Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[elephantflower]

Ugh having moments of weakness. Today is 30 days which really doesn’t mean anything to me accept that I have been strong enough to not contact.

 

Right now I’m in that stage (not sure if this happens to other people) where I don’t feel as emotional so I start thinking “maybe we could be friends” “maybe we could have something casual”. I don’t know why I am doing this to myself.

 

Strongly wanting to accept his friend request on facebook which I know in turn means he will probably reach out to me…

[Throldur]

Ugh having moments of weakness. Today is 30 days which really doesn’t mean anything to me accept that I have been strong enough to not contact.

 

Right now I’m in that stage (not sure if this happens to other people) where I don’t feel as emotional so I start thinking “maybe we could be friends” “maybe we could have something casual”. I don’t know why I am doing this to myself.

 

Strongly wanting to accept his friend request on facebook which I know in turn means he will probably reach out to me…

 

You'll end up back at square one.

 

Judging by your review of the relationship. This isn't the guy for you. Be happy someone else will be stuck with the headache. Don't let him be yours any longer. You can block someones profile from facebook. So if you're tempted to accept his friend request, block his account, then he can't even view you, find you. No more requests. No messages in the OTHER box. Nothing.

[darkmoon]

maybe you could be friends, my concern is that you are vulnerable to him, or can you monitor how you feel and then hold back and even move on a bit? you are isolated at home atmo, thinking of him a lot, difficult

[elephantflower]

Ugh... so I ended up after 3 weeks accepting his friend request on facebook (in a drunk state). He contacted me the next day and we chatted (text)... the conversation was friendly and fine. I didn't feel bad...

 

Then the next day he started asking if I was going to such and such party. I am actually not going because he will be there (I didn't tell him that). He asked why I volunteered for the party and then am now not going. I was annoyed he was inquiring and then judging my decisions... I asked him why he was asking and he said he was "just wondering"

 

After a few days he texted me again and said he wanted to see me and be friends. We had a long conversation. I told him I'm still hurt. He basically said "you have told me before. we need to move on. its been 2 months." I said that wasnt an apology... he then actually gave a really empahetic and heartfelt apology and then said that the relationship memories he cherishes.

 

I didn't respond until today. I wrote him an email thanking him for the apology and saying I wasn't ready to see him.

 

I feel horrible again. I know this is my fault. I don't think I am the kind of person that can block someone... I feel too bad. It almost makes me feel worse.

[ravfour4]

Hey Elephant, I can understand some of your pain. You can read my thread 4 year relationship over for the details, but I often feel this same way, even when we've talked almost every single day (a terrible plan in retrospect) since our break-up 3 months ago (she lied about moving on to someone else, acted like she liked me when she was around me despite me telling her how much she hurt me and finally moved out 2 weeks ago after I found her a place).

 

One thing I've noticed lately though is that I'm starting to see her as just another woman, rather than "my amazing and perfect gf" that I made her out to be. I think that means my love is fading and I can finally be logical, I imagine that's what would need to happen to ever be friends with someone, but I still find myself nervous looking at my phone and super excited when I get a text from her...until I read it.

 

If he's anything like my ex, he may just be poking and proding to make sure you still like him for an ego boost. I in retrospect think my ex did this to me multiple times and that it's the main reason she reaches out to me now. It's nice that he apologized though, I wish my ex did that, but I'd go back to NC. If he really wanted you to hear that apology and get through to you, he'll reach out again with something even more obvious. If he's just trying to make sure you're still there, don't let him.

[joseb]

OK, so you made a mistake and unblocked him. Silly, but we are all human.

I read your original post and I couldn't be certain but it did sound like emotional abuse.

In any case, the relationship was obviously unhealthy and needed to end.

You need to be away from this guy. You can't be 'friends' so soon after splitting up (I'd suggest you shouldn't be friends full stop).

Your gut sounds like it's telling you this.

My guess is that now that you have shown some independance, he want's to control you again. Block him on FB. And don't feel bad about it.

It is the correct thing to do. You can't heal while still attached.

[SLee]

Hey, ElephantFlower. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

All I can do is offer you advice based on my experience, which is different from yours since I'm younger and still in college and what not. But my relationship lasted 3.5 years and we live together and were seriously considering long term commitments (marriage, buying a house at some point, etc.)

 

I read through your story. Again, I'm sorry you had to go through that. My break up is very recent, just a few weeks old so I feel your pain. Being confused by the ex's actions is the absolute worst. Seriously.

My ex, following the break up (We live together and can't move out) acted really bizarrely. We were on spring break visiting family separately, so I went No Contact, but broke. Then I committed to it, and he contacted me to "check in" and see how I was doing. Then after spring break, he insisted on "helping me through it" even though I never asked for his help or support because I knew the only way HE could help me was by reconciling. He was super flip floppy and weird. His feelings were all over the place. Only in the past few days, when I set boundaries and made it clear I was pulling away from him, did he do the same, which saddens me, but it's what needs to be done at this point.

 

My guess is that he's also in an emotional whirlwind. He's stringing you around and keeping you around to feel less bad about himself. That's what I guess based off my ex's actions. The only message from him that actually matters is a clear message to reconcile. Don't reach out from him. From what I read in your previous post, he sounds manipulative and not supportive. I understand the hurt and heartbreak.

 

I'm still at a point where I want me ex back. I'm not like "Scheming" or "plotting" anything, but it's still what'd I'd want. When I get really down in the dumps, I look back to a list I made of every messed up thing he did. How he didn't stand up for me at times, how he always had to "win" arguments, how he got really aggressive in arguments, how he manipulated me to change all my future goals to fit a future that HE wanted not that WE wanted, the list goes on.

 

I suggest that. It helps. Listen to family and friends, they're invaluable insight, but take all advice with a grain of salt.

 

Don't think about his feelings. It's all about YOU now. This is about making YOU feel better and letting YOU heal. Text a close friend or family, or post to a forum when you feel the urge to contact him. Don't contact him. Don't feed him. Nothing until you are completely okay. You acknowledge it's unhealthy. You're a really intelligent and kind person, I can tell that from your posts and the way you write. Remember that when you're down. Repeat that when you're in a bad place.

 

You probably know this, but what you're feeling is natural and completely normal. There's no shame. But don't feed him. Don't give in. By doing that, you're giving him all the power. Take that away from him. Remind yourself of the bad times. Remember the good times as good times, but don't cling to them or idolize them. You have to see the relationship for what it was.

 

Sorry I talked about me so much, just trying to help!

[Simon Phoenix]

Ugh... so I ended up after 3 weeks accepting his friend request on facebook (in a drunk state). He contacted me the next day and we chatted (text)... the conversation was friendly and fine. I didn't feel bad...

 

Then the next day he started asking if I was going to such and such party. I am actually not going because he will be there (I didn't tell him that). He asked why I volunteered for the party and then am now not going. I was annoyed he was inquiring and then judging my decisions... I asked him why he was asking and he said he was "just wondering"

 

After a few days he texted me again and said he wanted to see me and be friends. We had a long conversation. I told him I'm still hurt. He basically said "you have told me before. we need to move on. its been 2 months." I said that wasnt an apology... he then actually gave a really empahetic and heartfelt apology and then said that the relationship memories he cherishes.

 

I didn't respond until today. I wrote him an email thanking him for the apology and saying I wasn't ready to see him.

 

I feel horrible again. I know this is my fault. I don't think I am the kind of person that can block someone... I feel too bad. It almost makes me feel worse.

 

You're pretty much your own worst enemy at this point. You have to block him. Stop making up excuses to sabotage yourself. I mean, if you spent the time you rationalizing not blocking and obsessing about why you can't block actually trying to recover and move forward, you'd make progress in no time.

 

Stop sabotaging yourself. Recovery is hard enough without you making it more difficult by stubbornly refusing to block. You don't get points for degree of difficulty in recovery. Snap out of it and get your s--t together. You can do it.

[Fufu]

You don't miss him, you just missed those "moments" you had with him. So it is moments, not the person that you missed.

 

I hope you have blocked and deleted him in all your social medias. It may seemed really really hard initially, trust me, it gets better gradually. You just have to believe it.

 

Sometimes, dumpers may text their dumpees because they wanna be friends, and if dumpees accept, they will feel more relieved of the break up they had initiated. The truth is, dumpees, please never accept being friends with your ex as long as you still have any feelings for them. As simple as this, you won't be able to accept your ex dating someone new. So please don't torture yourself, go on no contact, move on, start your own new chapter in life.

[elephantflower]

First, thank you everyone for responding. I really appreciate it.

 

Secondly, what I am about to write I would appreciate not getting completely yelled at for... I realize that for a lot of people no contact works for them. It has never worked with me in my life -- I feel even a deeper sense of loss when I completely cut them out. It's almost as if I have to desensitize myself to the person... I understand that this is kind of torturing myself but I actually feel worse when I don't have any contact.

 

I contacted my ex today after our last text conversation I sent an email. He had said he wanted to get together, be friends and to let him know when I was ready to see him. I texted him and said that his apology meant a lot to me and helped me somewhat with closure. I said I could get together for tea. He wrote back and said that he thought we should wait because I still seemed a bit angry at him...

 

Its somewhat true... although I should have expected this from him. I feel like he always need to be in control... he said he was ready to meet when I am ready... then I text him and he says he wants to wait. It's almost comical at this point.

 

I'm not going to go NC but I'm not going to contact him first again. He will be away for a few weeks on vacation and I guess if he contacts me when he gets back we might be able to be friends or at least not completely keep each other out.

 

I realize this person doesn't really deserve my friendship but I feel more horrible about myself not letting him in at all. Does anyone else have this issue? Part of it is because I care about him as a person, part of it is because we share a huge amount of mutual friends and I know I will run into him at some point and am trying to avoid having it be awkward.

[Price2Play]

You don't miss him, you just missed those "moments" you had with him. So it is moments, not the person that you missed.

 

I hope you have blocked and deleted him in all your social medias. It may seemed really really hard initially, trust me, it gets better gradually. You just have to believe it.

Sometimes, dumpers may text their dumpees because they wanna be friends, and if dumpees accept, they will feel more relieved of the break up they had initiated. The truth is, dumpees, please never accept being friends with your ex as long as you still have any feelings for them. As simple as this, you won't be able to accept your ex dating someone new. So please don't torture yourself, go on no contact, move on, start your own new chapter in life.

 

Sounds like OP is set in her ways and wants to stay in contact. My ex is like this she's never heard of NC and doesn't understand it. We were friends for a couple months after splitting up, ocassional drinks with friends. Even tho I knew she wasn't right for me I still enjoyed hanging out with her but it still sucked & made recovery harder.

Thankfully she has moved away now. But even tho she has moved on and has a new bf she still contacts me! Smh

 

Like fufu says they just want relief & validation(aww don't forget me), she texted me Sat night after 20days-NC. I didn't respond and I feel really good about it. Eflower please find the power within to move on. Believe everyone here you are just delaying your recovery, just like I did.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Price2Play

[BC1980]

So you think this person doesn't deserve your friendship, yet you want to be "friends" so you don't feel guilty for denying him friendship. Even though you already feel irritated at the first sign of contact when he blows you off for a meetup. So you're basically willing to sacrifice your own judgement and feelings for the sake of his desire to be friends on his terms.

[BC1980]

I read your other thread, and this guy sounds like a nightmare. Why you would want friendship from him is beyond me. I'm not surprised that he blew off the meetup with you after he told you to decide when it would be. This dude is clearly emotionally abusive, so be glad you got out of that.

[elephantflower]

Thanks again for the responses – again, I really appreciate it.

 

I feel like such a loser right now. I’m 33 years old – if you met me in person I come across as friendly, kind, funny, etc. Inside though I feel like a mess – I feel like my self esteem is so low and I’m so disappointed in myself that I still feel the need to get validation from my ex. Luckily, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything supremely embarrassing…I have answered some of his texts (as I discussed above) and then reached out and agreed to meet and try to develop a friendship in which he told me he thought we should wait… I should have expected him to say that… only days earlier I had been saying I wasn’t ready for a friendship or ready to see him.

 

I just feel pathetic in a way that I can’t find the strength to ignore him. I don’t want to ignore him… I feel bad now but I feel WORSE when I don’t respond. It makes me feel like a bad person and I almost feel like responding is kind of part of my healing because I’m trying to get past my anger and I feel like by cutting someone completely out that you are staying angry. We didn’t talk for almost 6 weeks and that is when I reaccepted his friend request and we chatted (see above).

 

I’m not even sure what I want from this forum at this point – I am clearly not following the advice… I guess I feel depressed. I’m not reaching out to him or expecting to get back together. I simply don’t feel like I can block all forms of communication that makes me feel horrible whether he deserves it or not. I think I cannot hang out with him or keep conversations brief but this is someone I carried deeply about and loved for almost 2 years.

 

Another piece to this, which I’m not sure is appropriate for this forum is my depression – I have battled on and off with this for almost 15 years. I can a lot of times “hide it” from other people but it has deeply affected my ability to connect with others. Right now my depression is getting worse (I’m on medication and in therapy)… I want to meet new people and get out there… which I have quite a bit but for some reason I always think people don’t like me or don’t want to be my friend or won’t want to hang out with me. I’m not good with organizing people to get together. This sounds silly even as I type it because I know if you asked anyone I knew they would say I’m one of the nicest, kindest people they have ever met. I can “pretend” but like I said deep inside I’m really, really, really struggling right now.

 

This past week I contemplated ending my life. I went to WV to think about things… it didn’t really have to do with the breakup all together. It wasn’t almost a culmination of the sadness that has been in my life for a really long time and the disappointment I continue to experience again and again. And a disappointment in myself that even with medication, dong all the “tricks” of getting out of a funk, therapy – I still feel awful. I thought about hanging myself in the cabin I was staying at. I have had these thoughts a lot. Again, this isn’t just from the breakup… it’s feeling like I will never feel happiness just in general. The breakup of course spurred a lot of the depression.

 

I’ve only had 2 serious relationships in my life one from 18-28 (I was married for 3 years) and then this past relationship from 30-32 (2 year). I have dated A LOT but in terms of serious relationship just these two. My marriage also ended horribly and he cheated, there was verbal abuse, etc. This relationship was really, really wonderful in the beginning – I finally felt like things were falling into place – with friends, work, relationship… then it went horribly wrong. All of the friends I thought I had made during our relationship aren’t really reaching out to me… I still have friends of course but it’s a horrible feeling.

 

I don’t really know what to say. I’m just here for support. I’m so sad.

[Fufu]

Thanks again for the responses – again, I really appreciate it.

 

I feel like such a loser right now. I’m 33 years old – if you met me in person I come across as friendly, kind, funny, etc. Inside though I feel like a mess – I feel like my self esteem is so low and I’m so disappointed in myself that I still feel the need to get validation from my ex. Luckily, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything supremely embarrassing…I have answered some of his texts (as I discussed above) and then reached out and agreed to meet and try to develop a friendship in which he told me he thought we should wait… I should have expected him to say that… only days earlier I had been saying I wasn’t ready for a friendship or ready to see him.

 

I just feel pathetic in a way that I can’t find the strength to ignore him. I don’t want to ignore him… I feel bad now but I feel WORSE when I don’t respond. It makes me feel like a bad person and I almost feel like responding is kind of part of my healing because I’m trying to get past my anger and I feel like by cutting someone completely out that you are staying angry. We didn’t talk for almost 6 weeks and that is when I reaccepted his friend request and we chatted (see above).

 

I’m not even sure what I want from this forum at this point – I am clearly not following the advice… I guess I feel depressed. I’m not reaching out to him or expecting to get back together. I simply don’t feel like I can block all forms of communication that makes me feel horrible whether he deserves it or not. I think I cannot hang out with him or keep conversations brief but this is someone I carried deeply about and loved for almost 2 years.

 

Another piece to this, which I’m not sure is appropriate for this forum is my depression – I have battled on and off with this for almost 15 years. I can a lot of times “hide it” from other people but it has deeply affected my ability to connect with others. Right now my depression is getting worse (I’m on medication and in therapy)… I want to meet new people and get out there… which I have quite a bit but for some reason I always think people don’t like me or don’t want to be my friend or won’t want to hang out with me. I’m not good with organizing people to get together. This sounds silly even as I type it because I know if you asked anyone I knew they would say I’m one of the nicest, kindest people they have ever met. I can “pretend” but like I said deep inside I’m really, really, really struggling right now.

 

This past week I contemplated ending my life. I went to WV to think about things… it didn’t really have to do with the breakup all together. It wasn’t almost a culmination of the sadness that has been in my life for a really long time and the disappointment I continue to experience again and again. And a disappointment in myself that even with medication, dong all the “tricks” of getting out of a funk, therapy – I still feel awful. I thought about hanging myself in the cabin I was staying at. I have had these thoughts a lot. Again, this isn’t just from the breakup… it’s feeling like I will never feel happiness just in general. The breakup of course spurred a lot of the depression.

 

I’ve only had 2 serious relationships in my life one from 18-28 (I was married for 3 years) and then this past relationship from 30-32 (2 year). I have dated A LOT but in terms of serious relationship just these two. My marriage also ended horribly and he cheated, there was verbal abuse, etc. This relationship was really, really wonderful in the beginning – I finally felt like things were falling into place – with friends, work, relationship… then it went horribly wrong. All of the friends I thought I had made during our relationship aren’t really reaching out to me… I still have friends of course but it’s a horrible feeling.

 

I don’t really know what to say. I’m just here for support. I’m so sad.

 

 

Having low self-esteem at this period of time is understandable. You have your heart broken and you need time to heal and to regain confidence.

 

NC is all about discipline also. If you can do it successfully for a day, you can do it on a 2nd day and so on and so on..

 

And if anyone broke the NC, it's completely normal. No one succeed on the first try of NC, so many of us here broke NC for a couple of times. Once we broke NC, we also went through all sorts of roller coaster moods. We don't give up, we strive on, we restart NC.

 

It's all in the mind, and many times we are our own worst enemies. Not because of how others see us, but how we actually see ourselves.

 

Start telling yourself this.

"I can do it, I can move on!"

[seminoles84]

If you aren't willing to take our advice, I'm not sure what to tell you. Ultimately, NC is the only way to get over this. Maybe years down the road you can be friends.

[BC1980]

Cutting him out of your life is about healthy boundaries, not being a bad person or staying angry. It's realizing that you can't heal and grieve when in contact with the source of your pain. You actually need NC to even be able to process your anger. You sound like me after my breakup. So concerned about how you are going to look and about other people's feelings that you sacrifice your own well being.

 

NC isn't going to make you feel better right away. It's going to be uncomfortable for awhile because you will have to process the loss. By avoiding NC, you are refusing to face the grief associated with the loss. It's also going to be uncomfortable at first because you are putting up a boundary, which you aren't used to. You aren't used to having your best interests at heart, so it feels awkward the first time you do it.

[ruhrohcd]

 

Another piece to this, which I’m not sure is appropriate for this forum is my depression – I have battled on and off with this for almost 15 years. I can a lot of times “hide it” from other people but it has deeply affected my ability to connect with others. Right now my depression is getting worse (I’m on medication and in therapy)… I want to meet new people and get out there… which I have quite a bit but for some reason I always think people don’t like me or don’t want to be my friend or won’t want to hang out with me. I’m not good with organizing people to get together. This sounds silly even as I type it because I know if you asked anyone I knew they would say I’m one of the nicest, kindest people they have ever met. I can “pretend” but like I said deep inside I’m really, really, really struggling right now.

 

This past week I contemplated ending my life. I went to WV to think about things… it didn’t really have to do with the breakup all together. It wasn’t almost a culmination of the sadness that has been in my life for a really long time and the disappointment I continue to experience again and again. And a disappointment in myself that even with medication, dong all the “tricks” of getting out of a funk, therapy – I still feel awful. I thought about hanging myself in the cabin I was staying at. I have had these thoughts a lot. Again, this isn’t just from the breakup… it’s feeling like I will never feel happiness just in general. The breakup of course spurred a lot of the depression.

 

 

I completely get where you're coming from with regards to depression. My ex blamed my depression for her leaving me, and that after I've been working my ass off to get better. I feel toxic. Some people say that the illness doesn't make me toxic, that the ex simply couldn't handle my illness. I'm not sure that makes me feel any better.

 

I think we're in very much the same place. If you need to or would like to talk to someone with depression who identifies with what you're feeling, let me know.

[elephantflower]

I understand what everyone is saying. I’m using this forum not only for advice but just to talk through things although I realize that sometimes I’m repetitive… it is helpful for me so I don’t feel so alone and also to give my friends/family a break and also get a new perspective.

 

He did treat me extremely badly at the end of our relationship. Looking back there were signs but most of our relationship was really good. He says now that he wanted to break up but didn’t know how so he started to treat me badly. It still greatly affects me even though he has said he didn’t mean the things that he said. I really loved him and was blindsided by the entire breakup. I realize at this point none of it matters and I just need to move forward. I almost think of him as two different people in my head – before the breakdown and after the breakdown/right before the breakup.

 

I realize logically that his behavior was not okay even if he has his reasons. I’m not sure why in my mind and in my brain I can’t let it go like everyone else. Feeling like he might hate me (even though he didn’t treat me well) really, really bothers me. I don’t know why. I guess I feel rejected – I was a really, really great girlfriend – I’m not perfect of course but I genuine loved him, treated him well, did sweet things for him, was supportive, understanding, etc. I’m not a yeller and don’t put people down – I was even willing to try and work through things when he went crazy because I thought something was wrong with him and wanted to help him.

 

I don’t know what I need at this point. I feel sad all the time – like I said, not just about the breakup. Just a sadness is there. I have no interest in dating. I feel lonely even though I have friends. I miss having a partner.

[BC1980]

I realize logically that his behavior was not okay even if he has his reasons. I’m not sure why in my mind and in my brain I can’t let it go like everyone else. Feeling like he might hate me (even though he didn’t treat me well) really, really bothers me. I don’t know why. I guess I feel rejected – I was a really, really great girlfriend – I’m not perfect of course but I genuine loved him, treated him well, did sweet things for him, was supportive, understanding, etc. I’m not a yeller and don’t put people down – I was even willing to try and work through things when he went crazy because I thought something was wrong with him and wanted to help him.

 

I promise that it took me a long time for my brain to catch up with my heart. I only say what I say in a matter or fact way because it's been 2 years since my breakup. I've been NC for 16 months, so I can see things from a place of logic. But even after all that time, I still feel emotional at times about my ex, and he did some pretty bad things. I still think of the good times and get nostalgic. NC is really the only way to move on. Otherwise, you just stay stuck in this horrible place where you can't make sense of your emotions.

 

Of course, it bothers you that he might hate you. You're human, and that would bother any of us. I don't want to walk around knowing that another person hates me. It would be nice if everyone loved me, but that's not life. You have to ask yourself WHY he would hate you. So he might hate you because you want to cut contact after a breakup? I mean, if a person can't even cut contact after a breakup without hating the other person, that's some pretty messed up boundaries and a complete misunderstanding of the healing process. If my ex hates me for going NC, it's not my problem. I stand behind my decision to go NC, and I support myself in the decision. If anything, he needs to be worried if I hate him or not. And that's exactly why your ex wants to remain "friends." He knows he was an a** to you, so he needs to keep you on good terms to alleviate his guilt. He doesn't want to remain "friends" because he wants to invest in a mutually respectful relationship.

 

He's the one controlling the "friendship". He got you to call back and request a meetup, which is all he needs to make himself feel better. He doesn't need to actually meet up with you to know you are open to being on good terms. That was also pretty deft the way he rejected you by saying you sounded "too mad." He put the blame on you for why the meetup can't occur and minimized your anger in the process. The unspoken insinuation is that you should just get over your anger, and we can press the reset button. Maybe when you aren't mad anymore, he will give you the reward of the meetup. See how that works? He's playing you like a fiddle.

Edited April 20, 2015 by BC1980

[BC1980]

He did treat me extremely badly at the end of our relationship. Looking back there were signs but most of our relationship was really good. He says now that he wanted to break up but didn’t know how so he started to treat me badly. It still greatly affects me even though he has said he didn’t mean the things that he said. I really loved him and was blindsided by the entire breakup. I realize at this point none of it matters and I just need to move forward. I almost think of him as two different people in my head – before the breakdown and after the breakdown/right before the breakup.

 

He wanted to breakup with you, and, since he didn't know how, he decided it would be a good idea to treat you like sh*t. Is he 16? That's what someone does in high school. That's not what an adult does. He apparently hasn't matured very much emotionally in his time on earth. So he said that he didn't mean to say what he did? Well, then he shouldn't have said them. He needs to control his impulses a little better, and, if he does say something wrong, he needs to take responsibility for it and realize that there are consequences. He can't just say anything he likes, and then an apology makes it all better. It doesn't work like that.

 

So even though he was an a**, he did some nice things too? Even a complete a** can turn on the charm when necessary. People come as whole packages, not just parts. My ex used to take me on vacations all the time and paid for everything. You know what else he used to do? Put me down and insinuate that I wasn't good enough for him. At some point, it doesn't matter how nice the person is. If they are going to act like an awful, immature, POS, then they have to go. No more excuses.

[BC1980]

Needing to go No Contact isn?t about being a ?bad person?, immaturity, or punishment | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

I think this blog will help you. I had a very difficult time going NC, and this blog helped me tremendously.

[Fufu]

I understand what everyone is saying. I’m using this forum not only for advice but just to talk through things although I realize that sometimes I’m repetitive… it is helpful for me so I don’t feel so alone and also to give my friends/family a break and also get a new perspective.

 

He did treat me extremely badly at the end of our relationship. Looking back there were signs but most of our relationship was really good. He says now that he wanted to break up but didn’t know how so he started to treat me badly. It still greatly affects me even though he has said he didn’t mean the things that he said. I really loved him and was blindsided by the entire breakup. I realize at this point none of it matters and I just need to move forward. I almost think of him as two different people in my head – before the breakdown and after the breakdown/right before the breakup.

 

I realize logically that his behavior was not okay even if he has his reasons. I’m not sure why in my mind and in my brain I can’t let it go like everyone else. Feeling like he might hate me (even though he didn’t treat me well) really, really bothers me. I don’t know why. I guess I feel rejected – I was a really, really great girlfriend – I’m not perfect of course but I genuine loved him, treated him well, did sweet things for him, was supportive, understanding, etc. I’m not a yeller and don’t put people down – I was even willing to try and work through things when he went crazy because I thought something was wrong with him and wanted to help him.

 

I don’t know what I need at this point. I feel sad all the time – like I said, not just about the breakup. Just a sadness is there. I have no interest in dating. I feel lonely even though I have friends. I miss having a partner.

 

 

It's understandable feeling confused and lost now. Sometimes, relationship just doesn't work out despite all your love and effort. It's okay. You have done your best.

 

Get yourself back on track, regain their confidence again. Remember, we don't need a man to feel happy. We don't depend our own happiness on another individual. Some days, people will go...

[elephantflower]

Hi again,

BC1980 – thank you for reminding me that his behavior is not normal. I know it may seem odd to everyone on the outside but I still blame myself sometimes even though I know I was a good girlfriend – again, I’m not perfect but I certainly did not treat him badly. I think I am struggling with the fact that he has so little empathy – I understand (again, logically) that I will not be able to change this and will probably not every get a super, duper great apology.

 

I was completely NC for about 6 weeks. We talked for about 3 weeks after the breakup and saw each other twice. Then I was angry that I never really got an apology and cut off contact. I deleted him from facebook, etc. I ignored his texts. Then last week, I was feeling better and started to think I was at least ready to accept his friend request and that’s when we had the initial convo that was fine, just catching up. Then the next day he started probing about what parties I was going to, and why I would volunteer for a party then not go (because he was going to be there!)… all of that made me angry again and made way for the convo below…

 

He did “apologize” last week more sincerely than he has in the past however, there was probably still a lack of understanding on his part. During the text conversation, when he said he wanted to see me, I explained I was still angry, had nightmares over the things he had said – I said I was having a really difficult time dealing with the way he treated me and it was still extremely hard because I didn’t want to believe he was that kind of person. He went into saying “I guess I just wanted a way out.” My reply was “You realize that is not an apology, right?” And he said “I wasn’t trying to apologize.” Then he said “I regret the things I said and I’m sorry I hurt. I didn’t have the balls to just break it off.” I said “It’s still really difficult but I’m trying to work through it.” He said “I’m done talking about this. We need to move on. It’s been two months.” At first I kind of coward – that response made me feel really bad, like I was bothering him even though he had said he wanted to see me and had started to apologize. I said “Sorry for bothering you. I shouldn’t have talked to you or texted you. Have a good weekend.” He responded “You too.” Then about 10 minutes later I was still angry and texted back “You shouldn’t judge other people’s grieving. I’m glad you got over the relationship so quickly but not everyone is the same. I wish I could just forget this entire thing.” He responded and said “It’s okay that you texted. I’m not upset. I cherished our relationship and I hope we can be friends. Let me know when you are ready.”

 

I didn’t respond to the last text but then the next day I felt bad (this is part of my issue). I felt like I hadn’t acknowledged his apology and felt bad. So I wrote him an email saying that I appreciated his apology and acknowledging he had hurt me and that the relationship had meant something to him…. That was really hurtful when he told me when we were breaking up that he was “just going through the motions and he had doubts all along.” I said in the email that I wasn’t ready to see him and was struggling with the fact that those thoughts and words were in his mind whether he “meant” them or not.

 

He didn’t respond to my email. Then a few days later I was like “this is silly – I am harboring so much anger. Maybe if I let him back in my life we can normalize” So that is when I texted him and said “I thought about it more and I would like to see you too. I don’t want to rehash our relationship. Maybe we can meet for tea today?” That’s when he wrote back and told me that “I think we should wait awhile… you still seem a bit angry. I have plans all this week and then am going on vacation.” It just made me feel ****ty again – I realize in hindsight its my fault for letting him back in but it’s hard to explain… it’s almost like a control thing. He makes me believe that he wants to see me and is nice and then as soon as I come around it’s like he changes his mind… is this my imagination?

 

I feel like he did this kind of thing in our relationship too. He would be loving and nice and then as soon as I would get excited and reciprocate he would get scared and say that things were moving too fast (this was in the beginning) so then I would back off and let him take the pace. Then he would complain that I wasn’t planning enough or initiating enough so I would start again and it would be like “I feel like you are planning to many things.” I just couldn’t ever get it right.

[elephantflower]

Just bumping.