Found out yesterday wife is cheating

[SycamoreCircle]

I would get out of there. You've been put in a very precarious position and I'm afraid you won't make the right move. It's just too much of an emotional circumstance.

 

Go stay with a friend or family member for a day or two. Work on a strategy.

[elaine567]

Make sure your children are not in earshot, and do not include them in all of this drama.

Once you both have a plan for the future, you can sit them down and tell them calmly.

Try and keep their lives as normal as possible in the meantime.

I hope your wife left them with her parents.

[pheonixrisen]

She saying that she is absolutely done with him (of course she has to say that no matter what at this point) and wants to try and make the marriage work, but she's very unsure that it's possible because she doesn't think I have the personality to ever be able to trust her again. She's probably right, but the love for my kids could help me try.

 

of course you will not be able to trust her now or who knows if forever ...its 3 years since dday and I don't trust my h and he knows and says he understands his action caused the trust issue and says he is going to spend his life trying to rebuild the lost trust ...I don't trust his words the above included I just go by his actions ....and my h also understands that I may not trust him ever again ....

 

She needs to do the work to earn your trust ...she needs to fight for you your family the marriage everything ...she needs to prove to you she is worthy to stay in this marriage for ..

you are in shock now after a few days the anger settles in ..and that is hell place to be in ...when I was angry I made his life a living hell. ...what made me stay was because of the work he was putting in ..(I had my exit planned) no matter what I said and did to him ..He stood his ground , stood firm and did not waver .. to save the marriage was his priority..

 

you are just getting started ...this rollercoaster gets way worse ..its hard to focus on anything ...if you don't have a partner all in for the struggle you are going to go through ...you will be suffering alone ....The why of the affair does not make your pain less ..

 

but it does get better ..its 3 years for me ..and we are closer and stronger than ever ...It was a lot of hard work to get to this place and we continue to put in everyday...

[pheonixrisen]

Two more questions and then I'm taking a break from posting. I will absolutely be reading your responses though and thank you so much to everyone!!!

 

1.) What do I make of the fact that she was ok being seen in public with him? He lives in a small town only 10 minutes away, and now that all of this has come out, I'm already hearing that people saw them on walks together, at a restaurant, and at a HS football game. I know I'm probably reading into things too much, but what would that mean to you? I'm floored that she would be that brave!

 

2.) She'll be home in a few minutes and there's a ton of info in this thread to dig through. Based on everything I've told you, what are a list of questions you would be asking today?? I feel like I don't even know where to start.

 

Thanks again to everyone.

 

There is a lot of things that she did would hurt and bother you during the affair ....my h affair was during the financial crash ..We lost everything and moved further from the city ..There was no way I was driving to city unless I really had something to do their ..He was having an open affair in the city ..going out etc..I was hurt by this . ...It meant a lot to me 3 years ago I was devastated ,now ...its things he did during his affair ...and nothing more ...We have re committed to the marriage

 

2.i did not have a specific set of question ..I asked what ever I wanted to know ..A 100 times in 100 different ways ..and he answered all of them everyday till we exhausted the topic ...and then one day I stopped asking and started healing ...His whys of the affair never changed...His details of the affair went from trickle truth to more details ..

[aliveagain]

She's at her mom's house with the kids right now, but coming home today She said that she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." She's definitely at least showing a lot of remorse or regret. It might be more regret.

 

How would you respond to her saying she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." The tired, worn out me, also reads this as "I need time to think about whether or not I'm going to end this affair."

 

Friend, this is her attempt to get you to rug sweep the affair. It is her way of threatening you that unless you let it go and never bring it up again she may leave. All this will get you is her affair going underground and hidden from you better. No, the best thing for you to say is that you are taking your 3 children and yourself out of infidelity and it doesn't have to include her. Remember you caught her, had you not they would still be going to restaurants and football games in plain site of everyone.

 

It is up to her to prove that she wants the marriage and more specifically you over other man and not the other way around. Tell her you are uncertain as to what your path will be but her actions and not her words will influence your decisions. Once you make a demand, defend it, do not move the line you have drawn in the sand. Stay strong, she knows without a doubt that what she was doing was wrong or she wouldn't have hidden it from you. Make sure that her parents know the truth and not some minimized version. I wouldn't tell the world at this point specially if you want reconciliation, tell only those with influence over her.

[pheonixrisen]

Friend, this is her attempt to get you to rug sweep the affair. It is her way of threatening you that unless you let it go and never bring it up again she may leave. All this will get you is her affair going underground and hidden from you better. No, the best thing for you to say is that you are taking your 3 children and yourself out of infidelity and it doesn't have to include her. Remember you caught her, had you not they would still be going to restaurants and football games in plain site of everyone.

 

It is up to her to prove that she wants the marriage and more specifically you over other man and not the other way around. Tell her you are uncertain as to what your path will be but her actions and not her words will influence your decisions. Once you make a demand, defend it, do not move the line you have drawn in the sand. Stay strong, she knows without a doubt that what she was doing was wrong or she wouldn't have hidden it from you. Make sure that her parents know the truth and not some minimized version. I wouldn't tell the world at this point specially if you want reconciliation, tell only those with influence over her.

 

I agree let her parents know ...for others friends etc...If you plan to stay and reconcile ..its best not to shout it out from roof top ...

 

But it's your choice to stay or go ....NOT HERS ...she should be working her ass of to keep you ...do not take blame for any part of the affair ...she will try ....tell her what you want and if she wavers ask her to leave ...you need to be tough or she will treat you like a doormat ...

[aliveagain]

Just one more point, hold her accountable. Do not let her call her affair a mistake, mistakes are when you turn left on a street when you should have turned right. Affairs, specially those that have been going on for 6 months require a lot of planning. Every time she went to a restaurant or football game with him she had to make sure you or someone else was watching your children. That required lying to you about where she was. Did she include your children in her affair, did she have playdates with other man and his children?

[AMM2015]

It's totally appropriate to grill my neighbor about everything else he knows, correct? I mean I know it's appropriate, but would you be doing that right now?? I'm just afraid that it will turn into an argument because I'm so pissed he didn't tell me. He and his wife did confront her 2 months ago and she didn't stop. I think that says a lot.

[elaine567]

It's totally appropriate to grill my neighbor about everything else he knows, correct? I mean I know it's appropriate, but would you be doing that right now?? I'm just afraid that it will turn into an argument because I'm so pissed he didn't tell me. He and his wife did confront her 2 months ago and she didn't stop. I think that says a lot.

 

Grill may not be the right word, ask your neighbour.

It is often difficult for those outwith the marriage to take sides, at least they did tell her to stop the affair.

Do not blame them, few want to get involved in other people's business.

[aliveagain]

Many people just don't want to get involved. If you considered them friends than yes, they should have reached out to you with their concerns. Does that mean that other man was in your house enough to cause suspicion from your neighbour?

 

You need a timeline of events written by her of everything that has happened. I think there is more to this, most O/M don't stick around for 6 months if they meet several times a week and only had the occasional kiss. Hope I am wrong. Did she include your children in her affair?

[AMM2015]

Many people just don't want to get involved. If you considered them friends than yes, they should have reached out to you with their concerns. Does that mean that other man was in your house enough to cause suspicion from your neighbour?

 

You need a timeline of events written by her of everything that has happened. I think there is more to this, most O/M don't stick around for 6 months if they meet several times a week and only had the occasional kiss. Hope I am wrong. Did she include your children in her affair?

 

The neighbor knows this guy and his group of friends very well. That's where she initially met him.

[Buckeye2]

She saying that she is absolutely done with him (of course she has to say that nomatter what at this point) and wants to try and make the marriage work, but she's very unsure that it's possible because she doesn't think I have the personalityto ever be able to trust her again. She's probably right, but the love for mykids could help me try.

 

 

Don’t let her place the difficulty of reconciliation on your personality. Total blind trust would be gone forever no matter what your personality was. Before this if you accused her of an affair she could respond with righteous indignation “How dare you. What kind of woman do you think I am?” From now on you can answer “We both know what kind of woman you are.”

 

 

She's definitely atleast showing a lot of remorse or regret. It might be more regret.

 

 

This is the problem. After getting caught her emotions are very real but what are they in response to. Some people take all the crying as proof of remorse when they are cryingfor themselves and their life being disrupted.

 

 

What do I make of the fact that she was ok being seen in public with him? Helives in a small town only 10 minutes away, and now that all of this has comeout, I'm already hearing that people saw them on walks together, at a restaurant, and at a HS football game.

 

 

Use the term “openly dating” when you discuss this with your wife. In the old days you could date and not have sex so I think it’s accurate even if your wife is telling the truth about sex. “You were openly dating another man.”

 

 

I can't even imagine how I'm going to go back to work on Monday. I have an extremely busy week, and the thought of it with this on my mind seems beyond impossible.

 

 

That’s why you should tell people at work what’s going on. You need their support and understanding. It seems like everyone is going to find out anyway due to the “open dating.”

 

 

Even if you’re 100% going to take her backyou need to make this real for her now. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your marriage as a doormat.

 

 

Look up the 180 and do it. Put divorce on the table. Ask her to get tested for STDs. Even kissing isn’t 100% safe. Herpetic cold sore anyone?

 

 

It's totally appropriate to grill my neighbor about everythingelse he knows, correct? I mean I know it's appropriate, but would you be doingthat right now?? I'm just afraid that it will turn into an argument because I'mso pissed he didn't tell me. He and his wife did confront her 2 months ago andshe didn't stop. I think that says a lot.

 

 

Talk to your neighbor only if you can control yourself. Otherwise a source of information will permanently dry up. Promise yourself that you will be friendly no matter what they say. You want them to feel sorry for you, not be afraid or you. If you’re an a$$ hole they won’t blame your wife for what she did.

 

 

Play the victim just trying to understand. If you’re angry they will think that anything they tell you might cause yopu to attack your wife. If start to loose it thank them and so home.

[elaine567]

The neighbor knows this guy and his group of friends very well. That's where she initially met him.

 

Divided loyalty.

I don't think you should fall out with your neighbour, he or his wife, may be able to tell you if they pick up the affair again.

[AMM2015]

This isn't meant to start controversy, but I'm wondering what you would do? I absolutely need to see counselor in the morning. Does the gender of the counselor have any impact on how helpful it might be? I know this would vary for different people, but a big part of me feels like a male counselor would be better given the circumstances. Over thinking it?

[aliveagain]

Sounds like the group knows what has been going on, O/M may have told some of them, sometimes they just brag. I take it she attended some of their gatherings. All these people need to be gone, they are not friends of your marriage. Your neighbours must be better friends with O/M than with you. Have a heart to heart with your neighbours, tell them your trying to save your marriage but you need to know how deep the rabbit hole is and you can't trust your wife to tell you the entire truth right now. The neighbours wife may be more inclined to help you if you ask her for help.

 

Please remember, these people owe you nothing and by withholding the information from you they facilitated the affair. Your real issue is with your wife, all she had to do is shut him down.

[Buckeye2]

Have a heart to heart with your neighbours, tell them your trying to save your marriage but you need to know how deep the rabbit hole is and you can't trust your wife to tell you the entire truth right now. The neighbours wife may be more inclined to help you if you ask her for help.

 

Pure gold.

[sandylee1]

AMM

When she walks in the door hand her the rest of her things in garbage bags.

 

 

HM

 

Let's remember she has the same legal rights to the home as he does.

[elaine567]

This isn't meant to start controversy, but I'm wondering what you would do? I absolutely need to see counselor in the morning. Does the gender of the counselor have any impact on how helpful it might be? I know this would vary for different people, but a big part of me feels like a male counselor would be better given the circumstances. Over thinking it?

 

If this is IC for you, then you may have to see a few to get one that suits you.

[road]

Two more questions and then I'm taking a break from posting. I will absolutely be reading your responses though and thank you so much to everyone!!!

 

1.) What do I make of the fact that she was ok being seen in public with him? He lives in a small town only 10 minutes away, and now that all of this has come out, I'm already hearing that people saw them on walks together, at a restaurant, and at a HS football game. I know I'm probably reading into things too much, but what would that mean to you? I'm floored that she would be that brave!

 

2.) She'll be home in a few minutes and there's a ton of info in this thread to dig through. Based on everything I've told you, what are a list of questions you would be asking today?? I feel like I don't even know where to start.

 

Thanks again to everyone.

 

 

 

If you want to recover your marriage one of the things you will need to do is move your family far away. There will be too many reminders there to keep triggering you for the rest of your life.

[road]

AMM2015, how did your WW meet the OM and start her affair?

[beach]

Is your W still involved with that group that she was with while she cheated?

 

If she's showing regret but not much remorse that's a concern for your well being...and you have a lot more to consider.

 

Gender of a counselor doesn't much matter - as long as they help you sift through the crap, denial and lies to discover what's best for YOU.

 

 

If it were me - I'd need my spouse to stay far away for a long while so I could get a clear mind to think straight without further lies and manipulation. I'd also want to be considering what consequences might hurt my spouse "enough" to bring forth some form of honesty and effort to at least know if I should consider divorce or repairing the broken marriage...based on what my spouse is doing or not doing to repair what was caused by him/her.

[No Limit]

Sounds like you've been the fool in town. I'm sorry OP.

Expose her and then divorce as quickly as you can. Let her earn your trust, not the other way around.

[aliveagain]

Had to drive into the city and just got back. I thought about your situation as I drove and a couple of things bother me about what you have posted that makes me believe even more that she is still withholding from you.

 

 

1. Why is she not afraid to be seen with O/M in public?

 

 

2. Why did she continue her affair when your neighbours confronted her with their concerns about her affair with O/M?

 

 

Most waywards would be worried about discovery, why wasn't she? If your neighbours confronted her about O/M why wasn't she worried they would tell you? Something isn't right about her actions, this is why I keep asking if she and O/M had play dates that included your children? I still have a hard time with them seeing each other that many times a week for 6 months and only minor amounts of kissing took place. What if more happened, will that change your position? If she is back home have you discussed sleeping arrangements? Decide on what it is you really want than commit yourself to that end. It won't work if your the only one committed. Watch her actions, a remorseful wayward spouse acts a lot different than a regretful one.

[Mal78]

In respect to talking to your neighbors just let them know you are just looking for a time line as you are trying to figure things out for the next step.

 

Yes you are angry with them. However they didn't ignore it, both the husband *and* wife spoke to your wife. They were concerned and I image they encouraged her to do the right thing. Please be easy on them and set the fact they knew aside. Most people find it very difficult to be the messenger of devastating news. Believe they were tortured by it and would feel tremendous relief to address any questions you have.

[sidney2718]

She's saying that a huge part of this is that she knows deep down that I will never trust her again and she can't handle the thought of that. Yes, this is her fault for that.

 

She said she would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. She swears that all contact and communication are now done, but what else could she possibly say at this point? Before this all got exposed on Friday, I was supposed to take the two oldest kids to a tubing place later today. I'm guessing that having ridiculous paranoia about her being here without me is normal?

 

In order to be helped in any way you need to decide what you want to do. Do you want a divorce? In that case the road is clear, but painful. Your next step is to contact a lawyer and take it from there.

 

If you do NOT want a divorce, things are more complex. You will probably not trust her in the same way ever again. But it doesn't mean that you can't be happy together. And when folks tell you that "once a cheater, always a cheater" you have to understand that this isn't true at all

 

So she has a choice---she can divorce you or go back to her AP. And you have a choice. But if you want to save your marriage, you need to work WITH her to do that. You will probably both have to make changes. And you will have the job of winning her back. Yes, you read me correctly. Love is not a switch that can get flipped on and off. Right now it is mostly off. You need it on. You will have to romance her.

 

But NOT now. It isn't that simple. First she has to commit to saving the marriage. She has to be transparent. She has to be so open about what she is doing and where she is going that you can't help but believing her. And you have to be able to talk to each other openly and cleanly. No hiding, no minimizing, no secrets for EITHER of you.

 

And you always have to treat her with the respect due another living breathing human being who is the mother of your children.

 

THEN and only then can the romancing begin. You may feel that she doesn't deserve it. Certainly some folks here will tell you that. But you need to think about the future. Saving your marriage means getting to the position where you are not only open with each other and transparent, but where she is deeply emotionally involved with you and you with her.

 

Yes, this process may fail. Both of you know that. But if you both try, it can be done. And if it doesn't work you will have peace because you will know you gave it your best shot.