Mazerati Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Lisbon, I will simply echo all that Lionheart, and Road have said. Their advice is solid. She never intended for you to find out, and after reading additional posts her alcoholism outted her, not guilt and certainly not remorse. Plain and simple. She needs to go, and you need to move on. Maz 3
merrmeade Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Lisbon, I will simply echo all that Lionheart, and Road have said. ....Road....?
Lion Heart Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 (edited) I get where you're coming from totally in your two personal examples... you are only getting trouble and pain from these triggers second time round...The first you were strOngar and more resolute. ..this helped you once he was out. This is what I need to do with my wife... Almost. The 1st time I had a lease I could break overnight and did. I was neither stronger nor more resolute. I was grieving from the death of a close family member, baby DD was very ill with a life threatening illness & exWH was unfaithful on his 1st Father's Day. I figured DD was young enough to not miss him. She did. We'd had sex once the day before and twice that morning. We had no shared assets. Though I moved out and stayed out. ExWH paid for MC for 2y after. It wasn't a tousle after I moved. Don't remember arguing. Just had zero expectations I think. Luckily for that! THIS TIME: Much longer M, 3 chn, my asset I don't want to split. Much greater betrayal due to much greater emotional investment. Overcame so many hurdles (well I did! ). I'm much stronger than I was @ No. 1 but I'm aiming to use rational thinking for my decision making. I've got 3 almost teens a year apart at school. I'll be lucky to get a cent in child support again. So I've just gotta use my head. LH Edited April 2, 2015 by Lion Heart 1
Mazerati Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 ....Road....? Sorry Merr, my bad. not enough coffee yet. Sigh.... Maz 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Some great thought provoking material here again Lionheart. .. I will certainly get this book by Stephen Covey you recommend so highly...and also look up the video clips. You are helping me and I will pm you....you are helping me but it sounds like you are going through a hellish time yourself at the moment. .. did you say in your last response that your asset second time round being betrayed is that you don't want to split up this time...??? So are you dealing with the betrayal by trying for reconciliation this time...? That must be a nightmare for you... seems to me that it's going to be hell and painful for me no matter what happens. ... We are just waiting for the decree absolute to pop through the door now. I agree with you and meremead. ..her a ger when I even attempt to extract simple details from her of the A...is due to her shame and strong will not to divulge anything to me. I've not even asked about the sex itself. ..that just makes me feel sick. I'm only asking about the WHY in first place....HOW it came about...and frequency and venues...she won't tell me and she gets angry and I end up backing off and even offering her sympathy when she's so upset....crazy I know... but when I am angry to her about the a...it drains me of energy....and not much later I feel physically unwell. ..dizzy a bit sick and sometimes irregular hearbeat. ..its not good for me either. .But don't want to get any more depressed either.... for first 3 weeks since Dday. ...I didn't have anger or constant videos and images of their sex. ...but I am getting this now. ...and it's really crushing me...I must've been stunned the first 3 weeks. ... she has told me about their going for coffees together. ..do you know that hurts me unbelievably....maybe as much as the liasons. ..!! Thanks LH ...hope things improve for you too...talk again soon 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Merrmead. ..lots of good stuff here for me to ponder and consume...and act on....I agree with you about her anger and guilt but no real remorse etc and probably kicking herself at divulging at all after all these years.... someone said to me that through alcohol she attempted to unload her burden at last. .. but if I don't divorce her and get rid of her...I will be the swallowing her burdon for the rest of my life... I don't want that... but I do still love her in a strange kind of way...and I will really miss her too... but she has put me in this position and I have no choice now because of her....!! I wouldn't be a man if I tried to forgive her and stop this divorce.... but I don't want to be on my own...she has driven me to this stage....where I don't really want to be
Author lisbon67 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Almost. The 1st time I had a lease I could break overnight and did. I was neither stronger nor more resolute. I was grieving from the death of a close family member, baby DD was very ill with a life threatening illness & exWH was unfaithful on his 1st Father's Day. I figured DD was young enough to not miss him. She did. We'd had sex once the day before and twice that morning. We had no shared assets. Though I moved out and stayed out. ExWH paid for MC for 2y after. It wasn't a tousle after I moved. Don't remember arguing. Just had zero expectations I think. Luckily for that! THIS TIME: Much longer M, 3 chn, my asset I don't want to split. Much greater betrayal due to much greater emotional investment. Overcame so many hurdles (well I did! ). I'm much stronger than I was @ No. 1 but I'm aiming to use rational thinking for my decision making. I've got 3 almost teens a year apart at school. I'll be lucky to get a cent in child support again. So I've just gotta use my head. LH I can't see sny PM button LH....?? I always here via my phone because affair wife. ..is it AS ...? ...is always on my pc watching russian movies 1
Lion Heart Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I can't see sny PM button LH....?? I always here via my phone because affair wife. ..is it AS ...? ...is always on my pc watching russian movies Hi lisbon The personal message availability comes up after a certain number of posts I think? Others help here? I had to wait about 3w to respond to a pm from merrmeade. LH 1
Lion Heart Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Some great thought provoking material here again Lionheart. .. I will certainly get this book by Stephen Covey you recommend so highly...and also look up the video clips. You are helping me and I will pm you....you are helping me but it sounds like you are going through a hellish time yourself at the moment. .. did you say in your last response that your asset second time round being betrayed is that you don't want to split up this time...??? So are you dealing with the betrayal by trying for reconciliation this time...? That must be a nightmare for you... seems to me that it's going to be hell and painful for me no matter what happens. ... We are just waiting for the decree absolute to pop through the door now. I agree with you and meremead. ..her a ger when I even attempt to extract simple details from her of the A...is due to her shame and strong will not to divulge anything to me. I've not even asked about the sex itself. ..that just makes me feel sick. I'm only asking about the WHY in first place....HOW it came about...and frequency and venues...she won't tell me and she gets angry and I end up backing off and even offering her sympathy when she's so upset....crazy I know... but when I am angry to her about the a...it drains me of energy....and not much later I feel physically unwell. ..dizzy a bit sick and sometimes irregular hearbeat. ..its not good for me either. .But don't want to get any more depressed either.... for first 3 weeks since Dday. ...I didn't have anger or constant videos and images of their sex. ...but I am getting this now. ...and it's really crushing me...I must've been stunned the first 3 weeks. ... she has told me about their going for coffees together. ..do you know that hurts me unbelievably....maybe as much as the liasons. ..!! Thanks LH ...hope things improve for you too...talk again soon Hi lisbon It's an honour if I can help you in any way at all now. Can't come round & talk sense into WW tho! Huge plane fare lol. Plus there's no sense to be made I think. Merrmeade's threads are interesting. We're all peas in a pod somewhat. Now don't you worry about me! I'm a Lion. He's a crab. Lions eat crabs for breakfast. Only joshin. I was SO IN LOVE with my H before D Day. He'd been an angel for the month b4. Now I realize he was motivated by guilt (he'd stopped his A but was in panic mode). I'm in a strange place with our M / with WH. Apparently it can take 6m-2y before the total realization of our spouses A takes hold. My WH has my user name but I've always spoken with him about anything I post b4 I've posted it. I was virtually drunk for a month after my D Day. I took leave on D Day and struggled to go to work after 6w. I really wonder had the house been in my name only would I have kicked him to the curb that night. Just don't know probably would have. I told him to leave that night. He did. He came back the next morning and found me making an appt for a psych. I'd had 1.5h of broken sleep, broken by me waking up 5x and crying. The kids were at my DDs. Each of us have our own sh** to work out regarding anything and everything post D Day. Some things are similar, others not. One thing I know for certain. I've never "stayed" with a cheater after my D Day in previous relationships. This time I was so angry that I'd brought 3 MORE chn into the world with an unworthy man. Why should I have to take 99% of the responsibility when he could walk away scott free, be housed for free and have the freedom to work 24/7 and not ever support them financially. They have never been a burden but I was angry he could drop us all like hotcakes. WH issues about leaving were access to the chn and never being able to reconcile with me when he may choose to at a later date. Basically early on he said I should wait for him for up to 2y so he could work out what he wanted. My response was leave. I've worked out what I want. Now at almost 14w since D Day I have no trouble at all with him leaving. I am not comfortable with R but I'm trying to give it a chance. It plagued with issues. Mostly WHs. As with you and the "meeting for coffee", there are seemingly trivial things that bugged me at first. I don't care at all about those things now. My mind is processing. My love is diminishing. Whether he stays or goes my paperwork regarding ALL assets should be completed inside 3y sigh. That's if I can stand it for that long. Otherwise I sell the house and be in unchartered waters housing wise to keep local till all chn finish HS. 8y. Uni? More. We can move to Ks farm 4h away. That means the chn lose all their friends here. DD is here too. It would break our hearts to lose these close connections too. It really would. I don't want to blow up our family. It's the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. I'm not making it lightly. Neither of us want this M to end with 100% certainty. It's the glimpse of hope we have that keeps us here. Just trying to answer your questions. :-)) LH 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Hi Lionheart I've not had a good day today after posting to you last night... I've read all your dealings and it is really inspiring how you are coping...under tremendous pressure of course. The fact you have 3 children to the WS makes it so much more difficult and you are having to cope with so many other issues than in my own case....I'm with you for as much support as possible just now....peas in a pod we all here without a doubt...!! I had a 'good' day yesterday and I was very civil to her.... this morning I simply asked her about the going for 'coffees' to a local cafe.Because it just occurred to me that they must have been meeting during the day while I was at work. All the nights out to her 'friend' to talk and drink wine...I had thought these were the only liasons. .terrible as they were alone. I was bursting today to ask about the going for coffees...I couldn't resist it even though I knew normally she would get crazy and just storm away. ..but she told me he was nipping out of work and meeting her for coffees during his lunchtime. .. I felt sick and angry...then couldn't stop myself asking other questions. ... as I said earlier. ..it ended up with me...and her to an extent....feeling really not well. .. I was having a bad panic attack only couple of hours ago...felt my head was going to explode and white as a sheet....pacing about the floor like I was detached from my own soul.... isn't it the cruelest possible irony that the one person...whom you've lived with and loved...is the one person you seek to help you and comfort you in this mind numbing illness....is the SAME person who caused you to be like this...!! She has been very kind to me in the past and nursed me with care when I've had the man flu or whatever. ... when I felt ill today I wanted to go to her...but how can I...?? She also changed her story again today on when was the first time she slept with him....not the same as the night when she told me last week.... I'm still bursting to ask her some questions. ..New ones arise in my mind every day...Some quite innocuous. ...but what's the point when they make her crazy and me ill....
LifeWasted Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 lisbon I think you are correct in divorcing her. She is not remorseful. But why ask her all the details? I don't get why you torture yourself this way. She cheated. You know she cheated. You are ending it. Why not just do a 180 and walk away? I just left a LTR, after my GF cheated on me, and I never wanted to know the details. I'd probably throw her in a river if I heard them. 3
Lion Heart Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Hi Lionheart I've not had a good day today after posting to you last night... I've read all your dealings and it is really inspiring how you are coping...under tremendous pressure of course. The fact you have 3 children to the WS makes it so much more difficult and you are having to cope with so many other issues than in my own case....I'm with you for as much support as possible just now....peas in a pod we all here without a doubt...!! I had a 'good' day yesterday and I was very civil to her.... this morning I simply asked her about the going for 'coffees' to a local cafe.Because it just occurred to me that they must have been meeting during the day while I was at work. All the nights out to her 'friend' to talk and drink wine...I had thought these were the only liasons. .terrible as they were alone. I was bursting today to ask about the going for coffees...I couldn't resist it even though I knew normally she would get crazy and just storm away. ..but she told me he was nipping out of work and meeting her for coffees during his lunchtime. .. I felt sick and angry...then couldn't stop myself asking other questions. ... as I said earlier. ..it ended up with me...and her to an extent....feeling really not well. .. I was having a bad panic attack only couple of hours ago...felt my head was going to explode and white as a sheet....pacing about the floor like I was detached from my own soul.... isn't it the cruelest possible irony that the one person...whom you've lived with and loved...is the one person you seek to help you and comfort you in this mind numbing illness....is the SAME person who caused you to be like this...!! She has been very kind to me in the past and nursed me with care when I've had the man flu or whatever. ... when I felt ill today I wanted to go to her...but how can I...?? She also changed her story again today on when was the first time she slept with him....not the same as the night when she told me last week.... I'm still bursting to ask her some questions. ..New ones arise in my mind every day...Some quite innocuous. ...but what's the point when they make her crazy and me ill.... Hi lisbon, We all have to do post-DDay the way we want. Both times I phoned and spoke to the OW FIRST. Even the "1st OWs" mother answered the call and I asked her a handful of questions b4 speaking to her D. For me I needed ALL the details as much as I could piece together. That's me. Once I know and the rage has dispersed, I'm much better than puzzling & questioning things in my own head. That's crazy making stuff for ME. Not everyone just me. Basically I had chn to each cheating spouse, therefore there will be their questions as they mature and my friends & family's ones too. It's not about anything for me but knowing all the facts. I am close to a lot of people. It may be "none of their business" but in my world it is. Like a "lock up your daughters" warning. In other LTRs when I suspected cheating or the plain intention to, I simply cut and run. No more info needed for me. I was done. Over time and as D is imminent, just keep spending a lot more time on YOUR healing. The fact in your case is that the whole A happened a long time ago. The opportunity to phone the OM may be gone. The chance of R is gone (or is it?). If you're D anyway and you already KNOW she's lying her a$$ off, why bother. In your case I'd get all the info, write it down in a timeline and file it under A for ********* or Z for zero. Prefer Z then it's at the back! If I could put myself in your situation I'd do the following: 1) get a lease on a 1 b/room flat WAY across town in a neighborhood you NEVER visit and move her out. 2) pay 3m rent and have it in her name. She signs for it. You pack her stuff in boxes immediately and get every last tiny little thing of hers or REMINDS you of her and get it all out now. 3) if the house / property is in your name only (get legal advice I suppose) sell it if you can't handle being there. This healed me so much faster last time. 4) give her any furniture you want rid of. Write it all down for settlement and $$$ for lease etc. 5) change all your numbers. Block her from work numbers. Alert security at your work with her photo. She's not to enter the building. Basically UNLESS you follow thru with the 180 in FULL, this is just gonna go ON AND ON AND ON until you have a heart attack. NB: change your Will immediately if you haven't done so!!!! Cite the reasons for the change. Here in Oz, if you leave a small amount eg $1000 then her success at contesting the Will is greatly reduced. Not sure where your laws sit on this. Find out and act accordingly. IF you haven't told EVERYONE in your family then I wonder if you're serious about D. Tell them. They'll support you in your weak moments. Lion Heart. 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) Lionheart... thanks for your thoughts on this...I will read more carefully again and reply in more detail later...I agree I need to focus on the 180 in FULL rather than focus on getting all the details. ..when I know she is lying her ass off anyway. .or she just says 'I can't remember "...need to worry about my own health because I can feel that going downhill recently due to this whole thing...the A was over 11 years ago...and that should make me feel and recover a bit better...but she confirmed her A only 3 weeks and gave SOME details which I didn't know about. ...so it still kinda feels like the A has just happened. In some ways I feel WORSE that if happened 11 years ago ...and I continued with her for all these years...I organised various nice holidays for us...all the Christmas s with my family...weekend away...family days with my 2 kids etc etc....They all feel a lie now...that she has tainted them beyond belief and I hate her for this destroying 12 years of our 'story' and my life... I got a letter yesterday confirming our divorce. .and that the final decree absolute will come in 21 days if there is no objection lodged by my wife in this time. ...I am the applicant for the divorce...she is the 'other party'.... I have had wavering moments about sometimes hoping that it coukd be put on hold and we could try and work things through together somehow. ..but I know this is just the fear part of me emerging and I should tell it to 'shut up'...and press ahead resolutely. ...but I still love her...in a strange way. ..not a whole love...but still strong feelings... lifewasted . ..I agree with you...no point in torturing myself about details when the final divorce is only about 2 weeks away...and I should concentrate on the 180....appreciated Edited April 4, 2015 by lisbon67 2
Darren Steez Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Bro, think of it as abuse, because it truly is. The pain, the dishonesty how unfair it is, if I asked you here pick a woman, she's beautiful, sexy then put you in a machine which takes you to the future where she cheated on you and you actually get to experience that pain and hurt, would you still pick her? Of course not, you'd run like hell. Of course we've removed the good moments, maybe there would have been actual love and trust, laughs, passion but does that mitigate the fact that one day she will stab you in the back and break your heart? No. Heart says fight for the good times, instinct tells you to run. You've trusted your instinct thus far and it has served you well. Ride out the self doubt and stay on course and stay strong. Forget about questioning her, employ the five second rule where if you feel like you're going to blurt something out pause and wait 5 seconds. Her life her mess, stop letting her drag you down with her. 2
Lion Heart Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Lisbon, None of us truly know what you're going through. Most BSs have SOME idea but every situation has different elements. It's actually your pain, your memories, your betrayal and ofcourse YOUR DECISION about what to do now. As others point out regularly, we are all just faceless posts online. We share our experience and offer direction but ultimately we don't share your ACTUAL life. The decisions are yours. They affect you, you can't tell everyone including yourself "it's not my fault I got a D, everyone on LS told me to". You know this. Steez made excellent points. I want to make a few more: 1) this is basic - your WW has wanted a baby. You held back not being sure. SHE WANTS A BABY. This need is likely never to leave her until she's reached menopause. Then she'd resent you more than she does already IF you tried to R. Unless you can be willing to father her child, and I AM NOT suggesting you do this, but she's probably not ever going to be happy with you. If you let her go, she may have that chance? 2) maybe you need to get business like about this. Not $$ but thinking rationally about your relationship. Write the pros and cons for D and same for R. No one has a crystal ball for either path. I'm a strong believer that if any reason is about FEAR then it's not a good point to have down. 3) R is not for the feint hearted. There have got to be strong motivating points TO remain together. Maybe more needs met by each partner. Is this possible? 4) you can move on and you will if you D. There are far more single women at your age than men. Men are in short supply I hear! You may not have a VERY young partner next time but she may be far more compatible. She may even stay faithful and love you to pieces. Who knows. Just understand that you're still processing and being that your D Day was only 3w ago, you've moved very fast. Some of us have to. Maybe you need to leave for a few days and try to get some clarity. It just may be too much seeing her all the time. Remember to look after yourself. I've tried to too but my health is not good at all since D Day and it seems to be getting progressively worse. I'm taking my kids on a holiday in a few days. Then to Ks farm. I need time out SO much. Yesterday my chn and I were invited to stay at my SILs uncle's multi million $$ farm in June. They're fully renovating a huge palace it seems just for "family" to visit and stay. You need to start planning some fun times away. You really need something to look forward to. It helps alot. Take care Lion Heart. 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 Great thought provoking stuff from both Darren and of course Lionheart. ..will get back on this asap..many thanks...its a great support just now...as most difficult time I've ever experienced in my life...back soon...best wishes.. 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Steez. ..jeez your time machine point really hit home....I had some wavering doubts about her behaviour just after I met her in Ukraine and before we even got engaged in Oct 2002 when she came here to scotland for 2 weeks.... yes...she was young, good looking, sexy but with a 'madam' slightly brat attitude. .which at time I found quite appealing in a strange way.... Jeez...If I could've had your time machine then I would have run 100 miles an hour in other direction...its been hellish with her affair, alcholic small, periodic violent behaviour through drink...and she waits nearly 12 years before spilling her guts about her 3 month...coukd be longer...! And as Lionheart points out...There were many nice times in amongst this as well. ..she does also having a caring loving side at times.... but I realise her now for what she is....a very manipulate sceming very devious dangerous woman...who is also insecure at times... I agree it is almost years of abuse and lies and she kept in to herself for over 11 years...and made these 11 years of our marriage one big lie... I hate her for this....because I could have been spending more quality times with my 2 kids and 2 grandkids instead of being permanently tense and anxious and wondering what she was going to do next.... I just remembered that one day my daughter came to visit me....and she called me into the kitchen and said ' either she goes or I go" ie she wanted my daughter to leave...I said no way...my daughter is always welcome. ..she then cut her wrist with a knife...but not too deep... I had to take my daughter to my mums then come back and tend to my wife.... Lionheart. ..will ger back to you on your excellent and valuable points asap...x 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Lionheart. ..I just wondered. ..because after everything you have gone through ....and are going through. ,,Do you have any Scottish conections...tho in Australia? ...you should be 'Braveheart ' ..not Lionheart. ....God Bless. ..I'm really struggling just now...but so good to have your support X 2
LifeWasted Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Lionheart. ..I just wondered. ..because after everything you have gone through ....and are going through. ,,Do you have any Scottish conections...tho in Australia? ...you should be 'Braveheart ' ..not Lionheart. ....God Bless. ..I'm really struggling just now...but so good to have your support X Well you definitely have my support my friend. No, I have no Scottish connections....sorry. I do have some old surfing mates down in Oz, but they are old farts like me. And I have not talked to them in years. Thank you for the compliments, but I am no William Wallace. Wish I was. I would impale my xWGF's car with a massive claymore! 2
Lion Heart Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Lionheart. ..I just wondered. ..because after everything you have gone through ....and are going through. ,,Do you have any Scottish conections...tho in Australia? ...you should be 'Braveheart ' ..not Lionheart. ....God Bless. ..I'm really struggling just now...but so good to have your support X Hi lisbon, I think I tried Braveheart as a user name! Snap! Not related to Mel Gibson either. :-) phew. Lol. But yes because we've traced back to 1300s in branches of the family tree I'm certain there'd be Scottish because there is Irish (no laughing now), English, Tahitian (Mutiny on the Bounty descendant), Mauritian and other Polynesian blood too that I'm very proud of. My WH is of Irish descendancy. Ok you can laugh a little now! .... No laugh a lot! Oh dear I'm gonna get in trouble for trying to cheer you up. We hope to go to our "Granny's" house in Ireland one day because it's such a beautiful country. Granny is not a blood relation. Just the only "grandparent" figure good to our kids. The colours go on in my descendants, DD aboriginal and Grandson all that ^^^^^^ plus Greek Egyptian and OH SO handsome! Neopolitan coloured family - sweet. Lion Heart. 1
Lion Heart Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 [quote=LifeWasted;6254777) I do have some old surfing mates down in Oz, but they are old farts like me. And I have not talked to them in years. Thank you for the compliments, but I am no William Wallace. Wish I was. I would impale my xWGF's car with a massive claymore! Tut tut Life "old farts"! Language. Aren't you in your mid 40's?? A baby. I'm the big 5-0 later this year and since MOST of my family live till almost 100, I'm nowhere near done yet! And still in WOW Girls surfing group. So you're talking to your new surfing mate! Lion Heart. 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 ust understand that you're still processing and being that your D Day was only 3w ago, you've moved very fast. Some of us have to. Maybe you need to leave for a few days and try to get some clarity. It just may be too much seeing her all the time. Remember to look after yourself. I've tried to too but my health is not good at all since D Day and it seems to be getting progressively worse. I'm taking my kids on a holiday in a few days. Then to Ks farm. I need time out SO much. Yeah Lionheart. ..I think I need to get away for a few days....this is nearly 4 weeks since Dday now...and for first time..my looking at her every day is beginning to really disgust me...but I don't want to get angry...despite some sound advice that this is preferable to repressing depression. ...because it just makes me ill...and still lying her ass off about what actually happened during the A... I now fear that it didn't end when I thought it did...she wasn't going out at night anymore to this mystery 'girl friend'....but she did say they went for a coffee 'once' during his lunchtime. ..so maybe it went more 'underground'...as I was away all day far from home...she says no ..It stopped when I thought it stopped...but I'm not convinced now.... but getting angry ..makes me unwell especially the frustration of her 'I can't remember '...or plainly lying and changing story every day...! I've been having panic again and some days feel I'm losing my mind when thinking what they were up to... ...glad to hear about all your ancestral connections. ..and with even a smidgeon of Scots in you ....you can probably do a better Scottish accent that Braveheart Mel Gibson. .. I'm Scottish/Irish. ..myself...my dad's side came originally from Donegal in Ireland...not long after the Famine...you should definitely visit Ireland. ..its beautiful and very friendly...I've been many times and particularly like the south west...Cork and Kerry...are fantastic. .. ..nearly as beautiful and friendly as Scotland. .....you should hope over here too from Ireland when you and kids go. ..x 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Hi lifewasted..lol... ..If I was William Wallace. ..I would take a giant Claymore to her livers car...The one he picked her up in right outside my front door after she had called him after we had had a big fight about her 'liasons' which at this time she still claimed were with a female 'friend '...then he turns up to rescue her and she was out the door like a shot... But I can't find the bugger now...it will be 12 years ago come this September. ..! 1
Lion Heart Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Yeah Lionheart. ..I think I need to get away for a few days....this is nearly 4 weeks since Dday now...and for first time..my looking at her every day is beginning to really disgust me...but I don't want to get angry...despite some sound advice that this is preferable to repressing depression. ...because it just makes me ill...and still lying her ass off about what actually happened during the A... I now fear that it didn't end when I thought it did...she wasn't going out at night anymore to this mystery 'girl friend'....but she did say they went for a coffee 'once' during his lunchtime. ..so maybe it went more 'underground'...as I was away all day far from home...she says no ..It stopped when I thought it stopped...but I'm not convinced now.... but getting angry ..makes me unwell especially the frustration of her 'I can't remember '...or plainly lying and changing story every day...! I've been having panic again and some days feel I'm losing my mind when thinking what they were up to... ...glad to hear about all your ancestral connections. ..and with even a smidgeon of Scots in you ....you can probably do a better Scottish accent that Braveheart Mel Gibson. .. I'm Scottish/Irish. ..myself...my dad's side came originally from Donegal in Ireland...not long after the Famine...you should definitely visit Ireland. ..its beautiful and very friendly...I've been many times and particularly like the south west...Cork and Kerry...are fantastic. .. ..nearly as beautiful and friendly as Scotland. .....you should hope over here too from Ireland when you and kids go. ..x Lisbon, I'm not sure if anyone's told you that it takes 6m-2years! To fully process your spouse's A. Read other threads if you can. Some like badkarma and peaksandvalleys show outright rage right through to controlled, clever and complete management of absolutely EVERYTHING to blast the BEST D DAY of all. I've felt my rage disintegrate as I read. Others felt the SAME complete disgust, devastation, betrayal and absolutely every emotion I felt. I felt normal! Mental but normal! I saw a psych on Day 3 after D Day. My G** lisbon when I remember that day..... I was afraid I could have murdered him with glee. I'd made the appt the day after D Day and I had NO IDEA I could come that close to murder 2 days after I made the appt. Not just murder but murder with glee. THIS IS WHY I KNOW you're doing SO WELL. This is why I jump to hold new members hands. Just don't go there. You need time out. She just has to move out. You WILL find love again. Panic attacks and / or triggers are normal reactions. They STINK but they're normal ESPECIALLY when she's in your face every day. Believe me, they go so fast when they are physically gone. These reactions are replaced by grief and loss. But truly not for long if you step up. Plan heaps and heaps of great times. Take your familiy on trips. I'm planning that many trips! !! And functions to attend for my favourite charities. I'm reconnecting on a deeper level with my good friends. Friends I've neglected since marrying dipsh**. Lol. Things we could never "afford" because I was paying nightmares debts. He's got them all now and isn't WH just SO HAPPY? ?? NO. Well neither am I! Do everything he says. Pay every debt of his. Do everything I can to make him happy and my THANKYOU darling faithful wife is an A with a hag 11y older than him. Woohooooooo freedom. That's what WH hates the most. I'm getting myself back. He still tries to RULE me, but hey! No rules for you? Then ME neither!! Right now. Right this MINUTE make a plan with someone. Keep doing it even if you DON'T feel like doing it. By the time you're ready, when she's gone, you may be too depressed to do anything. THEN you just have to because you made plans! Don't dwell in this moment. This too shall pass AS EVERYTHING ON EARTH passes. Grab this moment and have a friggin ball. Did I tell you I'm going to a real BALL in November? So as sh** as I may feel in those dips between my events, I know I've got so much to look forward to. You do too. Many blessings Lion Heart.
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