Devastated beyond words

[oldshirt]

remember, we are only hearing her side of it so far.

some of this depends on what information was relayed to the husband and how it was presented to him.

 

 

Try to look at how it could possibly appear from his perspective depending on how he found out about it.

 

 

From his perspective they may have been at the party, she was getting liquored up, perhaps joking and flirting with this dude a little. Then she disappears for awhile. He doesn't know where she went or what she was up to.

 

 

Then afterwards he notices she is acting different and seems uncomfortable with him.

 

 

Then some time afterwards some buddy of his reports to him that he saw his wife making out with some other dude.

 

 

When he confronts her about, now she is saying she was assaulted.

 

 

Can you see how he could interpret it differently than what she is presenting here to us?

[oldshirt]

.....I'm not saying that what she is telling us aren't the facts.

 

 

I am saying how he found out about it and what was told to him can have a huge impact on what he believes happened.

[autumnnight]

I get it. But when someone is devastated over being assaulteds and it has all just come out, it feels like it just happened all over again. I would think a compassionate man would at least hug her or say "I'm so sorry this happened to you" before jumping on the "why didn't you tell me and what about MY pain over being left out?: train. Then the traumatized woman comes to the internet and all the sypical "cheating woman under every doily" messages start coming out. Then the whole focus becomes picking apart why the husband wasn't told right off the bat.

 

As an assault survivor myself who told no one for YEARS because of the shame, all I see is a self-serving, self-focused man who is more focused on his bruised ego than his wife's trauma.

[oldshirt]

I get it. But when someone is devastated over being assaulteds and it has all just come out, it feels like it just happened all over again. I would think a compassionate man would at least hug her or say "I'm so sorry this happened to you" before jumping on the "why didn't you tell me and what about MY pain over being left out?: train. Then the traumatized woman comes to the internet and all the sypical "cheating woman under every doily" messages start coming out. Then the whole focus becomes picking apart why the husband wasn't told right off the bat.

 

As an assault survivor myself who told no one for YEARS because of the shame, all I see is a self-serving, self-focused man who is more focused on his bruised ego than his wife's trauma.

 

 

 

The problem is, we all have certain algorhythms in our heads of how an assault should be and what constitutes an 'assault' vs some drunken irresponsibility. Sometimes those expectations and beliefs are completely wrong. sometimes they have merit.

 

 

Much of whether her husband is an ass that has no compassion for what she experienced vs whether he has his reasons for doubting her depends heavily on how he found out and how that information was presented to him.

 

 

 

 

In many instances we try to put ourselves in a similar situation and try to guage how we would react.

 

 

If my wife and I were to go to an adult party with a mixed crowd and alcohol etc my expectations are and my level of support and compassion are going to be based on the following criteria -

 

 

- she would control her alcohol intake to where she was still in charge of her faculties and still reasonably capable of making sound judgements and appropriate behaviors.

 

 

- she would be mindful of how others would be interpreting what she says and how she says and does it.

 

 

- if someone was showing her undo attentions that were not reciprocated she would discontinue interactions with that person.

 

 

- if that person were to make unwanted advances that she would be unambiguous in her intentions and disinterest. (ie would expressly state state 'NO!" and would be clear and consistent in that the advances were unwelcome)

 

 

- if that person continued the advances despite clear and consistent refusal, that she would actively resist and make positive and deliberate attempts to disengage from the situation and flee.

 

 

-If the advances continued despite attempts to resist and escape, (which is the bar for it being considered an "assault") that she draw attention to the situation and call for help.

 

 

- My expectations will also include that she not "kiss back" or go along with the assault unless she is directly being threatened with harm.

 

 

- following the incident my expectations would be that she would report it to me and depending on the severity would report it to party hosts, police, medical professional, assault counselor etc

 

 

- It is also my expectation that she would hold the perpetuator accountable to one degree or another depending on the severity of the assault (ie being anything from a tongue-thrashing to informing his wife if applicable to reporting to police)

 

 

-and I would expect things to occur in the immediate aftermath and not days, weeks, months or in this case, potentially a year later.

 

 

So here is the thing- if an assault took place and all of those criteria were in place, I would be the most compassionate, supportive and understanding person in her inner circle and all of her other friends and family would be at her side for every moment as well.

 

 

If one of those criteria were missing I would still be supportive and compassionate but would wonder why.

 

 

If two of those criteria were missing, I would question her judgment and accountability.

 

 

If three of those criteria were missing, I would question whether it was actually an "assault" vs a drunken barn dance gone bad.

 

 

if several of those criteria were missing, I would start to feel she was just being irresponsible and reckless.

 

 

And if most of those criteria were missing, I would think she was simply up to no good and that she was coming up with a story of it being an "assault" to cover tracks for her own irresponsibility and blaming someone else.

 

 

And if virtually NONE of those criteria existed, I would think she was just plain full of sht and pulling the assault story out of her butt to try to save her own skin.

 

 

So again, a lot of what her husbands perception of this is going to depend heavily how he found out about it and what information he was given about it.

 

 

He may be an inconsiderate jerk wad or he may have perfectly valid reason to feel she was out of line.

 

 

The devil is really in the details on this one.

[oldshirt]

Any man who asks me to prove I didn't cheat when I finally open up about a traumatic assault is going to get some select words. If he asks for a polygraph to prove I was assaulted, then he is going to have an EX by his name as soon as the courts allow it.

 

But then again, when some men are a hammer, everything is a nail.

 

 

 

I really don't see this as a case of him making her prove she wasn't cheating. I think it may be more about due diligence.

 

 

If you are in a car wreck and injured on your way home from work, you would expect your spouse to be supportive and compassionate and concerned for your well being.

 

 

But there is going to be significant difference in attitude depending on the details of the accident and how your spouse finds out about it.

 

 

If you were heading straight home from work and were stone cold sober and driving attentively and were following all of the rules of the road and had your seat belt on and some drunk ran a red light and hit you and you called your spouse at the earliest opportunity and broke it him yourself that you were enroute to the hospital to get checked out, he would probably burn rubber to get to you and be by your side from start to finish.

 

 

However if instead of that scenario, you went from work to the bar where you were hanging out with some dude that was pouring drinks down you and you said that you were going to be late because you were going to pick up some groceries and you were heading to another bar and you didn't have your seat belt on and you were txt with said dude and you were the one that ran the light and caused the wreck and you decided to not say anything about it and was the police that finally tracked down your spouse and broke it to him/her, The chances are that even though your spouse may still be concerned and still want you to be ok, their attitude and demeanor are going to be a whole lot different in the second scenario than the first.

 

 

And what course of action they take about it is going to also depend on past experiences and prior incidents. If it's scenario # 1 and you had a spotless driving record prior to the incident, it would probably be business as usual once you were recovered and the car was fixed.

 

 

If it was scenario # 3 and you had a prior DWI and some prior traffic offenses and prior wrecks and prior incidents of not being where you said you were going to be, that wreck may very well be the straw that broke the camels back even if no one was seriously injured and the car wasn't extensively damaged.

 

 

In the case of the OP in this situation, we simply don't know the background information.

[TunaCat]

.

BTW, what were you doing at this bonfire party without him there to protect you??

 

Are you kidding me? A woman can and SHOULD attend a party on her own. If she wanted her husband there that's one thing, but not for the sole reason that she needs protection.

 

OP, your husband needs to support you. No matter what.

[William]

Got a report of a drive-by and, yup, confirmed, so we'll thank folks for your responses and close this up.