sandylee1 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I know the guys are not going to like this, but I do believe to a large extent that there is nothing like a mother's love. I'm not saying fathers do not love their children, they just show it differently. Rather than saying I prioritise my children's desires over my H. I'd say I put their desires over mine, which is something my H would never do. Sometimes when I say things to him about, I can't do xyz because of dd, I know even in the same situation, he wouldn't make that sacrifice. That said the couple should not loose their own connection and value each other, because the kids leave the nest before you know it. I recently read on a forum a woman saying her husband left her for an OW and she admitted there sex life had been rubbish for years, but she figured she'd sort it out once the kids left home! I couldn't believe she was actually saying this. A classic case of not getting your priorities right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 what do you mean by kids' "so called" needs? Kids actually have real needs and it is up to their parents to see they are met! BOTH parents! It seems like you are seeing a husband as another person the woman is supposed to "take care" of, well maybe if you have a relationship one day yourself you will see! If adults both aren't ready to sacrifice for their kids they really shouldn't have any, and when couples do have kids it is up to BOTH the mom AND the dad to make time and save energy to keep their own relationship good as well! Why do you put this all on the mother??:confused: 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MrWindupBird Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Cracks in marriages are often excused by one spouse because they think they have the moral high ground of "doing things with the kids". The reality is everyone is important in a family, and neglect is neglect. Using kids as an excuse to foster distance and frigidity in a relationship isn't helping the kids. It's probably putting them on the fast track to being children of divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Cracks in marriages are often excused by one spouse because they think they have the moral high ground of "doing things with the kids". The reality is everyone is important in a family, and neglect is neglect. Using kids as an excuse to foster distance and frigidity in a relationship isn't helping the kids. It's probably putting them on the fast track to being children of divorce. This is where the spouse who feels like they being neglected needs to use their voice and let their husband or wife know their feelings. No one is a mind reader, and it's easy to get caught up in daily life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 This is where the spouse who feels like they being neglected needs to use their voice and let their husband or wife know their feelings. No one is a mind reader, and it's easy to get caught up in daily life. I fully agree with this. You have to communicate. What I find annoying, is a husband who comes home, expects the home to be tidy, meals prepared and then wants sex, from a wife who has also had to do drop/pick kids from activities and help with homework. If wifey has been crazy busy she'll not be in the mood because she's tired. A male friends once had a bit of a moan about this, till I asked what he did to help. All he could say was he worked very hard and long hours and that he did his share by working. He felt that he shouldn't have to do stuff at home because he his wife didn't work and that was her job. So wife does this all the time, he doesn't help on the weekend either because he says that's his time to relax. So when does your wife relax I asked him. He reckoned she was home all day and could relax when she wanted. No sense of realisation that you can't relax with a baby and a toddler. I told him straight that if he didn't change his attitude and give his wife time out, show appreciation and arrange a babysitter now and then so they could go out , he wouldn't be getting the sex he wanted. He listened to me and made a change, which prompted a change in his wife. Not that he helped with the chores, but by being appreciative, and using his initiative to arrange dates, she obviously got in the mood again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 This is where the spouse who feels like they being neglected needs to use their voice and let their husband or wife know their feelings. No one is a mind reader, and it's easy to get caught up in daily life. Oh trust me, I know quite a few spouses who HAVE used their voice, only to be met with maternal (or in much much much rarer cases paternal) self-righteousness. If you're marriage is dying because you're a mom, you're doing both things wrong. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 When my son came along, my XW lost her identity as a wife, and identified as a mom. I never lost my husband first view. This began the downfall of our M. Our therapist confirmed this, but my X refused to accept this. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 When my son came along, my XW lost her identity as a wife, and identified as a mom. I never lost my husband first view. By the bolded do you mean that you believe that a husband comes "first" before children or for that matter the wife? That does bother me though I do agree that a spouse needs to keep that identity and not just become a mommy or daddy or only identify with their profession or hobby for that matter!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 IMO kids' needs (not wants) should come first for 18 years. (That's why I never had any) After that they are adults and should be able to look after themselves reasonably well, if they've been brought up correctly. Parents shouldn't have to support their kids after they have completed tertiary education. If the kids "fail to launch" then something is wrong somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 IMO kids' needs (not wants) should come first for 18 years. (That's why I never had any) After that they are adults and should be able to look after themselves reasonably well, if they've been brought up correctly. Parents shouldn't have to support their kids after they have completed tertiary education. If the kids "fail to launch" then something is wrong somewhere. The Italians are a classic case... university education can continue well into a person's early middle-age, and during all that time they claim support from parents, who in turn receive a partial grant. It's relatively common for people to be living and dependent on their parents well into their 30's! no wonder Italy is a faltering Economy!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pastypop Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Put the marriage first or it will go down flames! I am living proof of that. No if's and's or but's about it. My marriage survived only because my husband finally realized that, instead of listening to all the well meaning advice his mother was whispering in his ear. Now, she barely knows her grand kids because of said advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 IF you're not happy with ANY relationship in your life AND it's worth something to YOU communicate with THAT person. As in all problem solving scenarios, bring potential and varied solutions to the table at the same time. Allow the OP time to prepare their solutions too. Basically get your heads together. Problem solve TOGETHER. No use just whingeing to any other person unless they have YOUR MARRIAGE AS A PRIORITY too ie MC b4 it gets out of hand. No OWs no OMs, no EAs. They are enemies to the M. Seems simple to me. Not to all. Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I think it's a balance. The kid's do need to come first some of the time but it can't be 100% of the time and you can't use that as an excuse . Being a devoted dad and someone who freely gave much of my life to our kids while being neglected and made a second class citizen for many years I can say that my involvement and help with the kids made little difference. My wife was selfish and self centered during most of the child raising years. I've talked about this issue a lot with my IC and it's wrong on every level for the wife to use the kids as an excuse. We were both dead tired from my career and family obligations yet I always found a way to make time and energy for her even with activities other than sex. But I never saw that then, I saw my sacrifises as just being a great dad and it's only now after her affair that I see how bad it was and what I put up with. But how can I be resentful and bitter about that when I know it was good for the kids? I can't really. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 The children in the marriage should come first. Alternatively, the spouse in the marriage should come first. The balance of these facts is that both the children AND the spouse are considered a priority FIRST, but at DIFFERENT TIMES during the course of the marriage. Sometimes, the childrens' needs and desires need to be considered a priority - and at other times, the spouse's needs and desires need to be considered a priority. However, life isn't perfect and it doesn't run as smoothly and by the numbers as we all would like it to. So...this is where COMPROMISE, COOPERATION and CONSIDERATION come into the picture. Sometimes during the marriage, there will be an imbalance; where the kids receive more attention and consideration than the spouse, because they NEED it. And sometimes during the marriage, the spouse will receive more attention and consideration than the children, because he or she NEEDS it. It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of maturity, sacrifice, respect (for the spouse as well as the children), acceptance and the 3 C's that I've stated above in bold to BALANCE the needs AND desires of BOTH their spouse and their children. It is wrong on EVERY level to deny your spouse the love, affection, respect, attention and the sex that they need, desire and expect from you. The marriage is what keeps the family TOGETHER and it is what keeps the children feeling secure, loved and happy. Some husbands and wives know how to maintain and keep this balance that I speak of....and, others do not - which is why and how resentment, disrespect and disharmony builds up over the years; until one or both spouses have reached the point of no return and either commits adultery or ends up drawing up divorce papers. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I was fortunate to grow up with the role model of parents that worked at their marriage. My SAHM made sure we wanted for very little but when my Dad came home from work we were banished from the kitchen for 30 minutes while he made them each a martini and they talked about their day. Woe be the child that intruded on that discussion. Old school but it worked, they were married 50 years... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Good parents (of both sexes) typically do prioritize their children's needs, because the onus IS on parents to do that. Your adult partner can fix him or herself a meal if they are hungry, drive to get groceries if there are none, and wash their own clothes if they are dirty. The average 4-year old can't exactly do that. Obviously, none of that says that children should become 100% of their world or that children should get everything they demand for, but that's an entirely different kettle of fish. Also, from observation, most happy couples with kids typically try and balance relationship time with child time, but the kid's needs still come first. A hungry child will be fed before they romance each other. Yes, that can potentially strain a relationship, and that is why raising children (well) is such a monumental undertaking, and why some couples choose to not have children. OP, this is not the first thread you've made about this, and I'm really curious why. You have never had a LTR, and have no children or desire to have them. How is this relevant to you in any way? How do you think couples satisfy each others' needs, even when children are not in the picture? Do you think your gf/wife should attend to your every 'need'? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Letting kids not the adults run the show doesn't sound like grand parenting to me. If I don't take care of me, then what good am I for anyone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 One thing we have to keep in mind here. Putting your spouse first doesn't mean you neglect your kids. It doesn't mean that instead of feeding them you run upstairs and have passionate sex (although there is always a trick to keep "young ones" entertained for a few minutes while you do it). You clothe and feed and put a roof over your kids' heads. Putting your spouse first doesn't mean you forget these things. It doesn't mean you shut off communication with your kids. It just means if you want to be a real family together you can't be a family unless the parents are together. Hence, this is why it is most important to put your spouse first. If you don't, your relationship can dissolve and then all of the sudden your children suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts