Not Feeling Appreciated

[ImASensitiveGuy]

You may not realise this but you have become the feminine energy in the relationship. That is part of why this is not working out and it makes me wonder what the relationship between you and your parents were like, particularly with your mother. It's also why the pics didn't get a response.

 

You have placed the girl on a pedestal. Worship the paradise that is between her legs? seriously?

 

She is just a human being. Your way of thinking shows signs of programming and I think that you have lost contact with your masculinity replacing it with some kind of fantasy of how a guy should be with a girl.

 

If you get married, it will be a mistake and your future career and everything else will be placed at risk. Do it and you will regret it.

 

I would disregard the magazines she has been showing you and all of the hints, that is simply her fantasy. A fantasy of the big day, the ring, the wedding ceremony and the cake. You are not a part of the reality. It would be extremely unwise to propose or marry.

 

Last time I checked, I'm still a guy, I enjoy sports, cigars, a nice drink, and business. Sorry that I am more in touch with a classier approach and hold her in high regard.

 

I have a good relationship with my mother, and an ok one with my father. I have always been the one to bring emotion into the relationship - she is not great at showing emotion nor great at cute-girlfriend things. I admit I have picked that up, but only because I genuinely enjoy it. And She isn't obsessing over "the big day", just hinting at it.

 

I don't know exactly what you were trying to get across, and I don't see how me being a sensitive, caring and romantic individual has any dampering effect on my masculinity. Please do let me know, because I have yet to see a healthy relationship where the man does not express at least a hint of emotion. And heck, I don't even express myself half the time - I just make it my goal in our relationship to make her happy. And that is why I am here, because I'm trying to figure out if she does the same, because right now I'm certainly not feeling it.

[TMichaels]

And heck, I don't even express myself half the time - I just make it my goal in our relationship to make her happy. And that is why I am here, because I'm trying to figure out if she does the same, because right now I'm certainly not feeling it.

 

 

Seems like there's a whole lot of people in this relationship "not expressing themselves." Maybe that's what the real problem is.

 

Instead of telling a bunch of strangers what's your gripe and asking them to divine the truth, you ought to be asking her what's the deal and letting her know your thoughts and how it makes you feel.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 31, 2015 by TMichaels

[OnlyHonesty]

Last time I checked, I'm still a guy, I enjoy sports, cigars, a nice drink, and business. Sorry that I am more in touch with a classier approach and hold her in high regard.

 

I have a good relationship with my mother, and an ok one with my father. I have always been the one to bring emotion into the relationship - she is not great at showing emotion nor great at cute-girlfriend things. I admit I have picked that up, but only because I genuinely enjoy it. And She isn't obsessing over "the big day", just hinting at it.

 

I don't know exactly what you were trying to get across, and I don't see how me being a sensitive, caring and romantic individual has any dampering effect on my masculinity. Please do let me know, because I have yet to see a healthy relationship where the man does not express at least a hint of emotion. And heck, I don't even express myself half the time - I just make it my goal in our relationship to make her happy. And that is why I am here, because I'm trying to figure out if she does the same, because right now I'm certainly not feeling it.

 

You are still a guy but are you still the guy in the relationship? That's the point I was trying to get across.

 

Holding a person or a woman in high regard is different to placing them on a pedestal, you made no distinction between the two hence my comments. You still do not see the difference.

 

I was not saying it is bad for a guy to express a hint of emotion but the fact that you continue to do so and give without balance or reciprocation and express a lot more than she does led me to question your parental relationships.

 

You said that ''I don't see how me being a sensitive, caring and romantic individual has any dampering effect on my masculinity.''

 

 

It can have a dampening effect if there is no balance.

 

Then you said ''I don't even express myself half the time - I just make it my goal in our relationship to make her happy. ''

 

That is what occurs when you place someone on a pedestal, you make it your goal to make them happy while forsaking your own needs and happiness.

[kendahke]

 

That list is pretty hard. In the past, I hit almost every one of those points and yet it still landed me here expressing my frustration & concern. I just want to be able to move past this and learn to live with it. I love her and I want to marry her, and no matter how hard it might be for me, she's a great person at heart and I couldn't see myself with anyone better overall.

 

Youth is wasted on the young.

 

Yeah, let's hear what you have to say when you're 48 and you're still dealing with this treatment from her--but you have 4 children, a job you don't like and are mortgaged up to your eyeballs.

 

My only concern with the list is that, if I make myself less available and stop smothering her with affection, will she find that affection / availability elsewhere? My father always told me that I needed to keep a woman happy 24/7 otherwise she will find that happiness elsewhere, and that scares the **** out of me.

 

Anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

 

You father didn't get that quite right. What he should have said was "you need to be happy within yourself and she needs to be happy with herself and only then can you have 24/7 happiness because no one's happiness is predicated upon the other, who will inevitably fail at some point because they're human."

 

She doesn't want to give head or make time in her busy schedule for you--and she's happy with that; however, that's what makes you happy. If you were happy, this thread wouldn't be here. If you could live with her being the taker only, there would be no problem; but for you, she needs to give more and she won't. She may never because that's who she has grown into.

 

The truth of the matter is: you can't stop her from looking outside your relationship for whatever. Marriage certainly doesn't stop it--go read the threads on the infidelity, separating and divorce boards: they'll tell you. All you can do is be who you are. If that isn't good enough for her to be content, then it's best that she does go so you can find the better woman.

[kendahke]

but if the love is strong

 

we're pretty much telling you that it isn't.

 

It's only "strong" in your head. Certainly not hers from what you've written here.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

I've read everyone's reply to my last response and it's indeed heavy stuff. I need to take some time to think about what's been said. I'll be back in a little bit.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

Seems like there's a whole lot of people in this relationship "not expressing themselves." Maybe that's what the real problem is.

 

Instead of telling a bunch of strangers what's your gripe and asking them to divine the truth, you ought to be asking her what's the deal and letting her know your thoughts and how it makes you feel.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thanks, TMichaels. I guess that is the real problem.. I just need to reevaluate myself and my feelings before I bring it up with her.

 

 

You are still a guy but are you still the guy in the relationship? That's the point I was trying to get across.

 

Holding a person or a woman in high regard is different to placing them on a pedestal, you made no distinction between the two hence my comments. You still do not see the difference.

 

I was not saying it is bad for a guy to express a hint of emotion but the fact that you continue to do so and give without balance or reciprocation and express a lot more than she does led me to question your parental relationships.

 

You said that ''I don't see how me being a sensitive, caring and romantic individual has any dampering effect on my masculinity.''

 

 

It can have a dampening effect if there is no balance.

 

Then you said ''I don't even express myself half the time - I just make it my goal in our relationship to make her happy. ''

 

That is what occurs when you place someone on a pedestal, you make it your goal to make them happy while forsaking your own needs and happiness.

 

I am actually completely sorry for kind of lashing back at what you said - your reasoning is far too true. I need to remove her from the pedestal I've constructed and pursue my own goals to hopefully land some residual happiness along the way.

 

After reading what you wrote, I saw a suggested podcast on my phone and listened to it. It talked about happiness and about how toxic it is to put your trust or happiness in something, as it will own you, versus simply trusting or enjoying something, where it does not own you.

 

Thank you.

 

 

Youth is wasted on the young.

 

Yeah, let's hear what you have to say when you're 48 and you're still dealing with this treatment from her--but you have 4 children, a job you don't like and are mortgaged up to your eyeballs.

 

 

 

Anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

 

You father didn't get that quite right. What he should have said was "you need to be happy within yourself and she needs to be happy with herself and only then can you have 24/7 happiness because no one's happiness is predicated upon the other, who will inevitably fail at some point because they're human."

 

She doesn't want to give head or make time in her busy schedule for you--and she's happy with that; however, that's what makes you happy. If you were happy, this thread wouldn't be here. If you could live with her being the taker only, there would be no problem; but for you, she needs to give more and she won't. She may never because that's who she has grown into.

 

The truth of the matter is: you can't stop her from looking outside your relationship for whatever. Marriage certainly doesn't stop it--go read the threads on the infidelity, separating and divorce boards: they'll tell you. All you can do is be who you are. If that isn't good enough for her to be content, then it's best that she does go so you can find the better woman.

 

 

You're right. I'm not immune to what could happen, and marriage won't necessarily solve these issues. Looking at what everyone has written, I see that the issues we have only manifest when we're not together - which is good because now I can see the negatives and we can work on them (if possible). I need to take what you've said into serious consideration.

 

we're pretty much telling you that it isn't.

 

It's only "strong" in your head. Certainly not hers from what you've written here.

 

This hit me hard. I need to think about a lot.

[fitnessfan365]

In all honesty, it comes off like you smother the poor girl and are looking for constant re-affirmation on how she feels about you. It's almost like that you're worried she'll forget about you if you aren't constantly sending her pics of yourself, sending lovey-dovey texts, contacting her all the time, etc.. Also, love isn't a barter system. Just because you do something for her, or say something nice to her, doesn't mean that she is required to match you on it.

 

I'd actually recommend giving the girl some space. There's a lot of truth in "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and if you're ALWAYS in her face, she doesn't have anytime away from you to miss you. Overall, just try to be more secure in your relationship.

Edited April 1, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[ImASensitiveGuy]

In all honesty, it comes off like you smother the poor girl and are looking for constant re-affirmation on how she feels about you. It's almost like that you're worried she'll forget about you if you aren't constantly sending her pics of yourself, sending lovey-dovey texts, contacting her all the time, etc.. Also, love isn't a barter system. Just because you do something for her, or say something nice to her, doesn't mean that she is required to match you on it.

 

I'd actually recommend giving the girl some space. There's a lot of truth in "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and if you're ALWAYS in her face, she doesn't have anytime away from you to miss you. Overall, just try to be more secure in your relationship.

 

In the past three days, I've reduced how much I text her and all I got was several instances of "are you okay?" and now one instance of her being mad at me for forgetting to tell her what someone said (because I've had an extreme amount of work to do).

 

It's like if I'm sending her all those texts and cute things all the time, she's fine but I feel like **** because of my perception, and when I slow down how much I text her, she gets mad or upset and I feel like I can't win.

 

I haven't been acting like a jerk, I've just been reserved. I've enthusiastically answered her messages, but I simply haven't been following up with several additional texts. I just don't get it.

[TMichaels]

I just don't get it.

 

 

Are you familiar with Pavlov's dog?

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited April 1, 2015 by TMichaels

[ImASensitiveGuy]

Are you familiar with Pavlov's dog?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

So what you're saying is that I've conditioned her to expect certain things, like these messages?

[ExpatInItaly]

In the past three days, I've reduced how much I text her and all I got was several instances of "are you okay?" and now one instance of her being mad at me for forgetting to tell her what someone said (because I've had an extreme amount of work to do).

 

It's like if I'm sending her all those texts and cute things all the time, she's fine but I feel like **** because of my perception, and when I slow down how much I text her, she gets mad or upset and I feel like I can't win.

 

I haven't been acting like a jerk, I've just been reserved. I've enthusiastically answered her messages, but I simply haven't been following up with several additional texts. I just don't get it.

 

You guys have a lot of communication issues to work on. How did you respond when she asked if you're ok?

 

In any case, don't even think about giving her that ring any time soon. These problems needs to be worked out first before you decide if you are suited for the rest of your lives.

[okc85]

You are only 20. She is only 20.

 

People aren't saying the truth here

 

1. You didnt do anything wrong. If you did, eh, whatever. It wouldn't matter, even if you were the ultra perfect boyfriend, she'd still be who she is.

 

2. most 20 yr olds are not ready to fully commit. shes in college! you're the only boyfriend she's had. if she has any thoughts about 'what else is out there..' I find it perfectly normal, but i do think she should be honest with you.

 

I mean, you've been dating 5 years, so it's normal for people, especially at such young ages, to wonder what else is out there before they settle.

 

3. LDRs are so, so hard. and 2 hours LDR is very far if you don't drive, or you're in college and have no time to meet each other.

 

So all these things just seem like a recipe for disaster.

 

 

I'm a stranger on the internet, like the other posters. We don't know you, or your GF. But people make valid points. However, life is unpredictable.

 

How would you feel about taking a break from her? Yes, a break. I know people say they dont work, but you're both so young, you could definitely just fool around for a year, then come back together. In fact, it might be healthiest. It might also be the complete end, and you would have to be ok with that.

 

I dunno, think about stuff. Just remember you are young, and if this relationship does not work out, you will find love again. We just have to try to learn and grow from our experiences. Good luck

[ImASensitiveGuy]

You guys have a lot of communication issues to work on. How did you respond when she asked if you're ok?

 

In any case, don't even think about giving her that ring any time soon. These problems needs to be worked out first before you decide if you are suited for the rest of your lives.

 

I responded to her texts with a format like: "Babe, I'm really okay - I just have a lot of work to do". Which was completely true, I just didn't multitask as much and focused purely on studying.

 

I really appreciate what you wrote - our communication issues need to be sorted out.

 

 

You are only 20. She is only 20.

 

People aren't saying the truth here

 

1. You didnt do anything wrong. If you did, eh, whatever. It wouldn't matter, even if you were the ultra perfect boyfriend, she'd still be who she is.

 

2. most 20 yr olds are not ready to fully commit. shes in college! you're the only boyfriend she's had. if she has any thoughts about 'what else is out there..' I find it perfectly normal, but i do think she should be honest with you.

 

I mean, you've been dating 5 years, so it's normal for people, especially at such young ages, to wonder what else is out there before they settle.

 

3. LDRs are so, so hard. and 2 hours LDR is very far if you don't drive, or you're in college and have no time to meet each other.

 

So all these things just seem like a recipe for disaster.

 

 

I'm a stranger on the internet, like the other posters. We don't know you, or your GF. But people make valid points. However, life is unpredictable.

 

How would you feel about taking a break from her? Yes, a break. I know people say they dont work, but you're both so young, you could definitely just fool around for a year, then come back together. In fact, it might be healthiest. It might also be the complete end, and you would have to be ok with that.

 

I dunno, think about stuff. Just remember you are young, and if this relationship does not work out, you will find love again. We just have to try to learn and grow from our experiences. Good luck

 

Oh hello stranger on the internet! It's true, commitment at such a young age is a serious thing. We've talked about it multiple times in the past, and I've asked her about it. She has told me that if she honestly felt the need to find someone else or to have a fling, she would not be with me. So that's at least something I take confidence in.

 

As far as a break, she broke down and told me she wanted one last spring. It lasted less than a week and involved her being extremely upset and regretting that she ever asked for one.

 

But a break for me? Being in an LDR, I already have as much freedom as I possibly could ask for, and have made some really great female friends who, in the end, make me really appreciate what I have. Sure, there are some women out there who can match or exceed my sex drive, or those who are on par with my level and/or style of communication. But what is lacking in them is what shines in my girlfriend.

 

Right now, I feel like communication is our biggest issue, as it's the most frequently commented issue in this thread. It's something to work on for sure.

[justwhoiam]

I surely hope that I do not turn into a jerk! I was only considering my decreased availability being a good morning text, goodnight text, and then slowly respond to her texts back. Not a decrease in my kindness, only a decrease in my response.

Set up any game and to me you become a jerk. Being the person I am, if he wanted to decrease communication, I'd want him to let me know first, so I know what to expect and prepare myself psychologically. Any other one-sided arrangement would be perceived very negatively.

 

And so given she is in love, then me forgetting to text her or not texting her cute messages on a regular basis or decreasing any of that maintenance (or over-doing) won't lead her to grow distant then?

I don't know her. I can only speak for myself. I would start ignoring you, because bad behavior leads to more bad behavior. It's like you ask for it with your behavior. But don't see that like a revenge, that would be wrong, it's more like a natural consequence. It's like you let the ice cream drop on the floor and then ask me to eat it. Don't be surprised if I don't want it anymore.

 

To clarify on the whole marriage situation... we wouldn't be getting married for at least another 3-4 years...

If that's the deal, there's no need to rush and propose NOW. You need to propose when you are actually ready to marry her. Let's say 1 or 1.5 years before the wedding. If it's so far-away in time, it becomes a curse. Also, it sounds quite controlling. You are using the proposal so that she has no way out while being in a LDR. As okc85 said, it should be the other way round, if anything. If your love is strong enough as you claim (see kendahke's post), then you don't need to seal the relationship with a marriage proposal. Also, this is a decision that will shape your future life and shouldn't be taken so lightly, especially when there are issues that are not inconsequential.

 

I'm hoping that it will not grate on me further, as I am taking measures to prevent that.

Exactly how? By lowering your expectations?

 

But if it does, it won't be out of spite or hate towards her - just frustration at the fact that I'll most likely never get the opportunity to experience that, while she does on nearly every occasion (I actually enjoy giving it).

Now? Ha. You think you're experiencing frustration now? Funny. Think what kind of insatisfaction you could possibly have in 20 years. Also, you say you enjoy giving her oral. If you didn't, you wouldn't do it at all or not any time you get a chance anyway. That's what she's doing. There's little chance she will change in the future. Not impossible, but unlikely. I think you should talk to her about it and find out if she doesn't like your smell/taste, if she finds the act demeaning, if she's simply uninterested or whatever.

 

A pic of my guy in a stripper outfit would do very little for me, and my response would probably be, "Huh?? Why??? :laugh:".

That made me think how I would take it. I'm not sure what you mean by stripper outfit. Depending on it, I could be turned off or turned on. For instance, this is not for him, this isn't either, I wouldn't mind this one. What do you think? I guess I don't like the classical showy stripper outfit, not to mention strippers shave their chest, and that alone is a big turn-off for me.

 

She has a lot on her plate as a nursing major

Sorry, but I can't buy that. Guess when she will be working, with a very demanding job, crazy working hours, kids, a house and a family to take care of... what she's going through now is nothing. If she has a hard time now, guess what lies ahead for you in the future. I know she's young, but the way she deals with anything can tell you a lot.

 

On the Skype idea... it's impossible. We both have iPhones and Snapchat and still rarely have the opportunity of communicating via Facetime

Why exactly? You don't have 5 minutes at night to Facetime before bed once in a while? Please. This sounds like big-time BS.

 

if I don't text her there is really no conversation on a day-to-day basis.

[...]

In the past three days, I've reduced how much I text her and all I got was several instances of "are you okay?" and now one instance of her being mad at me for forgetting to tell her what someone said (because I've had an extreme amount of work to do).

So, the two statements contradict one another. I think your sense of reality might be distorted, at this point.

 

You may not realise this but you have become the feminine energy in the relationship.

I thought of that too.

 

Your way of thinking shows signs of programming and I think that you have lost contact with your masculinity replacing it with some kind of fantasy of how a guy should be with a girl.

I think there might be some truth in all that.

 

I would disregard the magazines she has been showing you and all of the hints

Definitely. I mean, you don't propose "to make her happy". A man should propose because he really wants it and knows what he's doing. Though many men don't, or they wouldn't propose ever

 

She isn't obsessing over "the big day", just hinting at it.

So what?! She might be talking about babies and how cute they are, but that doesn't mean you need to get her pregnant.

 

I don't see how me being a sensitive, caring and romantic individual has any dampering effect on my masculinity.

You have a right to be yourself. Just be aware you might be more like the female in the couple. Ask yourself if you can live with that or it bothers you.

 

I just make it my goal in our relationship to make her happy

That's good, but it also needs to be balanced by you focusing on yourself too. You want her to be proud of you. If she stops being proud of you, love sinks. And you don't get her to be proud of you just by trying to make her happy. So if the balance is there, everything's fine. If it's not, that will show.

 

you continue to do so and give without balance or reciprocation and express a lot more than she does

Precisely.

 

let's hear what you have to say when you're 48 and you're still dealing with this treatment from her--but you have 4 children, a job you don't like and are mortgaged up to your eyeballs.

I couldn't have said it better.

 

Anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

Beautifully said.

 

you need to be happy within yourself and she needs to be happy with herself and only then can you have 24/7 happiness because no one's happiness is predicated upon the other

I tend to disagree with all that.

1) 24/7 happiness doesn't exist; in my view, happiness is not an ongoing state, it's mixed with all the other feelings a human being can experience

2) I'm not a supporter of the theory "no one can make you happy, that's just up to you", there are things/actions/gestures from others that can make me extremely happy; the self-centered theories are going great at the moment, but history proved many if not most theories to be cyclical (or just limited to a specific era), so I wonder when they will be overturned

 

It's almost like that you're worried she'll forget about you if you aren't constantly sending her pics of yourself, sending lovey-dovey texts, contacting her all the time, etc.. Also, love isn't a barter system. Just because you do something for her, or say something nice to her, doesn't mean that she is required to match you on it.

True. But if there's anything my man needs, am I not willing to give it to him? There might be a few things I'm not so keen on, but for the rest, I'm in. So it's all a matter of seeing how many NOs he gets. Or even, if he gets anything coming directly from her without asking. That's how you see the love. It's not about asking and complying.

 

It's like if I'm sending her all those texts and cute things all the time, she's fine but I feel like **** because of my perception, and when I slow down how much I text her, she gets mad or upset and I feel like I can't win.

Start being yourself and be clear about what you need and want. Not specifically, but in general terms. If you need her to have initiatives of her own, and she never has ANY, then you have a right to bring that up and tell her. No matter how busy anyone is. Of course there can be exceptions, but not excuses all the time. Otherwise it's a totally different approach to life. If she repeatedly loses sight of what really counts in life, and you know that early on in the relationship, is that what you want to pursue?

 

what is lacking in them is what shines in my girlfriend.

What shines in your girlfriend?

[ImASensitiveGuy]

Set up any game and to me you become a jerk. Being the person I am, if he wanted to decrease communication, I'd want him to let me know first, so I know what to expect and prepare myself psychologically. Any other one-sided arrangement would be perceived very negatively.

 

To clarify, I'm not trying to play a game, I'm just not letting myself multitask anymore. If I'm doing work, that's what I'm doing - I'm not texting her. I'm letting me be me, and not trying to keep her happy 24/7.

 

If that's the deal, there's no need to rush and propose NOW. You need to propose when you are actually ready to marry her. Let's say 1 or 1.5 years before the wedding. If it's so far-away in time, it becomes a curse. Also, it sounds quite controlling. You are using the proposal so that she has no way out while being in a LDR. As okc85 said, it should be the other way round, if anything. If your love is strong enough as you claim (see kendahke's post), then you don't need to seal the relationship with a marriage proposal. Also, this is a decision that will shape your future life and shouldn't be taken so lightly, especially when there are issues that are not inconsequential.

 

I'm not trying to seal the relationship or control it in any way! I thought about it, I worked 3 jobs to save up the money, and I've held onto the ring for about 8 months now. I haven't popped the question, and I don't plan to until the summer. My reason being that I don't feel the overbearing need to do it, or the fear or insecurity that I need to propose to keep her - who cares that we'll be waiting 3 years? It's a sign of how much I care, and her yes is a sign of how much she cares.

 

That being said, if the love is strong enough now, why wait to publicly showcase that love? The argument goes both ways.

 

I agree that it's an important decision, and it has not been taken lightly, which is why I am here, and which is why I started overthinking everything about a week ago. I'm still a bit concerned, but everyone's input here has helped.

 

Exactly how? By lowering your expectations?

 

No, by realizing that she shouldn't be my source of happiness because as much as I do for her, she will let me down in that area, ultimately. Sure, she makes me happy and really does her best at times, but she's so involved in her own world that I'm basically chasing my own tail.

 

Now? Ha. You think you're experiencing frustration now? Funny. Think what kind of insatisfaction you could possibly have in 20 years. Also, you say you enjoy giving her oral. If you didn't, you wouldn't do it at all or not any time you get a chance anyway. That's what she's doing. There's little chance she will change in the future. Not impossible, but unlikely. I think you should talk to her about it and find out if she doesn't like your smell/taste, if she finds the act demeaning, if she's simply uninterested or whatever.

 

I'm very hygienic and eat a healthy & well balanced diet, especially fruits and vitamin supplements. By my own research, that should only add to the taste/smell.

 

I've talked to her about it, and she's said that she both finds the act demeaning and that she'd only do it once in her life (but I don't believe this), so I think that plainly she doesn't like it, finds it degrading, and weird.

 

At this point, I'm really not sure if my original frustration was the fact that she didn't give head or that she just didn't reciprocate. Because I think I expected too much from her, that she would reciprocate in the same way I would. And I've realized that this is not the case.

 

That made me think how I would take it. I'm not sure what you mean by stripper outfit. Depending on it, I could be turned off or turned on. For instance, this is not for him, this isn't either, I wouldn't mind this one. What do you think? I guess I don't like the classical showy stripper outfit, not to mention strippers shave their chest, and that alone is a big turn-off for me.

 

The third one. It was literally me, shirtless, with a skinny tie. I'm definitely not into the first two pictures you linked lol...

 

 

Sorry, but I can't buy that. Guess when she will be working, with a very demanding job, crazy working hours, kids, a house and a family to take care of... what she's going through now is nothing. If she has a hard time now, guess what lies ahead for you in the future. I know she's young, but the way she deals with anything can tell you a lot.

 

I'm trying my best to defend her here, I really am. I've mentioned it before that the way she handles stress now, how will she handle it in the future? And so on. But she's always said "that's different" and etc.

 

I have to talk with her about this again, but on a more serious level.

 

Why exactly? You don't have 5 minutes at night to Facetime before bed once in a while? Please. This sounds like big-time BS.

 

We don't even call. Something always comes up, whether by chance or not, such as falling asleep, forgetting (she has a horrible memory), or like this week she was sick and was too dead for a call.

 

And she keeps telling me that next semester, I won't hear from her because she'll be so busy... but I don't hear from her already. So I don't know how that will be, but I do have the time for all this; she doesn't.

 

So, the two statements contradict one another. I think your sense of reality might be distorted, at this point.

 

Yeah I did lol...I wrote that in haste, so I'll explain. If I don't text her during the day, she typically won't text, but if she does text me and I don't respond, she thinks that something is wrong. Does that make sense?

 

Definitely. I mean, you don't propose "to make her happy". A man should propose because he really wants it and knows what he's doing. Though many men don't, or they wouldn't propose ever

 

She didn't start hinting at proposing until after I bought the ring (after working 3 jobs in the summer to pay for it). I initially wanted to propose to her at the end of the summer, but I decided to wait it out, since like you said, if the love is strong then it doesn't matter when I propose.

 

But I've felt that this summer is the right time.

 

Start being yourself and be clear about what you need and want. Not specifically, but in general terms. If you need her to have initiatives of her own, and she never has ANY, then you have a right to bring that up and tell her. No matter how busy anyone is. Of course there can be exceptions, but not excuses all the time. Otherwise it's a totally different approach to life. If she repeatedly loses sight of what really counts in life, and you know that early on in the relationship, is that what you want to pursue?

 

You're absolutely right. Our 5 year is this Wednesday, and we're celebrating next weekend. Should I talk to her about it then? Or should I wait?

 

I feel like there is never really a good time to talk to her about anything serious, unless she's ready & brings it up.

 

 

What shines in your girlfriend?

She has a wonderful personality, a great sense of humor, she's caring, she has a great smile, she's hardworking, she's awkward, she's cute, she's fun to be with, she makes me a better person, she looks fantastic, she's fit, she has beautiful eyes, her smile is one to envy, her hair is gorgeous (strawberry blonde), she gets insecure about the tiniest things and it's cute when she does, she's creative, she is a good leader, she cares about family, she can hold deep conversations, and I love her.

 

Like I've said before, sure there are other girls who can max out certain categories she is okay in, but all those other girls cannot compare to her across the board.

 

If I wanted a sex-crazed girlfriend, that's what I'd get.

If I wanted a very reciprocal girlfriend, that's what I'd get.

 

But if I wanted a little bit of everything, and then some, I'd get her.

[BlueIris]

In the past three days, I've reduced how much I text her and all I got was several instances of "are you okay?" and now one instance of her being mad at me for forgetting to tell her what someone said (because I've had an extreme amount of work to do).

 

It's like if I'm sending her all those texts and cute things all the time, she's fine but I feel like **** because of my perception, and when I slow down how much I text her, she gets mad or upset and I feel like I can't win.

 

I haven't been acting like a jerk, I've just been reserved. I've enthusiastically answered her messages, but I simply haven't been following up with several additional texts. I just don't get it.

 

Talk to her, tell her the truth. Then you will BOTH get it. You’re playing games right now and cutting her off emotionally because you aren’t being honest and candid.

 

You’ve changed your behavioral patterns, and you’ve done so because of hurt feelings. But you haven’t explained that to her, or discussed the dynamic and how you feel about it. If she changed her behavior you’d notice it too and would ask, “are you okay?”

[ImASensitiveGuy]

Talk to her, tell her the truth. Then you will BOTH get it. You’re playing games right now and cutting her off emotionally because you aren’t being honest and candid.

 

You’ve changed your behavioral patterns, and you’ve done so because of hurt feelings. But you haven’t explained that to her, or discussed the dynamic and how you feel about it. If she changed her behavior you’d notice it too and would ask, “are you okay?”

 

Took a long drive to think about this. I want to tell her and actually converse about it, but there never seems to be a good time. She works as a waitress today and tomorrow so she'll definitely be tired. Should I go for it anyway?

[BlueIris]

Took a long drive to think about this. I want to tell her and actually converse about it, but there never seems to be a good time. She works as a waitress today and tomorrow so she'll definitely be tired. Should I go for it anyway?

 

Oh yes. If you love her and want a relationship with her, trust her to hear how you feel. It's an essential part of intimacy. Patience, kindness, candor, trust, generosity of spirit are all wonderful things to foster in a relationship. CREATE the relationship you want to have.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

Oh yes. If you love her and want a relationship with her, trust her to hear how you feel. It's an essential part of intimacy. Patience, kindness, candor, trust, generosity of spirit are all wonderful things to foster in a relationship. CREATE the relationship you want to have.

 

I'm just nervous - I have no idea where to start or how to bring it up!

[Acacia98]

In the past three days, I've reduced how much I text her and all I got was several instances of "are you okay?" and now one instance of her being mad at me for forgetting to tell her what someone said (because I've had an extreme amount of work to do).

 

It's like if I'm sending her all those texts and cute things all the time, she's fine but I feel like **** because of my perception, and when I slow down how much I text her, she gets mad or upset and I feel like I can't win.

 

I haven't been acting like a jerk, I've just been reserved. I've enthusiastically answered her messages, but I simply haven't been following up with several additional texts. I just don't get it.

 

When I started reading this discussion, I had a feeling that she was more on the self-centered side and you were more on the accommodating side. But I wasn't sure. The post quoted above confirmed things for me. She is comfortable/happy having you bend over backwards to accommodate her needs. And it's not her natural inclination to reciprocate in kind. Your natural inclination is to do for others. But you expect others to do for you in return. Long story short, you're incompatible.

 

I think you do too much. That whole rigmarole of putting things on the calendar and reminding her of stuff is excessive. She can do that for herself. It's called taking responsibility for one's own priorities. If she has a tendency to forget, she can certainly set reminders and put little post-it notes to herself in places where she's sure to see them...

 

Your efforts to text as much as you do and to send little pics: also too much. Considering it wasn't even your idea to do that stuff in the first place, it's ideal to tone it down. Don't go out of your way to do stuff that doesn't come naturally to you to make another person happy. Figure out what your "normal" is. It should be behavior that you are willing and able to sustain in the long term under normal circumstances. And then be that person. In the course of being that person, you will be able to see whether you and the woman you're dating are a good fit for each other. Somebody who's a good fit for you is somebody whose "normal" fits very nicely with your "normal."

 

I get the distinct impression that reciprocity is very important to you. And that's perfectly reasonable. You should devote time to figuring out whether you are likely to get the degree of reciprocity you need from this relationship.

 

Oh... and, by the way, try not to think about character traits in terms of perfection or imperfection. A given trait can be positive in some situations and negative in others. Being self-centered is not necessarily bad. It basically means she's the center of her own world, and she arranges her life accordingly. Whoever wants to be part of her life will have to adapt to that. Being accommodating means you're more likely to make another person the center of your world and to rearrange your life around her needs. Your readiness to accommodate has both advantages and disadvantages, and her tendency to be self-centered has advantages and disadvantages.

Edited April 4, 2015 by Acacia98

[ImASensitiveGuy]

When I started reading this discussion, I had a feeling that she was more on the self-centered side and you were more on the accommodating side. But I wasn't sure. The post quoted above confirmed things for me. She is comfortable/happy having you bend over backwards to accommodate her needs. And it's not her natural inclination to reciprocate in kind. Your natural inclination is to do for others. But you expect others to do for you in return. Long story short, you're incompatible.

 

I buckled down and found a site with the 10 signs that one's SO is selfish. My girlfriend fit every single sign to some degree. The test was found here: http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/10-signs-your-boyfriend-or-girlfriend-is-selfish-and-self-centered/

 

How do I even begin to approach this? Do I just incorporate those signs into conversation and instead of saying "you're selfish because of X" I'd say something like "you are like X, Y, Z, and so I feel like you take me for granted" and just avoid mentioning the signs entirely?

[OnlyHonesty]

Talk to her, tell her the truth. Then you will BOTH get it. You’re playing games right now and cutting her off emotionally because you aren’t being honest and candid.

 

You’ve changed your behavioral patterns, and you’ve done so because of hurt feelings. But you haven’t explained that to her, or discussed the dynamic and how you feel about it. If she changed her behavior you’d notice it too and would ask, “are you okay?”

 

 

He is not telling her the truth because firstly he wants a reaction from her due to his changed behaviour i.e more attention and more appreciation and the lack of her reaction further confirms that she does not care that much about how he acts.

 

As far as I am concerned, all of the signs suggest that his gf has lost attraction to him, she does not get that butterfly feeling anymore but he still has attraction and cares just as much as he always has. I think if he was brutally honest with himself, he would have walked by now.

 

Some people say that couples end things too easily or quickly in this age of instant gratification but I say it is the opposite, especially with guys. As soon as you compromise with any sort of bad behaviour or negative actions, whether it be lack of appreciation or anything else then its game over.

 

The OP is afraid to walk, afraid to communicate because he will have to face the truth and as a result may end up compromising with her lack of appreciation or playing games as a result of avoiding this truth.

 

Being able to walk away from someone is just as important as being able to walk towards someone.

[TMichaels]

How do I even begin to approach this? Do I just incorporate those signs into conversation and instead of saying "you're selfish because of X" I'd say something like "you are like X, Y, Z, and so I feel like you take me for granted" and just avoid mentioning the signs entirely?

 

If you start a conversation with anyone saying "You're selfish and this is why... " you might as well not bother. The other person is going to be defensive from the get-go. They will hear nothing else, therefore forget about getting buy-in, agreement or clearing the air.

 

Take a look at this article and see if that helps.

 

However, you seem to be hell-bent on placing all the blame at her feet. Kinda unfair since it sounds like you have never told her you're not happy, uncomfortable, irritated, whatever. Not to mention, if that's how you approach this, it won't end well.

 

It takes two to tango and two to work a problem out -- that also means accepting your share of the blame and communicating you also are part of the problem and willing to work on things/also change as opposed to saying nothing as to not rock the boat and letting things build up inside or making it sound like it's all the other person's fault.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ImASensitiveGuy]

If you start a conversation with anyone saying "You're selfish and this is why... " you might as well not bother. The other person is going to be defensive from the get-go. They will hear nothing else, therefore forget about getting buy-in, agreement or clearing the air.

 

Take a look at this article and see if that helps.

 

However, you seem to be hell-bent on placing all the blame at her feet. Kinda unfair since it sounds like you have never told her you're not happy, uncomfortable, irritated, whatever. Not to mention, if that's how you approach this, it won't end well.

 

It takes two to tango and two to work a problem out -- that also means accepting your share of the blame and communicating you also are part of the problem and willing to work on things/also change as opposed to saying nothing as to not rock the boat and letting things build up inside or making it sound like it's all the other person's fault.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I actually took this approach before I read your response, TMichaels! I explained to her how I felt that we weren't communicating well enough, and that because of all that I felt like my efforts in communicating were not appreciated or possibly taken for granted because I wasn't getting the right response.

 

So we talked about it over a late date and she was incredibly welcoming to the conversation because I approached it as equally our faults. I do admit, however, that I had distorted the situation in my mind a bit much.

 

Ultimately, we ended the night on a good note and, while I thought I didn't get my point across well enough (because I took a very reserved approach), she ended up bringing me coffee when she saw me today (she has never done that!) and I appreciated it very much (and made a point of letting her know!).

 

I honestly think that the extremities of the situation developed in my mind, partially because of the stress we've both had over the past 2 weeks and partially because I was feeling down already when this all began to unravel in my mind.

 

Needless to say, we're on the path to communicating better, both in person and away from one another. Like BlueIris said, a relationship isn't just by chance, it is CREATED. Additionally, I read an article that relationships shouldn't be 50/50 where I do something and expect a return, but rather they should be 100/100, where I give as much as I can because I love her, and without any need for instant reciprocation.

 

Like you said, TMichaels, having looked at the situation from a broader perspective, we were both at fault. I want to thank everyone for dealing with my flurry of emotions over the past week - I do blame myself for those. While many things I said could very we'll be potential issues in the future, my perspective was still undeniably distorted to some extent, and so I'm going forward strong and grateful for what I have and what I can make of it.

 

Thank you.