UPDATE- about my husband doing basic chores.

[beach]

Any update?

[Emerald_11]

Any update?

 

 

Yes, I have been super busy & haven't logged in in a few days & my husband has been home so I didn't want to look at this site when he was around....

SO - he got back from work the other day & almost immediately told me how upset he was about certain items of his clothing not being washed which led to an argument about it. In which I outlined how much time I spend at work & school and I told him I cannot keep getting bothered by this same issue & if he needs clean clothes to wash them himself!! I also went on to say that I am going to continue to be busy after I graduate from college because I will be seeking full time employment in my field so we really need to share the household chores & responsibilities instead of most of them being assigned to me by him. The rest of that day I did not do his laundry like he wanted me to. Then on Saturday I went to work early in the morning and when I returned he was just sitting on the couch watching movies with our kids. I was immediately irritated when I went to change out of my work clothes & saw all the laundry still in the basket. I asked him how come you didn't start a load of laundry since you were here ALL day while I was working?? He seemed to think it was strange or something...I reminded him that he was the one who wanted those clothes washed & I wasn't even the one who cared. I told him that when we got married it did NOT mean that I agreed to be his slave. He was super upset and said ok well maybe you are right we do need marriage counseling. & I responded with a sarcastic "you think?" It got sorta nasty. I told him since you are making such a big deal about it -I refuse to do that laundry & you are going to do it- he ended up doing it a few hours later but needed help figuring out how to use the washing machine & didn't know how much soap to put in it so I gave him a laundry lesson LOL!. He was still grumpy about it later so I told him that maybe its time he creates an account with an online dating site and next to his picture he should write "must love washing stinky socks" just to see how many responses he will get. I thought it was funny but he did not....

 

 

We also talked about his pill problem and how it makes him act differently- He didn't seem to realize he behaved differently while under the influence of pills. I pointed out to him people he knows who do pills & the state their lives are in at the moment (not too good). Also he gets irritated with one of his friends always flaking out on him & I told him he would probably not be such an unreliable person & a more worthwhile friend if he would get off the drugs (he smokes oxys all the time).

 

 

A few months ago my husband convinced me to do a pill with him because I had a sore neck that day. The following day at school I had a hard time staying awake in during my lectures-I was sorta head bobbing & it was kinda embarrassing when one of my friends from class told me she saw me doing that and then I failed a quiz with a 40% when I usually get at least an 80% or so. After that I decided not to do pills again no matter what. I reminded my husband about that day and went on to tell him that I think those pills make you stupid and brain-dead. I told him that I need him at 100% & I don't like him when he is on drugs.

 

 

It was super stressful & tense at home & I needed a break so I called my 2 best girlfriends & we set up an emergency girls night out. After my kids were asleep in their beds I left my husband at home & went out dancing with my friends. One of my friends was divorced last year. She was very supportive and had a lot of good advice.

 

 

Then on Monday when I got home from work the house was all picked up dishes & laundry were done! I was really shocked & relieved that it seems like he might be catching on!!

[Emerald_11]

You're worried about ending up a single mom via divorce - what if you end up a single mom via jail time? For your husband, that is. He has an addiction and is getting his fix thru an illegal route. Vikings, as I call them, go for 5 to 10$ a pop around here, probably more now that a written scrip is required for every refill.

 

Yet there's no money for counseling, no money for help for you with things he won't do. And there won't be any child support coming from behind bars.

 

Walk away now; don't get dragged thru the mud with him.

 

Thank you for your response. I guess he pays anywhere from $2-6 per pill (hydros or perkasets) And oxys are $30 each!! He uses a few different pills.... My husband & I discussed this and I hope he sees more clearly now how spending money on that stuff takes away from other things we really need or could be doing instead.

I did mention to him that he risks going back to jail by being involved with pills and the people who sell them. He does not want to go to jail again. I told him that I do believe "birds of a feather flock together" I got him to tell me problems he sees in the lives of his friends who use pills and tried to help him see if that is who he chooses to associate with it wont be long before your life will be like looking through a mirror at their lives.

 

 

I think we made some good progress.....but time will tell.

[Emerald_11]

You know, I read this, and your other thread, and i read the responses form other people here, and I read your reply above, and i had a good long reply ready to post and then I thought - aw forget it. Cut to the chase:

 

The chase?

 

Dump him, divorce him and move on.

How many more 'chances' are you going to give him?

 

How many more lines in the sand are you going to draw, before he steps over one too many?

He likes his pills, does he?

At the expense of his child's well-being?

 

Everything he does and wants, is more important than you or his children.

His priority is himself.

 

Well, here's one pill you can give him, that he's going to find very bitter and hard to swallow.

See a lawyer.

Draft divorce papers and give them to him.

Then ask him to leave.

 

This is over.

 

You're on your own emotionally and strategically.

Him being physically absent really isn't going to hurt that much.

n fact, I believe you'll find it a blessed relief, finally!!

 

 

I am more than prepared to do whatever is necessary to ensure my kids are safe & cared for & that I am able to be happy & live a fulfilling life.

I have an excellent relationship with my lawyer who I have used for various thing throughout the years. I did remind my husband about my lawyer always being there for me. He knows I meant everything I said. My husband works out of town a lot and I am used to being on my own so you are right if it comes to that I know I will be fine without him. I gave him very clear ultimatums and it seems like he is responding well so far.

[Emerald_11]

SO he left your sick son, who was throwing up alone?

 

Yes I would do marriage counseling with him and let him know he has no choice but to go if he wants to stay married to you. He is NOT a present father. Who goes off to do something else while looking after a sick child?! To get pills with the neighbour!! You have every right to be upset! And leaving a mess for you to clean up! Not do the laundry that was vomited on or clean up barf on the floor. Irresponsible.

 

 

 

We have an appointment for MC coming up. I insisted that we go & at the threat of divorce he has agreed to go with me. It is very overdue. Hopefully this therapist can help us.

[whichwayisup]

Glad you two are going to marriage counseling.

 

His drug addiction has to be dealt with as it is affecting everything he does (and doesn't do). One time of him doing dishes and laundry is nice but it doesn't mean he's changed.

 

You yourself tried one of his pills and could barely function properly.. HE is on them (so it seems) all the time so of course he is unmotivated, lazy and high, too high to do anything.

 

Respectfully, hire a babysitter next time you go out. Your husband has proved to you that your kids are not safe alone with them. He is not present while at home, and left your child sick when he needed his daddy.

 

I know you love this man but he has to stop doing drugs. Things will not get better until he gets help with that.

[beach]

You do know that oxy processes in the body as heroin, right?

 

And you obviously see firsthand what it does to a person.

 

He's a hardcore drug user - there's no way to reason with that unless he goes to detox and stays off of them.

 

You are trying to reason with unreasonable circumstances= it's not possible in your current state.

 

I'm willing to bet money he cleaned up to get you off his back - so he can continue doing what he wants (the pills).

 

I caution you... And I hope you have no patience if his behavior doesn't improve on a consistent basis for the long term.

 

Not trying to be harsh - I speak from extensive experience. I'm concerned for you and your kids!

[Emerald_11]

Glad you two are going to marriage counseling.

 

His drug addiction has to be dealt with as it is affecting everything he does (and doesn't do). One time of him doing dishes and laundry is nice but it doesn't mean he's changed.

 

You yourself tried one of his pills and could barely function properly.. HE is on them (so it seems) all the time so of course he is unmotivated, lazy and high, too high to do anything.

 

Respectfully, hire a babysitter next time you go out. Your husband has proved to you that your kids are not safe alone with them. He is not present while at home, and left your child sick when he needed his daddy.

 

I know you love this man but he has to stop doing drugs. Things will not get better until he gets help with that.

 

 

I thought about having a baby sitter come over but it would have been weird since my husband was home too....My kids were safe in their beds.

 

His pill usage will be one of the first topics we discuss in MC. I don't think he realizes that is my plan to bring it up. I know he might get mad at me but it has been going on for years. I honestly think he will need professional help if he is ever to recover from his addictions.

A long time ago he used to use methadone because a different neighbor of ours had rheumatoid arthritis & had a prescription. Things got really bad when methadone was so close to home. A good friend of ours was hanging out with my husband & the neighbor guy & overdosed one night and almost died!! I remind my husband about that all the time but now he just dismisses it as "oh he just went overboard" I don't think he considers the fact that it could have just as easily been him. Also my husband used to get so high he peed the bed!!!! (I couldn't sleep on that mattress anymore & got rid of it asap) After that went on for a while I decided I didn't want to live anywhere near that neighbor because he kept giving/selling methadone to my husband & I convinced my husband for various reasons to sell that house & move 40miles away from there. That ended it for a while but if someone is actively seeking out drugs they can find them anywhere. So it was only a temporary fix.

He needs to stop wanting & trying to find pills. I don't buy his excuses for using them. If his knee was that bad a doctor would have prescribed him medication but that didn't happen when he tried.

If he refuses treatment for this very serious issue it will be the end of our marriage.

[Emerald_11]

You do know that oxy processes in the body as heroin, right?

 

And you obviously see firsthand what it does to a person.

 

He's a hardcore drug user - there's no way to reason with that unless he goes to detox and stays off of them.

 

You are trying to reason with unreasonable circumstances= it's not possible in your current state.

 

I'm willing to bet money he cleaned up to get you off his back - so he can continue doing what he wants (the pills).

 

I caution you... And I hope you have no patience if his behavior doesn't improve on a consistent basis for the long term.

 

Not trying to be harsh - I speak from extensive experience. I'm concerned for you and your kids!

 

Beach-Thank you for your concern and advice!!

I will respectfully decline betting any money with you about this because you would win.

You are right he only cleaned up since he saw how frustrated & serious I am about it. He has not done any thing else chore-wise since that day. he probably thinks that was his good deed for the year or something.....he is wrong. It needs to be a consistent day to day thing.

Because I am SOOO tired of being a nag. It is not who I really am just who he makes me be.... I wont continue living this way if it does not improve A LOT because I know I deserve better & could be happier without his dumb drama.

I have high hopes for the therapy helping but am also trying to be real about it & also prepare myself for him rejecting the counseling & treatment that he really needs or him making excuses not to go. That would mean a trip to my lawyers office & then the end. Child custody arrangements, financial arrangements etc.....I think I am being very fair.

[beach]

Beach-Thank you for your concern and advice!!

I will respectfully decline betting any money with you about this because you would win.

You are right he only cleaned up since he saw how frustrated & serious I am about it. He has not done any thing else chore-wise since that day. he probably thinks that was his good deed for the year or something.....he is wrong. It needs to be a consistent day to day thing.

Because I am SOOO tired of being a nag. It is not who I really am just who he makes me be.... I wont continue living this way if it does not improve A LOT because I know I deserve better & could be happier without his dumb drama.

I have high hopes for the therapy helping but am also trying to be real about it & also prepare myself for him rejecting the counseling & treatment that he really needs or him making excuses not to go. That would mean a trip to my lawyers office & then the end. Child custody arrangements, financial arrangements etc.....I think I am being very fair.

 

I think you are being too fair and too patient.

 

Your kids have been at risk being left with your H.

 

His friends who have access to pills are his priority over everything else.

 

Most times - people don't get help and get sober/clean without realizing they have major parts of their life they may lose - like family, marriages, jobs etc...

 

Your H thinks he has this all under control when he doesn't.

 

Does he have ins? Does it cover detox and rehab? Coming off that kind of medicine is hard - staying off it even harder. He needs help!

 

Nagging won't change things... Don't waste your energy. Get a solid plan to get him serious inpatient long term help or you should consider divorcing him - he's dragging you down and is dangerous.

Edited March 20, 2015 by beach

[Hope Shimmers]

After that went on for a while I decided I didn't want to live anywhere near that neighbor because he kept giving/selling methadone to my husband

 

What you need to do is realize that you shouldn't be living anywhere near YOUR HUSBAND, who is the one buying drugs from the neighbors! Seriously, you are blaming the neighbors?

 

I'm sorry but you need to wake up.

 

He needs to stop wanting & trying to find pills. I don't buy his excuses for using them. If his knee was that bad a doctor would have prescribed him medication but that didn't happen when he tried.

 

You are in serious denial, and/or you don't have a clue of what is really going on.

 

Your husband is an ADDICT. He's addicted to pain meds. Do you know how serious that is? Really?

 

You can't just tell him that he needs to "stop wanting and trying to find pills". Your husband needs rehabilitation, and it will take months if not years. Do you get that?

 

I cannot believe this thread was initially about CHORES, are you kidding me? You have much more serious problems than whether or not he does the dishes.

 

Just wow.

[whichwayisup]

I say this gently... You're (not intentionally though) enabling him to continue his drug addiction. This has been going on for years and nothing has been done about it.

Look into Al-Anon.

 

And yes, if he refuses to get help, go to drug rehab (that's what he needs to do, there's NO way he can quit on his own), then you leave him.

 

He hasn't suffered ANY consequences, he hasn't hit rock bottom, he's not lost anything so why should he change?

[Hope Shimmers]

I say this gently... You're (not intentionally though) enabling him to continue his drug addiction. This has been going on for years and nothing has been done about it.

Look into Al-Anon.

 

And yes, if he refuses to get help, go to drug rehab (that's what he needs to do, there's NO way he can quit on his own), then you leave him.

 

He hasn't suffered ANY consequences, he hasn't hit rock bottom, he's not lost anything so why should he change?

 

Yes... Al Anon. That's what you need. I forgot to mention that.

 

Nothing 'gently' about it WWIU. This woman needs to wake up, and now.

 

Op, your husband has a huge addiction problem and he needs inpatient drug rehab probably for months.

[beach]

And if you divorce he should not be allowed any visitation unless it's supervised - for at least a long time after he's sober - and always supervised if he hasn't been to treatment.

[TunaCat]

Serious question OP. What's more important to you: Saving your marriage or protecting your kids?

 

Spoiler alert, the MINUTE you chose to have kids was the minute their needs surpassed your wants. Choose your kids health and well being over your addict of a husband.

 

Please wake up OP. Protect your KIDS!

[Emerald_11]

 

Nothing 'gently' about it WWIU.

 

 

 

WWIU? Which Way Is Up?

I'm not sure if this is what you mean?

[beach]

WWIU? Which Way Is Up?

I'm not sure if this is what you mean?

 

Why do you always avoid answering the real issues being addressed?

 

It seems this is your pattern. It is harming you and your family.

 

You need to get busy taking action - by eliminating the man in your household putting you all at risk!

 

What do you plan to do to invoke change?

[whichwayisup]

WWIU? Which Way Is Up?

I'm not sure if this is what you mean?

 

She is referring to me, WWIU. Me speaking gently giving you my advice.

 

You love your husband and have hope. You see little changes here and there, day to day you have good days with him. The thing is (and this is recently what I discussed with a good friend of mine who's husband has a drinking problem) those little happy moments and little changes don't last long, there's slipping, lying, hiding, denying. You want to keep giving him the benefit of doubt, not really seeing the full picture here. Relive in your mind the last bunch of years - How happy have you been? How irresponsible has your H been and remember everything awful that he's done, said, acted, disappeared when you needed him. This isn't about marriage vows and staying with someone through their worst time, with addicts you can't do that. You have to leave and allow them to want to get better. Only HE can do this... Doesn't mean you have to divorce but a legal separation has to happen soon (if he doesn't start getting professional help, AA, sponsor, therapy, detox center)..

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your response. I guess he pays anywhere from $2-6 per pill (hydros or perkasets) And oxys are $30 each!! He uses a few different pills.... My husband & I discussed this and I hope he sees more clearly now how spending money on that stuff takes away from other things we really need or could be doing instead.

I did mention to him that he risks going back to jail by being involved with pills and the people who sell them. He does not want to go to jail again. I told him that I do believe "birds of a feather flock together" I got him to tell me problems he sees in the lives of his friends who use pills and tried to help him see if that is who he chooses to associate with it wont be long before your life will be like looking through a mirror at their lives.

 

 

I think we made some good progress.....but time will tell.

 

Holy crap woman, do you hear yourself.!?

 

He takes percs? This doesn't say instant " get the hell away from our kids!?"

 

I took an eighth of a perc once. Not recreationally I might add. I DO NOT use "recreational" drugs. That eighth of a perc made me feel so damn good, it cleared up my pain completely and the colours looked a little nicer too. Not all swirly or everything, but just.... nice.

 

And I crave taking percs for MONTHS after that.

 

That's how insanely addictive they are.

 

I. DO. NOT. DO. DRUGS. AND. CRAVED. PERCS. FOR. MONTHS. AFTER. HAVING. ONE. EIGHTH!

 

Seriously, he needs rehab frigging YESTERDAY!

[dreamingoftigers]

I thought about having a baby sitter come over but it would have been weird since my husband was home too....My kids were safe in their beds.

 

His pill usage will be one of the first topics we discuss in MC. I don't think he realizes that is my plan to bring it up. I know he might get mad at me but it has been going on for years. I honestly think he will need professional help if he is ever to recover from his addictions.

A long time ago he used to use methadone because a different neighbor of ours had rheumatoid arthritis & had a prescription. Things got really bad when methadone was so close to home. A good friend of ours was hanging out with my husband & the neighbor guy & overdosed one night and almost died!! I remind my husband about that all the time but now he just dismisses it as "oh he just went overboard" I don't think he considers the fact that it could have just as easily been him. Also my husband used to get so high he peed the bed!!!! (I couldn't sleep on that mattress anymore & got rid of it asap) After that went on for a while I decided I didn't want to live anywhere near that neighbor because he kept giving/selling methadone to my husband & I convinced my husband for various reasons to sell that house & move 40miles away from there. That ended it for a while but if someone is actively seeking out drugs they can find them anywhere. So it was only a temporary fix.

He needs to stop wanting & trying to find pills. I don't buy his excuses for using them. If his knee was that bad a doctor would have prescribed him medication but that didn't happen when he tried.

If he refuses treatment for this very serious issue it will be the end of our marriage.

 

If you can't get an American doctor to give you 10,000 painkillers for a hurting leg, that means that it is not that bad.

 

In fact, that whole argument is completely ridiculous.

 

Does he check the doses and accuracy of the meds. Hah! He smokes them for cripes sakes!

 

YOU ARE LIVING WITH AN ACTIVE DRUG ADDICT!

 

My husband used to steal my dexedrine. (I have it for ADD)

 

It was completely retarded. I had to hide my own medication FOR MY BRAIN TO FUNCTION from my spouse. That got old quick. They don't change. In my experience. They stop for a bit, then they get selfish in some other way because they can't cope worth *****. They only think about themselves and not how it affects anyone else, or else they wouldn't be doing drugs!

[bathtub-row]

If I'm remembering this story correctly, I don't think this man is the father of her children. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

In the original post about him, I pointed out that he was self-centered and highly immature. My opinion has not changed. Men target women like this because they know they'll keep making excuses for them. I can save you the suspense, Emerald, and let you know that this guy will never change. He'll put on an act here and there in order to keep you hooked but, the real truth is, what you see is what you've got -- a childish, immature, self-centered brat who's a manipulative drug addict. Congratulations!

[Emerald_11]

He is the father actually.....

He originally said he was ok about marriage counseling but now he is saying he wants to call his counselor he went to a while back instead. I told him we are keeping our appointment next week until we have an appointment where ever he wants to go....hopefully he still goes with me like he says he will.

 

 

Since we had another BIG talk about his pill use/issues, he now tries to hide it from me. I let him know I still can tell when he is sniffing pills. It is totally obvious when he is sniffling a lot. & its frustrating because when he does pills sometimes he has issues getting it on....They affect his sexual ability...Not that he is doing anything to make me feel like doing that anyways...

 

 

Another reoccurring argument we have is about who gets to sleep in......& who should get up with the kids & get them ready for school. Of course he usually sleeps in on days when he doesn't have any work. I work & go to school six days a week & only have one day off a week. Two of the days during the week I have don't have to be to my classes until the afternoon but he refuses to get up and help the kids & get them off to school so I can rest. So I still have to get up with them those days too. I get sleep envy sometimes when I see him still in bed while I am the responsible one who gets up to take care of the kids. He says he deserves to sleep in because he works out of town & that is fine but its just not fair that he sleeps in & I never get to.

Sometimes I will try to take a nap before school if I am tired but it could be better if he would permit me to just stay in bed a little while longer...I just really need a break. I admit I do get sort of cranky sometimes when I don't get enough sleep. He always tries to get me to stay up late with him but I just don't think it is worth it....We are on totally different sleeping schedules. I think all the pills and beer every night probably make it hard for him to wake up in the mornings.

He thinks we just need to buy a new bed with our tax money to solve that problem so we can sleep better. He just does not get how tired I really am. A new bed wont fix this.

I sort of want to tell him we should just split the tax money 50/50 & go our separate ways....But I want to hear what the therapist will have to say about all of this first.

[beach]

Do you plan to tell the therapist about your H snorting prescription medicine and having a beer after breakfast?

 

That is not normal behavior unless a person is addicted.

 

I vote yes, split the tax money and be free of his terrible behavior.

[beach]

This article may interest you:

 

 

 

Signs & Symptoms of Prescription Pain Reliever Abuse

[beach]

What's your update?