What have I done

[10thengineerharrison]

Had:

 

Do you still go on GNOs with your friends?

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[whichwayisup]

Reading your update and more about the D and what the lawyer has told you, I think you need to let the divorce happen. Do counseling regardless and in time you and your (ex) H go together but so you two can co parent together in a healthy way for your kids sake.

 

I think the fact that he caught you cheating and saw it with his own eyes for sure has had a huge impact on his decision to divorce. He had a chance to watch you and how you acted and then how you reacted when you got caught. That movie will play in his head for a long LONG time and this is probably why he's wanting the D to happen now.

 

He is not going to screw you over, he just wants out so do respect his decision.

[drifter777]

Your BH continues to impress me with his firm, positive actions. Moving quickly to divorce you is one thing, but when you say he is being "fair" I assume you mean the basic settlement of your assets. And by being fair - maybe even generous - with his offer he is greatly speeding up the process of putting you in his rear-view mirror. He doesn't want to drag things out haggling over material crap - he wants to get on with his life. He must be one hell of a guy.

[beach]

I know what I did is horrible and evil and in every way shape and from wrong. I know it is hard to understand but looking back I can not believe what I did and allowed. It will seem hypocritical because I am the one who is to blame but I don't understand how he can be so cold about this. I worry that he is just so strong he will just move past it and give me no chance. Do I think I deserve a chance? No. Do I desperately want a chance? Yes!

I see my BS at our sons games and at school now and he walks among all these people that are aware of what I did and what happened and I know how that must hurt him, but he always has his head up and seems fine. I can see in his eyes he is different though and it kills me.

I am in IC and it helps a bit for my depression but my IC says she can not help my BS unless I can get him to see her. He calmly told me he was not interested in seeing a councillor. I have tried everything I can think of to let him not how sorry I am and that I would do anything to fix this and he just refuses to talk to me about anything other than the boys.

My older son wouldn't talk to me for weeks after he found out what happened and my BH was able to convince him to forgive me and let me know how much he still loves me. Doesn't that show that my husband still has love for me? He could have just allowed my son to hate his mother and probably felt justified in it but instead he has done the most for my children to reconcile with me. Is there anyone that has had success getting through to a BS that seemed completely unwilling to even discuss the events? He will not even entertain ANY discussion about it. That cant be good for him.

 

Some people forgive but have a boundary that shows there are some things that aren't allowed to become a part of their daily life.

 

Your husband has a very healthy, solid boundary.

 

 

Please respect him enough to grant him the divorce and everything he asks for.

 

There are consequences to actions - and this is your consequence.

[atreides]

Had:

 

Do you still go on GNOs with your friends?

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

 

Don't get me started on GNOs.. sigh.

 

So ironic with this thread, some bash the husbands friend who is ACTUALLY ACTING as a friend vs the OP's " girl friend" who brought F**k Buddies, alcohol and dancing into the mix with married women = Not a friend.

[afoolto no end]

your story is heartbreaking because you were so stupid, a family is the most important thing in life and you treated your marriage, your kids like none of it mattered…………

I think you embarrassed your husband beyond belief, I am sure he still loves you, you can't just turn that off, but trust you, trust that you won't hurt him and your kids again………he may never do that unless you prove to him little by little your a better person, you need to move on be the best mom you can be, be honest, be accountable always……..your husband has the right to be cold……..

the only thing you can do is hope over time with the kids seeing you as a better person it will somehow show him you get what you did to your family.

Tell your husband you understand what you did and you don't blame him for divorcing you.

Maybe once the divorce is over and you get any chances to fill any of his needs do it, it may take forever with a million little gestures but it's your only shot……

Look your best always, show him your a better person, keep the house clean, get a job, join a gym, volunteer……….try to have fun at the kids events. show him what was good………..

show him you can and will be the woman he could be proud of again……

He may be done and you can't blame him, if he is just love your kids and him from a distance…….you screwed up and in life there are consequences, in the end you will like yourself better if you change yourself first…………

 

Hopefully after some time has passed he can forgive you but you will have to do the heavy lifting from here on, and he won't help you at all, you have to be willing to give and give and give without expecting a thing…………it might take years…………

I hope you have learned your lesson and cut anyone out of your life that does wrong thinks wrong………………..

I feel sorry for everyone involved disrespect like this hurts everyone…..it was pure selfishness on your part……..humility now is your only chance….start with your kids………………..

[Noirek]

Don't get me started on GNOs.. sigh.

 

So ironic with this thread, some bash the husbands friend who is ACTUALLY ACTING as a friend vs the OP's " girl friend" who brought F**k Buddies, alcohol and dancing into the mix with married women = Not a friend.

 

I had to google GNO. I have plenty of girl's night outs. They aren't always evil but actually can be quite needed and healthy.

 

I do agree that the attacks against the friend are dreadful. If you see a stranger get robbed do you mind your own business and walk on? Sadly many do. Or hit and runs. Nobody actually shoots the messenger. Only those partaking of debauchery dislike it when someone speaks up. or others of low moral fibre. Honest and good people speak up against crimes and social injustices. When they see a wrong behaviour they take action

 

OP, head lovin's advice. Be a good mom. Because your husband actually saw your behaviour I think the chances of reconciliation are non exsistent. But that doesn't mean your life is over. I understand compartmentilzation. But that is over now. Your affair bubble has been popped and your lives collided. Let him go. If he wants to give you a second chance it will be his descision. You can't control that.

Edited March 13, 2015 by Noirek

[Echo74]

A marriage is between the people that are in it. Toxic people are the one's that stick their nose where it doesn't belong! You NEVER get respect for being a snitch, what do you get from it? Who made certain people think their God & to get involved with other people's lives?Unless you're sin free (Jesus was the only person I can think of) you have no business getting involved when it doesn't concern you! You don't get life points from being a trouble maker & sure as hell doesn't make you righteous!

 

If my friends knew my spouse was cheating on me and didn't tell me then they aren't very good friends imo. Good friends watch the back of those they care about. My friends should be concerned with how my spouse behaves when I'm not around. Anyone who would keep something like that a secret is no friend of mine. This has nothing to do with being a "trouble maker" or being "righteous", it has to do with protecting a friend. In essence you are saying everyone should simply shake off any knowledge of infidelity thus allowing the cheaters of the world continue to do so. UGH!

[atreides]

I had to google GNO. I have plenty of girl's night outs. They aren't always evil but actually can be quite needed and healthy.

 

I do agree that the attacks against the friend are dreadful. If you see a stranger get robbed do you mind your own business and walk on? Sadly many do. Or hit and runs. Nobody actually shoots the messenger. Only those partaking of debauchery dislike it when someone speaks up. or others of low moral fibre. Honest and good people speak up against crimes and social injustices. When they see a wrong behaviour they take action

 

OP, head lovin's advice. Be a good mom. Because your husband actually saw your behaviour I think the chances of reconciliation are non exsistent. But that doesn't mean your life is over. I understand compartmentilzation. But that is over now. Your affair bubble has been popped and your lives collided. Let him go. If he wants to give you a second chance it will be his descision. You can't control that.

 

I am glad we agree in terms of people with integrity, as for GNOs, LS has many threads that debate this... there are many types of GNO so yes not all are evil, but i think the "elephant in the room" is obvious with what GNOs I am talking about that are notorious and so many infidelity cases on LS. my wife and i don't get dressed to the nines to go out solo with friends to party and drink, not in our etiquette. I cannot rationalize that behavior as appropriate in a committed relationship in any manner. I don't want to T/J as i chime in from time to time on other parts of LS on the subject but the arguments go nowhere.

[HereNorThere]

Putting any sort of blame on "girls night out" is beyond ridiculous. If you can't trust your partner to go put with their friends, even the wilder, more rambunctious friends, you need to find a new partner.

 

This is about her and her character. I have friends that are straight laced doctors and some with drug problems that live with their mom while they're out on bail. If you're so easily influenced that you can't be around anyone without them changing your own behavior, that's your personal problem.

[SawtoothMars]

While I agree it could be false, there are plenty of real, remorseful posters here who have far more heinous stories than this one. This one is quite mild compared to the years some people spent plotting on their spouse and later regretted once they lost everything.

 

I felt there were too many sexually explicit details or at least innuendo's regarding the affair for this to be real. It reads more like fanfic than someone looking for advice.

 

Besides... OP is toxic if real. That means she would need to just back off and let her xHusband live a good life. Maybe send him checks from time to time as a form of restitution. The Husband can find plenty of better women out there... why go through all the pain of trying to fix this with someone incapable of love?

[atreides]

Putting any sort of blame on "girls night out" is beyond ridiculous. If you can't trust your partner to go put with their friends, even the wilder, more rambunctious friends, you need to find a new partner.

 

This is about her and her character. I have friends that are straight laced doctors and some with drug problems that live with their mom while they're out on bail. If you're so easily influenced that you can't be around anyone without them changing your own behavior, that's your personal problem.

 

Quite the opposite, GNO is not about "trust" far from it. It is about the inverse, but i really don't want to get in another t/j over this.

[atreides]

While I agree it could be false, there are plenty of real, remorseful posters here who have far more heinous stories than this one. This one is quite mild compared to the years some people spent plotting on their spouse and later regretted once they lost everything.

 

I agree, there are plenty of stories, and this does not have the troll feel yet.

[fellini]

OP: Your story has produced nothing but a field trip of many people here. Your BS is a hero, brass balls Alpha Male total icon for BS's everywhere (or in LS at least) for doing what he has done. Most of what people here are talking about is how sh-tty you were. And while this is true, why you listen to people who think you are not worth the time of day is beyond me.

 

And you can see their anger and extremely limited mindset calling out VBM for reconciling with his WW. Calling him a doormat? Since when does a man who lives with the pain of his wife's infidelity every day, who continues to fight to save what he wants for himself a "doormat"?

 

Don't bother looking for stories of reconciliation here in LS, there are some, there are few, but when you see how the community of anti-reconciliation abuse and provoke and demean those who do not divorce, you will understand why they disappear from these pages. No one who is struggling so hard with their personal marital life should have to listen to that garbage.

 

There are always several realities.

 

Aside from some clearly misinformation in your story - and some dubious assertions, you want your husband to give you another chance. I suggest you listen to some of the more level headed posters here who council you to a) work on yourself and your issues, and b) be patient

 

Your posts demonstrate an (not unusual) excessive fear of not getting a 2nd chance. And they are correct, your husband will or will not make that decision, not you. If you think you have made it clear that you are open to a conversation without any commitment on his part and if you are able to deal with the issues of your activities rather than use these moments to beg him for a second chance you will probably fair better.

 

Your husband does NOT want to hear you beg for him to do anything. If you cannot live with that, then I suggest you stop imagining a future with him.

 

No one here can actually tell you its over. ONLY YOUR SPOUSE CAN DO THAT. Whatever happens from the next second forward is an unwritten book.

 

Stop arguing with the people here who are loving having you to throw stones at. Get off LS unless you have something genuinely important, stop thinking that anyone here can give you the formula to "win" a reconciliation. Get back out there, build a life for yourself and wait and see if your H changes his mind, doesn't go through with the d, does, but doesn't want to be married to you, but still wants to wait and see, or moves on. None of these decisions are for you to manipulate or decide. Be authentic in your life from now on and hope that it slows him down a little.

 

But more than anything you definitely need to get over your fear of losing your H because it's preventing you from dealing with your issues. You will be happy, believe it or not, with or without your H. I'd suggest most of your emotional reaction is to being discovered and the horror of how that happened.

 

You may well not be with this man ever again, so now would be the better time to face that music and wait and see if he does another 180. There are stories here of this and more. Nothing is written in stone.

 

 

 

I agree, there are plenty of stories, and this does not have the troll feel yet.

Edited March 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position, particularly since self inflicted wounds seem to cut the deepest. Unlike many WW you have not blamed any of this on your husband. I think that date nights out with your husband is more beneficial to a marriage than GNO. Also like it or not, there is a difference between a few guys going out and a few women. The guys can go to a bar order there drinks, talk and go home without anybody saying a word to them. A group of women do the same thing at a bar and some cowboy will ride in and try to cut one from the herd. Still it is incumbent on the individual to behave themselves and becomes a matter of trust in the marriage that you don't cross certain boundaries.

 

I am concerned however with this romantic view of life. You seem to believe that the reason that your husband was the better man, was because he was able to kick the dog poop out of two deserving dogs. He was the better man because he was a loving husband, father and loyal partner. It just so happened that he was also the better fighter as well. However, if one of these men had a weapon of some kind, this could have had serious consequences.

 

I wish I had a magic wand to make this all better, but I don't. I can only suggest that you be as honest with him as you can and be contrite. I also recommend that you seek legal counsel. Take inventory of the relationship and look at the things that you could have done to enhance the relationship and apply this knowledge to this or future relationships.

 

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" - George Santayana

[autumnnight]

I know DTK posted to you earlier, and I see now that lovinDTK has posted as well. I urge you to listen to their story and words. They are the reason that I truly believe a couple needs to divorce to have any chance at a real reconciliation. Your husband is crushed and hurt and angry. He does not need your begging and trying to finagle ways to be with him. He needs to do what HE needs to do. What do YOU need to do if you want to be together again someday? Work on you, dig deep, go to a good IC that believes in accountability and morals. Be an amazing mom and coparent.

 

Then, one day, IF your remorse and complete change is real over time, and if your husband wants to try again, you can reconnect as friends, then lovers, then husband and wife, as equal partners. It, IMO, would not be good all the way around to try to force the issue now.

 

Are there people who stay married? Sure. Are there people who stay married, really recover, really have a marriage, and really move on? Very VERY few.

 

Give your husband what he needs.

[gettingstronger]

So I read your story and I believe it- I have seen too many GNO type situations go upside down- add in the divorced friend needing the misery loves company and you have a recipe for disaster- so at this point I would say

 

1. Allow your husband to heal on his terms- do not throw in your regret and desire for another chance on top of the stress he is already going through-that is unfair to him- be polite and kind but do not add your pressure to him- remember, your actions uprooted his life and he is dealing with it the best he can

 

2. Cut off the divorce friend- she is not a bad person, she is a bad for you person-her goals and yours are very different and her influence is not good for you right now-you are hurt and lonely and it may be tempting to jump in to her lifestyle but that will not make you attractive to your husband-

 

3. Work on you- accept this is traumatic to you as well- get some help-find some peace with yourself- get and/or stay healthy

 

4. Concentrate on your kids- your husband did your son a favor (not you) by making sure he is reconciling his feelings for you-understand they will be hurt and confused-put their needs above yours and make sure they are as happy and secure as they can be considering the huge life change-

 

Remember its your actions that set all of this in motion-accept that and allow those around you to heal on their terms without your wants/needs clouding or adding stress-

 

Finally for all of you craving a GNO-try canvas and cocktails or something like that-going out and acting single while you are married rarely ends well-we all get bored, we all need a release but reality is most of us are living that suburban family life we planned so don't do anything to ruin it- you won't feel cool and sexy and alive when your bad choices come raining down on you-

 

Stay strong, be healthy and keep on keeping on-

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I was thinking about your situation and more and more, I think what sealed divorce from your H, was your refusal to stand up for him when he was being threatened by your AP and his friend.

 

He knew right there, that you didn't have his back. When he told OM to get his hands off his wife , you may have had a chance, because some men would have been so disgusted that they walked away on sight.

 

In future don't drink if you can't be in full control and fill your spare time doing something meaningful. You've blown a great thing, but it doesn't mean your life is over. You have two sons who need you. Try and be a good role model to them.

[No Limit]

The man that called my husband is a friend of his

 

And a great friend at that. No doubt that he's a great help for your husband to overcome the situation, he showed that he truly wishes him no ill and protects him. Respect, there are many who would have just looked away.

 

From the sound of it your STBXH is a great guy who knows what he wants and expects no less, he's proven his "manhood" in public by not letting two thugs intimidate him and now he's continuing with fair demands in divorce proceedings. Seriously, he's a role-model for divorcing men (and men who would do better divorcing). He's also a great role-model to your two sons, so big imaginary high five for that.

 

The marriage is over, your family as a whole gone. Right now you're still in denial, so you should definitely get counseling to get to the point of acceptance. As soon as that's done, focus your energy on your kids and should a dating prospect arrive at some point treat him fairly and don't cheat anymore. Happy end.

[aliveagain]

OP

 

I was thinking about your situation and more and more, I think what sealed divorce from your H, was your refusal to stand up for him when he was being threatened by your AP and his friend.

 

He knew right there, that you didn't have his back. When he told OM to get his hands off his wife , you may have had a chance, because some men would have been so disgusted that they walked away on sight.

 

In future don't drink if you can't be in full control and fill your spare time doing something meaningful. You've blown a great thing, but it doesn't mean your life is over. You have two sons who need you. Try and be a good role model to them.

 

This was the pivotal point, as bad as openly dating is and being caught with several men(what wife accepts rides from a couple of bodybuilders types when it's obvious to everyone she's had too much to drink? A good wife wouldn't have allowed any man to touch her, a good wife would have asked the friend who was there with her husband to drive her home, a good wife would have called a cab or her husband to come get her, I guarantee you that anyone that saw your performance that night were left with no doubt as to your being a good wife or not) that friends of the marriage had to phone your husband and tell him about your behaviour.

 

If I didn't know better it almost seems like you wanted to see your lover and your husband go at it even though the odds were stacked against your husband. I think you are a dangerous woman and your going to get someone hurt unless you get help.

[LifesontheUp]

Hello hadeverything

 

I was once in a similar place to your husband (though it took me 6 months to get there). My advice is to respect his decision. He has made his choice just as you made yours.

 

Some people will never want to reconcile after finding out their partner cheated and I believe there is nothing wrong with that. My xH told me I would come crawling back within 2 yrs - but he is still waiting for that to happen over 10 yrs later.

 

I would recommend you move on and accept his decision. Sounds to me you didn't really love him anyway so are likely just missing the security of the relationship.

[bubbaganoosh]

Don't get me started on GNOs.. sigh.

 

So ironic with this thread, some bash the husbands friend who is ACTUALLY ACTING as a friend vs the OP's " girl friend" who brought F**k Buddies, alcohol and dancing into the mix with married women = Not a friend.

 

I had to do what his friend did. One of my friends was married and I saw her with another man. I told my then wife about it and she surprised me by tell me that she saw this guys wife with the same man.

 

I called him up and asked if he would meet me someplace and he did and I told him what I saw and that my wife also saw her with the same guy. I wasn't easy bu any stretch because the look on his face was tearing me apart and I really felt horrible for having to spill the beans but he needed to know.

 

After I told him he composed himself and asked me if I was really sure it was her and I told him that I was and saw her car with both of them in it. He went home and laid it on the table for her, she denied it and he told her that two people saw her and she finally fessed up. He told her to leave and a few days later when everyone found out about it, four more people came up to him and told him they saw her too and they said that they didn't feel it was their place to say anything and he told them that at least one person had the guts to do the right thing.

[aliveagain]

Just another point, had your husband lost the fight how would you expect that to have gone for you? Having the cr*p beat out of him for trying to stop you from jumping into a car with your lover and his friend wouldn't have helped your cause, it would have been worse because you didn't speak up as his wife, you didn't try to stop the aggression from your affair partner against him when he stepped into the line of fire trying to protect you, all you did was watch. You may be a great mother but based on your actions he has the right to fire you as a sh*tty wife.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

It could be your husband's friend just thought you had too much to drink and were behaving very badly and possibly being taken advantage of by another man. So he better come and pick his wife up.

 

Then to his horror, he sees that awful sight.

 

Just imagine if he was the one cheating, then his OW and her friend (two against one) turned on you and threatened you and he stood by and did nothing/said nothing, not even DO NOT speak to my wife like that......... Nothing that is until you beat the OW up and then he tells you to please stop.

 

Well in my mind if my H reacted this way, that's him telling me EXACTLY who his priority is. Me, the woman he made a vow to and he stood by like that. Just think about the immense pain he felt as a result of your betrayal.

 

You've caused what I would consider to be irreconcilable damage. There's no other way to say it.

[HereNorThere]

Also like it or not, there is a difference between a few guys going out and a few women. The guys can go to a bar order there drinks, talk and go home without anybody saying a word to them. A group of women do the same thing at a bar and some cowboy will ride in and try to cut one from the herd.

 

You must have some lame guy friends, bro. Those guys cutting the girls away from the herd, yeah, they are no different than the girls being cut away. If girls want to go out and stay to themselves, they can. My guy friends get attention, sometimes end up end fights, and every other type of crazy thing you can get yourself into. For every group of girls doing crazy stuff with guys on "girls night out", there's a group of guys just as guilty of doing dumb drunk sh*t.