When everyone knows

[ladydesigner]

Well the reason I told everyone was because they say once you expose the A it usually will peter out. In my case my WH took the A underground for another 2 years until the MOW gave me all the gory details. I thought I was trying to save my M. I did post MOW on one of those cheaters sites shortly after I discovered broken NC and completely acted on my out of control emotions. I later took it down as she said it was affecting her getting a job. For a whole year after discovery I was locked in a downward spiral. The constant believing my WH had stopped the A only to find out they were still in contact made me nutty. In hindsight I would have loved for the strength to leave instead I fell apart. You never know what the BS is going through.

[DKT3]

Thank you. My gut tells me to leave it be. My temper tells me to react. I know reacting will just keep the topic fresh, which is the opposite of what needs to happen, however a small part of me wonders if I make myself look worse by not responding. It makes me ill thinking about what I did, nevermind the fact that what is being told isn't entirely true. I don't suppose it matters.

 

Secondly, I wonder if BW even knows the truth. Is she saying these things to cover her husband, or is he actually telling her this and she's believing? Again, I know it doesn't relaly matter.

 

BH and I are trying to recover. It's like a ride through valleys and over mountains. Every day varies.

 

You talk a lot about being torn as to how you should react. What does you BH think about this situation? Have you talked to him about the things she is telling others? I ask because if you aren't on the same page with your BH it could hurt your marriage.

 

We can only guess why she is talking so openly about this, but honestly what good would trying to correct people do? It won't make the infidelity not have happened, and frankly it won't change anyone she has told opinion of you.

[gettingstronger]

Hi, me again. The teacher. Thinking of the situations I mentioned earlier, the ones that didn't "fight back" were the ones where it did die out quicker. If there are no new developments to gossip about people move on quicker. I'm unsure what your goal is, to defend yourself or to have it just go away. I agree with the others, your husbands feelings should play a role in this as well. I know the only thing that really matters to my husband is what I think of him so he would choose the make it go away route.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thank you. My gut tells me to leave it be. My temper tells me to react. I know reacting will just keep the topic fresh, which is the opposite of what needs to happen, however a small part of me wonders if I make myself look worse by not responding. It makes me ill thinking about what I did, nevermind the fact that what is being told isn't entirely true. I don't suppose it matters.

 

Secondly, I wonder if BW even knows the truth. Is she saying these things to cover her husband, or is he actually telling her this and she's believing? Again, I know it doesn't relaly matter.

 

BH and I are trying to recover. It's like a ride through valleys and over mountains. Every day varies.

 

 

Often(actual more than not) as stories get retold, people add to it.

 

Secondly, it is not untrue that you pursued a married man. Just as he pursued a married woman. Nothing "just happened". There were many boundaries that were crossed prior to the PA, boundaries that both of you crossed....not just him.

 

Your situation is lose-lose.

 

Affairs do not colour anyone's character in a positive way. So there's that.

 

To defend/clarify particular points is pointing out fly **** in a pile of horse ****. And comes off as not remorseful about the horse **** (the bigger issue).

 

Part of signing up for the affair was signing up for the fall out. Comes with the territory.

 

Accepting the consequence of gossip about the affair is accepting your role that the gossip exists because of your actions.

 

Like others have pointed out, it is temporary. Focus on where you have the potential to improve your life....yourself/husband/family.

[GoldenHour]

BH hasn't really said much on the subject of coming back at the attacks against me. He is more focused on the OM and keeping me away from him, I suppose. Although there are no worries there, whether that's where he focuses or not. I have no intention to ever speak to the OM again. BH said he felt bad for me, and I'm the one thinking he shouldn't be feeling bad for me, I feel bad for him. I don't want to feel like I am rug sweeping here, but all we both want to is to move on and forget about this. Easier for me, I'm sure.

[road]

Goldenhour you still are using words as but, if, I'm not the only one. Just words and phrases to deflect the heat from you onto others.

 

 

That is not how a person with regret or remorse says things.

 

 

You did the crime and yet you without embarrassment complain why are you facing the consequences. How unfair for you to be treated this way.

 

 

Yet you choose to ignore that if you did not have an affair there you be no BW looking to go after you or any consequences for you to face.

[Wondering33]

My husband & I were both WS at different times. I only talked about things with close friends & I didn't bad mouth the OW because I understood the other side of it.

 

I think she's just reacting out of emotion & trying to hurt you on purpose. What she doesn't understand, is not only are people going to talk about you but she's setting herself up for her own judgements from the same people. WIves aren't going to want their husbands hanging out with hers, people will question why she didn't leave & ext. It's not only you they'll be talking about. There isn't anything you can do but try & make yourself & marriage better. Just remember the only people that matter are the ones you love, others will always talk, gossip & judge...work on yourself, your family, your healing & you'll be ok.

 

Good luck

[GoldenHour]

I knew all the while that there would be great consequences. I don't feel sorry for myself or wonder why this is happening to me. I very well know why. I did this to myself and I'll own my actions.

[road]

Been lurking for a while and have found so much help by reading everyone's else's stories. I'm sure there are countless topics on the subject, but I am trying to figure out reasoning behind something in my current situation. Had a very short A with MM, and I am WW. A surfaced and we initiated NC, which has been in effect for months. It's over, thankfully. It was never something I wanted anyway, but I let the attention get to me.

 

From what I understand, he and his wife are trying to work things out, but she has told the entire community about his A with me. Everyone within our social circle and beyond, know. She has gone out of her way to make it a point with everyone she talks to. I am having a hard time understanding why she would want to do that, knowing that they are trying to work on things. Sure, it makes me look bad, which I'm sure she's trying to accomplish. But it also makes her husband look equally as bad, no? I just don't get it.

 

I knew all the while that there would be great consequences. I don't feel sorry for myself or wonder why this is happening to me. I very well know why. I did this to myself and I'll own my actions.

 

 

 

 

Do you now see the conflict of these two posts?

 

 

I understand the need for you to vent. So vent.

 

 

Do you understand the your OMW's need to vent?

 

 

Whether Pandora's Box, or in

Indiana Jones when the Ark of the Covenant was opened,

or when someone throws manure into a fan,

they can not complain that they are covered in manure.

 

 

You need to go NC with not just the OM, but the OMW as well. NC where you can not only not see the OMW, not hear the OMW, but even not have people tell you about what the OMW is saying about you or your BH.

 

 

Part of healing from the past is to leave what happened in the past. Learning about the OMW's latest campaign to paint you with a Scarlet Letter only serves to keep the affair memories alive in the present instead of fading with time.

 

 

If you can not go total NC with the OM, OMW, and their family then you need to move your family far away.

 

 

What the they do or not do to "heal" is none of your business.

Edited March 31, 2015 by road

[GoldenHour]

I don't see conflict. I am not trying to say that I think it's unfair that she's telling everyone. I agree, she has a right to do whatever she feels necessary in order to heal. I was just curious of the reasoning. Putting the A out there for the world to know about also exposes her WH, not just me.

 

What I was more upset about was the fact that the things being told about the A are far from truth. I own the fact that no matter how the story is told, an A is an A and I am guilty of participating. Also, I am on board with the NC with all parties involved and think that is what's needed to move on. But again, not sure how to respond to all these people coming out of the woodwork asking questions about it, or commenting about it.

[purplesorrow]

I don't see conflict. I am not trying to say that I think it's unfair that she's telling everyone. I agree, she has a right to do whatever she feels necessary in order to heal. I was just curious of the reasoning. Putting the A out there for the world to know about also exposes her WH, not just me.

 

What I was more upset about was the fact that the things being told about the A are far from truth. I own the fact that no matter how the story is told, an A is an A and I am guilty of participating. Also, I am on board with the NC with all parties involved and think that is what's needed to move on. But again, not sure how to respond to all these people coming out of the woodwork asking questions about it, or commenting about it.

 

You don't have to have any response. It is your life, your marriage and your business. You don't owe any of these people answers.

[road]

I don't see conflict. I am not trying to say that I think it's unfair that she's telling everyone. I agree, she has a right to do whatever she feels necessary in order to heal. I was just curious of the reasoning. Putting the A out there for the world to know about also exposes her WH, not just me.

 

What I was more upset about was the fact that the things being told about the A are far from truth. I own the fact that no matter how the story is told, an A is an A and I am guilty of participating. Also, I am on board with the NC with all parties involved and think that is what's needed to move on. But again, not sure how to respond to all these people coming out of the woodwork asking questions about it, or commenting about it.

 

 

 

 

Who are these people?

 

 

What you owe your parents is one thing. Acquaintances nothing. As you work done from the closeness of parents and siblings that response rapidly goes to you ignore those others.

 

 

There is nothing that you can say that will make things better. Nothing that will make the comments and questions that you hear go away.

 

 

This is too much for you then move far away for a fresh start. Your BH may not say anything but I bet he is hearing carp to and tired of seeing daily reminders of the affair and a move would benefit him as well.

[GoldenHour]

They are no one. Just people that we all know. Not even people I would really consider friends. Possibly some of them, I would smile and say hello to if I passed them in the market, before. Might I add, no one has said anything to my face. Only on social media, where it seems much easier to voice ones opinion with the protection of their computer screen. I am just for seeing possible future interactions in person with said people, and wondering how to handle.

 

A move isn't really possible. If we both felt it was necessary we could make it happen, I imagine. Even if we just moved closer to the city. We live in rural America, currently. But that would be a very last resort. It's only been a few months.

 

I appreciate everyone's input.

[anika99]

I don't see conflict. I am not trying to say that I think it's unfair that she's telling everyone. I agree, she has a right to do whatever she feels necessary in order to heal. I was just curious of the reasoning. Putting the A out there for the world to know about also exposes her WH, not just me.

 

What I was more upset about was the fact that the things being told about the A are far from truth. I own the fact that no matter how the story is told, an A is an A and I am guilty of participating. Also, I am on board with the NC with all parties involved and think that is what's needed to move on. But again, not sure how to respond to all these people coming out of the woodwork asking questions about it, or commenting about it.

 

 

You are upset that people don't know the truth but you can't have it both ways. People who have affairs are just fine with lies and deceit so that they can participate in the affair but then become outraged with the lies when it casts them in a bad light. You can't sneak and deceive and carry on with someone else is secret and then get mad when people don't know the truth.

[Owl6118]

GH, some of the hard things in life are not complicated, they are just hard.

 

There are two such simple but hard things here.

 

First, you asked for reasons why the other betrayed has done what she has done and have been given an abundance of them. The problem is you want a reason that makes emotional sense to you. You won't find one, or, maybe more accurately, you find it difficult to respect or empathize with the probable emotional and practical reasons. But it is what it is.

 

Second, what do you do when it is brought up by acquaintances. As others have pointed out, the forest is that the affair happened and the rest is trees. It is irrelevant. Simply put, you carry yourself with dignity, disarm with humble kindness, and project a firm sense of privacy. When the subject is raised say "Thank you for your concern. It is a hard time for us and we are dealing with it privately. Now, about __________ (the kids, our project we are working on, your plans for the weekend.)

[lgspot]

Been lurking for a while and have found so much help by reading everyone's else's stories. I'm sure there are countless topics on the subject, but I am trying to figure out reasoning behind something in my current situation. Had a very short A with MM, and I am WW. A surfaced and we initiated NC, which has been in effect for months. It's over, thankfully. It was never something I wanted anyway, but I let the attention get to me.

 

From what I understand, he and his wife are trying to work things out, but she has told the entire community about his A with me. Everyone within our social circle and beyond, know. She has gone out of her way to make it a point with everyone she talks to. I am having a hard time understanding why she would want to do that, knowing that they are trying to work on things. Sure, it makes me look bad, which I'm sure she's trying to accomplish. But it also makes her husband look equally as bad, no? I just don't get it.

 

You don't have to have any response. It is your life, your marriage and your business. You don't owe any of these people answers.

 

 

 

 

GoldenHour,

 

I didn't tell anyone (NO ONE) that my ex cheated. She did. Outed herself so to speak. Facts are--people talk. Before long everyone in town knew.

 

She is an attractive woman and I understand there was some bragging in "his" circles. Affairs are seldom as secret as the participants believe.

 

I work in a predominately male industry in a facility with a large number of men transitioning through. Between there, my social circle, and considering my age, I've seen way more than a hundred affairs. Rarely are they as discreet as those involved think.

 

Your situation is pretty common.

 

How do you handle it?

 

Take a lesson from a friend. A good lady who made a bad mistake.

 

In one of the worst cases of "Everybody Knows" I've ever seen that wasn't a celebrity in tabloids---her affair was reported on statewide TV stations and newspapers for several days. Just your average married neighbor, yet she was on the 10:00 news. Her face and her bouncing a$$ were blurred on screen, but her identity of course "leaked." Had to be embarrassing as hell and I'm sure there were buckets of tears shed, but in public she held her head high, mostly smiled, and did not comment.

 

She didn't feed the fire and amazingly, it wasn't long before the fire died down.

 

People still know, but by the manner she conducted herself---people that matter have respected her privacy. I've visited with her several times in the years since it happened and she's got the same outgoing personality and sense of humor. She messed up big time, was blindsided big time, yet was able to recover. She still lives in the same town, has most of the same friends, and amazingly she and her husband are still together.

 

Hang in there GoldenHour. Keep your composure, and you can survive even the worst….

 

In the future, you might keep in mind---an affair is often like a fart in church, EVERYBODY KNOWS….

Good luck.

 

PS: you might want to stay off social media with this woman and her husband.

Nobody wins in a pi$$ing contest on facebook.

[sandylee1]

She's probably doing it to shame her husband as well. It's so that he feels the consequences of having an A and will think twice before doing it again.

 

It will dent her husband's reputation and many advise that unless e exposure is harmful to the BS or their kids, that should expose.

 

I know one person who wanted to expose her H in the military , but the OW was a co-worker and her H would have lost his job. That's the only reason. So although you are being named, it may well be more to expose her H.

 

If you have a business, or the A exposure would have a negative impact on you, that could be another reason for outing it to all. Many BSs go through hell on dday, if they can do anything to get back at the person who contributed to their hurt, they will do.

[Harborview]

There could be another reason she can't seem to shut up about it. Many BS' experience PTSD like symptoms after the A is discovered. One of those symptoms is intrusive thoughts - meaning she can't stop thinking about it even if she tried. For some people, especially those with a more extrovert personality, coping with those thoughts includes constantly talking about it - to everyone, even the cashier at the grocery store. Sure, she may be trying to punish and shame you and her husband, but this phenomena of intrusive thoughts may also be something going on for her as well.

 

I can imagine how hard it is to not set the record straight, however her behavior is completely out of your control (just like she couldn't control yours). Try to go NC with her/social media and focus on healing your M and yourself.

[GoldenHour]

I have gone completely NC with them, removed 1500 "friends" off my social accounts, and am avoiding social media as much as possible. My business thrives on social media, unfortunately, so I cannot deactivate all together. Doing so would be very hurtful to my business. So to answer you, Sandy, I do own a rather successful business here in our small town.

 

Thank you lgspot. That is awful yet reassuring to hear that someone has been through this and worse and is okay. Again, I own that I did this to myself and it's not that I don't think its deserved. I'm sure it is.

[whichwayisup]

They are no one.

 

Then no response is necessary.

 

His BW outing the affair probably also is about her - She doesn't want to be known as a poor victim and have people feel sorry for her, blame her for her husband's choice in having an affair. Some do put blame on the BW/BH (what did they do to make their spouse go and cheat) and so she's angry and fighting back.

Edited March 31, 2015 by whichwayisup

[road]

You are upset that people don't know the truth but you can't have it both ways. People who have affairs are just fine with lies and deceit so that they can participate in the affair but then become outraged with the lies when it casts them in a bad light. You can't sneak and deceive and carry on with someone else is secret and then get mad when people don't know the truth.

 

 

 

 

WW is upset that people know too much truth already.

 

 

Outside of her being a WW that had an affair with the OM and made her husband a BH. What ever else is said or not said does not matter. Because there is no way to make an affair look good.

 

 

anika99, what other truth needs to come out?

 

 

How long the affair was.

How the affair ended.

How many times they had sex.

How many different ways they had sex.

How her BH is handling the affair post D day.

Did the WW bring the OM to her house and do the OM in the BH's bed.

Did WW do the OM in the car that the BH bought for the WW.

How much of the BH's money did the WW spend on the OM.

Did the WW have sex without a condom the way many WW's do.

Who started the affair.

Who was better in bed the BH or OM.

 

anika99, so we get the WW to answer the above then the OMW to do the same. Then who is to be believed and why?