whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 So when I found this out yesterday, I sent this guy 1 text. It read: "This is her husband. I know what's going on. It stops now. You just ruined the lives of three young kids" That last part might come off as dramatic, but I wanted some kind of emotion to be in the text. Should I send another text about being serious that he better not come around my family or contact my wife? I realize this would have to be VERY carefully worded so that it could never be interpreted as a threat. Leave it at that for now. IS he married? If so, you can say, maybe you need to worry about your own wife and leave MINE alone. Soon you'll be dealing with your own fallout with your wife and family. *you need to tell his wife if he is married too* She deserves to know the truth. Also, two pairs of eyes are better than one, chances of contact resuming and the affair continuing is less when both betrayed spouses are aware.
Lion Heart Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 So when I found this out yesterday, I sent this guy 1 text. It read: "This is her husband. I know what's going on. It stops now. You just ruined the lives of three young kids" That last part might come off as dramatic, but I wanted some kind of emotion to be in the text. Should I send another text about being serious that he better not come around my family or contact my wife? I realize this would have to be VERY carefully worded so that it could never be interpreted as a threat. Dear AMM, So sorry you're here. YOU don't send the text. Your WW must break all contact. This A / EA or whatever is HER relationship. Not yours. That's the creepy part. If she doesn't then your marriage has no fidelity. No integrity. It doesn't IMO anyway now. But if she wants to stay with you. She must. IF WW agrees to NC. You write a script TOGETHER for her to follow. She can phone him on speaker phone with you present and be VERY CLEAR AND FINAL. If she starts to cry during the phone call end it. If I were you I'd be very clear about this. NC IN EVERY WAY. Get all passwords to everything. You may find out alot more. Check credit card statements etc. Bank records showing atm access points. She destroys her old phone and gets a new number. You get a GPS on her new phone. If OM is married, this is where you come in. Expose him to his wife. WW HAS TO KNOW YOU ARE DEADLY SERIOUS about everything. No smokescreening. I had 6 weeks leave from my D Day and could barely manage when I did return to work. I'm 11w 6d past D Day now. I did alot! Took all my money and equity from the house and deposited in to an account in my name only. Split every bill (twins braces etc), organized my exit plan down to the last letter. New house, offloading stuff. WH saw his life and 3 children disappearing before his very eyes. BECAUSE DIVORCE was and still is the most likely path. No amount of crying, not coping etc made an ounce of difference until I did the 180. It gives you strength. Best wishes Lion Heart. 1
aliveagain Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Blown away. I couldn't even pretend that I didn't find the text messages. I lost it. This has been the most difficult 24 hours of my entire life. She's been talking to this guy for about 6 months. Visits him, goes for walks, and she claims they have done absolutely nothing physical. I would never in a million years believe that, for starters I can't believe this is even happening, except for the fact that in my detective work exposing this, I found a recent email with them discussing how happy they are that they are able to spend time together without either one of them making physical advances. She claims that she has kissed him a few times. None of the hundreds of texts mention anything physically flirty or sexual. Of course being a man, I still don't buy it. I know that Emotional Affairs can exist without getting physical, but I just can't get past this part and I don't believe it. I know that a lot of people feel like Emotional Affairs are more devastating than physical ones, but I don't know about that for me. I feel like if I knew for sure they were having sex, it would be 100 times more tragic for me. Not saying that I'm not still crushed, and I don't know what I'll do with my life now. I still love her. I want to be SUPER angry at her, but I'm more just crushed and hurt. I can't even imagine how I'm going to go back to work on Monday. I have an extremely busy week, and the thought of it with this on my mind seems beyond impossible. Thanks for listening. Feel free to ask any questions that you think might be good for me to be thinking about. I'll add that I certainly don't feel like I'm a perfect husband, but I thought things were pretty good, but maybe I was in denial. She feels that I'm too controlling and that I talk down to her too much. I'm not saying that I'm never guilty of that, but she has also had depression and low self esteem her entire life. I've stuck by her through so much of this mental health stuff, but part of me is blaming myself for this, which I know is another one of those things they say you should never do. Friend, to be clear, kissing is physical and often includes the exchange of saliva. You don't need penetration in order to share bodily fluids or to be in contact with an STD. She is in damage control and very likely minimizing the extent of their contact. Independent counselling for her should be a requirement of any reconciliation, she needs to discover why she needs validation from other men and why validation from you isn't enough. How long have you been married to her? Do you have children with her? Other man needs to be gone now and forever, they can't be friends. You are your strongest at time of confrontation, tell her your requirements for reconciliation and your boundaries that you expect her to honour. you need to make it clear that she is free to continue seeing the O/M, just not as your wife.
sandylee1 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 OP it's not about the age or even looks of the OM. It's the complements he pays her, the things he says to her and the attention from him. They present the best of each other during the affair, so it's really not true to life. She can do no wrong in his eyes and vice versa, but it's based on stolen moments. The affair is a fantasy, but can be a living hell once uncovered. Is she remorseful? Does she want to remain in the marriage? How is she going to try and regain your trust? Recommended reading for her is 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair '. If you both want to work on your marriage, then MC is recommended. Good Luck. 1
Author AMM2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 She's at her mom's house with the kids right now, but coming home today She said that she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." She's definitely at least showing a lot of remorse or regret. It might be more regret. How would you respond to her saying she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." The tired, worn out me, also reads this as "I need time to think about whether or not I'm going to end this affair."
BetrayedH Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Or she may need to get away from you so she can get her stoey straight with the OM. You are an interference with her fantasy. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 How long has it been since the "we haven't done anything physical" text? Things can progress pretty rapidly from there.
happyman64 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 She's at her mom's house with the kids right now, but coming home today She said that she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." She's definitely at least showing a lot of remorse or regret. It might be more regret. How would you respond to her saying she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." The tired, worn out me, also reads this as "I need time to think about whether or not I'm going to end this affair." AMM When she walks in the door hand her the rest of her things in garbage bags. Tell her she can take as much time as she needs to keep screwing around. Then tell her you will be moving forward in life and making decisions with respect to your future, marriage and family. Get tough. Or she will keep walking all over you. Her time to think about you was before she cheated. HM 1
1040 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) She's at her mom's house with the kids right now, but coming home today She said that she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." She's definitely at least showing a lot of remorse or regret. It might be more regret. How would you respond to her saying she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." The tired, worn out me, also reads this as "I need time to think about whether or not I'm going to end this affair." SHE DOESN'T GET TO "THINK ABOUT IT." She does what you say, 100%, or you kick her ass out. Take control, man. Edited March 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed eternal link~T
Author AMM2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 How long has it been since the "we haven't done anything physical" text? Things can progress pretty rapidly from there. About a month ago. From everything I have exposed, it looks like they were seeing each other in person 5 or 6 times a month.
Author AMM2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 She's saying that a huge part of this is that she knows deep down that I will never trust her again and she can't handle the thought of that. Yes, this is her fault for that. She said she would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. She swears that all contact and communication are now done, but what else could she possibly say at this point? Before this all got exposed on Friday, I was supposed to take the two oldest kids to a tubing place later today. I'm guessing that having ridiculous paranoia about her being here without me is normal? I told myself last night that I would somehow get the strength today to not disappoint my boys and take them tubing. I haven't slept/eaten in two days, and the thought of taking them today seems impossible now. I know it would probably be good for me, but it feels daunting right now.
Author AMM2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 Should I tell all of my close friends that don't already know? I mean I've had a couple friends call me this weekend that don't already know, and I don't know how I could possibly act normal on the phone, so I've ignored the calls. Some of my friends know and have reached out to help. I haven't been able to answer those calls either.
pheonixrisen Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 If she is away she is finding ways to contact the om ....what ever happened to thinking at home? ... Take what she says with a pinch of salt ..its only her action you can go by ...If you see an Un remorseful attitude you might want to consider the 180 to protect your mental health ... Read this link you dont want to go down this route ...protect your self and your children http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/516688-trying-reconcile-update As for the om...There is no point in sending him msgs ...If he cared about you or your kids he would not be enabling an affair in the first place... You haven't said what your wife wants ? Does she wants to stay in m ....If yes she needs to give you total transparency.
Author AMM2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 If she is away she is finding ways to contact the om ....what ever happened to thinking at home? ... Take what she says with a pinch of salt ..its only her action you can go by ...If you see an Un remorseful attitude you might want to consider the 180 to protect your mental health ... Read this link you dont want to go down this route ...protect your self and your children http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/516688-trying-reconcile-update As for the om...There is no point in sending him msgs ...If he cared about you or your kids he would not be enabling an affair in the first place... You haven't said what your wife wants ? Does she wants to stay in m ....If yes she needs to give you total transparency. She saying that she is absolutely done with him (of course she has to say that no matter what at this point) and wants to try and make the marriage work, but she's very unsure that it's possible because she doesn't think I have the personality to ever be able to trust her again. She's probably right, but the love for my kids could help me try. 2
Author AMM2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 How can you ever actually get to the root of the problem of why this happened though? I mean he definitely initiated the communication on Facebook, but she took the bait. Seems like it could be impossible to ever figure out why she did that.
Satu Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 She saying that she is absolutely done with him (of course she has to say that no matter what at this point) and wants to try and make the marriage work, but she's very unsure that it's possible because *she doesn't think I have the personality to ever be able to trust her again. She's probably right, but the love for my kids could help me try. *Thats her shifting the focus onto you to evade responsibilty for what she's done. Don't let her get away with that. 2
SycamoreCircle Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 She saying that she is absolutely done with him (of course she has to say that no matter what at this point) and wants to try and make the marriage work, but she's very unsure that it's possible because she doesn't think I have the personality to ever be able to trust her again. She's probably right, but the love for my kids could help me try.She wants to try and make the marriage work? She had that option BEFORE she was meeting OM five to six times a month. Kick her a$$ to the curb. Everything she's done up to this point is about buying time and saving face. Once your jets cool and the dust settles, she'll be back to her deceitful ways. Cheaters ALWAYS make choices which give you but ONE option. I'm sorry.
Mal78 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Blown away. I couldn't even pretend that I didn't find the text messages. I lost it. This has been the most difficult 24 hours of my entire life. She's been talking to this guy for about 6 months. Visits him, goes for walks, and she claims they have done absolutely nothing physical. I would never in a million years believe that, for starters I can't believe this is even happening, except for the fact that in my detective work exposing this, I found a recent email with them discussing how happy they are that they are able to spend time together without either one of them making physical advances. She claims that she has kissed him a few times. None of the hundreds of texts mention anything physically flirty or sexual. Of course being a man, I still don't buy it. I know that Emotional Affairs can exist without getting physical, but I just can't get past this part and I don't believe it. I know that a lot of people feel like Emotional Affairs are more devastating than physical ones, but I don't know about that for me. I feel like if I knew for sure they were having sex, it would be 100 times more tragic for me. Not saying that I'm not still crushed, and I don't know what I'll do with my life now. I still love her. I want to be SUPER angry at her, but I'm more just crushed and hurt. I can't even imagine how I'm going to go back to work on Monday. I have an extremely busy week, and the thought of it with this on my mind seems beyond impossible. Thanks for listening. Feel free to ask any questions that you think might be good for me to be thinking about. I'll add that I certainly don't feel like I'm a perfect husband, but I thought things were pretty good, but maybe I was in denial. She feels that I'm too controlling and that I talk down to her too much. I'm not saying that I'm never guilty of that, but she has also had depression and low self esteem her entire life. I've stuck by her through so much of this mental health stuff, but part of me is blaming myself for this, which I know is another one of those things they say you should never do. If this (what I highlighted in bold) was what she answered when you asked her why then she is beyond invested in OM otherwise she would have not had an excuse. These are things you bring up in conversation with your spouse *before* you decide to cheat not use it as an excuse to cheat. You are NOT to blame. I'm truly sorry for this devastating news.
Nawlins Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 AMM, IMO what’s important here is to ask what you want/need in order to reconcile? Make a list of those items and share them with her; especially the items you need to trust her again if she feels you won’t due to your personality. NC, complete transparency, IC, MC, whatever it is. Those things most important to you are what you and she need to do together to make it work; I’ll also include any items she may feel are important as well. If these things are agreeable to both of you then you are off to a good start. 1
Author AMM2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 If this (what I highlighted in bold) was what she answered when you asked her why then she is beyond invested in OM otherwise she would have not had an excuse. These are things you bring up in conversation with your spouse *before* you decide to cheat not use it as an excuse to cheat. You are NOT to blame. I'm truly sorry for this devastating news. To be clear, she hasn't been giving me any excuses about why she did this. She keeps saying that she is truly trying to figure out how it all happened. The me being too controlling and talking down to her were things that we fought about a lot. I know you can never blame yourself for a spouse cheating, but if I'm being honest with myself, I never properly listened and addressed those feelings she constantly spoke to me about.
No Limit Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Of course she wants to make you believe that you have to back off - so you won't interfere with her affair anymore. Blameshifting isn't exactly a pro-remorse sign, and you'd actually need that to make reconciliation even possible. 2
Satu Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 To be clear, she hasn't been giving me any excuses about why she did this. She keeps saying that she is truly trying to figure out how it all happened. *The me being too controlling and talking down to her were things that we fought about a lot. I know you can never blame yourself for a spouse cheating, but if I'm being honest with myself, I never properly listened and addressed those feelings she constantly spoke to me about. *That doesn't explain why she entered into an affair, and neither does anything else that you have done/not done. If you both commit to reconciliation its something that can worked on, but just now it's her behaviour that needs to be addressed. 1
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 You need to consult a lawyer and find out where you stand here and take steps to protect yourself. Prepare for divorce, it might not come to that but no point in allowing yourself to be blindsided. You don't want her to end up in your home with the OP(he is already divorced) with your kids and you end up in an apartment penniless necking whiskey. Know your rights and take action. You admit you were a bit controlling, could that be used against you as in evidence of abuse? That may be important if things turn nasty. If you are unsure, mention it to your lawyer. I know you must be upset, but hold your temper, no shouting, no violence or do anything that could be construed as abusive in a court of law. She may just be trying to justify her affair here, but the fact she has mentioned your controlling tendencies may mean she is thinking of using it against you. Understand, she is months ahead of you here, do not under-estimate her. Be prepared for anything. 2
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 But tell other guy's SO. Sooner the better,. If you wait, she'll get pissed at you and you need allies. He is divorced.
Author AMM2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 Two more questions and then I'm taking a break from posting. I will absolutely be reading your responses though and thank you so much to everyone!!! 1.) What do I make of the fact that she was ok being seen in public with him? He lives in a small town only 10 minutes away, and now that all of this has come out, I'm already hearing that people saw them on walks together, at a restaurant, and at a HS football game. I know I'm probably reading into things too much, but what would that mean to you? I'm floored that she would be that brave! 2.) She'll be home in a few minutes and there's a ton of info in this thread to dig through. Based on everything I've told you, what are a list of questions you would be asking today?? I feel like I don't even know where to start. Thanks again to everyone.
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