Cheated On and I'm Hurting

[Hope Shimmers]

 

I agree with this. There is barely a mention of feeling bad, it's all about them and their feelings. That's why when OWs end up with the WH and he cheats on them, I honestly think they got what was coming.

 

I would like to offer a perspective on that, if I may. I can only speak for my own situation.

 

I do think there is focus on the pain that is felt after an A and it can be seen as selfish. I know BSs don't want to think it, or else they think the OW deserves it (maybe they do), but there is great pain on all sides.

 

When I came here I didn't focus on the BS hurt. In my situation ex-MM was separated and dating when I met him, but he went back to his wife a few years into our relationship. At the time he lied to both of us - he told her he was "all in" and he told me that he was trying to "keep the peace" with his kids and family but that he was really "all in" with me. I was dumb and believed him. Honestly, at that point I wanted to believe him but I should have known better. I should have known to walk away.

 

So when I came to LS I was a horrible mess, and it was all about MY pain. I'll admit it. It took me a really long time to see the entire situation for what it was - I think similar in a way to a BS being blown apart by the WS's affair and maybe say and do things they otherwise wouldn't, the OW can be blown apart too (not trying to compare anyone's pain) and it just takes time to put it all into perspective. Anyway, it was a long time before I could move away from my own situation and pain and understand that what I did hurt other people - not just me, but also his wife and family and my family. So, although I may not say it all the time and I do empathize with OW here who are in pain, because I've been there - I do regret very much the pain I caused. More than I can say.

[Satu]

No they never met the OW. *They said they didn't want to be involved. They also said "had they found out that I cheated on them they wouldn't have said anything to THEIR SON. I find that to be bull.

 

*They were involved from the first moment they knew about it, in fact, by saying nothing, they were accomplices.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. I like the way you are straight to the point. If I had money for a lawyer I would have started with the divorce. I am trying to go through a mediator but my H wont even speak of a Divorce until I go to counseling with him.

I think you are correct about him using me. I feel he is delaying this divorce so he can get more money in alimony (I just receive a promotion at my job) Thank you for opening my eyes.

 

You can file with or without his blessing if you want a divorce.

 

Why would YOU have to pay HIM alimony?

[I4givehim]

You can file with or without his blessing if you want a divorce.

 

Why would YOU have to pay HIM alimony?

I make more money then him. I just assumed I would have to pay him. I called a few lawyers and they want money for a consultation. So I am waiting to get the money up to go and speak to one.

[whichwayisup]

I make more money then him. I just assumed I would have to pay him. I called a few lawyers and they want money for a consultation. So I am waiting to get the money up to go and speak to one.

 

Do you two have children? Sorry I can't remember. If no kids, take him to court, show that he's having an affair and NO WAY are you going to pay him. He doesn't need your money, even if you make a bit more than him.

[I4givehim]

*They were involved from the first moment they knew about it, in fact, by saying nothing, they were accomplices.

I totally agree. My mother in-law was my best friend. Her and I did everything together.

Unfortunately my parents have passed away so I have no one to go to I feel all alone right about now. I could tell my brothers and sisters but I don't want them involved. They have their own problems. I don't need to bother them with mine.

[I4givehim]

Do you two have children? Sorry I can't remember. If no kids, take him to court, show that he's having an affair and NO WAY are you going to pay him. He doesn't need your money, even if you make a bit more than him.

I have 5 children ages ranging 24 down to 10.

[sandylee1]

I totally agree. My mother in-law was my best friend. Her and I did everything together.

Unfortunately my parents have passed away so I have no one to go to I feel all alone right about now. I could tell my brothers and sisters but I don't want them involved. They have their own problems. I don't need to bother them with mine.

 

Some best friend she turned out to be. Obviously sticking by her cheating son.

[mike_89]

No offence but the amount of butthurt replies by people that got cheated on themselves is quite massive here and the advice does not seem very accurate if you ask me.

 

@ OP, being somebody who has cheated on his partners multiple times I can give you these insights and this advice.

Could you handle this happening again? If you can, then you should stay with him and try to forgive him.

If you can not, then you should leave him. Why? Because he will in all likelihood do it again. Cheaters cheat and it is not a wrongful action of one time, it is a characteristic of one's personality and it will not go away. This is true of myself and of every person I know who has cheated on their partners. They (and I) always did it again.

 

Things to consider obviously are if it was a one-night stand or several one-night stands (which just imply a craving for sex) or a longer affair (which implies a longing for intimacy and a real connection). He did not do it with the intent to hurt or harm you, and he did not choose to hurt or harm you. He chose to have sex and intimacy with another woman, which led to you being hurt.

 

But the main thing to consider is this: it will most likely happen again, and if it should, would I be able to cope?

[Satu]

I totally agree. My mother in-law was my best friend. Her and I did everything together.

Unfortunately my parents have passed away so I have no one to go to I feel all alone right about now. I could tell my brothers and sisters but I don't want them involved. They have their own problems. I don't need to bother them with mine.

 

You can always talk to us folks. We don't always have answers, but we're here 24/7.

 

The lawyer consultation should be a priority. Do it as soon as you can.

 

Take care.

[No Limit]

No offence but the amount of butthurt replies by people that got cheated on themselves is quite massive here and the advice does not seem very accurate if you ask me.

 

Says the guy who's excusing his cheating by saying "I just have too much testosterone?"

 

Of course each person's opinion is influenced by their opinion, thoughts and feelings on the matter, but in the end these people have experienced it and know better because they've gone through it. Or they've been around long enough to see that when cheating happens it's always the same routine cheaters follow. But just downplaying other people's credibility without putting up reasons why gets us to dog chasing its tail.

[I4givehim]

No offence but the amount of butthurt replies by people that got cheated on themselves is quite massive here and the advice does not seem very accurate if you ask me.

 

@ OP, being somebody who has cheated on his partners multiple times I can give you these insights and this advice.

Could you handle this happening again? If you can, then you should stay with him and try to forgive him.

If you can not, then you should leave him. Why? Because he will in all likelihood do it again. Cheaters cheat and it is not a wrongful action of one time, it is a characteristic of one's personality and it will not go away. This is true of myself and of every person I know who has cheated on their partners. They (and I) always did it again.

 

Things to consider obviously are if it was a one-night stand or several one-night stands (which just imply a craving for sex) or a longer affair (which implies a longing for intimacy and a real connection). He did not do it with the intent to hurt or harm you, and he did not choose to hurt or harm you. He chose to have sex and intimacy with another woman, which led to you being hurt.

 

But the main thing to consider is this: it will most likely happen again, and if it should, would I be able to cope?

Thank you Mike.... Honesty, I like it....... NO I can not handle this again so my answer is DIVORCE!!!! Straight and to the point.

[beach]

Thank you. I like the way you are straight to the point. If I had money for a lawyer I would have started with the divorce. I am trying to go through a mediator but my H wont even speak of a Divorce until I go to counseling with him.

I think you are correct about him using me. I feel he is delaying this divorce so he can get more money in alimony (I just receive a promotion at my job) Thank you for opening my eyes.

 

The sooner you file and show you're legally separated - the more likely this works in your favor (especially before he retires)!

 

And he doesn't get ANY say in what you do or don't do - since he is the one who cheated and blamed it on you. He has no right to require you to go to counseling IF you don't want to. But IF you choose to - then the first question I would ask is "how can I manage to divorce a man who cheated and blamed me and doesn't show remorse?" Let's see any professional answer that one...

 

Honor YOURSELF - he will do what he does - it's time for you to look out for yourself and your future.

 

 

 

How many years have you been married?

 

 

Start keeping all your assets and money separated from him - now.

Edited March 22, 2015 by beach

[sandylee1]

Yes we are going to counseling. I want to say I tried everything. I refuse to take any responsibility for his CHEATING. Some people will say that is wrong of me but I can't believe me working so hard to keep a roof over our heads, keep the heat and electricity on and putting food on the table caused him to run to another women. I get angry every time I think of it.

 

I have to say his excuse alone, considering you were the breadwinner would be enough to make me file. It is in your best interest financially to D before he retires.

 

Now he wants counselling? He should have suggested that before he cheated. Don't let him stall, he can be a poor old man on his own. These are consequences of his actions. Remember this affair would still be going on if you weren't tipped off.

 

You had no choice in him cheating and now he shouldn't get a choice on whether you engage in MC. They suddenly remember the OW /affair really wasn't worth risking the marriage. Well sometimes that realisation comes too late.

[elaine567]

Consider this and look after yourself.

 

Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder | AFFAIRCARE

[aliveagain]

I4givehim, if the children are mainly in your custody he will be paying you child support. Do not be so eager to forgive, some of us are zero tolerance when it comes to infidelity. Watch his actions than decide but in the mean time get yourself a pit bull of a lawyer and protect yourself and your children. You need to know your rights before you decide. A post nuptial works well if reconciliation is your goal. You have nothing to be ashamed of he's the one who's character is untrustworthy and in the toilet. Time to separate your finances, hold him accountable for his share of expenses. Track what he spent on her and take that out of his side of any settlement if divorce ends up on the table.

 

Sorry but if his parents knew about affair and did nothing to stop it, weed them out of your life, allow them access to your children at their home but they don't deserve to be in your life. They actually new for a year and hid that from you, wow?

[writergal]

I say to him all the time "You will do it again." He says no he wont. My return comment to that is you also said "I DO." and as we know you went back on those words. I am so angry that he brought all this drama into our lives. All because he is selfishness. I hope this pain goes away soon. I feel like such a fool. I am keeping busy. Keeping my mind occupied with positive thoughts.

 

He's lying. To himself, and to you.

 

He will cheat again. He cheated because he could. Because he wanted to.

 

He is the only one to blame here. He created this situation by HIS actions.

 

Any action that he takes now to show you he's remorseful, is just him doing damage control. It's smoke and mirrors to sidetrack from taking action like filing for divorce. See? He is still making his remorse about himself, and not about you. He's not sorry that he hurt your feelings. He's sorry that he got caught.

 

Find a marriage counselor and start counseling for yourself. If your wayward husband wants to join in, prepare yourself. He may lie to the therapist, to paint himself as the victim of his circumstances (being married, being an only child, having a bald spot, a hole in his sock...you get the picture). He'll do whatever he can for damage control, because he wants his good reputation intact, which an affair literally destroys.

[purplesorrow]

No offence but the amount of butthurt replies by people that got cheated on themselves is quite massive here and the advice does not seem very accurate if you ask me.

 

@ OP, being somebody who has cheated on his partners multiple times I can give you these insights and this advice.

Could you handle this happening again? If you can, then you should stay with him and try to forgive him.

If you can not, then you should leave him. Why? Because he will in all likelihood do it again. Cheaters cheat and it is not a wrongful action of one time, it is a characteristic of one's personality and it will not go away. This is true of myself and of every person I know who has cheated on their partners. They (and I) always did it again.

 

Things to consider obviously are if it was a one-night stand or several one-night stands (which just imply a craving for sex) or a longer affair (which implies a longing for intimacy and a real connection). He did not do it with the intent to hurt or harm you, and he did not choose to hurt or harm you. He chose to have sex and intimacy with another woman, which led to you being hurt.

 

But the main thing to consider is this: it will most likely happen again, and if it should, would I be able to cope?

 

Please don't limit others ability to change and experiences to your own. Everyone who cheats doesn't always cheat again. Your butthead response to the 'butthurt' responses is insulting to those who have been in your shoes and changed as well as those who witnessed the changes. I do hope you have shared this with the person you cheated on.

OP, this is all so fresh and is going to hurt for a long time. You are going to go through every emotion. Your thoughts and feelings can change by the hour. Take a deep breath. Focus on you and your children. You don't have to make any decisions right now. I hope you find your peace.

[Artie Lang]

if i may ask, how did you find out? is this OW married? if so, has her spouse been informed?

 

you need to protect yourself at this point.

[Mal78]

. You are NOT at fault here. He is the lying cheater, not you. He might throw in a slew of reasons "why" he has done what he did but NONE of them are valid.

 

In a normal HEALTHY relationship spouses talk to each other and work through problems *together* they don't create more problems by cheating. Remember that!

[sandylee1]

if i may ask, how did you find out? is this OW married? if so, has her spouse been informed?

 

you need to protect yourself at this point.

 

The OP received an anonymous letter in the mail. Don't know if the OW is married.

[Artie Lang]

^got it... thanks.

[elaine567]

No offence but the amount of butthurt replies by people that got cheated on themselves is quite massive here and the advice does not seem very accurate if you ask me.

 

@ OP, being somebody who has cheated on his partners multiple times I can give you these insights and this advice.

Could you handle this happening again? If you can, then you should stay with him and try to forgive him.

If you can not, then you should leave him. Why? Because he will in all likelihood do it again. Cheaters cheat and it is not a wrongful action of one time, it is a characteristic of one's personality and it will not go away. This is true of myself and of every person I know who has cheated on their partners. They (and I) always did it again.

 

Things to consider obviously are if it was a one-night stand or several one-night stands (which just imply a craving for sex) or a longer affair (which implies a longing for intimacy and a real connection). He did not do it with the intent to hurt or harm you, and he did not choose to hurt or harm you. He chose to have sex and intimacy with another woman, which led to you being hurt.

 

But the main thing to consider is this: it will most likely happen again, and if it should, would I be able to cope?

 

mike_89

I have a feeling your contribution to this thread is perhaps more apt than some here will give you credit for.

I guess that what you are saying is that once that line is crossed to cheat, then it is easier to go there again and again.

However once the decision is made to reconcile a marriage, does that give the cheater a free pass to continue cheating, as they then know their marriage is safe and the BS is unlikely to leave?

I am not saying they will continue with the AP, but once the furore around d-day dies down, is cheating then likely to be resumed in many cases perhaps with a different AP?

I have often wondered about this.

[mike_89]

mike_89

I have a feeling your contribution to this thread is perhaps more apt than some here will give you credit for.

I guess that what you are saying is that once that line is crossed to cheat, then it is easier to go there again and again.

However once the decision is made to reconcile a marriage, does that give the cheater a free pass to continue cheating, as they then know their marriage is safe and the BS is unlikely to leave?

I am not saying they will continue with the AP, but once the furore around d-day dies down, is cheating then likely to be resumed in many cases perhaps with a different AP?

I have often wondered about this.

Well I think some people just get too overwhelmed to see or think clearly when this particular subject is considered, I can't really blame them.

 

This is rather off topic so I4givehim I hope you can forgive me for elaborating here in your thread. So far I have indeed seen that once someone has cheated it becomes easier to cheat again and it happens more often, until they are caught. If a cheater would cheat again on the same person after being caught and reconciling is a very good question.

I have way too little experience to give a decent insight in this, the only person I know that is still with a partner that was cheated on is me and a single example is not exactly representative. All other people I personally know that cheated/got cheated on broke up, but literally all of the cheaters cheated again in their next relationships so they definitely didn't learn from their mistakes (most of them got better in hiding it though; this leads me to think that a cheater once caught actually sees the getting caught part as the mistake, not the cheating itself).

Are there other people here with experiences in this matter? I am curious too.

[fellini]

I brought out the affair my WW was having with a SINGLE UNATTACHED co-worker. She did not confess, and if I hadn't sat her down to inquire about something I found on her IPad, she would have gone out to dinner with him one hour later. And for sure, sneaked off to his little love nest all the while leaving me to think she was out for dinner and drinks etc. with colleagues.

 

Then she would have continued having sex with her AP two - three times a week while I took our lovely daughter to ballet classes and attended football matches on Sundays. This would have gone on for as long as she and he were prepared to do it.

 

On DDAY. She ended it. She called him to tell him it was over. She wrote a NC letter and had it placed in his work mailbox. She went 100% NC, she never once spoke with him again. And she hasn't 2 years later.

 

So I disagree with your prognosis for ALL WAYWARDS. I think your experience and min differ, and that neither you nor I can make sweeping generalisation based on ONE infidelity in our marriages.

 

It wasn't so hard for her to do this. She did it, because it had to be done and she knew if I were to ever find out that she even approached him, her marriage would be officially over and the world would become wise to her stupidity. That has been sufficient motivation for her to disconnect, rebuild, and reorient her priorities, her values, and her inner issues.

 

I would never presume to say what your WS is capable of or not, that is for you to figure out in the day to day life you have with him post infidelity.

 

 

I'm a firm believer that if you have to catch yourmspouse in an affair, then you are better off divorcing them. Probably not what you want to hear, but allow me to elaborate. One of the things I have noticed a lot of cheaters do after d day is still contact their AP. If he tells you that he has stopped talking to her, then he is full of crap. This is more than likely going to go on for weeks, maybe months. I have seen it too many times on this site. The biggest reason why I think you should leave him is because he blames you for his cheating. Did he bring these issues up to you before his affair? IMO, it sounds like your husband wanted some strange and it's easier to blame you then blame himself. Most cheaters do not want to see themselves as the bad guy. Lastly, I think you got the question you asked in your other thread answered by some of the responses you got. The fact is, most (not all) OW/OM don't care about the BS. In fact, I mentioned this in another thread, most OW/OM that come here don't even mention that they feel bad about what they did to the BS.