Author Mapper71 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Point blank: GET Counseling. What is stopping you from realizing that the chronic complaining about "him" is just as ill as his drinking. i tried to be civil yet you simply are NOT dealing with a full deck. repeat again: GET COUNSELING , you need to re access the chronic complaining. Thanks Tayla. Message received. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Part of why the drinker drinks is the people around them - and the anger they have toward them (you). He may have better odds of staying sober if you divorce him and quit picking on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Part of why the drinker drinks is the people around them - and the anger they have toward them (you). He may have better odds of staying sober if you divorce him and quit picking on him. Beach, that is an untrue statement. She is not responsible for his illness, she is responsible though for the chronic negativity being conveyed. She is equally accountable in this relationship yet please stop making her the cause of his illness. She is NOT. She simply does not have healthy coping skills, and his illness certainly isnt helping! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Beach, that is an untrue statement. She is not responsible for his illness, she is responsible though for the chronic negativity being conveyed. She is equally accountable in this relationship yet please stop making her the cause of his illness. She is NOT. She simply does not have healthy coping skills, and his illness certainly isnt helping! I didn't say all of the reason. I said it's part of the equation(dynamics). There are many things that factor in - on whether a drinker gets well or stays drinking. But I have seen better odds of recovery when family stays out of it for a long and extended time while the drinker is recovering. But Mapper - why always the complaints and no action on your part to change anything? Change is up to you if you don't dig it. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) She's not responsible for his illness or his actions, but she's certainly enabling him. Paying for his motorcycle, not telling his friends/family of his behavior....etc. http://tinyurl.com/o4ovej2 Edited March 26, 2015 by rester 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Mapper-if your concern is what other people may say or think about you, then that shouldn't stop you. Because you know that this M doesn't make you happy - it's bad for you. And trust me: people generally don't care what other people do. We think they judge us and they gossip, but they really dont. And if they do, they talk about it maybe for a week max. Then something else comes along that's more interesting. We tend to give that way too much importance. Truth is, people care less than we think they do. They don't give two hoots. We just think they do. But in reality, they're not that interested in our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 You know what he tells me last night? After saying how he just needs to go in and dry up for the next 21 days he says "But I'm guessing in about a year or so I should be able to go out and have a drink or two and not have it be a big deal". He doesn't get it. He thinks this treatment is to make him drink responsibly. He really doesn't see it as this is so he doesn't drink AT ALL! For him it's a bandaid for the problem which can be ripped off when he thinks he's healed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 You know what he tells me last night? After saying how he just needs to go in and dry up for the next 21 days he says "But I'm guessing in about a year or so I should be able to go out and have a drink or two and not have it be a big deal". He doesn't get it. He thinks this treatment is to make him drink responsibly. He really doesn't see it as this is so he doesn't drink AT ALL! For him it's a bandaid for the problem which can be ripped off when he thinks he's healed. Maybe the treatments will help him see the error of that way of thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Maybe the treatments will help him see the error of that way of thinking. Yeah except he's already going in there with the notion that he doesn't want to even talk to anyone, he just wants to be in a controlled environment with no alcohol access. If he does talk to someone, I can guarantee he'll lie to them and not tell them what a train wreck of not working, no money, too much drinking he's become. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 The good treatment programs also talk to the family, that means you & the teenaged daughter. If your stories don't match his, they assume the alcoholic is lying & confront him about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 He needs to join AA, it's the only thing that can save him. They will probably teach him about it in rehab. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 The good treatment programs also talk to the family, that means you & the teenaged daughter. If your stories don't match his, they assume the alcoholic is lying & confront him about it. There's no way the daughter is going to be involved. They haven't spoken for 8 months and she has no idea what is going on. He may give them her phone number and they can have a phone conversation, but that is very doubtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 He needs to join AA, it's the only thing that can save him. They will probably teach him about it in rehab. But he's going in there thinking he doesn't have a problem. He thinks he just needs to find ways to REDUCE his drinking after he gets out of the facility. He has lectured me several times that we NEED to keep alcohol out of the house. Okay that's fine. He acts like it will be all MY fault if I bring any into the house and he won't be able to help himself. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 But he's going in there thinking he doesn't have a problem. if he does not admit to himself that he's got a problem then nothing is going to help him 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Mapper This why YOU have to go to Al-Anon. You can't fix him but you do need to know how you fit into the problem. You can only change yourself & if you don't go to Al-Anon, your life will not get better. The choice is yours and it has nothing to do with him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Mapper This why YOU have to go to Al-Anon. You can't fix him but you do need to know how you fit into the problem. You can only change yourself & if you don't go to Al-Anon, your life will not get better. The choice is yours and it has nothing to do with him. As the daughter, grand-daughter, and ExGF of abusive alcoholics, I approve this message. Mapper, you are a CLASSIC enabler. I was too. There *is* a solution if you choose to take the first step. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Stay in this cycle Mapper71 , Al-anon will be there when the excuses run dry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Husband is in treatment as of yesterday. Doctor said he'll probably be there anywhere between 14 and 21 days. There is family therapy on Tuesday nights and couple therapy on Saturday nights. I was also given an evaluation to fill out regarding what I know about his current/previous substance abuse, what problems it's caused him and also an evaluation of me and our relationship. This will go into his file and MAY be shared with him through his counselor or you can check a box so that it won't be shared. I am torn on what to do. I do want him to know how I really feel, but I am then afraid he's going to resent me for airing all of it when he probably doesn't want it to all be known but I think it has to be shared because then things aren't going to get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Check the box that says do not share. You can always change your mind later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Check the box that says do not share. You can always change your mind later. I took your advice and did just that. I made a side note of saying to not tell him about this right now until I see how he's progressing with his treatment and then I may change my mind. It just sets my mind at ease for the time being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Husband is in treatment as of yesterday. Doctor said he'll probably be there anywhere between 14 and 21 days. There is family therapy on Tuesday nights and couple therapy on Saturday nights. I was also given an evaluation to fill out regarding what I know about his current/previous substance abuse, what problems it's caused him and also an evaluation of me and our relationship. This will go into his file and MAY be shared with him through his counselor or you can check a box so that it won't be shared. I am torn on what to do. I do want him to know how I really feel, but I am then afraid he's going to resent me for airing all of it when he probably doesn't want it to all be known but I think it has to be shared because then things aren't going to get better. I really hope his stint in rehab wakes him up and he takes this opportunity to understand, really 'get' why he's there, allow them to help him. Join Al Non, you need to understand your part in this (enabling) and learn ways of change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 He was admitted on Friday. We were told that he would have a 72 hour blackout period from the time he was admitted, but he called me on Saturday night and I was allowed to go for the weekly visitation on Sunday. I met others there and saw what the place was like. In reality, he really is probably the least in need of the stay. There are so many trying to get off heroin there and not many in for drinking. And he told me he's not really there for the drinking, but more for the counseling on trying to figure out why he doesn't want to go to work. Because it really isn't the drinking that is keeping him from working. There have been days when he hasn't had much to drink but still doesn't go to work. Then there have been days when there was no way I thought he'd make it into work due to too much to drink but he goes in. I think it's more about getting things sorted with his daughter and getting those feelings out. However, he tells me that due to hardship, he can take money out of his VIP at work without penalty. He thinks this is a cure all for him not having any money to help with the bills. He wants to take out $4000! Well he already still owes almost $3000 for another loan he took out and now he'll have to pay this back as well. That was money we were going to take out for a trip to Spain when his other loan was paid off and now it's to pay bills. There goes that trip. That doesn't help anything, it just adds to all his other debt. Taking money from one place to cover stuff in another place but still having to pay back the other money. He's got $5000 in debt with credit card bills now add another $4000 of loans on top of $3000 of loans. These loan payments get taken out of his check which means his check suffers along with all the child support that gets taken out AND he has more money taken out for a debt from years ago that he never paid and now collection agency deducts hundreds of dollars from each check and he doesn't do anything to find out what is going on with it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 In reality, he really is probably the least in need of the stay. See, this is enabling behaviour right there and you're downplaying or in denial on how serious his drinking problem is. Addiction is addiction so don't compare his addiction to others. Your husband IS an alcoholic - Fact! He needs this, even if you can't see it. I hope he stays the FULL amount of time he's supposed to be there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Yes I know, but comparing him to others there who had to go through detox and still don't seem all there and have the shakes compared to him, he seems normal. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 You can't compare his addiction with others. Someone will always look like they are worse off... And what's with this idea of borrowing money for a trip to Spain when you are so far into debt?!?! Where are your priorities? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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