What should I look out for <related to affairs>?

[I4givehim]

I think this is one of the harder things for me. You can find all kinds of ways to spy on him and try to catch him cheating but in the end it just really takes away from the kind of person you are. You can only do so much to make someone love you. If they don't then you just have to let them go. Why fight for someone when they want someone else. Sure so many people say they don't know what they want but why should that be on the BS. Why should we suffer with there mistakes and indecision. I don't know all of your story but you sound like a really smart woman. I wouldn't put myself through this to much more. I know there are lots and lots of men that would give to be with a woman that is faithful.

 

Clay

He says he doesn't want the OW he wants me. He said he loves me not her. I said you have a funny way of showing your love. He said he will do anything to make up for what he did..... I want to know how you love your wife and do another women. I can't imagine doing that to another person.

[Clay]

See I was with a serial cheater for ten years and she wasn't the first woman to cheat on me. Now maybe it could be said I had a knack for picking that kind of a woman I honestly will never know. What I do know is cheaters lie. Nothing they say can be trusted. Everything from now on is to be questioned. He wouldn't have went to be with another woman if he really loved you. Its completely a lie to say he doesn't have some kind of feelings for her. You don't have sex with someone you hate. It sounds more like he is sorry he was caught and now doesn't want to loose what he feels is safe. I think the real question is how do you feel? What do you really want? I know most people say they want what they used to have back. Well you will never get that back. You might get some kind of variation of that back but it will never be the same. You will always look over your shoulder and wonder. That is the downfall with staying with a cheater.

 

I moved on. It was hard as hell to do but I did it. I kept custody of my four kids and kept the house. It took a while to get things going but I don't regret it one bit.

 

I think in the end your just going to have to figure out what you want to do. If you do stay with him I recommend you get into counselling.

 

Clay

[Hope Shimmers]

He wouldn't have went to be with another woman if he really loved you.

 

I don't believe this to be true in every case at all. Again, the generalizations. The ex-MM in my case loves his wife very much.

 

People screw up, I4giveHim. I can't know your situation in particular, and please remember that no one else who posted here (or in any of your other threads) can know either. So take any advice you get with that in mind. We don't know him.

 

I've read your threads and I don't see where it is clear at all that he isn't remorseful.

 

Its completely a lie to say he doesn't have some kind of feelings for her. You don't have sex with someone you hate.

 

I think he used the word 'hate' because of the anger of the situation. I doubt he 'hated' her when he had sex with her. However, none of us know if he has feelings for her now or not. That is the fact.

 

Again I am trying to give alternatives to many generalizations that others insist on believing. This is not the usual direction in which I go against the grain of other posters but I hope it is fair balance! It works both ways.

 

OP I think your real issue is deciding whether he is honestly fully aboard with reconciliation, but this is very new to you and I'm not sure this would be the best time to decide. Others who have successfully reconciled can be much more helpful than me here. But I would suggest that you consider giving it some time before you give up, and see if you can come to terms with whether he is fully into reconciliation. It is a lot of love, marriage, family, and commitment for you two, for you and he to not give it that time and effort.

 

I too think you can't effectively 'police' him, so you will have to find other ways to trust him. That will take more time than has gone by so far. Just my opinion.

[elaine567]

He isn't doing anything to make me think he is talking to her. I recieved a email from the OW. She confirmed NC since DDay. It was a real eye opener reading her email. I feel like such a fool. I never had a reason not to trust him. It's awful the way he took advantage of it. I want to thank everyone for your help. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. Time will heal everything.

 

Do not believe her completely either, they may have cooked it up between the two of them to put you off the scent.

Or she or he may be doing their damnedest to persuade the other to start it all up again.

Also, he has crossed the line to cheat, next time he will find it easier and be more sneaky to make sure he is not caught, this OW may be history, on to the next...

[elaine567]

 

OP I think your real issue is deciding whether he is honestly fully aboard with reconciliation, but this is very new to you and I'm not sure this would be the best time to decide. Others who have successfully reconciled can be much more helpful than me here. But I would suggest that you consider giving it some time before you give up, and see if you can come to terms with whether he is fully into reconciliation. It is a lot of love, marriage, family, and commitment for you two, for you and he to not give it that time and effort.

 

I too think you can't effectively 'police' him, so you will have to find other ways to trust him. That will take more time than has gone by so far. Just my opinion.

 

I know there is a lot of history here, but a whole year of cheating is going to be difficult to get over.

ONS, alcohol, sexual attraction and lust, maybe;

Two week 'mad' fling, perhaps;

one whole year sneaking about, lying time and time again, very hard.

[Hope Shimmers]

I know there is a lot of history here, but a whole year of cheating is going to be difficult to get over.

ONS, alcohol, sexual attraction and lust, maybe;

Two week 'mad' fling, perhaps;

one whole year sneaking about, lying time and time again, very hard.

 

I understand that and agree. Yet there are posters here who have reconciled in similar situations, if my memory is correct.

[Hope Shimmers]

Do not believe her completely either, they may have cooked it up between the two of them to put you off the scent.

Or she or he may be doing their damnedest to persuade the other to start it all up again.

Also, he has crossed the line to cheat, next time he will find it easier and be more sneaky to make sure he is not caught, this OW may be history, on to the next...

 

And yes, very true. But I still don't see evidence (presented to us at least) of that. So I would think that she might want to step back and decide whether that is the case. I've read several cases where the WS is very remorseful and reconciliation happens. Again, I am just bringing up ideas and have no experience in this - just want the OP to take everything into account because we just can't know.

[BlackHat]

I am learning so much about A. I didn't know about disposable phones. Is there anything else I should be looking for that would be a #1 sign of my H continuing with and/or contacting the OW? Thank you for your help

 

I am a cheater myself, so maybe I can help you out a bit.

 

When a cheater gets caught, two things happen:

- We are very very sorry...we got caught.

- We learn from our mistakes...so next time it will be 100 more difficult for you to caught us.

 

I too have a disposable phone, and another laptop, and a full set of clothes that always get washed outside my house, and another wallet, and cash set aside.

 

And my wife sure has my email password and my bank account password...that is, the ones I share with her. I have my own set which I use in my second laptop.

 

Sounds crazy? It is not. In fact, it costs next to nothing, and getting into the habit takes as long as it takes you choosing what you are going to wear at the office. All these items are kept together outside the house.

 

What I am trying to tell you is that, since you already caught him, it is going to be really difficult to catch him again. However, not all is lost.

 

You talked about OW...it she a "regular" one, or are you talking about random women? Because if you know who he cheated you with, all you need to do is to talk to her (by the way, this is why I never have regular hook-ups).

 

The only other thing I can think of is to call him when he is away. If it takes too long to answer or he doesn't answer at all, when he tells his story you will need to verify it.

 

But at the end of the day, if you don't trust him, why don't you leave him?

[autumnnight]

I think there is a lot of wisdom in what Clay has posted. In the end, A) do you want to be with someone you will have to basically parent and police, and if so, why? and B) Do you want to become the kind of person who regularly and forever parents and polices? There are some people who become addicted to the evidence hunt, but they are not very healthy or happy, and their view of marriage in general is quite skewed.

 

You deserve to be with someone you can trust sleeping next to without having to figure out new ways to constantly make sure he is who he says he is.

[jan2012]

you will have to use VAR's in his car, in the house where he would be talking in the middle of the night and when you are away, perhaps in the bathroom, garage, etc.

 

This is the only way to find out if he has a burner phone etc.

 

good luck.

[jan2012]

I think there is a lot of wisdom in what Clay has posted. In the end, A) do you want to be with someone you will have to basically parent and police, and if so, why? and B) Do you want to become the kind of person who regularly and forever parents and polices? There are some people who become addicted to the evidence hunt, but they are not very healthy or happy, and their view of marriage in general is quite skewed.

 

You deserve to be with someone you can trust sleeping next to without having to figure out new ways to constantly make sure he is who he says he is.

 

 

 

In the mean time, while you figure out all of that, which will take time, you should VAR. This way you will find out if he is still involved, and also you can look into wether this is a pattern of his, or if it is a one time thing.

 

If it is a pattern, meaning he has been doing this with lots of people numerous times, than you will want to move on, and hopefully it won't take you too long to figure that out for yourself.

 

If it is a one time thing, and you want to fix it, than good luck, it can be done.

[I4givehim]

In the mean time, while you figure out all of that, which will take time, you should VAR. This way you will find out if he is still involved, and also you can look into wether this is a pattern of his, or if it is a one time thing.

 

If it is a pattern, meaning he has been doing this with lots of people numerous times, than you will want to move on, and hopefully it won't take you too long to figure that out for yourself.

 

If it is a one time thing, and you want to fix it, than good luck, it can be done.

It wasn't a one time fling. It was a one year affair. If I didn't get the anonymous letter in the mail it would still be going on right now. What a fool I have been. Never had any idea he was CHEATING!!! I thought he was depressed. I didn't want to over load him with stress. So, I worked two jobs to pay the bills. He did NOTHING!!! Oh, sorry he did her..... I am such an A**.

[Red123]

It wasn't a one time fling. It was a one year affair. If I didn't get the anonymous letter in the mail it would still be going on right now. What a fool I have been. Never had any idea he was CHEATING!!! I thought he was depressed. I didn't want to over load him with stress. So, I worked two jobs to pay the bills. He did NOTHING!!! Oh, sorry he did her..... I am such an A**.

 

No your not! You did everything you could and more. This is on him. I totally understand feeling fooled, I have been there, but please be gentle with yourself, none of this is your fault.