MY FWB Problem

[Darla]

Guys usually want sexual exclusivity. Don't be deceived by this. It does not mean they've fallen in love with you; it just means they don't want to think they are sharing your body with another guy. Sexual exclusivity is not the same as an emotional relationship with love and fidelity. I think this catches a lot of women out.

 

I can see that but that's why when your in a FWB relationship..you don't ask or tell about what you do when the two of you are not together. You can't be jealous and if you don't want to think about it... don't ask. That's just my take on it.

[spiderowl]

I can see that but that's why when your in a FWB relationship..you don't ask or tell about what you do when the two of you are not together. You can't be jealous and if you don't want to think about it... don't ask. That's just my take on it.

 

Logically, I completely agree with you. How many people behave logically in relationships? If we have sex with someone, it triggers certain instinctive responses - not always love or a relationship, but quite often the desire to protect the sexual exclusivity aspect and to know what the other person is up to. It doesn't make sense, no.

[Darla]

Logically, I completely agree with you. How many people behave logically in relationships? If we have sex with someone, it triggers certain instinctive responses - not always love or a relationship, but quite often the desire to protect the sexual exclusivity aspect and to know what the other person is up to. It doesn't make sense, no.

 

 

No it does not. Its very confusing

[No Limit]

Right? I thought the rules were odd though some people say there are no rules. NO ONE needs to know what you do when your not with them unless their feelings are at steak. I don't ask him anything because it simply does not matter. I tend to want to believe him though I see things in his behavior that make me think otherwise. I guess I just don't see the benefits in lying about what you want. I think perhaps you are right and I should let him go. Pitty ... it used to be fun.

 

Those people who say that there are no rules are the type that doesn't care about their FWB partner in the slightest, without respect. The typical scenario is usually a naive girl continously hooking up with her crush who then suddenly breaks it off because he found a GF. On the other hand, FWBs tend to confuse the men too - just google for "how to make her fall in love with me", all those threads with those topics are probably what's going on in your FWBs head.

[PaperCrane]

I used to think putting a label on it was a bad thing as we never seemed to fit any bill. The just of it is we are not in a committed relationship. We enjoy each others company and have amazing sex. I will admit that when he did say he had feelings for me... I did feel ... something for him. I buried it and don't go there cuz I don't want to. I guess thats why I thought he could put away his feelings as well. It does not seem like it though.

 

 

Ah, there it is. This is, in my opinion, why this is so confusing for you.

 

You keep mentioning rules and in a way hiding behind them. I don't know your dating past or current situation but I can tell clear as day you have walls up and this guy started to crack them. You seem to like the sweetness and warmth he gives you so you really don't put your foot down about it. When you say no but accept the gestures he feels like he's conquering something, which as a guy, is quite a thrill.

 

Now for my $.02;

 

I personally wouldn't just end it, both of you seem a bit fragile at the moment but everyone is in their lives we just tend to hide it pretty well. If you truly enjoy his presence, how he makes you feel, and the sex is nice I think a casual dating situation with exclusivity wouldn't really hurt anything further than things already are. The foundation is there it just seems both of you are afraid to admit it because of 'the rules'.

[Darla]

I will share a bit of our history. I had known him for over a year before anything happened between us. I met him at work. He was a contractor for one of the jobs the design company I work for was doing. He was in a relationship and so was I at the time. I will admit I never thought about him in that way back then. Ever. We became friends and would just talk about things randomly. My relationship began to hit a downward slope, his did as well. We would text each other about the problems we were having. My BF cheated on me and he suspected his GF had done the same. One day he just... flirted with me. He had never done that before. After that I found myself thinking about him in ways I never had. I figured it was just cause I was feeling down about my BF cheating. Before I knew it ...our friendship became physical. Not long after that..I ended my relationship with my BF. Not for JC ( thats what I will call him)because he was still involved with someone. We (JC and I ) would talk about his situation all the time. I listened as friend without giving any advice. He wanted out of that relationship but their were kids involved so it became a bit difficult. We had stopped our affair a few times but it always resumed up again. I don't know when he said he had feelings for me, I just know I did not look at that as anything more since he had a GF. I felt for him as a friend and I cared for him as a person but my feelings were clouded because I just got out of a relationship. We had both said in the beginning that this could not go anywhere. I have always looked at it that way. He eventually broke with her, right after Valentines Day. He pulled away from me for a bit..which was understandable and then we talked again about what we wanted from each other. I wanted what we had.. he did too but he said it could not be a relationship because he just could not do one. I was fine with this because I did not want one either. I will admit that during this time I had notice his behavior as being different. He seemed ... needy. He began to question why I did not text him after work as if I was supposed to, he would want hello and goodbye kisses, he'd call me before bed time and he began to hold my hand whenever we were together. I felt it was a bit ..relationship-y but I figured it meant nothing as I took him at his word. Then one day he told me he no longer knew what he wanted. He was confused and said at time he wanted a relationship but did not to just jump into one and other times he just did not want a commitment. I was highly confused as I did not think he was talking about me. But he was. He felt we were headed down relationship road. I told him I would walk away from it and just let him be. We did not have to continue if it felt like that. He said he didn't know if he even wanted to do that. He asked me to let him think. I told him I didn't want anything more than what we had and if that was too much then it would be best to part. He asked me to let him think. I figured perhaps his feelings were getting to be to much...so I let go. 3 weeks later he came around again being flirty and what not. He wanted to resume this but again said it could not be a relationship because he felt broken and depressed from the previous break up. I again told him I have never wanted or asked for a relationship and asked him if he was the one who wanted that. He said no. Then we talked about what we both expect from this and honestly it's like dating without feelings. It's not FWB. I am taking it as an FWB relationship but I do worry that he can't bury his feelings and will never tell me thats what it is. I could be wrong but because he keeps stressing the " no relationship " part ...when I clearly don't want one.. I wonder who he is stressing that to? Himself?

[PaperCrane]

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite novel series: "Words are wind."

 

Actions from both of you say otherwise, like the words are there as your shield from what is actually happening. I could almost taste the tinge of guilt in there about the affair. Both relationships got keelhauled and both of you were there for each other through it, seeing all the bad but relying on each other.

 

After all that pain it is understandable that both of you would stick to saying that. Hearts mend slowly, but it would be fallacious to say there are no feelings involved with either of you. He's waiting on you to say you're ready because you've said from day-zero that you didn't want a relationship.

 

He's made his intentions clear as a neon sign at this point with a dude outside with a sign "Eat at JC's!". It's up to you if you wanna go inside.

[Darla]

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite novel series: "Words are wind."

 

Actions from both of you say otherwise, like the words are there as your shield from what is actually happening. I could almost taste the tinge of guilt in there about the affair. Both relationships got keelhauled and both of you were there for each other through it, seeing all the bad but relying on each other.

 

After all that pain it is understandable that both of you would stick to saying that. Hearts mend slowly, but it would be fallacious to say there are no feelings involved with either of you. He's waiting on you to say you're ready because you've said from day-zero that you didn't want a relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's made his intentions clear as a neon sign at this point with a dude outside with a sign "Eat at JC's!". It's up to you if you wanna go inside.

 

 

 

 

I will tell u what happened yesterday and then you can tell me if you still feel the same way. We were to meet after work to hook up for a bit before I left out of town. All week we had been texting and seeing each other however when I mentioned I was going out of town (Wednesday ) the messages suddenly became less. On Thursday there were none at all. Even the two messages I sent went unanswered and one was work related. I figured he was busy but found it a bit strange he would be so silent. Yesterday he texted me and mentioned he was not mad yesterday..just busy, though I never even brought it up. He asked if I missed him. I said " yes ". He replied with " Lies ". Like I said we were to meet up and he talked about it all day and then he asked if he could meet me at my place. I was packing for my trip and texting my ride for a departure time (maybe about 5 mins total ) and as I was about to text him sure " he beat me to it saying he could not meet after all. I said " Ok " He asked if I was upset. I wasn't so I said "No, it's ok stuff happens " I asked if he was and he said " Ya. I wanted to be with u" He had to go pick up his son. I told him maybe this was for the best as being with him would make me miss him over the weekend and a little distance would only make us eager for my return. He did not reply. I asked if he was ok. No reply. Before I left I sent a text saying I did not know if it was anything I said that made him silent but it was not coming from I negative place. I assured him I did understand about him not being able to meet and that I would feel better about this if he would just let me know if he was ok. He never replied. I'm not sure if this is a game to him or not. I find it a little.. rude that he would just not answer and while I would believe there is something wrong..... I am getting ready to give this whole thing up. Silence says a lot. Right now it says he doesn't care.

[Darla]

I don't want to sound uncaring at all nor do I want to sound like I am making a big deal out of nothing. I guess common sense tells me that when someone usually does something and then they don't ..there is usually a reason. So when he did not reply to my text messages .. I sensed the problem was not that he was physically unable to but that it was more like , he did not want to. The fact that he brought it up the next day without me asking him what happened makes me think it worried him ...and the fact that he asked if I missed him... well that ..right there makes me think he may have done it on purpose. But why? When I told him I would be out of town over Easter weekend he said something odd and it bothered me though I let it go thinking it was nothing, however after it was said ..did all of this happen. His response to me going away was " Your gonna have a lot of fun" I said " I'm excited to go though I have been before and I can't wait to shop and attend the party" This is where his reply was.. well odd. He said " I did not mean anything bad by it jerk" Why would he say that? I don't think anything I said implied that he did. Any why call me a jerk? I responded with " I didn't think you did. At all. Why would you?" That's why he stopped replying and the following day he said nothing at all.... then well..you know the rest. From all this I can tell you that it would seem as if he may be upset because I am away, however we never see each other on weekends anyway so it seems silly that he would even care about that. I am feeling he does things to get a reaction from me instead of just talking to me.

[calvincline47]

Why not, though? That I don't understand. If there are feelings, why not pursue them and see what happens? Because it's not even as if he made that decision because YOU are not interested (doesn't matter if you are or not, though, it's not like he asked and you said no)

 

My FWB is still massively hung up on his ex(we started sleeping together a week after they broke up, a few months ago). I'm the distraction. And that's cool. I'm actively putting myself out there and dating other people. He isn't, but that makes sense in his situation...

 

Not to change the subject, but don't you think that it's a bit dishonest to have a FWB, while seriously dating other people?

[Darla]

Not to change the subject, but don't you think that it's a bit dishonest to have a FWB, while seriously dating other people?

 

 

Are you talking to me or ASG? I think she was saying her FWB was hung up on his ex which he was not seeing anymore. If your talking to me... my and my FWB's relationships were on the fence because they had been unfaithful. In my situation, I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue the relationship with my BF and he was aware of that. My FWB was in the same boat but since he has kids he found it harder to leave. To answer your question...yes..it is dishonest however the people we were dating obviously did not take our relationship seriously or they would not have strayed.

[calvincline47]

Are you talking to me or ASG? I think she was saying her FWB was hung up on his ex which he was not seeing anymore. If your talking to me... my and my FWB's relationships were on the fence because they had been unfaithful. In my situation, I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue the relationship with my BF and he was aware of that. My FWB was in the same boat but since he has kids he found it harder to leave. To answer your question...yes..it is dishonest however the people we were dating obviously did not take our relationship seriously or they would not have strayed.

 

I wasn't addressing you.

 

But your situation sounds very complicated lol. Sorry for derailing your thread a bit.

[ASG]

Not to change the subject, but don't you think that it's a bit dishonest to have a FWB, while seriously dating other people?

 

Seriously? Where did I say I was SERIOUSLY dating other people? If that happens, me and my FWB will be done. As it stands, I've gone on dates, I've flirted with other guys, I am LOOKING. How is that dishonest? I am, very much, single.

 

My FWB is my regular sex outlet. He is hung up on his ex, so this is all it's going to be (though I doubt we'd even be right for each other, were he not, but it's easy to turn to him, cause he's comfortable, he's familiar and he's THERE).

 

I kinda want to have a relationship. So, if it's not going to be him, I need to keep looking. What is wrong with that? My half assed "search" has so far wielded no serious results, though!

[Darla]

Seriously? Where did I say I was SERIOUSLY dating other people? If that happens, me and my FWB will be done. As it stands, I've gone on dates, I've flirted with other guys, I am LOOKING. How is that dishonest? I am, very much, single.

 

My FWB is my regular sex outlet. He is hung up on his ex, so this is all it's going to be (though I doubt we'd even be right for each other, were he not, but it's easy to turn to him, cause he's comfortable, he's familiar and he's THERE).

 

I kinda want to have a relationship. So, if it's not going to be him, I need to keep looking. What is wrong with that? My half assed "search" has so far wielded no serious results, though!

 

 

 

You didn't. I'm not sure where they got that and thought it came from me. You are not dishonest sweetie. You are fine.