Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[BC1980]

I am wondering if THIS is why I’m actually stuck because I know in my heart I haven’t really laid it out there and so I don’t know what could happen. It’s almost like I’m waiting for him to do it. I’m not saying he will or he is going to but at least I could have said “You know, I really care about you and I want to get back together too. I think this could work if we really work on it together. I know you are scared.” Instead I made it seem like I didn’t care AT ALL.

 

He knows how you feel. You don't need to say it. Also, you are forgetting that he has not expressed an interest in getting back together. If he were interested, he would tell you that.

 

I'm not against you telling him how you feel and telling him you want to get back together. At this point, if you feel like you need to do that, I say to do it. I have zero expectations that he will want to get back together, but I think it might be beneficial for you to hear him say that.

[BC1980]

I think I have a serious problem with communication – just in general. That comes from a place a fear and I don’t think it’s a good thing and it’s something I really want to work on and need support with. The last time my ex and I hung out things were really good – when he opened up to me and said he was thinking of us getting back together he asked me basically where this was going – why are we hanging out? I said “I don’t know. I don’t know what this is. Does it have to have a label? It’s more complicated than just getting back together. We are not anything. Can’t we just be.” He said “Fine.”

 

So you weren't truthful. Why is that? Why do you feel that you can't openly express your wants and needs? I think one reason is that you are scared your wants and needs won't line up with his, and having different wants and needs makes you feel uncomfortable. It makes you feel that you are at risk for the person not liking your or not accepting you. So you change your wants and needs to suit the situation, to keep the boat from rocking, so to speak. And in the end, you are left in a place where you really have no identity and can't own who you are. Instead of truly assessing what you want and how you feel, you react to what you think he will want. I'd be willing to bet that this kind of behavior extends into other areas of your life. You have the erroneous view that your wants need to line up exactly with a partner's to be accepted.

 

I know a lot about living that kind of life because I did it for far too long. It didn't end well for me.

[elephantflower]

Thank you for responding and reading everything I was feeling - I really appreciate it.

 

You are right about a lot but interestingly that kind of view is not held in my professional life. In fact, it is something my therapist has commented on numerous times -- in my professional life I have absolutely zero problem asserting myself and my boundaries. I am known in my office and industry for getting the job done and not taking any bull****. I'm a nice person but I'm not intimidated at all.

 

In my personal life it's that way once I start to have emotional feelings toward someone. I could go on a date or date someone I didn't really like for a month and have no problem breaking things off or not talking to them again or telling them how I felt if there was an issue. I think it's because I don't feel emotionally invested.

 

However, there is a dangerous tipping point. It's almost as if when I reach the point of caring things shift in the completely opposite direction -- there is no "kind of" caring... it is all or nothing and it tends to be once I care, I can't go back. I feel almost like I am committed to the cause and the person because I don't want to abandon them or let them down.

 

I am trying to figure out if what you said is true -- if I think that my wants and needs need to line up exactly to be accepted. I'm not sure. I do know that in previous relationship where I was very invested when I finally said how I really felt I was rejected -- so that may have something to do with it that I don't want to hear it so I completely avoid any conversation that there is a possibility of that happening or I will deflect the conversation or play down my emotions.

 

With this ex he actually I don't think would have a kind reaction like you predicted. I don't think he would be horrible but I actually think if he didn't feel the same way we wouldn't even be able to express that he was sorry I felt that way. I think he would probably say something like "I knew this would happen." Or "I don't want to talk to you anymore." There is never a point where he validates my feelings -- anytime I express an emotion I feel like he sees me as weak.

 

As an example: when we were hanging out a few weeks ago. I mentioned that my exhusband had gotten married the prior weekend. That's all I said, very calmly. He said "How do you feel about that?" I just said "Well, I think it made me more upset than I had anticipated. I'm not sure why and I've been trying to figure it out. I don't miss him but maybe I was jealous that he could be a horrible person so other people and find someone." My exs response was "It's like you think you are perfect or something and only good things should happen to you. You aren't perfect." And I said "I don't think I'm perfect at all but I do try to be decent to other people and I think I get frustrated when people don't treat me well in return." (My ex husband, cheated on me multiple times, saw prostitutes, stole money from me and left me -- it wasn't an amicable breakup).

 

So even though those were my feelings it felt like he didn't accept them. I guess what I'm trying to grasp in my life in general is if *I* am then overreacting when people don't agree with me. I was offended by his response but maybe I AM overly sensitive. I would have responded to someone by saying "I'm so sorry this is so frustrating. I would be frustrating too. I'm sure it's hard seeing someone you love meet someone else." So maybe the issue is that I get upset when he doesn't respond the way I want him to but for some reason I feel justified in that because all I want is validation that my feelings were heard.

 

I don't know if I'm being high maintenance in general to expect that. I've never had either of my exs treat me that way so maybe it's normal and I am the one with the issue thinking that everyone else has a problem.

 

I need to keep hearing the things that people are saying even if they have been said before. For some reason I am continuing to blame myself. I am ashamed that I feel this way. I feel like even people on this forum are appalled that I can't get past this.

 

I feel sad now.

[elephantflower]

Also in addition, if he thought of me only as a friend then why did he tell me he still had feelings for him. Seeing me was difficult. He wasn't sure if he could see me casually. And he was thinking maybe we should get back together? That made me feel like he cared for me more than a friend...

 

In addition, another example of how my ex acts when I say how I feel:

Background -- I am not dating. Part of it is probably because I am not over my ex but that's not a conscious reason... I literally have no desire at all.

 

Him: So, are you dating?

Me: No, I haven't really been at all.

Him: Really? We've been broken up for 8 months! Why wouldn't you date? Are you not over it?

 

I explained that it didn't have anything to do with him but I just hadn't felt the desire. I just felt very judged and stupid for not wanting to date after 8 months. I guess that is a long time but why is that a big deal?

Edited October 19, 2015 by elephantflower

[BC1980]

As an example: when we were hanging out a few weeks ago. I mentioned that my exhusband had gotten married the prior weekend. That's all I said, very calmly. He said "How do you feel about that?" I just said "Well, I think it made me more upset than I had anticipated. I'm not sure why and I've been trying to figure it out. I don't miss him but maybe I was jealous that he could be a horrible person so other people and find someone." My exs response was "It's like you think you are perfect or something and only good things should happen to you. You aren't perfect." And I said "I don't think I'm perfect at all but I do try to be decent to other people and I think I get frustrated when people don't treat me well in return." (My ex husband, cheated on me multiple times, saw prostitutes, stole money from me and left me -- it wasn't an amicable breakup).

 

I don't think you overreacted by wanting him to show some sympathy. He doesn't have to agree with or understand how you feel, but he can support you. He can allow you to talk, listen, and try to understand. Simply being completely dismissive and uninterested is a terrible trait. It's very selfish. All you were doing is voicing how you felt. Since when is that a crime?

[BC1980]

Also in addition, if he thought of me only as a friend then why did he tell me he still had feelings for him. Seeing me was difficult. He wasn't sure if he could see me casually. And he was thinking maybe we should get back together? That made me feel like he cared for me more than a friend...

 

In addition, another example of how my ex acts when I say how I feel:

Background -- I am not dating. Part of it is probably because I am not over my ex but that's not a conscious reason... I literally have no desire at all.

 

Him: So, are you dating?

Me: No, I haven't really been at all.

Him: Really? We've been broken up for 8 months! Why wouldn't you date? Are you not over it?

 

I explained that it didn't have anything to do with him but I just hadn't felt the desire. I just felt very judged and stupid for not wanting to date after 8 months. I guess that is a long time but why is that a big deal?

 

Again, he is judging your emotions, and he has no right to do that. He has no right to tell you how quickly you should move on or how you should feel about anything. He sounds so much like my ex. Always minimizing and dismissing anyone else's feelings as inferior.

 

I doubt he sees you as a platonic friend. He obviously has a past with you. But he also doesn't see you as someone he wants to be in a relationship with anymore. I do think he wants to stay on your good side, though. Doing so would lessen his guilt and keep you as an option. At the worst, he is positioning you as a FWB.

[elephantflower]

I need to keep hearing this BC1980. Even though I've already heard it and told these stories. It reminds me how it was.

 

That is how he acted all the time and it made me so sad. When we were together I would try to help the situation and say things like "I can understand that it may be a difficult thing to understand but I just wanted to express how you felt because you asked." And he would say something like "You complain about everything. Everyone has problems."

 

I just need to keep talking about this even if it has been 9 months and remembering how it was. I don't know how the **** I got sucked back in again. I don't want to go back this time. I want to be strong.

[elephantflower]

Yes, you are right. I do think in whatever capacity he is able (selfishly) that he cares about me. But I think what I need to keep talking about as long as I need to is that this is not healthy and this is not going to work. There is nothing wrong with me -- I have flaws but I tried to work on the relationship and it didn't work. It is time to move forward so I can be healthy.

 

I don't want to freak out and scream at him or send a mean email (Even though I kind of do). Because as I've said 500000 times, I will have to run into him unavoidably sometimes I would rather not have everyone think of me as crazy. I do think if he tries to contact me either ignoring him or giving short responses is okay. He will eventually get the pictures.

 

My predictions are this: He is not serious with this new person. If he was he would not be still on tinder. His pattern has been that he only gets off online dating when he is ready to TRY committing -- other than that he stays on, even if he is not seeing anyone else. I found out before he broke up with me he got back on okcupid -- it's almost like he HAS to have someone there immediately and wont break up with someone unless he does. He will probably keep seeing this person for a month or two more and then she will ask what is going on and he will freak out and break up with her. Then he will start contacting me more again and trying to see me.

 

He will probably try to contact me before then because he borrowed two books from me. I will either ignore him or just say "leave them in my mailbox."

 

I need to keep being reminded that his behavior is not okay. I deserve to say how I feel. That's all.

[Speirling]

Further, I don't find the dating thing strange at all either. I think you are doing exactly the right thing for you. Why force yourself to enter relationships with people if you aren't feeling up for it? Sure, it works for a lot of people, maybe even the majority, but it seems to me you need to spend some time on yourself before you date again.

 

I may be projecting onto you, because I'm the same way, and there's a lot of pressure to "get back in the saddle" from well meaning friends... I know I've got more work to do on stabilising myself before I can engage properly with another person. I've joked to people when they've pressured me that "I'm in a committed relationship with myself, thanks" and while it's vaguely amusing, it's actually pretty accurate. Being "over" someone and healing are not necessarily the same thing.

 

Perhaps he was trying to get you to say something about how you feel towards him? Whatever he was going for, I completely agree with BC - his opinion of your life choices really doesn't matter anymore. He had no right to make you feel bad, but you also need to be proud of your decision not to date whether someone agrees with it or not!

 

Sxxx

[Speirling]

And from ur last post - seems he has issues being on his own. Perhaps he's even threatened by the fact you can...

 

Sxxx

[BC1980]

I need to keep hearing this BC1980. Even though I've already heard it and told these stories. It reminds me how it was.

 

That is how he acted all the time and it made me so sad. When we were together I would try to help the situation and say things like "I can understand that it may be a difficult thing to understand but I just wanted to express how you felt because you asked." And he would say something like "You complain about everything. Everyone has problems."

 

I just need to keep talking about this even if it has been 9 months and remembering how it was. I don't know how the **** I got sucked back in again. I don't want to go back this time. I want to be strong.

 

I think it helps a lot to hear it from someone else. You can't see the situation objectively if you have feelings for him. You will hold him to a lower standard. If it helps, make list of all the situations in which he acted this way. All the times you felt minimized, and he didn't care. Read the list when you start to recycle thoughts of being with him again.

[elephantflower]

Speirling, thanks.

 

This is what I was getting at in my first post that maybe he was scared and trying to get me to say how I feel and I didn't and I wonder if that affected the outcome... I am going to obsess about this. Ugh.

[elephantflower]

See how I still go back and forth from being like "I'm never going back" to STILL thinking "maybe there is something I should have said."

 

I have really wondered in that last convo if he was trying to get me to open up about my feelings. Maybe he WAS thinking about moving forward with me and when I didn't really open up he decided to speed things up with the other person. I am scared. I feel like I have a right to be but maybe I should have said how I felt instead of acting like I didnt care.

 

I wonder if THAT is why he didnt accept the facebook - almost to spite me. kind of like "I dont care either" even if he does...

[BC1980]

See how I still go back and forth from being like "I'm never going back" to STILL thinking "maybe there is something I should have said."

 

I have really wondered in that last convo if he was trying to get me to open up about my feelings. Maybe he WAS thinking about moving forward with me and when I didn't really open up he decided to speed things up with the other person. I am scared. I feel like I have a right to be but maybe I should have said how I felt instead of acting like I didnt care.

 

I wonder if THAT is why he didnt accept the facebook - almost to spite me. kind of like "I dont care either" even if he does...

 

Do you want to tell him how you feel and ask him to get back together? If he says no, you could take that as final.

[elephantflower]

Im not sure. I don't think I would just want to get right back together anyway. I think when we started hanging out again that I thought it was nice and I was seeing if we could organically work toward something. It kind of surprised me that he brought up feelings and I felt uneasy and not anywhere ready to talk about that kind of thing.

 

He is hard to read. I could be wrong too. I've thought about saying something like "did you think I was closed off the last time we talked?" Or something like that. I have this problem a lot. I'm terrified of expressing my feelings.

 

I do kind of wonder though if it would help to have him say it will never work. He has never said that - in face when we broke up he said maybe someday we can work it out and I was like what?! Then when he apologized and wanted to hangout things were actually really nice. And I thought maybe... Then since that last convo the Facebook thing happened and he told me about that girl.

 

What would you guys do in this situation?

[elephantflower]

I think also this is why I haven't completely cut off contact. It always seemed like we still loved each other in some way so I think when I would cut him off it felt like I as cutting off our connection that it felt like we were slowly working on.

 

Someone who is guarded is not going to profess their undying love for you if you close the door. It just won't happen. I'm super guarded which is why when he does the littlest thing I completely freak out and won't open up.

 

I'm not sure.

[BC1980]

I do kind of wonder though if it would help to have him say it will never work. He has never said that - in face when we broke up he said maybe someday we can work it out and I was like what?! Then when he apologized and wanted to hangout things were actually really nice. And I thought maybe... Then since that last convo the Facebook thing happened and he told me about that girl.

 

What would you guys do in this situation?

 

Well, seeing as I have been in this situation, here is what I did. I called my ex up and told him that he could do as he pleased with my engagement ring. He said that he simply could not be in a relationship with me at that point in time, but he couldn't rule out anything in the future. I told him, okay, I respect your decision. He said some stuff about coming to his son's soccer game and us staying friends. After that day, I vowed I would never speak to him again.

 

That was it. He has said in black and white that it was over. Of course, it has been over for quite some time, but hearing it from him was the last time I was going to allow myself to be humiliated and rejected. I realized that what we wanted was incompatible. I decided that I had better things to do than to wait around and play someone's friend. I had better things to do than to be strung along. The following months were effing awful, but I would not contact him for anything.

 

I think you should just straight up tell him how you feel. If he says no, take that as final and move on.

[elephantflower]

Thank you for sharing your story. I think I want to wait. I keep wanting to wait for some reason -- I think I want to wait until he contacts me again.

 

Do you think it helped give you closure to talk to him? How long had you been broken up when you had that discussion?

[BC1980]

Thank you for sharing your story. I think I want to wait. I keep wanting to wait for some reason -- I think I want to wait until he contacts me again.

 

Do you think it helped give you closure to talk to him? How long had you been broken up when you had that discussion?

 

I think we had been broken up about 7 months at that time. No, I don't think the talk gave me any closure. I think that the talk jolted me into reality and gave me what I needed to shut the door. It probably took about another year or more to reach closure/acceptance. I think closure happens when you don't care anymore and you allow yourself to be free of the experience. That can take awhile, but it's something you give yourself.

 

I think you want to wait because you don't want to face the fact that it's over. Because you know, in your heart, that once you lay your feelings on the line, he's going to reject you again. That is why you won't tell him how you feel right now. It's not because you are scared. It's because you know he won't reciprocate. I get it. It's understandable. You're not the first person to do this. But it doesn't help you move on in the least.

[elephantflower]

I think I agree with you. So then saying something I think will make me feel worse. If I move forward without telling him how I then at least I don't out my feelings on the line in a verbal way.

[BC1980]

I think I agree with you. So then saying something I think will make me feel worse. If I move forward without telling him how I then at least I don't out my feelings on the line in a verbal way.

 

I came to the same conclusion. You have two options. Go NC, forget him, and move on. Or, tell him how you feel. It looks like you've made the decision to move on without talking to him, which I think is great. It's rough to keep putting yourself out there only to get rejected.

[elephantflower]

Feeling really bad this morning. I cried this morning which I haven’t done in at least a month.

 

Trying to be strong. Trying to remind myself that I will get through this.

 

Feeling completely STUPID. Feeling really low and pathetic. Trying to figure out how I let myself get here again. Why did I believe that he actually cared about me when he wanted to hang out? Why did I think he really wanted to be friends? It really, really felt that way. Feeling like that girl that everyone talks about who is clueless and pathetic because she is so blind.

 

I really didn’t see it. I think I do now. Will continue to need support.

 

I’m debating if I should completely block on my phone. I think my issue is still maybe him thinking that we are actually friends and me having more feelings and if I block him I will feel bad because I don’t know… I guess that would hurt my feelings and be confusing if someone did that to me…

 

Wondering if I should wait until he contacts me again (Which I’m sure will happen) and then just ignoring him. Or answering with short answers. I don’t know why I’m so stuck on this. This is really hard for me.

[BC1980]

Feeling really bad this morning. I cried this morning which I haven’t done in at least a month.

 

Trying to be strong. Trying to remind myself that I will get through this.

 

Feeling completely STUPID. Feeling really low and pathetic. Trying to figure out how I let myself get here again. Why did I believe that he actually cared about me when he wanted to hang out? Why did I think he really wanted to be friends? It really, really felt that way. Feeling like that girl that everyone talks about who is clueless and pathetic because she is so blind.

 

I really didn’t see it. I think I do now. Will continue to need support.

 

I’m debating if I should completely block on my phone. I think my issue is still maybe him thinking that we are actually friends and me having more feelings and if I block him I will feel bad because I don’t know… I guess that would hurt my feelings and be confusing if someone did that to me…

 

Wondering if I should wait until he contacts me again (Which I’m sure will happen) and then just ignoring him. Or answering with short answers. I don’t know why I’m so stuck on this. This is really hard for me.

 

In your situation, I would block his cell number. Simply because I feel that he will contact you again, and it's difficult not to respond when you are emotional about it. If he texts you, it will probably trigger all types of emotions (anger, sadness), and you run the risk of responding and saying something stupid. Also, it's a lot easier to heal and grieve AWAY from your ex. You can't really go through grief in a proper way if you are worried about him popping back up again.

 

As for feeling badly about blocking his cell number, you need to start prioritizing your healing over the possibility of hurting his feelings. He's hurt your feelings plenty in all of this, and he seems to continue doing so. Also, it's normal not to contact an ex again. It might be sad for him, but that's just a consequence of a breakup. I'm sure he will land on his feet and be fine. He seems to be dating again, so he's obviously not too upset about it.

 

Have you read "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue. I can't remember if I have suggested that to you before.

[elephantflower]

So as anticipated… I had not blocked my exs number from my phone.

 

This morning he texted me about new development with a personal hobby we have (that is really vague on purpose because it’s not common and I don’t want to reveal my location).

 

He then followed that with a text that said “Are you going to the Halloween party?”

 

If you recall from previous posts, I never actually told me ex I was going to the Halloween party. I thought he might be there (he has gone in previous years) but I had made the decision I wanted to go before I knew anything about his attendance. I responded to the invite on Facebook. He then texted me to tell me a girl he had been “hanging out with” would be there. I never responded because why would I? So I’ve never confirmed for him that I was going or not going.

 

This week I blocked him from facebook – if you don’t want to be friends on facebook and you feel the need to tell me about some girl you are dating then you don’t need to inadvertently see things about me via mutual friends.

 

So, if my ex was to look at the invite at this point (which maybe he has) then he would not be able to see any response because I blocked him.

 

I am not going to answer the text. My guess is that he is a little nervous because that girl will be there and he isn’t sure if I will be there or not. I don’t owe him a response. If you don’t even want to be facebook friends with me and feel like treating me like poo after we spent some good times together the past two months then that is on you. IF you are sooooo into this girl that you felt the need to tell me about it then why don’t you just ****ing focus on that and not worry about me?

 

I don’t understand him and his behavior. If you don’t want anything to do with me, etc then don’t ask me those questions…

[Blanco]

I think this is a great example of why it's good to block his number. It's good you didn't respond, but it's obviously got you a little flustered and thinking, which is what you're trying to move away from.