sidney2718 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Should I tell all of my close friends that don't already know? I mean I've had a couple friends call me this weekend that don't already know, and I don't know how I could possibly act normal on the phone, so I've ignored the calls. Some of my friends know and have reached out to help. I haven't been able to answer those calls either. Be a bit selfish. What do you gain by having everyone know? Especially if you decide to try to stay together. 1
sidney2718 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 She saying that she is absolutely done with him (of course she has to say that no matter what at this point) and wants to try and make the marriage work, but she's very unsure that it's possible because she doesn't think I have the personality to ever be able to trust her again. She's probably right, but the love for my kids could help me try. I'd tell her not to worry yet about the end of the road, but instead attempt to get on the road to reconciliation.
sidney2718 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 To be clear, she hasn't been giving me any excuses about why she did this. She keeps saying that she is truly trying to figure out how it all happened. The me being too controlling and talking down to her were things that we fought about a lot. I know you can never blame yourself for a spouse cheating, but if I'm being honest with myself, I never properly listened and addressed those feelings she constantly spoke to me about. It can be an easy slide from friendship to a physical affair. Yes, it is her responsibility, but often when folks are needy, they are internally looking for attention and affection and not thinking at all about you. And you are right. You missed the big signals right there. This is a major area of difficulty and YOU need to work on it. Being controlling is a sign of needing certainty in life. You can't really have that ever. And talking down is another. If you decide to attempt to reconcile, you might well seek an IC for help with those things.
Zenstudent Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 In order to be helped in any way you need to decide what you want to do. Do you want a divorce? In that case the road is clear, but painful. Your next step is to contact a lawyer and take it from there. If you do NOT want a divorce, things are more complex. You will probably not trust her in the same way ever again. But it doesn't mean that you can't be happy together. And when folks tell you that "once a cheater, always a cheater" you have to understand that this isn't true at all So she has a choice---she can divorce you or go back to her AP. And you have a choice. But if you want to save your marriage, you need to work WITH her to do that. You will probably both have to make changes. And you will have the job of winning her back. Yes, you read me correctly. Love is not a switch that can get flipped on and off. Right now it is mostly off. You need it on. You will have to romance her. But NOT now. It isn't that simple. First she has to commit to saving the marriage. She has to be transparent. She has to be so open about what she is doing and where she is going that you can't help but believing her. And you have to be able to talk to each other openly and cleanly. No hiding, no minimizing, no secrets for EITHER of you. And you always have to treat her with the respect due another living breathing human being who is the mother of your children. THEN and only then can the romancing begin. You may feel that she doesn't deserve it. Certainly some folks here will tell you that. But you need to think about the future. Saving your marriage means getting to the position where you are not only open with each other and transparent, but where she is deeply emotionally involved with you and you with her. Yes, this process may fail. Both of you know that. But if you both try, it can be done. And if it doesn't work you will have peace because you will know you gave it your best shot. First; he only found out yesterday - very few betrayed know what they want the day after disaster-day. Second; the above bolded is key. I think you got it backwards. Open and honest communication... that would be nice, but even if it is the truth you get, you can't really believe it, in case you can't verify it. You won't be able to separate truth from lies anymore. That's the future. Honesty went out the window for good. The only thing you really can do is to work hard to be 100% the man you want to be, decide if you want your marriage or not, and please, let her do the work to win you back. 1
harrybrown Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 She left you when you were having this emotional bomb hit you? She is selfish and that is why she had the A. She did more than you know. She is sugar coating things with Mom. Did she tell her Mom what she did? You should have her write you a timeline and diary of the A. She should be the one to make appointments for counseling. She should try to see what she can do to make this better for you, not for her to go see Mom. Have you had her tested for stds? Have her sign an agreement that she will leave you with the house and kids and she will pay child support. Have her answer the questions about why she did not stop when the neighbors talked to her. Sorry you are having this horrible experience. Why did she not stay to make sure that you did not commit suicide from her "A" bomb on your marriage? Call her Mom and see what she has told her already about her A. She went away with the kids. How do you know she did not go to the OM's place?
onemanband Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Sometime you need someone to be the voice of reason because right now you don't have your head on straight, think of your family before you have any Rambo thoughts best of luck
troubadour Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I wouldn't let her back in the house just yet. It's her house too and she can go there whenever she wants. The OP can't stop her from doing it.
JS84 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I'm not saying change the locks and try to forcefully prevent her from coming back, but I'd ask her to keep her distance for awhile longer.
thummper Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 So, AMM, how are things going between you and your lady today? What kind of chat did you have when she returned home from her mom's house? I wonder if, at the time she was cavorting with the OM, she really didn't see how wrong it all was. Women oft times get carried away with all of the extra attention and their common sense disappears. Yes indeed, "fog" is a good analogy for their state of mind. Good luck to you both in getting this worked out.
Chi townD Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Some things to consider. Most of the time, cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. If the only thing you can prove is that they were having inappropriate texting and meeting up a few times without anything physical indicated, then that's what they'll admit to you. You'll find that when a cheater is caught, THEY start asking YOU a lot of questions because they want to know what exactly YOU know. When a cheater confesses, they usually tell you the bare minimum so it doesn't seem as bad as what truly happened. I mean, you're already seeing it. She told you NOTHING physical happened; yet, she confesses she kissed the guy. This is call trickle truth. It could be her idea of a "kiss" is what the rest of us would consider a full make out session. You just don't know at this point. 2
thummper Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Blown away. I couldn't even pretend that I didn't find the text messages. I lost it. This has been the most difficult 24 hours of my entire life. She's been talking to this guy for about 6 months. Visits him, goes for walks, and she claims they have done absolutely nothing physical. I would never in a million years believe that, for starters I can't believe this is even happening, except for the fact that in my detective work exposing this, I found a recent email with them discussing how happy they are that they are able to spend time together without either one of them making physical advances. She claims that she has kissed him a few times. None of the hundreds of texts mention anything physically flirty or sexual. Of course being a man, I still don't buy it. I know that Emotional Affairs can exist without getting physical, but I just can't get past this part and I don't believe it. I know that a lot of people feel like Emotional Affairs are more devastating than physical ones, but I don't know about that for me. I feel like if I knew for sure they were having sex, it would be 100 times more tragic for me. Not saying that I'm not still crushed, and I don't know what I'll do with my life now. I still love her. I want to be SUPER angry at her, but I'm more just crushed and hurt. I can't even imagine how I'm going to go back to work on Monday. I have an extremely busy week, and the thought of it with this on my mind seems beyond impossible. Thanks for listening. Feel free to ask any questions that you think might be good for me to be thinking about. I'll add that I certainly don't feel like I'm a perfect husband, but I thought things were pretty good, but maybe I was in denial. She feels that I'm too controlling and that I talk down to her too much. I'm not saying that I'm never guilty of that, but she has also had depression and low self esteem her entire life. I've stuck by her through so much of this mental health stuff, but part of me is blaming myself for this, which I know is another one of those things they say you should never do. She claims that they have done nothing physical, and yet claims that they have kissed a few times. I wonder exactly what her definition of "physical" is. Sounds pretty physical to me. How does she explain that? 1
HereNorThere Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Total trickle truth, but it will start coming together if you want the real truth. You have enough information now that you will be able to put everything together if you're brave enough. Time to ask her to take polygraph and schedule one. Don't just talk about it, be about. It doesn't even matter if you go through with it, it's more about her reaction when you demand she take it. Otherwise, buy some condoms and OM's favorite snacks, get him his own tooth brush holder for the bathroom and accept this happening now. Maybe you guys can alternate weekends or something? Thanksgiving with your family, Christmas with his, etc. Like a joint custody wife or something.
No Limit Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Trickle truthing and continuing to lie, get the divorce proceedings going and spare yourself the time for fake reconciliation to do something more productive with your lifetime, like moving on for a start.
thummper Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Come on, AMM, don't disappear on us. Let us know how she's dealing with this whole situation.
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