Maintaining dignity in an affair.

[autumnnight]

If a person comes clean, lives differently, etc. then of course they regain their integrity. I already answered that.

 

But if you are starting all these threads to figure out how you can have a dignified affair and then become a good person again later....you've already lost your integrity.

 

At least in the mainstream world of morals.

[minimariah]

But if you are starting all these threads to figure out how you can have a dignified affair and then become a good person again later....you've already lost your integrity..

 

i'm not.

 

i'm single & i'll stay single for many years in the future. i don't think love is meant to be for me, an A or not. i've never had an A nor was i a part of one & i won't ever be - it's not something i'd know how to handle. that's what goes on in my personal life.

 

my threads are usually opened with one purpose - to understand infidelity & healing better so i can help & understand better those who are currently going through the A or divorce or healing, whatever.

 

in LS, i've noticed, the "good" stories are rare. people who have short A and quickly decide what they want usually don't write on forums like these. LS is full of serial cheaters or cakeeaters for most of the time.

 

but in RL, spouses leaving the M for the APs happens... and it's not at all as rare as people would like to think. there are a lot of good people who cheat and learn from it. i know a good friend of mine who has morals... but he "failed" once in his relationship. seeing how moral and principled he is in business and everyday life, i can't possibly claim he has no morals at all in life based on his infidelity. life is much more than relationship, marriage. morals are not present only in your love life and judged by what you do in your love life.

 

so in my opinion - good person CAN have an affair. just because someone is having an A or had one, it doesn't mean that they're Satan himself. to me, someone having an A doesn't necessarily mean that they're automatically a bad person.

 

if you're a good person - you're a good person.

you won't turn into a bad person for the period of an A and then magically switch back to be a good person in the moment of the confession. each situation is different and people often forget that divorce is not something everyone can afford for this or that reason. and again, i'm not justifying an A - i'm trying to understand how and why it happens.

[autumnnight]

I think is is semantics. Our "goodness" is generally defined by our choices and actions. So I am hard pressed to think of what is good about a person while theyur are actively leading a deceitful lifestyle. However, I 100% agree with you that someone who has had an A wasn't always secretly evil, nor are they doomed to always be evil. That makes a certain segment of people feel better, but it's bunk. I alwso (the horror) believe there are ways you can hurt your spouse that can be just as damaging as adultery.

[MissBee]

I think there are different kinds of affairs, for different reasons, lasting different lengths and I think one can do things that make it more horrible or less so. Not all are conducted equally. Just like a break up for example, one can break up with someone and do some horrendous, spiteful, conniving things or try to do it as humanely as possible. Same thing.

 

The exit affair seems to have the potential to be the least messy if it's a case where both parties were checked out or the MP was already getting ready to live, whether or not an OW/OM was in the picture, and they happen to meet them on their way out or it gives them the impetus and they don't carry on for years and lie through their teeth and pretend to a great extent, but relatively quickly end their marriage and allow their spouse to do what they need to.

 

 

Other affairs where for example some MP make up all kinds of lies about their spouse, lie about the OW/OM or lie to the OW/OM, bring the AP to their homes, gaslight, have unprotected sex with both parties, and just go on like this for years are obviously way more damaging than the former.

[truncated]

I don't think there is any dignity in an affair. It is, by it's very nature, dishonest. If someone has zero problem with dishonesty, then that says a lot about them.

 

After the affair has ended, a person can certainly get their dignity and honesty back, but to my way of thinking, that depends on certain things. For example, if a person decided they will never be in an affair again because it hurt them, was too difficult logistically, was annoyed that the mm or mw spent too much time with their bs, was always stressed out over being caught., then they have learned little about honesty and dignity.

 

All they have learned is self preservation.

 

If a person never has an affair again because they realized that the lying hurts someone else, is not who they are as a person, that the dishonesty upset them on a deep level, and they ever want to do that again, then they can be said to be honest and have dignity once the affair is over.

 

 

To illustrate the point, use the example of someone who cheats on tehir taxes. If they stop because they are afraid of getting caught, then what's to stop them if they think they have found a way to get away with it? They are not honest, just scared.

 

If a person decides they never want to cheat again because they think it's the wrong thing to do, then they can be said to be honest...at least in as far as taxes go.

 

Aside of that, most affairs are never just one lie. They are a series of lies told over time, even if they are only lies by omission. It's not like little Johny gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar once and lies, it's as if he's being caught over and over, making up more lies each time.