Ignoring my deal breakers. Good Idea?

[Redhead14]

I'm 27, she's 25. She smokes, lives 70 miles away, doesn't have her own car/place. Doesn't have a steady job but in school and have a passion. Doesn't match my fitness lifestyle or share my hobbies. BUT the sex is AMAZING and I just don't meet women as attractive as her. Plus, she is trustworthy, sweet and fun .

She gave me an ultimatum to stop calling it casual and become official but I have my doubts (above).

 

Is it ever a good idea to ignore your dealbreakers? Would it be fair to ask her to change first AND THEN become official?

 

We've been together for a year and the thought of never seeing her again is painful.

 

"She gave me an ultimatum" Ultimatums are dealbreakers! It's controlling and manipulative. View to the future . . .

 

And, if you want someone to change before you decide to stay with them . . . that decision will never be made.

 

Furthermore, if you ask her to change in order to become official, you're giving her an ultimatum.

"She smokes, lives 70 miles away, doesn't have her own car/place. Doesn't have a steady job but in school and have a passion. Doesn't match my fitness lifestyle or share my hobbies"

 

So what is it exactly that makes you want to be official with her besides the sex? This is all about sex -- if you want a long-term committed relationship based on sex -- go for it.

[Auspecial]

A non-smoker who can support oneself is hardly a "dream" requirement for most people. Smoking is a very common deal breaker as well as not having the means to support oneself.

 

 

I guess all those doctors who tell smoking mothers to quit are asking for trouble.

 

 

 

Actually, you are correct. This is exactly what I was thinking.

It never bothered me because I only spend one day a week with her (due to commuting issues). My concern is that once I make it official she will eventually want to move in together. And once that happens, smoking will definitely be an issue, as will lack of common interests. That's just a cautionary assumption.

 

 

Thanks for the wit. But it's sad to see most people assuming sex is what I'm after with her. I spend 15 years celibate and it won't make much of a difference if it stops. In fact, she wants it more than I do.

 

 

Not at all, actually. Most of my life was spent on becoming an attractive male. Going to college, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, getting into a career that I enjoy, giving back to the community, nurturing friendships and acquiring assets (all while being modest and humble about it). Of course, if she'll ask me to change my penis size or my height, then yeah, I wouldn't like it. But I'm not asking her to change any physical attributes.

 

Based on the above responses, I think that you already know the answer for yourself and you are just starting to grieve the facts that its not going to work. It happens. Not everything is destined to work forever.

 

It seems you have been together long enough to know the smoking and lack of activities together aren't going to change and they are deal breakers for you. In my prior post, I looked at the smoking from a different context; if I loved a man who smoked outside, I wouldn't have to worry about second- hand smoke or a baby being born addicted to nicotine, but your viewpoint as a man interested in a smoking woman, and wanting children some day, is very different. In that context, she would absolutely have to stop smoking first, and that's something she would want to do herself, in order for it to be sincere.

[d0nnivain]

I'm 27, she's 25. She smokes, lives 70 miles away, doesn't have her own car/place. Doesn't have a steady job but in school and have a passion. Doesn't match my fitness lifestyle or share my hobbies. BUT the sex is AMAZING and I just don't meet women as attractive as her. Plus, she is trustworthy, sweet and fun .

She gave me an ultimatum to stop calling it casual and become official but I have my doubts (above).

 

Is it ever a good idea to ignore your dealbreakers? Would it be fair to ask her to change first AND THEN become official?

 

We've been together for a year and the thought of never seeing her again is painful.

 

Maybe because except for the smoking your so called "deal breakers" are relatively superficial. At 25 in school with a passion indicates to me that she is hard working. It's tough to have a job when you are a FT student. Without a job, you can't live independently so if being employed & having an apartment are your dealbreakers, here, for her, I think overlooking them may be OK because she's on the path to graduation & independence. If she was sitting on her butt doing nothing that would be a different story.

 

Also realize that I'm not fundamentally changing your dealbreakers, just re-categorizing them. To say you want somebody with ambition is a good one to keep but right now at her life stage it's manifest in a different way. I'd hate to see you pass simply because she hasn't achieved a goal you see her working on.

 

While 70 miles is GDU, it's not insurmountable, just inconvenient & IMO no reason to toss out an otherwise good thing.

 

Is she willing to try your hobbies? That may be more important. I hate fishing but dated a fisherman so I went. I would sit in the sun & read while he fished. It was a compromise.

 

What exactly is it that you want her to change? If you are expecting her to quit smoking & exercise more, that may never happen. You should talk to her about those things & express your concerns before doing anything.

[Diezel]

Thanks for the wit. But it's sad to see most people assuming sex is what I'm after with her. I spend 15 years celibate and it won't make much of a difference if it stops. In fact, she wants it more than I do.

 

Out of all the things YOU listed, that was your first one. Automatically. Why do you think so?

 

What's sadder is to see someone list deal-breakers and then realize they might be settling... just because. What do you think is going to happen if you two live together? All those bad things are going to be magnified in your life.

[Destined2B]

Do you think you're over estimating her interest level at all?

 

Most women that like a guy and want to get more serious, wouldn't be OK with a once a week frequency after a year. Maybe she just sees you as a sex buddy. But if you have that many doubts about long term compatibility, why not just meet other women and keep seeing her once a week to scratch the itch?

 

I know she sees other guys. She openly tells me that, plus all of her friends are single men. But I trust she is only sexually exclusive with me, like I am with her. I know it sounds really suspicious but I have no reasons not to trust her.

 

I imagine you will not go from 1 day a week to living together. There has to be some transition there. Don't you spend weekends together? if not plan on doing so. Go away on vacation together. To get to really know her you need to spend real time together.

 

Asked her many times to sleep over. "Parents won't understand why I'm sleeping over at my male friend's place". Her parents are also under assumption that she is still in a relationship with her overseas bf so she probably doesn't want to give an impression of being done with him. It's between her and her family.

 

What exactly is it that you want her to change? If you are expecting her to quit smoking & exercise more, that may never happen. You should talk to her about those things & express your concerns before doing anything.

 

Well, smoking for once. I'd be willing to give her a year, just so I know for sure she quit for good. Then also her living situation. So she can move somewhere closer and we can spend time at each other's places. Not moving in together right away. I don't think those are unfair to ask.

 

What's sadder is to see someone list deal-breakers and then realize they might be settling... just because. What do you think is going to happen if you two live together? All those bad things are going to be magnified in your life.

That's what my question really was about, if it's fair to ask her to change for me. I know, those things will be magnified. That's why I'm still not officially in a relationship with her.

[Gaeta]

Asked her many times to sleep over. "Parents won't understand why I'm sleeping over at my male friend's place". Her parents are also under assumption that she is still in a relationship with her overseas bf so she probably doesn't want to give an impression of being done with him. It's between her and her family.

 

Your relationship has much bigger problems than her smoking.

She wants to be official but won't even tell her parents about your relationship? What kind of non sense is that! Her reasons are weak and childish.

[d0nnivain]

I know she sees other guys. She openly tells me that, plus all of her friends are single men. But I trust she is only sexually exclusive with me, like I am with her. I know it sounds really suspicious but I have no reasons not to trust her.

 

 

 

Asked her many times to sleep over. "Parents won't understand why I'm sleeping over at my male friend's place". Her parents are also under assumption that she is still in a relationship with her overseas bf so she probably doesn't want to give an impression of being done with him. It's between her and her family.

 

 

 

Well, smoking for once. I'd be willing to give her a year, just so I know for sure she quit for good. Then also her living situation. So she can move somewhere closer and we can spend time at each other's places. Not moving in together right away. I don't think those are unfair to ask.

 

 

That's what my question really was about, if it's fair to ask her to change for me. I know, those things will be magnified. That's why I'm still not officially in a relationship with her.

 

It's fair to ask her to quit smoking & to leave if she doesn't.

 

 

what's more important & the bigger problem here is that she's lying to her parents. They think she's in a relationship with somebody else. She's hiding you -- huge red flag. The stuff that you mentioned is not big deal in the short run but this is a problem.

 

 

It's also unreasonable to expect her to move before she finishes her degree and gets a job. How the heck do you think she can afford to live on her own & go to school? Unless you are willing to pay for her tuition or her daily living including rent, food, utilities & clothes, living at some is the most fiscally responsible thing she can do.

[Hopeful30]

I personally dont think its a good idea. Ive ignored mine before but the dealbreaker is still there down the road, its just a matter of time before you have to seriously face it.

 

I would say dont ignore them. Theyre dealbreakers for a reason.

[carhill]

Ignoring my deal breakers. Good Idea?

 

Taking in all of your disclosures, here, nope.

 

You're essentially dating and having sex with someone who has an overseas BF and is seeing other men locally. Besides all the habit/interest/logistical stuff, this is a huge elephant in the room for anything other than exactly what you have now, a commuting sexual encounter.

 

You've spent many years working on yourself to bring a lot of valuable assets to the table. Raise your expectations and don't compromise your boundaries.