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Girlfriend wasn't there when I was very sick, should I expect her to be?


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Posted (edited)

Good morning everyone, I'll get right to it. I'm 32 and my partner is 33, going out for a year and a half, still living separately.

 

The main question here is: Is there an obligation for partner A to be there for partner B when partner B thinks there's a possibility that his/her illness will escalate, eventually needing medical services during after hours (emergency room)?

 

Here's what happened. A few days ago, I got food poisoning. Around 9pm, I started getting the urge to vomit, which eventually happened, about 5 times. I called my gf to come over (15 mins drive), as I don't know if I'll get worse, eventually needing to go to the ER. I also had a huge headache, but that's allergies.

 

I can tell right away that she was hesitant: "You'll be fine". "I'm looking on the internet to see if this is serious." Turns out she never came over.

 

The next day, I felt better, and everything started to sink in. I was very hurt disappointed that she wasn't there for me when I could have potentially could have gotten worse, needing to go to the ER. I don't expect her to be there when I have just a cold and such.

 

So the evening after my incident, we had a long argument over the phone. Here's some of her new reasons for not coming:

 

"If I thought you were seriously ill and needed me, I would have been by your side, but I didn't think that was the case, which obviously it wasn't. (She's the type of person to wait till she's dying to get medical help, while I like to get things checked out early and take precautions).

 

"I am not a strong person when it comes to vomiting and blood and open woulds and stuff. These things I'm very squeamish about and I don't want to be around them."

 

"Lately I've been very tired and stressed" (with work, her blog, and preparing for triathlon. I do admit, she always has something going on).

 

"If it was two hours earlier, I would have gone." (The next day was a work day, and she gets up at 5am every day).

 

"This is you being needy. I can't stand needy. You were acting like a big baby".

 

She also gave a hint that this appeared to be an unreasonable request.

 

If things were turned, I would have been there for her, no questions asked, if she told me she could get worse and need a ride to the ER.

 

Now that we had time to think things through, I think we're going to calmly talk sometime this weekend some more. I guess the question at the very top still stands. Thoughts?

 

Thanks in Advance.

Edited by free_radicals
Posted

I agree with her in a way. How do you know it was food poisoning and not the stomach flu? And why would you need to go to the ER for puking? Sounds as if it was a 24 hour bug. Why would you want to subject her to getting sick?? If you were puking for 24 hours straight along with a high fever and other symptoms maybe an ER visit would be warranted but not for puking 5 times. I don't mean to minimize your illness because I realize puking is awful but I do think you were being a baby and overreacting especially since you said you go to check things out early typically.

  • Author
Posted
I agree with her in a way. How do you know it was food poisoning and not the stomach flu? And why would you need to go to the ER for puking? Sounds as if it was a 24 hour bug. Why would you want to subject her to getting sick?? If you were puking for 24 hours straight along with a high fever and other symptoms maybe an ER visit would be warranted but not for puking 5 times. I don't mean to minimize your illness because I realize puking is awful but I do think you were being a baby and overreacting especially since you said you go to check things out early typically.

I know because I had eaten chickpea salad that I left out for 3.5 hours that same morning. I never have vomiting problems. If I'm vomiting, either I'm drunk, or something unusual is happening. She couldn't get sick from me in this way. But I guess my main view is this: Will I get worse or better? maybe on either. But would I rather be safe than sorry with my health? Yes, I would, especially with a health problem I hardly experience.

Posted (edited)

I guess she should have been there for you but some people run from illness.. myself included. I think when she said she doesn't do well with vomit or blood she was telling you the real reason she didn't come over. The rest were excuses. Some people can't tolerate these things. Better for you to know now then later I guess. The question is can you get past it? Is this the first thing she's done that made you feel she wasn't there for you?

Edited by SunnySide0418
  • Like 1
Posted

If you are thinking long term and want someone to be responsible, loving and caring towards you, then I guess she is not the girl you need.

Lots of "me, me, me" in the excuses too.

Basically

SHE didn't consider you ill enough,

SHE doesn't like being around illness,

SHE was tired and stressed,

SHE had to get up early the next day, and

SHE can't stand needy people

  • Like 7
Posted

Personally speaking, when I am sick like that ... puking violently, etc. I DON'T want my boyfriend around and I certainly would not *expect* him to make a special trip over to "take care of me" or take me to the ER, if necessary.

 

Even if he wanted to, which he did before we moved in together, I always said "NO, don't come over, I don't need you to come over, I would not want you getting this in case it's a virus."

 

If something more serious DID happen, I would call 911, who could no doubt get me to the ER way faster than he could anyway!

 

But then again I am an independent person and NOT an overly needy person.

 

I am agreeing with your girlfriend here, your attitude does indicate a certain neediness, which if you don't attempt to squelch, is gonna eventually turn her off, if it hasn't already.

 

Dude, if it escalated, you call 911.... that's their job!

  • Like 5
Posted

 

Dude, if it escalated, you call 911.... that's their job!

 

He may not have been able to, and that I guess is the main worry of anyone who is alone and very sick.

Most do not need someone to wipe their backside or manage their vomit, they only need someone to be there to assess the situation and say, "Wow you are seriously not well, you need a Dr/go to ER now" or "you are confused/unconscious we need to go to hospital NOW."

And yes that is unlikely but being alone and sick, can make someone a bit needy too, and if a person cannot show neediness to their partner when they are sick and do NEED them, then perhaps they just NEED to change partners.

Posted

I think this shows a lack of commitment on her part, OP. doesn't matter her excuses. she should be there if you ask her to.

  • Like 5
Posted (edited)
He may not have been able to, and that I guess is the main worry of anyone who is alone and very sick.

Most do not need someone to wipe their backside or manage their vomit, they only need someone to be there to assess the situation and say, "Wow you are seriously not well, you need a Dr/go to ER now" or "you are confused/unconscious we need to go to hospital NOW."

And yes that is unlikely but being alone and sick, can make someone a bit needy too, and if a person cannot show neediness to their partner when they are sick and do NEED them, then perhaps they just NEED to change partners.

 

Why wouldn't someone be able to call 911? What you do is NOT wait until it gets to the point where you can't move .... if you are not getting better and feel you're getting worse, then you call 911 while you "are" still able to. Are we adults here or children?

 

I do agree with you about one thing though. If someone (in this case him) "needs" their SO to be there wiping their ass (sorry for the crudeness), or to manage their vomit..then yes they should break up and find someone else.

 

A nurse, or other type of healthcare worker would no doubt be the ideal partner for someone who needs that type of care and attention.....IMO.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 2
Posted

free_radicals,

let's get this right.

 

You have a gf who gets up at 5.00.am to go to work the next day and you ring her at 9.00pm (probably as she's getting ready for bed) because you've puked 5 times?!

 

If you had contracted food poisoning, then you'd have had severe cramping pains in the abdomen accompanied by diarrhoea and a fever.

It sounds to me that you ate something that disagreed with you. Maybe it was the chickpeas, maybe it wasn't. :rolleyes:

 

Your girlfriend was correct, you were making a mountain out of a molehill.

  • Like 9
Posted
I think this shows a lack of commitment on her part, OP. doesn't matter her excuses. she should be there if you ask her to.

 

And if she chooses not to be, he should stop whining about it, and just end it if he needs that type of "commitment."

 

The way I interpret this, it's not so much that he needed her there that is bugging his girlfriend, it's his incessant need to whine and argue about it that is bugging her!

 

OP, let it go. Either accept that she is not comfortable in that role yet, and if you can't, break up with her and find someone who is.

  • Like 1
Posted

This is tough. I hate to minimize how the OP is feeling, but if I were in his shoes I would never have asked my girlfriend to bring me to the ER. I'd probably call her and let her know that I was sick, but I'd handle it myself, especially if I knew what the problem was because I brought it on myself. I'd be too embarrassed to depend on her like the OP wants to. She's not his mother or nurse, and he wasn't in a life threatening situation.

 

I wonder if there have been other incidents like this in their relationship and the OP's girlfriend recognizes that the OP tends to make situations like this bigger than they need to be. I mean, if he's worried about his health why is he eating something that had been sitting out for 3.5 hrs? Did it have egg in it? Why did it make him so sick to begin with? Food poisoning sucks, but it's not typically something one goes to the ER for when they are an otherwise healthy adult.

  • Like 7
Posted

common courtesy suggest she should have come over or made a gesture to show concern. She doesn't get brownie points for her self serving reasonings. Chalk this up as a red flag. Hope you are feeling better and can find a mate more comfortable in going thru the in sickness and in health promise.

  • Like 1
Posted
Food poisoning sucks, but it's not typically something one goes to the ER for when they are an otherwise healthy adult.

 

Exactly. Especially if you think you've brought it on yourself, you puke until it's out of your system. Very rarely, you'll end up dehydrated and needing IV fluids, but you'd know it soon enough to get help.

 

It's a self limiting illness, much like a hangover. Get poisoned enough times, and you realize this too shall pass.

  • Like 3
Posted

Food poisoning is horrible but when you know what it is (as you did) then all you can do is keep hydrated and wait for your body to eradicate it.

 

 

There wouldn't have been anything she could have done and to be honest a chick pea salad left out for 3.5 hours isn't likely to kill you.

 

 

If I were you I would be laughing at myself for worrying and also feeling glad I didn't screw up the following day for my partner by keeping them up when they had to be up for work at 5am.

 

 

Just learn from it and make sure to keep things refrigerated or do not eat them when they have been left out if the advice is to refrigerate.

  • Like 3
Posted

Not everyone can be around sick people -- and those are people you shouldn't marry if you intend to keep them through childbirth or old age because they'll be useless. I had a bf who had a mental block and deep hurt associated with being sick because his mother more or less punished him for being sick and offered up no sympathy like most mothers do. So one time I got sick before we were actually bf/gf and just working together and I noticed he just turned cold on me. He later did explain. But see, he wasn't going to be any good "in sickness and in health," was he, unless he did some therapy or something to get over it. But it was just a singlular hangup. It wasn't reflective of his entire personality. He was overall a good person. Decades later I heard his wife had breast cancer and wondered if he'd ever become capable of handling something like that. I kind of think he did. Maybe once he had verbalized to me where his coldness came from, he began working on it. Who knows.

Posted

 

A nurse, or other type of healthcare worker would no doubt be the ideal partner for someone who needs that type of care and attention.....IMO.

 

No no no! Don't do that to us! I will happily bring my husband fluids if he's vomiting, but if he turns as demanding and whiney as my patients, I might just go out shopping or something!

  • Like 4
Posted
No no no! Don't do that to us! I will happily bring my husband fluids if he's vomiting, but if he turns as demanding and whiney as my patients, I might just go out shopping or something!

 

Lol ....no worries Midwest.... that comment was made mostly in jest. :bunny::)

  • Like 3
Posted
Not everyone can be around sick people -- and those are people you shouldn't marry if you intend to keep them through childbirth or old age because they'll be useless. I had a bf who had a mental block and deep hurt associated with being sick because his mother more or less punished him for being sick and offered up no sympathy like most mothers do. So one time I got sick before we were actually bf/gf and just working together and I noticed he just turned cold on me. He later did explain. But see, he wasn't going to be any good "in sickness and in health," was he, unless he did some therapy or something to get over it. But it was just a singlular hangup. It wasn't reflective of his entire personality. He was overall a good person. Decades later I heard his wife had breast cancer and wondered if he'd ever become capable of handling something like that. I kind of think he did. Maybe once he had verbalized to me where his coldness came from, he began working on it. Who knows.

 

That's so interesting preraph ....my mom was pretty much the same way towards me when I was sick... my mom did the best she could, she just had too many kids, and I am the middle child who often times gets the least amount of attention.

 

Which no doubt explains why I don't want or need anyone around when I am sick ...I tended to myself growing up and that stuck.

 

Ironically though, I DO like to take care of others and when my boyfriend or any friend or family member is sick, I will bend over backwards to help ... whether they ask for help or not.

 

I just don't need that for myself....

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Is this the first thing she's done that made you feel she wasn't there for you?

 

No, she has been. However, this is one of the most important things she can do for me (be there when I perceive to be very sick, which has only been like 2 times that I have asked in a year and a half). This is why I took it so offensively.

 

Personally speaking, when I am sick like that ... puking violently, etc. I DON'T want my boyfriend around and I certainly would not *expect* him to make a special trip over to "take care of me" or take me to the ER, if necessary.

 

This is something she brought up as well. She doesn't expect me to be there when she's ill. However, here's my issue with that way of thinking. We are two different people with different takes on things. Just because she doesn't expect me to be there doesn't mean I don't expect her to be here for me. Obviously this is way more important to me than to her. I don't see why I'm expected to behave in the same manner that she does. This could go with anything really that two partners differ on.

 

 

If something more serious DID happen, I would call 911, who could no doubt get me to the ER way faster than he could anyway!

 

I'm between jobs and I have no health insurance (in the process of signing up right now). How much would a trip to the ER cost. Just the trip, mind you. $400 or more for sure. Plus ER costs. I doubt it would be faster though because essentially when the person is there, there is no need to wait for any ambulance to arrive. I hope she would have understood this.

 

But then again I am an independent person and NOT an overly needy person.

 

I am agreeing with your girlfriend here, your attitude does indicate a certain neediness, which if you don't attempt to squelch, is gonna eventually turn her off, if it hasn't already.

 

The neediness came up as well as we argued. But what is perceived as needy? If me asking just twice in the past year and a half to come, then something is off here. I only asked because it was after hours. During the day, I have no issue going to the doctor on my own. I'm actually a very independent person as she is. But there will be times when one needs something from the other, right? I think this comes with the territory of being in a relationship.

 

I'd probably call her and let her know that I was sick, but I'd handle it myself, especially if I knew what the problem was because I brought it on myself. I'd be too embarrassed to depend on her like the OP wants to. She's not his mother or nurse, and he wasn't in a life threatening situation.

 

I wonder if there have been other incidents like this in their relationship and the OP's girlfriend recognizes that the OP tends to make situations like this bigger than they need to be. I mean, if he's worried about his health why is he eating something that had been sitting out for 3.5 hrs? Did it have egg in it? Why did it make him so sick to begin with? Food poisoning sucks, but it's not typically something one goes to the ER for when they are an otherwise healthy adult.

 

Although these are legitimate questions, these questions are not to be asked during the incident. At that moment, it's all about getting the help needed regardless of who, what , and why.

 

About other incidents that she perceives that I make bigger than they need to be. yes there have been occasions. But this has gone both ways. But this problem in general is rare. But I think I'm understand more so in this respect, at least I think. When she appears to make things bigger than I think they should be, I know this is HER view, and I don't think I have a right to say that this is not a big deal because she is her own person with her own thoughts and feelings. But when I have the issue, she assumes that because she feels a certain way about the situation, I should too. This really bothers me.

 

She's not his mother or nurse, and he wasn't in a life threatening situation.

 

Even if not mother or nurse, shouldn't be there be some sort of expectation that partners will be there for each other? If she's an acquaintance, I'd understand. But realizing that our relationship could turn into something more serious later, I question whether I want to go that route if GF won't be there when I perceive that I have an important need.

 

Here's something that I should've mentioned before though. She actually *really* things she messed up and should've been there. I don't know how much I buy into this, but we'll talk it out later.

Posted

What exactly did you want her there for, OP? To take you to the ER, to hang around while you vomited, or something else? Sure, it would have been nice maybe to have her there if that's what you needed at the time, but what could she have actually done that you couldn't do for yourself? From her perspective she couldn't do anything to make you better, so what's the point of keeping her up all night?

  • Like 3
Posted

It's a matter of compatibility.

 

 

You expect a SO to behave a certain way in the face of illness / injury. She has a different view. Neither is right or wrong but they don't go together.

 

 

When someone is ill I am right there. If I was as ill as the OP I would want my partner there & if the person I was with couldn't do that for me, I would get a new partner.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
Exactly. Especially if you think you've brought it on yourself, you puke until it's out of your system. Very rarely, you'll end up dehydrated and needing IV fluids, but you'd know it soon enough to get help.

 

It's a self limiting illness, much like a hangover. Get poisoned enough times, and you realize this too shall pass.

 

I never had food poisoning before, so really I didn't know what to expect. When you're sick, you really don't want to be looking things up. The internet should not be used as a self-diagnosis tool IMO.

 

OP, is your GF THIS girl?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/405316-dating-someone-recently-divorced-taking-things-slow

 

I couldn't help but notice I was the first to answer you there, and I stand by that advice. All of her other symptoms, lack of motivation, depression, unhappiness at job? Yea, she didn't take enough time to herself.

 

Yes. Yesterday, she did question whether she should be in a relationship, given that she can't handle "neediness".

  • Author
Posted
What exactly did you want her there for, OP? To take you to the ER, to hang around while you vomited, or something else? Sure, it would have been nice maybe to have her there if that's what you needed at the time, but what could she have actually done that you couldn't do for yourself? From her perspective she couldn't do anything to make you better, so what's the point of keeping her up all night?

 

The main reason was to take me to ER if needed. Secondary things is just showing support and that she actually cares enough to be there. She didn't have to stay up as long as I was up. I asked her to stay over. Your post goes along with her "it's not necessary for me to be there" line. But should this really be about her thinking it's not necessary, or should it be about my perception, given that I'm the one sick here?

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