free_radicals Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) Hello everyone! I'm very new here, but I'll get right to it: About a month and a half ago, I started communicating with someone on OKcupid (I'm 30, she's 31). We messaged each other for about two weeks until we met in person and text each other almost every day. So far we went out about 5 times, though on date #4, upon asking her what her intentions were and why she was on a dating site, I found out she was divorced about 6 months ago coming out from a 10 year relationship and wanted to see "what was out there" and not sure if she wanted a relationship. That means things will have to progress very slow, probably too slow for me. But we got a whole lot in common (we're both vegans, shop at the EXACT same locations of grocery stores since we live close, buy the same food, and we even bumped into each other at a store once), and just overall have the same values, I'm sticking around to see where things go. I can definitely understand her situation, but I think things are progressing to friends now (doesn't initiate hugs when we meet as she has been before, and things are starting to seem more casual rather than dates). She has dropped hints via text before that *in time* something might happen. She does think I'm funny and mentions that we "had a good time" and we've had conversations as long as 7 hours over drinks. As of yesterday, we are facebook friends (not sure if a good idea?). Hugs is as far as we have went yet. So I'm stuck as to what to do now, if anything, or just keep it rolling. But it's really bugging the hell out of me since I haven't brought up any "talk" about where we are or anything too physical, as I'm afraid it's way too soon given her situation. I'm thinking that given her situation, I might as well be friends, and see if something develops later. Any ideas? Edited July 1, 2013 by free_radicals
MidwestUSA Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 The best advice I was given after my divorce (married 17 years) was to take a MINIMUM of two years to rediscover who I was. It was great advice, and I went by it. She needs to do the same. If you think you can handle just being friends with her, do so, because that's the zone you are in right now. 1
Infinity0 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Are u attracted to her. Is she attracted to you? 5 dates not even a kiss? 6 months is enough to recover. People that get divorced they check out of the relationship emotionally WAY before the divorce. Don't be a wuss u guys need to be making out by now. I think lol If she was so damaged by the divorce that she hasn't gotten over it 6 months later then stop any contact with her. Or try not texting her for a week see what happens next time u meet
Author free_radicals Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Infinity, I really don't think 6 months is enough for a 10 year relationship. I'm leaning towards midwest's suggestion. Regardless, I know I am attracted to her and I think she is to me at least to some level. Like I said we contact each other almost every day one way or another. At the same time, I get attached way too easily so I'm trying to avoid being hurt.
Babolat Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I would not focus too much on the divorce. After 4 months of being seperated I was ready to date, not ready for the one though. Why? Because I was emotionally disconnecting towards the end of my marriage. Everyone is different in how they process and heal. An example is I was in a 12 month relationship that I ended 3+ months ago. I swore I would need 12 months to be ready again. Well, I am starting to feel ready now. I am going slow though. Communicate with her. You obviously want a dating relationship, it's unknown if she does. Just tell her what you are looking for and ask her if she is in the same place. If not, you will need to decide if friends is enough for you. 3
pteromom Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Nothing wrong with going slow, but I agree - you need to talk about where you are and what you want. 1
FitChick Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 My rule of thumb is to wait two years after the final decree is signed. Divorcees of both sexes have come from sexless, unhappy marriages and just want to play for a while. Find someone else who is available. Who knows, if you are still interested in two years, maybe she will be available and remember what a great guy you were. Now you are an emotional security blanket for her and will just remind her of the bad place she was in mentally at this time.
Phantom888 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Going slow is good, but I think you should sneak in a kiss to show her you are interested, and you want to be more than friends.
Author free_radicals Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 You guys are right, I don't like feeling this way. I going to have a talk with her soon to see where we are. I just don't know if I can handle being friends with her if that's all she wants. But I'm going to be honest and upfront with her. Thanks guys for the confidence boost.
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