beach Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 A story???? I'm not ready to talk to her yet. I have a lot of questions and I want to be prepared for her. You'll never feel fully prepared! Just step in with a list of questions and see if she answers them. 1
Million.to.1 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 You always have the option to of Friending her but immediately putting her on your Restricted list. Restricted "friends" only see what the public (non friends) see anyway, but you will be able to see all of their profile. (unless they put you on restricted too) Probably best to have a quick look though what is currently public on your profile and change what you need to, especially photos, as profile pics (including past ones) are automatically public unless you change the settings of each photo. How (and Why) to Create a 'Restricted' List on Facebook
elaine567 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 You always have the option to of Friending her but immediately putting her on your Restricted list. Restricted "friends" only see what the public (non friends) see anyway, but you will be able to see all of their profile. (unless they put you on restricted too) Probably best to have a quick look though what is currently public on your profile and change what you need to, especially photos, as profile pics (including past ones) are automatically public unless you change the settings of each photo. How (and Why) to Create a 'Restricted' List on Facebook All that is sooo complicated. FB tends to change its privacy procedures frequently and FB has been known to get it wrong too... She, as a "friend", suddenly may then be privy to photos, friends lists and conversations she shouldn't be. A new free email address given to her alone makes sure she sees nothing, no mistakes are made, there is no assumption of friendship and cosy chats, and it is much more businesslike. 1
aliveagain Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Is it possible she knows about other things he has done or hidden from you? Remember she is the looser other woman because he chose you and not her, she has her own game plan. Whatever she tells you, ask for proof. Carry a VAR(voice activated recorder). We Italians have a way of dealing with people like her, any new building planned in your area? 2
gettingstronger Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I was also told of my husbands affair anon (by text) and am pretty sure it was our OW hoping I would kick him out- Here is/was my experience with allowing our OW in our lives via text, email- I told my husband to end it in person because I felt like that was the surest way to give her closure and for us to move on (and I wanted to make sure my husband wanted to be with me)- she declined- a bit later she wanted me to hear her out- OK, I felt like maybe she deserved to be heard and again, wanted closure for her so we could move on (yes, I was being kind but also selfish because the key here is her=gone; us=move on) I heard everything from her POV which of course put her in a good light, my husband in a bad one- OK, that seemed about right, everyone has their own POV does not make one person or the other a liar-it was tough, took a lot of talking to work through with my husband, etc... BUT what it did was open a door between her and I that she has yet to close- she contacts me under her name and anon for now over 2 years-she feels entitled to remain part of our lives no matter what- I wish I had never opened that door- I wish I never made her feel like her input in our lives was important or wanted-I gave her ammo to use against us-ie- I said it bothered me she knew so much about our family- I now get birthday wishes for myself and my kids, even my pets as well as "are you planting your flowers today" on Mothers Day which is our tradition- I pretty much showed her my weak spots and she uses them all.the.time- So tread lightly, my experience may or may not be unique- I do believe our OW to be on the meaner side of people in general so I am not saying all OW are as this ridiculous- 1
Million.to.1 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 All that is sooo complicated. FB tends to change its privacy procedures frequently and FB has been known to get it wrong too... She, as a "friend", suddenly may then be privy to photos, friends lists and conversations she shouldn't be. A new free email address given to her alone makes sure she sees nothing, no mistakes are made, there is no assumption of friendship and cosy chats, and it is much more businesslike. It's actually not complicated at all. It just takes a basic understanding of how privacy on FB works, which anybody who uses FB, should have grasp of anyway. You are right that an email address is probably the best... i was simply suggesting this option if OP wanted access to the AP profile for her own snooping purposes without giving up her own privacy. 1
elaine567 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 It's actually not complicated at all. It just takes a basic understanding of how privacy on FB works, which anybody who uses FB, should have grasp of anyway. You are right that an email address is probably the best... i was simply suggesting this option if OP wanted access to the AP profile for her own snooping purposes without giving up her own privacy. FB have made lots of mistakes in the past where users private data ended up not being private, and FB tends not to be good at letting users know when it changes privacy settings either, they have history...
sandylee1 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 BUT what it did was open a door between her and I that she has yet to close- she contacts me under her name and anon for now over 2 years-she feels entitled to remain part of our lives no matter what- I wish I had never opened that door- I wish I never made her feel like her input in our lives was important or wanted-I gave her ammo to use against us-ie- I said it bothered me she knew so much about our family- I now get birthday wishes for myself and my kids, even my pets as well as "are you planting your flowers today" on Mothers Day which is our tradition- I pretty much showed her my weak spots and she uses them all.the.time- So- I don't know how you manage to continue communicating with her. Not that you'd ever forget, but her contact would be a continued reminder of his infidelity. Why would she carry on doing this? Will this go on forever? Can't you just block her? Ignore her or tell her to stop? 2
Author I4givehim Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Is it possible she knows about other things he has done or hidden from you? Remember she is the looser other woman because he chose you and not her, she has her own game plan. Whatever she tells you, ask for proof. Carry a VAR(voice activated recorder). We Italians have a way of dealing with people like her, any new building planned in your area? LOL. Thanks for the laugh. New building planned blahaha... 1
gettingstronger Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I've done it all, blocked, changed numbers, had law involved, you name it. I have not responded in 2 years and yet it continues. Our work emails don't have a block function, you can pay to find anyone's phone number, she must Google me because she shows up on professional networks I'm in. Sometimes it's in her name, sometimes anon, sometimes a fake name. It's insane and honestly, the law doesn't help much because it's all so disjointed and nearly impossible to prove. My point is, boy do I regret ever opening that door! 1
Artie Lang Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 her words... to be "taken with a grain of salt." 3
Mal78 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 There has to be a motive. She is not coming to you 'out of the goodness of her heart'. He messed with her and she is scorned, she is going to hit him where he hurts. She is more than likely going to tell you the typical: He said the marriage is over/not working, that he is not happy with you and that he was 'planning' to leave you for her. A lot of A include future-faking. It is all part of the game to keep each other interested, it's part of the allure and the fantasy. He has never wanted to leave you (typically MM don't leave their wives for the OW). She is hurt and selfishly "her" closure with your WH is to see you hurting. It's up to you to allow her the satisfaction. She is desperate because she lost. OW HATE to lose. ((Huge hugs)) 4
GollumsNightmare Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 A couple months after dday I told my wh that i was going to call the OW for a meeting so I could get closure. (I had known her as a friendly aquaintance for years). Wow. I got a LOT more details from HIM that day. It nearly destroyed us. In my meeting with her, I totally gave away my power by telling her how she had destroyed me. She didnt get my anger, she got my weakness. To this day, I think she thinks he stayed with me because she is stronger than I am, and he has to take care of me. He told me he alluded to that during the affair. That just pisses me off. I am stronger than ever now. She has no idea the hell we went through reconciling. HE certainly knows I can take care of myself now. 5
WhiteOrchid Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I would NOT talk to this person. First of all, you cannot trust one word that comes out of her mouth. It is burning her up that her little plan to steal your husband backfired, so now she is desperately thinking of other ways to intrude on your life. Don't let her. Every single thread I've ever seen in the OW forum pertaining to them talking to the BS talks about how they lied about the true details. This OW is not going to be any different. I really don't see any benefit to it. Block her from all your social media. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I would NOT talk to this person. First of all, you cannot trust one word that comes out of her mouth. It is burning her up that her little plan to steal your husband backfired, so now she is desperately thinking of other ways to intrude on your life. Don't let her. Every single thread I've ever seen in the OW forum pertaining to them talking to the BS talks about how they lied about the true details. This OW is not going to be any different. I really don't see any benefit to it. Block her from all your social media. Not sure we know for sure she had any sort of plan. Unless I missed something, the only thing she has said so far is that she has a lot to tell the OP. So maybe she... really wants to tell her the truth!? Shocker! Sure, there are a lot of OW who would lie, either to protect the WS or for spite or whatever. But not all. I've read many threads in the OW forum over the years where OW were honest to the BS and answered any questions. Mine being one of them. 2
Noirek Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I would NOT talk to this person. First of all, you cannot trust one word that comes out of her mouth. It is burning her up that her little plan to steal your husband backfired, so now she is desperately thinking of other ways to intrude on your life. Don't let her. Every single thread I've ever seen in the OW forum pertaining to them talking to the BS talks about how they lied about the true details. This OW is not going to be any different. I really don't see any benefit to it. Block her from all your social media. Every single one? You and I must read a very different forum. 1
fishstar Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Hi, I don't think you should have any interaction with her online. From experience, I feel you should just let it go. Unless it is to verify something he's said which would affect what you decide about the marriage. But even then, it's better to use your instincts (which I know get all messed up in this period) to decide your trust of him. I personally left FB. I believe it can be a negative and unnatural platform for social interaction of any kind. If it didn't exist, would she have known how to contact you? It is not real, it's a place of mindgames, perversion, information overload. It constantly stimulates the limbic system (area of brain controlling emotions), and can leave you wanting more and more, then feeling emotionally starved. It can leave you open to vulnerability also, moral dilemmas, and social tension, as this example shows. Let all thoughts of her go, if you can. Let thoughts of this request on FB go. She isn't worth thinking about right now. Think of your emotional wellbeing, staying safe, and moving forward. 1
Confused48 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I think the OW in this situation is likely to be on a mission to destroy the marriage. She likely sent the anon letter. Not to come clean but to damage the marriage and scoop up the "prize" OP, you should let her have him. The best revenge on an OW is to let her have the cheating, lying, pos. But I digress. If you aren't going to let her have the pos, then be very wary of anything she has to say. I'd say tell your WS you are going to talk to her before you do. Squeeze as much out of your WS this way first. Then verify what he tells you by talking to the OW. This way you will be somewhat fortified against anything she says that is twisted to be especially hurtful to you. You will be prepared. You will be able to say, yes, I heard that from my WS first. Is the OW married? Can you return the favor? You should if you can. 2
Mal78 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I think the OW in this situation is likely to be on a mission to destroy the marriage. She likely sent the anon letter. Not to come clean but to damage the marriage and scoop up the "prize" OP, you should let her have him. The best revenge on an OW is to let her have the cheating, lying, pos. But I digress. If you aren't going to let her have the pos, then be very wary of anything she has to say. I'd say tell your WS you are going to talk to her before you do. Squeeze as much out of your WS this way first. Then verify what he tells you by talking to the OW. This way you will be somewhat fortified against anything she says that is twisted to be especially hurtful to you. You will be prepared. You will be able to say, yes, I heard that from my WS first. Is the OW married? Can you return the favor? You should if you can. I agree with confused48, however from what I gather the WH does not want his BW to have contact with the OW. Comparing notes will most definitely be out of the question. However, I like the idea of telling her regardless of what she says, how shocking it might be to say, "I know this, my WH has told me already". After a few rounds of the OW telling the BS things, of course hurtful things and she continues to "know this already" then she could say to the OW, "it seems to me you have exhausted all the thing you thought I should know [that I already do] so unless you have something to tell me that my H hasn't then there is nothing more to talk about". As a BS, I would be totally satisfied with this. The OW might not be but who cares! 1
Popsicle Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I'm with H. I say skip talking to her, especially if you are going to stay M to H anyway. Since both you and H have already stayed after the affair came out, it does not matter what OW says. 1
velvette Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I would think twice about talking to her and limit it to a unique email just for her. If she were on the up and up, she would have apologized and told you if you wanted to talk to her she would. The only reason I would talk to her is if you have something to say to her. Otherwise, be prepared that she may lie to cause trouble or simply because your H lied to her and she doesn't know the truth or has a different perspective on it than she did. I definitely wouldn't talk to her via and avenue that gave her continued access. There are plenty of OW that try to maintain contact with the wife if they cant contact the WS. Its a means to keep the drama going that they are still addicted to and/or to try to provoke contact with WS. BTW don't be surprised if talking to you does result in break in NC because she may find a way to "let him know so he's not blindsided" or "apologize that she contacted him" or whatever. There's also the risk that it will provoke your H to contact her if she says something that causes enough trouble. If you must talk to her do it via email and take what she says with a grain of salt. 2
truncated Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I wouldn't talk to her, as no matter what she has to say, it is going to be very hard for you to believe her, and with just cause. If you feel you really must talk to her, i would suggest doing it face to face and include your husband. Suggest a neutral spot like a restaurant or coffee shop you don't really ever go to, and meet her there.z You will be able to ask your questions, and with both of them there, the responses should be accurate. 1
Lion Heart Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) Wow those posts blew my mind! I'm surprised only around 50% of posters advise contact. I phoned the OW shortly after I found out on my D Day. Within 20m of arriving home and WELL BEFORE I spoke to my lying pos cheating H. If he could have an A without any incling from me the WHOLE time? He was a MASTER of deception, far too good at this for me to believe a letter of what fell out of his lying mouth. I didn't puzzle over it AT ALL. I WAS INTENT to get the whole sordid story. I am SO GLAD I DID! I wrote about 10 questions down and asked every single one. I took copious notes. Used them well over the next 6w or so. He conceded that EVERYTHING she said was true. I never let him read those notes but asked him the same questions. He gave me FAR more info because he thought I already knew! I kept my cool so well (totally fell apart straight after) while OW rambled about her devastation, apparently she was as devastated as me / us! Ridiculous. Still I had empathy for her. Didn't last long (and apparently As are her 'modus operandii'!) I found out she'd told the staff at my chns school, had approached and spoke with all of them. Plus ALOT more. OW wanted to meet for coffee?!? Um. Wtf? I never wanted to know what she looked like. She wanted to be friends - errggghhh. She asked me to call anytime. No. Basically I told her she'd been had, like I had. She was VERY VERY welcome to WH. For the next 3d she texted up to 13x per hour to both mine and WH phone. Mine reinforcing all sorts. WHs being all cutesy. Cutesy is not a good look for a 55yo woman! I responded once saying WH was staying. I had WH phone, asked him how to respond and did so. F*** off was the repeated response. He had ended it 1m prior to D Day. It was obvious later that it was her ploy to get him. I told him to go to her. He said he couldn't stand her etc. She tried to have WH charged with sexual assault! She had him sacked. Police got involved and put BOTH of them on a "Watch List". She was restrained from my chns school by police. What a palaver. So glad I got that part over and done with real fast! YES! Get an alternative email and ask away! Bolster yourself, do act as if nothing surprises you. Even if it does! Don't let WH become privvy to the info. THEN ask. Good luck! Lion Heart. Edited March 23, 2015 by Lion Heart 5
Lovebug66 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 First of all, I am very sorry you are going thru this I spoke with the OW in my situation. It's not for everyone. There are a few things you need to consider. How much do you know? Just what your WH has told you or have you done your own detective work? I really caution you if all you know is what he told you. It could (probably will) turn into a he said she said where you just end up more confused. You need to not let your anger with her cloud your perspective. It's always easier to blame her. It might make you feel better for a little while, but it doesn't do much for long term healing. How far out from dday are you? I would give it some time to let you emotions start to calm a little. What is your gut telling you about why she contacted you? I spoke with her thru email, which worked great for me. I took great care in not writing anything angry to her. I was honest and straight forward tho. She stuck to the "story" at first and I told her I know you two have had sex and its been going on a year, I wanted to talk to you to hear your perspective on things but I have already heard enough dishonesty from my H and I'm not interested in hearing any more. I shared with her about WH drug addiction, which was a huge part of their A. She opened up to me a lot. I sensed genuine remorse from her, she wasn't shifting blame all over or making excuses, and that made things easier too. Did she tell me 100% truth? Nope. But she did tell me a lot that was true and answered what didn't make sense from my WH. He fessed up to it later. Have I said my WH was pretty much a compulsive liar? That certainly factored into my decision to talk to her, not much to lose when you know the story you've been told is a steaming pile of horse manure. The other great thing about email is that you have time to compose yourself before you reply. I never fired off anything right back. I read it, called my BFF and read it to her and got angry and b!tched and got it all out, then wrote back in a better frame of mind. You do not need to friend her on FB. You don't need to talk to her if you are not ready. Just reply you are devastated and need more time before you talk to her. But if she doesn't want to relive it later when you are ready, you'll have to accept that. You don't have to listen to any bull or nastiness (veiled or not) and I'd suggest you stop contact immediately if it starts. You need to not get into that either tho. Big hugs to you. Things will get better. 2
HeartWon'tHeal Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 After all the suggestions have you decided what you are going to do?
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