Friend zone vs marrying best friend.

[MGX]

"Friend Zone" is male media-perpetuated propaganda that some men buy into. Its not really true from a woman's stand point.

 

There are people who are destined to be friends and not lovers, but "Friend Zone" puts a negative spin on that and Friendship is not negative. Some people have a great friendship for months or years and it develops over time. What could possibly be wrong with that?

 

Anyone can grow into a relationship based on time and trust, experiences, etc etc. I think someone invented the whole "Friend Zone" notion so they could justify continuing to approach and expect sex very soon while getting to know someone. I hear so many saying "screw that, I already have friends." But then you look around and see, they don't have any female friends. Thus, they are really just out to bang females and not care anything about them on a personal level. I think the terminology comes from the notion that a woman decided within 5 minutes if she wants to be with you. While it is true that some attractions can happen immediately, this is not always the case, and why its generally better overall to pay attention and get to know someone other than when your biorhythms happen to be in

 

There are women who get physical really early, then the relationship develops and when they marry they feel its their best friend. Other women get to know someone over time, and the physical aspect comes later and they are still marrying their best friend.

 

By the way, its always good to hear this, since so many don't marry their bff, and instead marry someone simply because they appear to be good marriage material.

 

I disagree.

 

The idea that friendship can develop into something more gives men this false hope that a woman who wants them as a friend COULD eventually change her mind and warm up to him as time passes -- like some romcom. The whole "friendzone" aspect stops men from expecting their women buddies to "wake up" and gets them to move onto someone who will like them romantically from the start.

[MGX]

The difference - attraction.

The friendzone guy they did not find physically desirable. They like him, and he's a nice decent guy, and maybe they share a number of common interests but the guy is much more into her than she is into him, and he will put in more effort into the friendship than she will.

 

With the women saying they are marrying their best friend, its not usually a case of him being a best friend to begin with and he grew on her and they became lovers and its happy ever after. Rather she was attracted to him from the start, maybe she was in his social circle or maybe not, but they started hanging out or dating and the attraction snowballed as she got to know his personally and they get on extremely well and enjoy each others company a lot no matter what they are doing and spend a lot of time together.

 

Trying to be a great friend to a girl hoping she will see what a great guy you are and would make a great devoted thoughtful bf, is a lousy strategy.

 

^ This!

 

Thanks to movies and media, guys tend to think that this would work, but in reality, it NEVER does.

[salparadise]

I wish people would just quit using all the friend terms unless they're talking about actual, platonic friendship. It's cutesy, cliché and completely inaccurate in my opinion. I realize that what they mean is no sniffing the vagina until I decide if I'm interested, but it still sounds like BS.

 

Romance and friendship are different relationships, and while it's not impossible for friendship to transform into romance, it's pretty rare and if that happens the romantic relationship eclipses and displaces the prior relationship.

 

I get so annoyed reading profiles when women say things like... "looking for my best friend," or "friends first and then we'll see," or select the relationships type "new friends." I just think, I don't have the patience for that crap. If they can't even say that they're looking for a romantic partner then what are the chances of that ever happening? Start out in the friendzone––nah, pass.

Edited March 24, 2015 by salparadise

[xxoo]

Do men not feel that they wife is their best friend? My husband describes me as his best friend.

 

I don't understand how this is difficult to understand. You meet someone in your social circle. You click, and the flirting is heavy. You start dating. You soon become attached at the hip. Fast forward a year or two: you're marrying your best friend.

[organizedchaos]

So where do I start? If that's not the right way?

 

How about making your intentions clear from the start and just asking them out?

[salparadise]

Do men not feel that they wife is their best friend? My husband describes me as his best friend.

 

I don't understand how this is difficult to understand. You meet someone in your social circle. You click, and the flirting is heavy. You start dating. You soon become attached at the hip. Fast forward a year or two: you're marrying your best friend.

 

Well, perhaps it has as much to do with word selection (semantics) as anything, but I've never thought of a romantic relationship as having much (if anything) in common with my platonic, same-sex, best-friend relationships. They're just totally different categories. The rules, expectations, feeling, attitude and behaviors... all very different.

 

I guess some of the things in common are loyalty, trust, respect and intimacy (not sexual intimacy). So maybe that's what people mean when they characterize a romantic partner as their best friend.

 

But the difference are, my male best friend friendships have virtually no expectations attached, they only end with the death of one of the two, I don't feel responsible for that person, I am not fixated on their body or making them cum, and the boundaries are usually clear and never tested.

 

Another comparison might be the difference between parent-child and sibling relationships. It's easy to have a sibling who is also a best friend where there is significant overlap, but parent-child relationships have only a tiny amount of overlap (healthy ones at least), even though there are elements of friendship contained within. A romantic relationship is more analogous to the parent-child (and no, I don't mean similar).

 

I guess it depends a lot on a person's vocabulary, mental organization and perspective, but for me it's different enough that using the term "best friend" seems trite and inadequate. You know, sometimes taking a good grumpy in the morning is extremely satisfying... but I never categorize it as a hobby or one of my favorite activities.

[carhill]

There are people who say that when a lady looks at you as a friend, that you don't have any chance of becoming her date. Then there are plenty of ladies who post on facebook, that they are thrilled to be marrying their best friend. What is the difference between the two kinds of friend?

They're simply words used to match feelings of the moment. IMO, don't draw any sweeping conclusions from such, as they can be as fleeting as the feelings which inspire them. That same person could be, with different feelings on-board, shortly after expounding that they never loved that person at all and the person was never their friend. Why? Because that's how they feel at the moment. And then, poof, the story changes.

 

IMO, one can only form observations over a long period of time by watching what people do, what they say, and how things match up. One can never know, for sure, what's going on in their minds. The thoughts of the woman apparently friend-zoning the guy are unknown to anyone but her; the same with the woman who breathlessly states she married her best friend. In general, time reveals all truths but, unfortunately, due to our mortality, time can be an enemy too. Hence, that's why I figure it's the one there at the end, if any, holding my hand being the one I got it right about. All the others were maybes. The last one could be a maybe too but I'll be dead so it won't matter.

[xxoo]

I am someone who characterizes my husband as my best friend. What I mean by that is that he is my favorite person, the person I want to talk to about everything, the person I want to do everything with, the person I enjoy spending time with the most. We don't even go out with friends separately, unless there is a reason we can't both go. That is a "best friendship" that goes above and beyond the romance and partnership that we share as a couple.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Everybody is different.

 

For me, friendship and romance are essentially the same. So it would be correct for me to state that the one I marry will be my best friend (which has a vagina). I am still friends with all of the women I have dated (not many) and with one of them I bat around the idea of asking her to marry me. It's a total grey line.

 

I assume some women think the same. There's no rulebook for life. Don't buy into the idea that all women think the same. Women kill people and chop up their bodies too.

 

That said, it's easier on your heart to act quickly, because if you do the friends first route, you'll become attached and if you get rejected (which is very likely), it's all the hurt with none of the benefits. The worst thing in romance.

Edited March 24, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[MGX]

Do men not feel that they wife is their best friend? My husband describes me as his best friend.

 

I don't understand how this is difficult to understand. You meet someone in your social circle. You click, and the flirting is heavy. You start dating. You soon become attached at the hip. Fast forward a year or two: you're marrying your best friend.

 

The difference is that when you mee someone in your social circle who becomes a FRIEND, you hang out, watch movies, play video games, go places, joke around as platonic buddies.

 

The media romcom myth is when THAT particular platonic relationship grows into something more. When a woman starts to realize "Hey...Fred over there is a pretty awesome guy. He's not bad looking, we have great times together, he's wonderful in a crisis, he always thinks of me...why aren't we dating?"

[MGX]

How about making your intentions clear from the start and just asking them out?

 

That NEVER works! She would automatically say no, since he doesn't stand out from every other guy and the movie would be over!

 

You have to show her what a great guy you are FIRST! She'll slowly realize it...and then the magic happens

[xxoo]

The difference is that when you mee someone in your social circle who becomes a FRIEND, you hang out, watch movies, play video games, go places, joke around as platonic buddies.

 

The media romcom myth is when THAT particular platonic relationship grows into something more. When a woman starts to realize "Hey...Fred over there is a pretty awesome guy. He's not bad looking, we have great times together, he's wonderful in a crisis, he always thinks of me...why aren't we dating?"

 

It really does happen, but usually there is a REASON they didn't date from the start. The most common reason is that one or the other is dating someone else (not available to date).

 

I know a newlywed couple who got together this way. For years, either he was dating someone, or she was, and all the while they were friends, and finally they were both single and.....

[JuneJulySeptember]

That NEVER works! She would automatically say no, since he doesn't stand out from every other guy and the movie would be over!

 

You have to show her what a great guy you are FIRST! She'll slowly realize it...and then the magic happens

 

That's not true. It does work.

 

It might literally take certain guys 1 out of 250 women to find that woman who shows the same interest off the bat. And that one woman might not be that physically attractive. But that's another topic that has been covered ... here ... literally hundreds of times.

 

If you are after the cutie-pie, and you're 19 years old, then yea, of course, she has 50 other dudes after her and, bam, you're just a friend because she does not have to compromise.

[MGX]

That's not true. It does work.

 

It might literally take certain guys 1 out of 250 women to find that woman who shows the same interest off the bat. And that one woman might not be that physically attractive. But that's another topic that has been covered ... here ... literally hundreds of times.

 

If you are after the cutie-pie, and you're 19 years old, then yea, of course, she has 50 other dudes after her and, bam, you're just a friend because she does not have to compromise.

 

I was joking there. I added the laughing faces...

[JuneJulySeptember]

I was joking there. I added the laughing faces...

 

Gotcha.

 

I actually generally agree with you.

 

Friends first is a bad way to go because rejection is very likely. It's just not absolute.

[somedude81]

It really does happen, but usually there is a REASON they didn't date from the start. The most common reason is that one or the other is dating someone else (not available to date).

 

I know a newlywed couple who got together this way. For years, either he was dating someone, or she was, and all the while they were friends, and finally they were both single and.....

 

That's actually how my ex and I got together.

 

She was already in a relationship when we met. Still we became friends. As soon as she was available we moved into a relationship.

 

So we were "friends first" for about five months.

 

If we had met when she was single, we probably would not have started dating.

[organizedchaos]

That's actually how my ex and I got together.

 

She was already in a relationship when we met. Still we became friends. As soon as she was available we moved into a relationship.

 

So we were "friends first" for about five months.

 

If we had met when she was single, we probably would not have started dating.

 

Yes, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. Doesn't mean it's a good idea to rely on it to tell time.

[somedude81]

Yes, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. Doesn't mean it's a good idea to rely on it to tell time.

 

Of course it's not a good idea to rely on it. How did you even come to the conclusion that I was saying it was a good idea?

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yes, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. Doesn't mean it's a good idea to rely on it to tell time.

 

And it is wrong 118 times a day!

 

Sounds just like my dating life.

[organizedchaos]

Of course it's not a good idea to rely on it. How did you even come to the conclusion that I was saying it was a good idea?

 

From your dating & posting history.

 

But just in general, not to get people's hopes up that this is a good way to approach dating just because it worked once.

[somedude81]

From your dating & posting history.

 

But just in general, not to get people's hopes up that this is a good way to approach dating just because it worked once.

 

LOL! You used my dating & posting history to form your own conclusion of what you think my post was saying, when my post didn't contain that message at all?

 

Just to make things clear.

 

Trying to become friends with women who have boyfriends and hoping that they will leave their boyfriend to start dating you is a horrible way to look for women to date.

 

Lets hope that got my point across.

[organizedchaos]

LOL! You used my dating & posting history to form your own conclusion of what you think my post was saying, when my post didn't contain that message at all?

 

Just to make things clear.

 

Trying to become friends with women who have boyfriends and hoping that they will leave their boyfriend to start dating you is a horrible way to look for women to date.

 

Lets hope that got my point across.

 

And also, trying to remain friends with women when they've clearly rejected you as a romantic prospect in the hopes they will change their minds once they get to know you better is also a horrible way to look for women to date (i.e. your history)

 

In any case, not turing this in to a thread about you, just in general as it relates to the topic.

[GemmaUK]

And also, trying to remain friends with women when they've clearly rejected you as a romantic prospect in the hopes they will change their minds once they get to know you better is also a horrible way to look for women to date

 

 

True and it's actually one of the worst red flags that there is.

[neowulf]

I'm often surprised that men struggle to understand the "friendzone" concept at all.

 

Maybe it's because men in general are less picky.

 

But I could ask a man to walk down the street and point out every women he'd never consider sleeping with.

 

It's *exactly* the same for women.

 

You just don't push their buttons. You don't have to do anything wrong, or be ugly, or even undesirable. It's often not personal at all. For whatever reason, they just. aren't. interested.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm often surprised that men struggle to understand the "friendzone" concept at all.

 

Maybe it's because men in general are less picky.

 

But I could ask a man to walk down the street and point out every women he'd never consider sleeping with.

 

It's *exactly* the same for women.

 

You just don't push their buttons. You don't have to do anything wrong, or be ugly, or even undesirable. It's often not personal at all. For whatever reason, they just. aren't. interested.

 

For me, I had trouble understanding it for a bit, because I don't deal in totality.

 

If I had a really cool female friend I would be attracted to her to some degree. I would probably at least date her for a bit, or at the VERY least bat around the idea in my head. And I have actually been attracted to all of my good female friends in varying degrees.

 

But women who have rejected me seem to have come to the conclusion that the attraction meter is zero and always has been zero. Which I don't think all women think like that, but a lot do.

 

But most men aren't like me either. Most men deal in totality and can give a firm yes or no upon the first 10 seconds.

 

I think a better assessment is the more options/attention you have had growing up, the more attraction is a yes/no matter for you, male or female.

Edited March 26, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember