensive and spin things to make you wrong. You're not doing anyone any favors, you're only setting yourself up for more pain. Remember:

 

Contact = Pain

No Contact = Healing

 

Maintain No Contact, no matter what. In time, you'll be so so SOOOOO glad you didn't send that letter!

 

I do suggest you print it out and have a little closure ceremony for yourself with it: put on some meaningful music.... light some candles.... have some wine..... read the letter aloud...... then set it on fire and watch it burn!

 

Set it free into the ethers..... release it.

 

You know -- and we all know -- how awful she was! Let it go. Let that be enough (for now).

 

[I_Give_Up67]

Do not send it! Listen to April and Ruby, they are 100% correct!!!