My apologies for this very long post ...

[Ruby65]

OP, if you want to end all this drama, all you need to do is change your number so he can't text you.

 

I'm starting to sense you kind of enjoy the drama, though.

[Eranthe]

I have no desire to court drama in my life at all. I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable with major surgery ahead - the fear of which is probably adding to the sense of emotional turmoil at present. You are probably picking up on that mounting panic. I am genuinely torn in two and it is causing me tremendous anxiety. The anxiety comes from the knowledge that there is no clear road to take where I will feel truly at peace in my heart with my decision. Whether I remain N/C ... or acquiesce to his advances ... either way there is pain, and that makes me feel conflicted, confused and anxious. Cognitive dissonance.

 

So I continue to do what trusted friends and people here assure me is the best thing as I realize that I am too emotionally unsteady to make clear decisions at the moment. However, at times, the anxiety rises up and causes me to panic and, rather than act on it, I come here for support in what I hope can be a supportive and non-judgmental environment.

 

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to comment.

[Eranthe]

Last night I was expecting my friend to arrive at 7pm. At 6.45 the intercom buzzed ... I answered unthinkingly ... it was my ex. His voice sounded fragile and weak and he had a message for me from the hospital about my surgery in a couple of weeks (as even though I asked them to change it, they still have his number as my next-of-kin). Something about his voice hurt me. A few minutes later, my friend arrived and told my ex to get lost.

 

I felt so horrible, so I called him quickly just to say that I was sorry but I couldn't see him and that he needed to stop coming around. He said he wanted to apologize. I told him he made the right decision as he wasn't happy, he said he thought it was a stupid decision and the worst decision he has ever made. He said he hasn't been with anyone else and that he has missed me so much, it has been one of the most painful experiences of his life. He said he has been really miserable without me, and that leaving didn't solve anything and that it haunts him and that it will always haunt him. He said that he hasn't been in touch with any ex's and that he didn't leave me because he wanted to be with other people. He said it was a mistake, a tragic mistake. He said things were so volatile between us and that he hated the fact that our counselor and my friends saw him as an abusive person when all he wanted to do was help me. He said he has been worried about me and that it has been the most awful time in his life ... a nightmare.

 

Then he told me that his father has died whilst we have been apart.

It's a sad story because he is not very IT savvy, and apparently his step brother had sent him a message via FB (yes I know) and because my ex doesn't really check his FB (never uses it, 5 friends) he missed the notification. Long story short, he is the reason his mother and siblings missed the funeral! He was sobbing as he told me this.

 

I was shocked and just didn't know what to say. I said "I'm so sorry you lost your father. I don't know what to do, I'm so confused".

 

We are still talking on the phone, he is in the park opposite my house.

 

He went on to say that what has happened between us has all been such a tragic scenario. He said "... you lost your father in almost identical circumstances, we've both been through the same things. I didn't leave you because I didn't love you, that's the saddest thing, I've loved you the whole time. I didn't ever not love you I just felt like all those psychologists and your friends saw me as an abuser. It was a terrible situation to be in".

 

I told him that perhaps we didn't want the same type of relationship, and that he wouldn't be happy giving up his friendships with ex's to be with me. He said he didn't think that was true at all. "I don't even talk to these people. I've most been on my own. I left the salsa school, I'm learning tango now. I went to paint a mural in Kangaroo Valley on the weekend and all I could think was "we should be coming here on weekends, it would be lovely to bring you here ..."

 

I said "You hurt me so much. You should leave me alone and get on with your life. He said "I know, I know I have. I have come over many many times, but you have not been there.

 

At this point, I just burst into tears and said "I can't do this". He said "ok fair enough, I'll let you go. Thanks for talking. I just wanted to clear the air a little bit. found our parting really tragic. I'll let you go. Maybe get some sleep for your tests tomorrow, but please know that i didn't leave because I don't love you. This whole time has been the hardest and most difficult time of my life. I've been quite depressed. It hasn't been easy. I always wanted to contact you and tried so many times, but you shut me out.

 

I said goodbye and hung up abruptly. I kind of felt panicked that I had spoken to him for so long and felt like I just had to hang up. Later that night I sent him a message that just said "I'm sorry I'm just so confused, I need time to think" He did not respond.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My surgery is looming and it would be so much easier with the support of someone close. I still love him but don't want to set myself up to be hurt again.

[Ruby65]

Again: none of this would have happened if you had simply stuck to No Contact.

[Cinnamonstix]

I think that if you give it a go again, you will get hurt. He has not done anything to change himself, so you will have the same problems. Once he has you and is recovering from his father's death, he will likely start talking to his exes again and/or amass a new set of admirers from his Tango school. I think you already know in your heart this will never work.

[jen1447]

Ok, this will probably be irritating but let's deconstruct your last post.

 

He said he hasn't been with anyone else and that he has missed me so much, it has been one of the most painful experiences of his life. He said he has been really miserable without me, and that leaving didn't solve anything and that it haunts him and that it will always haunt him. He said that he hasn't been in touch with any ex's and that he didn't leave me because he wanted to be with other people. He said it was a mistake, a tragic mistake. He said things were so volatile between us and that he hated the fact that our counselor and my friends saw him as an abusive person when all he wanted to do was help me. He said he has been worried about me and that it has been the most awful time in his life ... a nightmare.

Everything about him, nothing about you.

 

Then he told me that his father has died whilst we have been apart.

It's a sad story because he is not very IT savvy, and apparently his step brother had sent him a message via FB (yes I know) and because my ex doesn't really check his FB (never uses it, 5 friends) he missed the notification. Long story short, he is the reason his mother and siblings missed the funeral! He was sobbing as he told me this.

That's sad, but people always flee to safety in times of crisis. What about good times?

 

He went on to say that what has happened between us has all been such a tragic scenario. He said "... you lost your father in almost identical circumstances, we've both been through the same things. I didn't leave you because I didn't love you, that's the saddest thing, I've loved you the whole time. I didn't ever not love you I just felt like all those psychologists and your friends saw me as an abuser. It was a terrible situation to be in".

I'm really starting to tear up for this guy. It's obvious the world is against him. If only people would understand, life would be better for him. I'm sure you could make life better for him if you tried to understand him. He needs your help. He's lost without you. Do you want him to be lost?

 

I told him that perhaps we didn't want the same type of relationship, and that he wouldn't be happy giving up his friendships with ex's to be with me. He said he didn't think that was true at all. "I don't even talk to these people. I've most been on my own. I left the salsa school, I'm learning tango now. I went to paint a mural in Kangaroo Valley on the weekend and all I could think was "we should be coming here on weekends, it would be lovely to bring you here ..."

I call bs on that one ....wasn't that from a movie?

 

I said "You hurt me so much. You should leave me alone and get on with your life. He said "I know, I know I have. I have come over many many times, but you have not been there.

In other words, "Forget about me hurting you, let's focus on me." You told him move on, and he responded with "I tried to see you many times"? Seriously?

 

At this point, I just burst into tears and said "I can't do this". He said "ok fair enough, I'll let you go. Thanks for talking. I just wanted to clear the air a little bit. found our parting really tragic. I'll let you go. Maybe get some sleep for your tests tomorrow, but please know that i didn't leave because I don't love you. This whole time has been the hardest and most difficult time of my life. I've been quite depressed. It hasn't been easy. I always wanted to contact you and tried so many times, but you shut me out.

Me-me-me. This is an overt attempt at manipulation - first appear to respect your wishes and 'let you go,' show knowledge of a personal fact to suggest interest and concern, hopefully bring about a reciprocal desire for same from you, and then demonstrate how woefully you've failed him in that regard, and appear to manfully accept it and go on his way.

 

I said goodbye and hung up abruptly. I kind of felt panicked that I had spoken to him for so long and felt like I just had to hang up. Later that night I sent him a message that just said "I'm sorry I'm just so confused, I need time to think" He did not respond.

Because he knows he's got you right where he wants you. Righteous and noble silence is his best strategy after that performance.

 

 

Don't buy this line of bs hon bc nothing will change. NOTHING. You can get thru the surgery fine with the support system you already have. Trust me.

[Eranthe]

Hi guys, just checking in.

 

Nothing much has happened since the conversation above, except that he came over once a week ago and texted once. I did not answer the door or respond to the message. Things have suddenly gone very quiet.

 

My guess is that he was pretty sure that his story about his fathers passing (not to sound insensitive here as it is undoubtedly a very sad situation, and one that I am all too familiar with having lost both my parents and my brother) would re-establish communication between us and be a quick way to re-establish intimacy between us. I think it was his trump card and I did not respond by running to his side the way he expected. In fact, I think he resents me for not doing so now and is now emotionally disengaging ... losing interest ...

 

I did want to go to him, it was hard not to. And I did, for a moment, consider the possibility of .... More than a moment actually, I spent a week or so walking in the rain and processing and thinking about nothing else. It was hard to hear him so sad. I do care about him. But if I let him back into my life, what am I saying? Am I saying I forgive you and we can be together? Could I ever forgive him for walking out and not caring about me for two months? Could I trust him again if I took him back? Will I ever truly know if he left me for someone else and it just didn't work out - it's not as if he's going to tell me but I will always wonder. Could we ever have what we had before he left me? Can I forgive and forget, probably not ...

 

I went to see my therapist, talked to a few trusted friends and thought about the responses I got here long and hard. I even read them out to my therapist the other day He too noted, as did you Jen, that the whole conversation seemed to be about him and his feelings.

 

So I have resumed NC and decided to let time pass and the memory of the conversation fade. I think with my surgery less than a week away now, I was hoping for a last minute miracle and that he would ride in on his white horse, say all the right things and give me the love and support I so desperately need right now. I am so scared of going through all of this alone. But the reality is that his presence in my life right now would probably only cause me added stress and anxiety.

 

I guess if I can get through the next few weeks on my own, I will really know how strong I can be!

 

Sending warm thoughts to everyone who is struggling right now

[jen1447]

You did well. Good luck with the surgery!